1,001 Ways To Get The F—k Over It: An Emo's Guide to Normality
A/N: this story is meant to be funny, punny, and ridiculously stupid. Take 'er with a grain o' salt. I will not really be listing 1,oo1 ways for Sasuke to get over it, as much fun as that would be, that's just too many GTFOIs (Get The Fuck Over It's). Ah, as to the other fanfiction I reference, the original is no longer found on fanfiction (though numerous copies of it are ;3). Don't expect this to have a serious plot XP
Created in collaboration with xXRedSnowDemondXx.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything nor am I making any profits from this. If I did or was, I would be filthy fucking rich, and Sasuke wouldn't be such a whiny bitch, Kakashi would more awesome (if that's even possible…), Naruto would not be oblivious to Hinata's come-ons, Sakura would be more awesome…. and Obito would totally be gay for Kakashi, because it would just make life easier and no one would care that Kakashi falcon-punched Rin's heart out.
Warning[s]: Adult and suggestive themes (including but not limited to: Sasuke awkwardly coming onto people, mild molestation, perhaps fapping, [un] erotic dialogue…etc. etc.), fiercely strong ill-used language, character [Sasuke, anyone?] bashing/fun-making, possibly yaoi, over the top emoness, angstyness, My Immortal bashing and just being emo in general.
~xxx: Chapter 1: Bonding with the Book :xxx~
Way #2. It's okay if you feel like you're the only one who gives a shit about your dreams. Because you are. No one else gives a flying fuck, so its time to get the fuck over it.
Sasuke nodded at the wise words on the page of the ridiculously expensive ($100) book in his hands. Yes, that made sense. He was the only one who cared and it was time for him to get the fuck over it.
"I am the only one who gives a flying fuck." He said firmly, letting the idea work it's way through him. "I am the only one who cares about my dreams."
Way #3. If you are emo, you are too mainstream. – Sasuke gasped loudly at the horrific-ness of the statement. Mainstream?! Oh, no, no, no, no! He couldn't be mainstream! That was just…. It was too much…. He continued on with the reading - Get the fuck over yourself and be normal.
Way #4. You are not a special snowflake. Go away, cry a little in your emo corner, and get the fuck over it.
What was this blasphemy? He was a special snowflake! Naruto had even called him one a few days ago. Angrily, Sasuke snapped the book shut and crossed his arms over his chest as he pouted.
With a rather emo groan Sasuke flipped his hair to one side overdramatically, and after nearly giving himself whiplash, he began to cry sexily. Was this how Vampire Potter and his friends felt in that one totally goffik fanfiction felt? Preps and posers were too mainstream …he didn't want to be like them! But he wanted to be normal too. Maybe then Naruto would return his feelings and they could live happily ever after.
What was an overly emo ninja to do?
"Oi, Sasuke! Where are you?"
Sasuke looked up as Naruto came bounding into his living room, a wide, crooked grin spread across his face. "Dobe." He grunted, quickly wiping away the tears that had no doubt managed to smear his eyeliner and mascara.
"Come on, teme! You're late for practice, we've been waiting forever."
"I was just catching up…on some reading." He admitted.
Naruto nodded, though his brows rose skeptically, "Uh-huh. Bring your book; we need to go before Sakura-chan gets angry. I don't want to be her punching bag today."
"Hn." Sasuke grunted again before rising to his feet and following Naruto out of the Uchiha mansion (because he always has one, as seen in many fanfics…and it's always called the Uchiha Mansion).
As they walked along the old, worn dirt path, kicking up dust as they scuffed their feet, Sasuke skimmed a few more wise lessons from his book while Naruto rambled aimlessly about ramen.
Way #6. Are you in love with the boy next door? That gorgeous blonde haired, blue-eyed boy with the foxy grin that makes you swoon a little inside every time you see it? –Oddly and uncannily accurate, Sasuke thought as he stole a glance at Naruto from the corner of his eye, then his gaze fell substantially south, taking in the blonde's Uzumaki's deliciously firm, perfectly round and toned ass. Oh how he longed to reach out and grope and squeeze and massage those perfect clefts…. - Well, time to get the fuck over it. He's straight, and you're so cliché. Why don't you try that dark haired, artistically inclined boy you know?
Sasuke's face fell blank, his lips pulled into a grim, flat line. That wasn't even funny. Why would he want Sai? Sai was arrogant, didn't talk much and was quite depressing at times…oh, god, it would be like dating himself. Sai even looked a little like him. Sasuke brushed his fingers through his shaggy bangs. He had nicer hair though; he deep conditioned where as Sai did not.
They came into the open field marked '3' only to find Kakashi and Sakura against each other (in quite the compromising position, what with Sakura's face pressed into Kakashi's groin while his hand rested contently against her breast with his palm wide open….) napping beneath an old oak tree full with green leaves and large, wide branches. Naruto pressed his hands to his face and groaned a curse aloud before storming over angrily and waking them both.
With a roll of his eyes, Sasuke closed his book and set it at his feet as he watched Kakashi and Sakura both wake with a start only to jump across the field apart from each other.
Like they hadn't known how they look, inner Sasuke sneered as Naruto whipped a few curses in Kakashi's direction, then to Sakura.
"Let's just get this over with." Sasuke grumbled as he removed a kunai from the nylon holster on his leg. He fell to a defensive stance, waiting for one of his teammates to acknowledge the challenge he offered.
Naruto turned with a wide grin on his whiskered face and he proceeded to unfasten two of his own Kunai. "Bring it, teme." He cackled before leaping into the air, kunai knives flying in Sasuke's direction.
Activating the sharingan, Sasuke quickly dodge the attack before launching his own barrage of razor sharp blades and running for the woods. Leaves lightly crunched beneath his feet as he dipped under branches and zigzagged between trunks as he led the chase through the forest.
A sharp pain in his leg had Sasuke losing balance and he collided face first into the forest floor, dirt filling his nose and mouth as he struggled to breath and push himself up. He spat what he could out and lunged forward with his arms before catching himself with his feet as they hit the ground. He quickly looked down, a shuriken protruding from his calf.
Fuck me with a wooden spoon, he thought. Naruto was serious about this spar. It made him grin wickedly; he liked a challenge. That he hit him meant Naruto was right behind him and was keeping up. He snaked his hand around to the pouch on his hip and quickly pulled out a roll of trip wire. After tying the loose end around the loop of a kunai, he flung it as a tree and imbedded it before diving into a roll, where he tied another end around the truck of a small diameter tree.
A few more moments later, Naruto came into sight, barreling towards him and with a grin Sasuke leapt into the tree above his trap and watched as Naruto was sent stumbling forward where he fell with a heavy thud. Positioning himself over top of the Uzumaki, he fell from the tree, tackling him to the ground as he clamored to his feet.
"I win." Sasuke hissed in Naruto's ear.
Thrashing wildly beneath Sasuke, Naruto let out a cry, "Let me go!"
"No." he smirked, "…this is mine now, dobe." Slowly, and rather awkwardly, Sasuke smoothed his hand down Naruto's firm side. Down his ribs and over his hips, Sasuke's hand came to Naruto's thigh.
"W-what the hell are you doing, teme?!" Naruto stuttered as he tried to swat away Sasuke's wandering hands. "What the fuck, man?"
Sasuke tightened his other arm around the kyuubi vessel's waist, and lowered his lips to his ear. "Mine." He hissed before inserting his tongue into said ear. His hand moved over his has and squeezed hard. "So firm…"
Naruto tensed beneath Sasuke momentarily before roaring in frustration and throwing the emo bastard from his back. "What the fuck are you doing, Sasuke?" He screamed before picking Sasuke up by his shirt collar, "Are you for real?"
"Even better this way…" Sasuke muttered before reaching forward and groping Naruto's cock through the sweatpants he wore. He tightened his grip lightly and smiled up at Naruto's wide blue eyes and shock dropped jaw. "My, my, you are a big boy aren't you?"
Sasuke flinched as Naruto's fist collided with his face, breaking his nose. Ah, well…he thought. He wouldn't need to where as much dark eye shadow for a while. Surely he would have two black eyes. Naruto fisted his hand in his hair, and with a pathetic cry for help, Sasuke flayed his arms and legs around.
Naruto stomped back to field three, dragging Sasuke behind him by his hair. Sasuke had given up the thrashing but a few moments after the dragging had begun, it hurt more when he moved.
"This fucker was coping a feel and-" Naruto paused his rant, his grasp of Sasuke's hair loosening noticeable as he stopped where he stood. "What the…."
Sasuke peeked over his shoulder, his brows nearly reaching his hairline as he watched Kakashi and Sakura struggled to separate and hide their naked selves. "Whoa…"
Naruto peered down at him and then looked back to the other team seven members, then looked back to Sasuke with a grin. "You see that too, right?"
It was no surprise that Sakura had dumped Naruto just about a week ago, Sasuke mused with a smile, it was obviously because the fates wanted to bring he and the beautiful blonde machine at his side together, but he didn't think Sakura would run off to find a fuck buddy that quickly…and with Kakashi no less…and well…
…Kakashi's penis was so…so…
"Tiny!" Naruto guffawed, pressing a hand to his abdomen as he tried to stifle his amusement.
"Wow. She dumped you for that?" Sasuke rolled with laughter, holding his stomach. "It's so fucking small!"
Naruto collapsed with laughter, giggling like a mad man.
Kakashi and Sakura exchanged glances then both glared down at Kakashi's rock hard fifteen inches…. They both shrugged and continued to pull their clothes on.
Today, I touched Naruto's crotch…and ass ;D
And Kakashi has a really tiny dick. Sakura's such a whore.
I feel like tacos for dinner
Sasuke smiled down at his journal entry and closed the black, fang decorated goffik notebook before hugging it to his chest for good measure in hopes that tomorrow's entry would be just as good. He hid it beneath the pillow on his couch and walked out into his living room to read some more of the book that would hopefully help him become a little more normal.
Way #13. Cutting yourself in the emo corner sexily, wearing the skinny jeans you stole from your eight year old girl next door, and masturbating towards the mirror because you're just that hawt because that's what totally emo people do in their spare time does not make you totally emo. It just makes you really fucking weird. Get the fuck over yourself, and get the fuck over it. Stop being a fucktard.
Sasuke pursed his lips. How did the author of this book know he did all of those things? Perhaps this book was writing just for him. This was his personal guide to being a normal person!
He looked down and flipped the book over, peering at the cover where the author's name was in large, bold letters.
Niu (Not Itachi Uchiha)
Who the hell was this Niu person? How did they know everything about him, about how he felt? It was like they were bonding through these wonderfully helpful ways to get over it. As Sasuke sat pondering the various ways he and Niu were growing intimately closer via the expensive books in his hand, he was too busy to notice his brother and Kakashi peering through his windows, both taking notes as they watched him.
"Oh well…" Sasuke said with a shrug before standing and stripping his clothes off. Scratching the back of his head, he walked through his apartment and into his bathroom where he had many polished full-length mirrors ready and waiting for him. "Nothing like a good fap to end the night."
Kakashi sighed and closed his eyes as yet again they subjected themselves to this torture, and Itachi merely facewalled the outside of the apartment complex.
~xxx: xxx :xxx~