1,oo1 Ways To Get The Fuck Over It: An Emo's Guide To Normality

A/N: If you are easily offended, go away. Seriously. ;] as for the rest of you weirdos, enjoy! This is by far my favorite chapter so far.

~xxx: Chapter 3: High and Dry Does Not Apply :xxx~

With apparent ball sack injury, Sasuke proceeded to spasm sexily on the floor, with his hands cradling his wounded soldier. He twitched violently and his eyes rolled back in his head all cool like as he had a vision:


Sasuke watched stalkerishly from his stalking perch on the rooftop as Neji and Kiba suspiciously exited a shop (run by Shikamaru in his free time) known for its 'helpful herbs and spices' (though everyone knew all he really sold was weed and whatever paraphernalia the buyers wanted…including pipes, bongs, hookahs, grow-your-own gardens, seeds…the list went on and on…)

As Sasuke followed them about, it wasn't long before they stopped into another store to buy something in a box. Sasuke wasn't quite sure what the contraption was but it looked poser-ish. He threw up a little in his mouth.

As they stopped just outside the Hyuuga Compound, Sasuke pulled out his book and began reading at the two fumbled with whatever it was that had been in the box.

Way # ~~. I'm really starting to run of things for you to get over, though I must say… you need to really get the fuck over that gay hair flip you do. It's really fucking weird. Don't you hurt yourself when you throw your head over your shoulder that far? Get the fuck over it, please, and spare me the pain of watching you do it.

Ah, good ole Niu! He thought with a sexy sigh before peeking over the book to leer at the Hyuuga and Inuzuka.

Ah, they'd bought…a forty-gallon blow up pool…. "What the fuck?" he hissed with confusion.

Neji muttered something to Kiba, who quickly ran to the house and unwound the hose hanging on the porch. He cranks the faucet and runs back to the pool before the water begins pouring out of the nozzle. They stand and watching the small kiddy pool fill for a few long moments before the both begin stripping down to their boxers.

In Kiba's case, form-fitting gods-gift-to-homosexuals-and-heterosexuals-alike boxers. Sasuke could feel Big Guy jump awake at the sight of Kiba's outlined cock.

The Inuzuka took a few steps back or a running start before leaping to the air and splashing into the pool.

"Most excellent, dude!" Neji cheered before diving into it with the elegance only a drunken elephant had. It was beautiful.

"Totally bodacious, man." Kiba said with his thick surfer drawl, "This riptide is most righteous."

"Most definitely, bro." heaving a relaxed sigh, Neji reached over the side of the inflatable pool and pulled from his pocket a small, clear plastic baggie with a lighter and many white, hand rolled doobies.

"Radical, we're going to get so stoked, brah." Kiba drawled as he and Neji and relaxed, with limbs every which way before they each lit a toke and slowly inhaled.

Neji laughed, "Cowabunga, dude. Man, did you see that shubee back in the shop?"

"That dude that was totally not most excellent? Most definitely."

Sasuke screwed his face into a frown. What the fucks were they talking about? Stupid potheads, he thought…but they were sooooooo sexy. He wanted to molest them, but he would have to settle for a fap from a distance.

He slowly unzipped his pants and began stroking himself as he watched Kiba and Neji take a few more long draws on their weed before passionately making out with each other. Kiba grunted a few more words in his ridiculous druggie/surfer slang before dropping his drugs in the water to throw himself all over Neji, though they were really enacting anything sexual. He looked more like a fish that had been dragged out of water and left on the beach to drown in air.

"Hn." Sasuke grunted as he continued pumping his cock.

"Dude, did you see Shika the other day? Damn that boy's ass is bitching." Neji asked after pushing the spasming(humping?) Kiba to the other side of the pool.

"Yeah bro, but I heard he's got the surf herps."

"That is most un-bodacious." The Hyuuga visibly shuddered, as Sasuke did at the same time, his initial release staining his pants.

Fuck, Sasuke thought, as his rainbow jizz began to pour free. It had been a long time since he'd rainbowed. His entire body flopped about in the tree as the rainbow colored stream poured over the Hyuuga compound, and over Kiba and Neji and their pool.

"Whoa, most excellent!" Kiba slurred, "This is some stoked shit!"

"Right on, man, right on!" Neji opened his arms to the sky, "Cheeeee!"

"Brah, I love you. I love you so fucking hard, man. So hard." Kiba began to sob as he wrapped his arms around Neji.

"Not as much as I love you, dude. I will forever ride the waves with you man." Neji returned the hug as rainbows still poured over them.

~end vision~

When he came to, Sasuke quickly changed out of his newly jizzed in shorts, wrapped his little friend with gauze and limped to the kitchen to find something to ease the sharp searing pains in his dick.

Cold peas were a godsend, thought Sasuke as he slowly massaged his now bruised and bandaged junk. What the fuck was he thinking by jumping Sai? He wanted Naruto!

…And that dream thing about Kiba and Neji was weird. Like totally. They weren't even emo.

But Sai, Kiba and Neji did have beautiful, lithe, erotic bodies, almost like Sasuke's favorite porn stars from -The Six Jounins and the Kunai of Pain and Penetration-. His favorite part was when the hot dark haired pale boy took it up the ass. Wait, they all had dark hair and were pale…and all took it up the ass. He shrugged. He loved the whole movie.

Pressing the bag of cold peas firmly against his dick, Sasuke stood up and waddled into his kitchen to make a phone call.

"Hullo, Sakura?" He said into the receiver when the medic picked up on the other end. "Yes, it's Sasuke. I need you to come over here and help me…what is it? Well, you need to fix me, my dick I mean…no, it's not sexual…" –plus he thought, he wasn't into CavernousVagina 's… -"No, Sai and I had a disagreement and he hit me in the crotch… what was the disagreement about? Bitch, you ask a lot of questions…."

Sasuke wasn't sure if it were a good thing Sakura had hung up on the other end or not. She scared him. It probably meant she was coming over to help his cock, though (because she was totally okay with his totally goffik not prep self calling her a bitch…)

Sasuke sat back down in his lazy chair and began reading his book once more.

Way #32. Calling that scary female ninja on your team a bitch is probably not beneficial to your health…get the fuck over it, yourself I mean, and go on with your life and hope that she doesn't castrate you with a rusty plastic spoon.

Niu really did know everything.

Holy fuck, this guy was like god. Ooohhhh…. he needed to meet him! He would stalk him once his dick stopped hurting.

He also still wanted Sai's boots. They were damned sexy, and the way they hugged his sexy legs made him hard- "Ah, fuck, ouch." He pressed his hand firmly against dick. Boners hurt now, that bastard. However would he fap tonight?

Way #33. You and your lover have small dicks. Get the fuck over it.

Niu was wrong about some things it seemed. Sasuke stood and book tumbled to the floor before he stumbled into his bedroom to retrieve his diary. He flipped it open to the last page and looked over his last penis measurement. "Take that Niu, I'm a whopping three and a half inches hard!"

Outside Sasuke's window, Kakashi and Itachi choked with laughter. Itachi's eyes grew wide as his ass fell from his pants and to the ground, and both he and Kakashi stared at it. And before he passed out he muttered, "I didn't think that joke was real …oh god"