"Norge," the sound of hacking came from the other line. It was the most disgusting thing I ever heard, but that had more to do with who was calling rather than the coughing itself. "I'm sick."
I hung up without saying another word. How did he get my cellphone number in the first place? I sure as hell didn't give it to him. It kept dinging with every text alert. New messages would appear before I could even get a chance to delete them.
"Is your phone having a seizure or something?" Iceland said from the other room. He stuck his platinum head around the entry way from the living room at the sound of the annoying dinging.
"Not anymore." I smashed my cellphone under my foot. Hopefully none of the data would be recoverable.
The perfect silence was interrupted by the blaring ringing of the land line. I sighed. "Do NOT answer that."
"Wasn't planning to." Iceland returned to whatever he was doing before. Probably on his laptop again.
I was unplugging the land line when something Icy said stopped me dead in my tracks. "Norway, are you and Denmark in a relationship?"
"Fuck no. I won't even admit that I know him."
"'Cause he's tagging you in some questionable pictures on Facebook."
I really shouldn't have, but curiosity got the best of me. I tried my best to stay at least 50 feet away from Denmark at all times.
I found myself looking over Iceland's shoulder at a picture he had pulled up. It was a picture of two men, barely wearing anything, hanging off each other, touching or connected in almost every way possible. The caption read, "lol, this was totally Norge and I last week! Love you, baby ;)"
"That doesn't even look like me." The thought made me want to puke. "That doesn't even look like him."
"You don't have to be in a picture to be tagged in it," Iceland said simply. "Didn't believe it anyway."
Iceland closed the picture. Facebook refreshed, revealing all the recent posts made by Denmark.
"Vikings, man... They have 'king' in their name. How could they not be better than everyone else?!"
"I thought I just saw a pirate walking down the street. I was this close to breaking out my axe. Turns out it was just the school bus."
"You know what would be a cool pet? A velociraptor. Finland! That's what I want for Christmas. Also, give Norge one, too, so we can have a double dino date."
"Have you ever just wanted like six feet of snow to just fall down? We could build the most epic of forts! What do you say, Norge?"
"Norge, I'm soooooooooooo HORNY. Pretty pretty pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease come over? I need a piece of that sweet ass. I'll even let you top ;)"
"Burn it," I said emotionlessly. "Kill it with fire. I'll get you a new laptop with Denmark's death money."
I started to walk out of the room and then quickly turned back around. "Baby brother, can I borrow your cellphone?"
"Don't call me baby brother and no. You don't exactly have the best track record with technology today."
"I'll get you some licorice while I'm out."
"Deal." Iceland fished his cellphone out of his pocket. I grabbed the phone from his outstretched hand and headed out the door. There was only one thing left to do.
Good, Sweden was in Iceland's contacts.
"Hmm," he answered.
"Sweden, it's me, Norway. I'm going to kill Denmark. Want dibs?"
"Busy doing what?"
"F'nl'nd's sick. C'ght wh't'ver D'nm'rk has wh'n 'e d'liv'red 'is m'dic'ne."
"All the more reason to kill Denmark if you ask me."
"F'nl'nd's more 'mport'nt. Mayb' n'xt t'me." And with that, Sweden hung up.
That's fine I guess. I'd have him all to myself. To kill, of course.
I could feel my heart pumping as I got closer to Denmark's front door. I had been longing for this day since practically the moment I laid eyes on Denmark. I clenched and unclenched my fists as I made my way to the front porch.
It threw me off just a bit when the door opened before I could force my way inside. Denmark was at the doorway, looking like he was thinking of going outside. I knew there had always been something wrong with his head, but this topped it all. He only had one boot on, his coat was on completely backwards, and he had forgotten his pants. He had a dazed look on his face as if he had no idea what was going on, which really wasn't anything new I guess. His crazy blond hair was practically plastered to his face from sweat. His nose and upper lip were red and raw.
His blue eyes went wide in recognition, and a smile broke out over his chapped lips.
"Norge! You're here!" He leaned down and wrapped his arms around me. Most of his body weight had to be supported by me. "I was just about to come get you!"
I took a step back, and Denmark fell flat on his face. His arms were now wrapped around my legs. The open flaps of his coat revealed his naked back and red boxers to the winter air.
"Do me, Norge. My body is ready." His voice was muffled against the ground.
"Don't take me wrong. I only came here to murder you." I used my foot to push his face away. There was already snot dribbling from his nose. He let go and flipped over. His back arched away from the freezing, damp ground.
"You're pathetic," I added.
"Yes," he cried. "Please Norge. Have pity on me. Look at what I've become! You can't just leave me like this!"
That actually sounded like a really good idea. I backed away from Denmark's house. As long as he stayed like that, my mission would be accomplished. He would die before long.
"Norge! No! Come back!" Denmark whined. "NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORR RRRRRRGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEE!"
Oh, for pity's sake. My ears were still ringing. For being so sick, he sure had a set of lungs. The neighborhood dogs started barking. People came out from their front doors to see what all the commotion was about. As soon as Denmark cut off, he entered a coughing fit.
"I hate you. You know that, right?" I said as I went back to Denmark. Why couldn't he just die peacefully? His arms reached up toward me. I grabbed his coat and dragged him back into his house.
"Norge, my throat hurts," Denmark whined. His arms fell uselessly above his head.
"No shit." He could try to be more of help. He was heavy enough as it was. "That's what happens when you're so annoying and useless all the time."
"I'm sorry, Norway." I glared down at the half dead body I was dragging behind me. It wasn't like him to actually apologize for something. "I'm not very useful today." He used the back of his hand to wipe his nose.
"You're never useful." I took a break and leaned Denmark against his couch. "Just how much of that medicine did you take?"
"The whole bottle. I wanted to get better quickly." He opened his eyes, turned his head towards me, and smiled a bit. "Don't worry. I threw most of it up anyway."
"You're an idiot."
"Yeah..." He closed his eyes and rolled his head back onto the cushions.
I scoured the wall looking for an outlet. Denmark squinted his eyes at me.
"Hey Norge, what are you looking for?"
"Your wifi. I think I'll strangle you with the extension cord."
"Back corner behind the desk."
Then why would he tell me where it was? These meds were really messing with his head. He really needed to stay off the Internet. I found the router and unplugged it from the wall. That would prevent any more idiocy leaking for a while. Though, it probably wouldn't be as fun to kill him this way now. He wasn't even trying to stop me.
"If I could choose the way I died, I think I'd like to die of old age. With you by my side, of course." He smiled with a sad attempt of winking at me.
"The only way you're going to die with me at your side is if I killed you from that angle."
"Oh well, I guess I can settle with you right in front of me." He extended his arms out towards me. If he was looking for a hug, he wasn't going to get it.
"Stop being ridiculous. Give me your phone."
He felt along his coat pockets for his phone. He took it out and handed it to me.
"Just don't look at the pictures."
I just wanted to turn it off. As I held down the power button, the home screen popped up. I glared at Denmark. "Denmark, you're disgusting. You've just risen to a whole other level of creepiness." The screen and the picture I wanted to wish never existed went black. How did he get a picture of me?
"Ah Norge! I told you not to look at the pictures."
"Why should I listen to you? It's not like I hold any regard for you. Why would you let me do this stuff in the first place?"
"'Cause I trust you. I trust you with my life, Norge."
"A very poor decision."
"I can't help it," he yawned. "I just love you too damn much."
"I hate you."
He yawned again, ignoring my statement. "I'm tired."
"Then go to sleep, you moron."
Denmark shimmied out of his backward coat and slid off his boot. He really wasn't wearing anything besides his boxers. "I can't. Not here. Take me to my bed."
"Do it yourself."
"I can't move"
"Please, Norge?" His bright blue eyes wavered in his patheticness. "I really need you."
"I really don't know why I put up with you." I figured if I could get him to sleep, it'd be pretty much the same thing as having him dead. I wouldn't have to listen to him.
I hooked my arms under his and held him up. His skin was sweaty and hard to keep a grip. My hands kept sliding off his shoulders. His feet shuffled under him, sort of supporting part of his weight, but not really.
I got down the hallway. It was hard to turn into the bedroom. I grunted as I shifted his weight.
"Oh yeah, talk dirty to me," Denmark mumbled into my shoulder. It sounded like he was half-asleep already.
"I hate you." My voice was strained. He wasn't supporting his weight like he was before, and it was difficult to hold him up like this. His bed was just a few feet away. I was almost there.
A sharp pain shot up from my foot and all throughout my body.
"Ah!" The pain was nearly intolerable. I collapsed onto the bed with Denmark on top of me. It was then I had realized how much he had been helping me when I moved him. How was he so heavy?
"Don't worry, baby. The pain will be gone in a second. Just take it in." He was still half-asleep. His lips grazed the skin on my neck as he turned his head. It sent shivers down my spine, it was so disgusting.
"Why don't you just take it in? I'll take this Lego and shove it in your brain. What are you, a sloppy five year old?" I wriggled under Denmark. He pretty much had me pinned. The Lego that was stuck on my foot fell back to the ground. "Let me up already."
"I can't move," Denmark repeated quietly. His lips barely moved against my skin, but it sent my body flinching again. I struggled again, but Denmark barely moved or shifted
"I hate you," I said fervently.
"No, you don't," Denmark whispered. He finally fell all the way to sleep. His breath was hot against my neck.
I groaned. It was useless. I was exhausted, and Denmark was being as bothersome as usual. I pinched and twisted at his bare skin, but he still wouldn't get up. I gave up. The best thing I could do was try to get some sleep.
I had a pounding headache when I woke up. My sinuses were killing me. Great. This was just perfect.
"Wake up, moron." I managed to twist my hand around and flick him in the head. I was surprised how congested my voice sounded already.
Denmark murmured as he pressed his lips further into my neck. He lazily lifted his head with his eyes half open. His eyes opened completely when he realized he had been sleeping on me the entire night.
"Ah sweet! We actually managed to do it!"
Before I could question Denmark's stupidity, he moved his arms to either side of my head. He supported himself on his elbows as he kissed me slowly and suddenly.
I was frozen stiff. When Denmark broke away he was grinning like an idiot.
"What the f..." My words were interrupted by another swifter kiss.
"Stop it!" I was only able to get a few words in at the next gap.
"Not until you kiss me back," he teased.
I made the mistake of accidentally pursing my lips. That was definitely the wrong thing to do. Denmark gasped and went in for a longer kiss. His tongue slipped in and played with the backside of my upper lip. He caught my lower lip in his teeth an gently tugged on it as he pulled away.
I couldn't hold myself back any longer. I sneezed on Denmark's face.
He broke away laughing and sat up. "Dude, that was totally nasty, but I love you anyway."
"What is your problem?!" I shoved Denmark off of me and onto the floor.
I wiped my mouth with my hand. Denmark had kissed me. He had actually kissed me. He had always teased me about loving me and wanting me, but that was all it was! Teasing! He couldn't possibly think...
"Chill out. We must have done a whole lot worse last night," Denmark said, indicating to his near nakedness.
"Obviously not," I said sitting up and indicating to my fully clothed body. The sudden movement made me woozy, and I fell back on the bed. I coughed into the crook of my arm.
"Oh." That was all he said. I could picture his face going stark white when he realized what he just did.
"Oh is right you sick freak." I coughed some more into my arm. "And you've made me sick, too."
"I'm too epic to get sick," he denied. He leaned on his elbows off the side of his bed. "You look horrible."
"Yeah, well, you looked a whole lot worse last night. And you can just ask Finland if you don't believe me."
"It's not like I don't believe you. It's more of I think your sickness is messing with your head." Denmark ran his fingers through his hair and it stuck back up in its regular place.
"That's rich coming from you. You don't even know what happened last night."
He was silent for a while at that. Then he smiled at me. "If I was sick, that means you must have nursed me back to health."
"Nope. I came to kill you. Didn't go exactly as planned. You said some of the stupidest things yesterday. I was going to strangle you."
"Oh really?" Denmark grinned wider. "What did I say?"
"That you wanted velociraptors for Christmas so we could go on double dino dates. Something about building forts in the snow and how Vikings are the most epic people you could ever come across. You almost murdered a school bus with an axe. And you said you wanted a piece of my sweet ass." Why was I telling him all this? Especially the last part. He could figure it out for I himself if he really wanted to know.
Denmark's grin was nearly blinding. "Oh, so that's why you came running over! You must have really wanted to get some."
"You told me that you trusted me with your life, which is probably the most idiotic thing I ever heard. You also said that you lov..."
I couldn't continue. I don't know why I had continued in the first place.
"That I loved you?" Denmark finished. His face went serious. I thought that looked strange on him.
I just nodded. I felt light headed. Like I was about to throw up.
"Well, I don't see anything wrong with that. It all sounds pretty awesome to me!" Denmark said, the strange seriousness faded.
"Have you lost your mind? You told me you loved me, you idiot!"
"And I do," Denmark said simply. He smiled again. "Actually, it's kind of nice for you to know." He stood up and sat down on the bed next to me. "The big question is do you love me."
"I hate you." I repeated. This was all making my head hurt more.
"No, you don't." He started to sweep my hair to the side. His cool hand felt nice on my forehead.
"Why do you keep on saying that?" I closed my eyes. "I really do hate you."
I felt Denmark's lips on mine again. This time it was asking permission. How it should have been the first time. I found myself actually kissing him back. We moved together, playing lightly on each other's lips.
We parted so I could breath. Denmark was beaming again. "If you liked it, that means you love me."
I shook my head. "Don't kiss me," I said as I reached up for another. I let Denmark back inside as we deepened the kiss. If I could taste anything, I'm sure it would be disgusting. Or really sweet.
"It's a good thing-," Denmark kissed me. "That you got sick from me-," another kiss. "Or this-," another. "Would be-," another. "A good way to get sick." I sucked on his upper lip. He moaned lightly. "An excellent way to get sick," he amended.
"I thought you didn't get sick."
"I must have been sick to not have done this sooner."
I turned my face away to cough. Hack really. Denmark kissed the side of my face. "You're disgusting," he whispered in my ear.
"I hate you." He was the one who made me like this.
He kissed my lips again. "At least you have me to take care of you!"
"God help me..." How was going to get in contact with Iceland? I took his cellphone. The wifi here was off. I unplugged our landline, and I'm pretty sure he didn't do a thing about it.
There was a knock at the door. Denmark turned toward the direction of the sound.
"Hey." He placed his hand on my leg. He rubbed it in tiny circle. "I'll be right back. Want anything?"
I settled my head on Denmark's pillows. Denmark headed to answer the door. I tried to take the time to fall asleep. No such luck.
Denmark flopped on the bed next to me. "I'm back, baby. Finland dropped by. Brought me some soup. Want some?" He put a spoonful in his mouth. He refilled it and hovered it in my face. I glared at him. He shrugged his shoulders and ate the soup himself. I sort of wondered how Finnie would ave reacted to see Denmark naked like that. Then again, he had seen Denmark yesterday. He should have expected something like this.
"Yo," a voice said at the doorway. Iceland was chewing on a stick of black licorice.
"Oh Icy, didn't see you come in. I don't think I need your...business today," Denmark said.
"Whatever. I'm still taking the licorice. It's Norway's payment," Iceland said.
Business? What kind of...
"You little sneak!" I said, sitting up from the bed. I tried to swing my legs down to the ground. I don't care if he was my brother. I was going to throttle him. After I barfed on him. And took a nap.
"Norge, Norge, Norge," Denmark said. He placed his hand on my shoulder and easily pushed me back down on the bed.
"And you! I'm furious with you! I'm going to..."
Denmark shushed me by kissing me again. If he think this would quell my anger, he was wrong. I was still very angry. Despite the kissing. I was kissing him very angrily.
"You guys are disgusting. At least put some clothes on," Iceland said and walked away.
The lack of audience didn't stop me from showing how angry I was at Denmark. Or the fact that he hardly had any clothes on. In fact, that made it a lot easier to show my wrath.
"Norway." Denmark took my face in his hands. "I love you."
He kissed me again. The same questioning kiss.
"I love you," I admitted. "But I hate you so much more."
Denmark gave me a grin. "That's good enough me."