I do not happen to own Once Upon A Time. The plot bunnies like to think they do sometimes, but we don't.


There was a notice taped to the front wall of Granny's Diner, exactly where it could not be missed as you came in the door. At the top, in the near-illegible handwriting doctors were infamous for it said:

Greg Mendel will be released from the hospital on Friday if no complications arise.

Below that, someone had, in significantly more legible handwriting, helpfully added a sentence.

In case you were unaware, Greg Mendel is the name of the man who came to Storybrooke and hit a tree.

The And me under that was in the elegant script of another world.

He did us all a favor.

It was scrawled rapidly across the page in slanting, angular cursive.

The response was in the same elegant script. There are better ways to get worked up Emma. It would be my pleasure to teach you some.

This. Is. Not. Emma. The angular cursive got sharper and the pen had been shoved into the paper with each punctuation mark, the letters deeply embossed.

This is. answered a thin spiky hand, someone who didn't often put pencil to paper Rule Number One for Storybrooke to pass as a normal town: Killian Jones is not to be trusted and under no circumstances should you fall for any of his lines/looks/pet-names/anything else.

The exception to the above rule is Emma Swan retorted the elegant script.

The spiky hand replied Hook is a #######

The last word had been neatly cross-hatched out and the business-like script below that read:

My son reads this. Kindly mind your language Miss Swan.

Wide letters below said I agree with Emma. Stay away from my daughter you filthy pirate.

Rooms are available at Granny's for reasonable rates added a quick, but legible scrawl, the writing of someone accustomed to writing quickly for other people to read, helpfully but if you break her heart, I will eat you.

Rule Number Two: Normal people in normal towns, both of which we are attempting to pass for, do not use cannibalism as a threat. The letters, while still in the earlier spiky hand, had broadened as though the writer had slowed down and each letter was separate and distinct to prevent any confusion about the message. But thanks, I think.

Staying away from Emma is rather difficult, considering she seeks me out and chains me up at every possible opportunity The elegant script had a bit more flourish than usual when it replied. You wouldn't eat me, pet; you're far too fond of me.

There was a smiley face drawn below as answer, in the same pen as the message about Granny's.

I only chain you up when I'm arresting you. I wouldn't have to arrest you if you wouldn't keep breaking the law retorted the spiky hand but if it bothers you so much, I'm sure David would be happy to do the honors from now on.

Very bad form retorted the elegant script.

Greg Mendel got out of the hospital the next day, and the paper originally featuring his release date went mysteriously missing. There were a few disappointed sighs at the loss of what had become a source of entertainment, but mostly it was forgotten about.


Unbeknownst to most of Storybrooke, Ruby kept it tacked to the board in the manager's office of Granny's and used the back of it to keep track of the town betting pools, foremost among them the one on Emma and Killian.


I was snickering while I was writing this. Hope you enjoyed it.