AN:This is my first Chronicles of Narnia fanfic. Susan has always been my favorite character, and I hate the way Prince Caspian ended as well as her not dying with them in The Last Battle.I did some research and found no records of when Susan and her parents returned to England, so I took the liberty of extending their stay due to the war and the Germans making passage hard. Enjoy!
AN: This is the updated version. The difference is only in time- Susan and her parents only stayed in America for the summer.
Holding On and Letting Go
Part I: Giving In
Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn
-Disarm, Smashing Pumpkins
Susan let the sheets of paper slip out of her hands. Her eyes stared blankly out to the garden, and her face was frozen, emotionless.
But inside she was overwhelmed. For weeks, months, she had been suppressing the feelings, but now her emotions had become too strong. The burden of keeping them hidden was no longer one she could bear. She felt lost, lonely, misunderstood. She missed her home terribly—her real home, with her siblings, in Narnia. Instead, she was stuck here.
True, she told everyone everything was okay. In fact, things were better than okay; they were great, marvelous, fantastic. She loved being the life of every party; being every man's dream. She loved America; the people were amazing. She could not believe how lucky she was to have come here with her parents. She is so lucky; the luckiest girl alive…
No matter how many times she said these words, no matter to whom she spoke them, when it came down to it, these words were never enough to convince her. She knew how incredibly lucky she was, but knowing and believing it herself are not the same things.
Her hand began to tremble and she clasped it into a fist. She could not let herself slip.
Even her own siblings knew nothing of her struggle. After the first night back in England, when everything had sunk in, she swore she would never let her true feelings show. She would never go back to Narnia; she would never see her love, Caspian. She felt betrayed, broken hearted, longing for a land and a love that was lost [to her]. She had cried all through the first night, big, salty tears of anguish. The pain was too much, too big and too hurting for her to be able to deal with.
But now… now things were different. The walls she had built around herself cracked when she read Lucy's old letter. Her mother had brought it to her the day before; it was from two months ago—the mail ship got delayed because of the Germans, according to the post office. Susan's heart pinched in her chest. Sweet, innocent Lucy, the purest of them all. Her pure and faithful heart and good intentions made her the best of them all; the most deserving of Narnia. She did not mean to hurt Susan, not at all. She had meant to remind her, remind her of the far away magical land of Narnia, where they were queens and their brothers kings. The land where they had had adventures, where they were royalty; loved by their people. The land where Caspian still was, loving her and missing her…
Lucy's word were excited, thrilled to tell her of her latest adventure with Edmund in Narnia. She had only meant to bring up the old memories; how was she to know they did not need to be brought up? How was she to know that Susan could not shake them from her head; that they burdened her heart? It was her own fault—and Susan knew it—that no one knew how she truly felt. After all, she had been the one to build the walls around her heart and put on the mask of joy and celebration.
Susan felt warm liquid on her palm and raised it to look at it. She had clenched her fist so tightly that she dug her fingers into her own skin. The four tiny half-crescent marks bled, and the blood trickled down to her wrist. A drop fell to the floor.
She knew it was no use. She looked at the crimson half-crescents and knew her efforts to ignore her feelings were hopeless. The wall she had built around heart crumbled to the ground like sand, and her strength vanished with it.
A tear slid down her cheek and she fell to the window seat where she sat, balled up on herself, and crying shamelessly. Anguish and despair overtook her.
AN: So, what do you think? Leave a comment! (No need to be afraid of being too harsh, I can take it). I will be posting approximately once a week—in case you were wondering…