AN: My heart was broken when I saw this week's Degrassi episode. Cam was one of my favorite characters and I cried while I watched it. It broke my heart. I decided to write a one-shot revolving around Maya and how she feels about the whole situation. This is my first Degrassi fic, so I hope its okay. Enjoy…
The Rain that Never Touched the Ground
One. He loves me. Two. He loves me not. Three. He loves me. Four. He loves me not. Five. He loves me. Six. He loves me not. Seven. He loves me. Eight… He loves me not.
The petals dropped from her hands and floated down onto the ground beneath her. Maya always used to pluck the petals off of flowers. She didn't know why, but she used to think that they would predict the future… In this case, she was right.
She wanted to confront that small fact, but that would mean giving in. It meant allowing herself to accept the fact that Cam was gone… and he wasn't coming back.
So many thoughts filled her head when she was in Principal Simpson's office. Campbell Saunders is dead. For some reason though, none of them were how or what or no or he's gone. It was just, he left me. Nothing else. No remorse or sadness. It was all just anger. He left me… he left me… he left me…
The problem with that was that she wasn't mad at herself; she was mad at him. How could he be so selfish?
Maya didn't do anything to lead him to his decision. If anything, she got him to stray away from it. So she could only blame the people around her.
Number one, Dallas. He was always tough on him. Yelling at him and telling him to suck it up. There was a reason he was always so stressed. There was a reason he was always so sad. There was a reason he wanted to stop. Cam didn't want to play hockey, but Dallas pushed him and he kept pushing till Cam eventually fell off the edge.
Number two, Zig. He wouldn't stop. He just kept pushing all his buttons and making sure to crawl under his skin. He smirked at him and made suggestive faces that made Cam want to walk right up to him and wipe the smug look right off his face. Cam could've… Cam did, but words will always be stronger then fists. Zig filled his mind up with the thoughts Cam had been struggling to push away. He planted the idea in his head. He set off the bomb.
Dallas may have sent Cam over the edge, but Zig watched and laughed as Cam struggled to climb back on. He stepped on his fingers and let him fall.
So yes, Maya could put the blame on other people, but she chose to put it on Cam himself. After all, he was the one that let the pain consume him till it was all he saw. Like a match sitting untouched, Cam struck it and watched the flames dance and waited for them to eat him alive. They did and they left nothing behind.
Maya didn't understand why it happened. She didn't understand why he couldn't have talked to her. She didn't understand why he couldn't get through it. Wasn't she enough?
She knew life wasn't easy and that it was often hard to deal with, but it never got to an extreme level. Maya didn't always have good days. Sometimes she came home feeling broken and tired and as much as she tried she couldn't stop the tears from coming.
That was another thing. Why wasn't she crying? Why wasn't she curled up in the corner of a room blaming herself? Was it because she didn't truly love him? Was it because he wasn't really gone? Was it because a part of her deep down knew that this was coming?
No, she didn't see it… she didn't see it… she didn't see it.
Maya just couldn't believe how he got the courage to do it. Did he hesitate? Did he weigh his options? Did he almost change his mind? When did he realize that it was better to die then to live? Maya wanted to know because a part of her was weighing the two choices at that very moment. Life or death?
Wind blew causing her hair to be pushed back. The tip of her feet hung over the edge as she stared down at the world under her. The sky was grey and gloomy and the world was suspiciously silent almost as if she was the only person on earth. Was that how it was to Cam the final moments before he took his last breath of air?
Maya would never know. She just wanted a sign. Something to tell her what to do.
Maybe she could make the decision… maybe she wanted to be selfish.
But she couldn't. She felt heartbroken and lonely and depressed and a part of her wanted to jump so badly, but she knew how it felt to have someone you love leave you behind. She couldn't do that to her family. She couldn't do that to her friends. She wasn't willing to be selfish.
Maya couldn't blame Dallas or Zig for Cam's death. She couldn't even blame Cam no matter how hard she tried to force herself to. She couldn't do it… she would have to blame the wind.
Maya stepped back from the ledge and picked up another flower from the floor.
One. He loves me.
Maya shoved the flower petal into her pocket before tossing the rest of the flower off the roof. She closed her eyes and allowed everything to sink in. It was time to confront everything she had blocked out. It was time to blame herself. It was time to let it all out.
Maya stared up at the cloudy sky and suddenly she felt a drop hit her cheek. Maya brought her hand up to her face and felt a warm wetness. She dropped her hand to her side and looked around… It wasn't raining.
AN: That's it. I hope you all like it. I apologize for any mistakes. Cam will be missed… R.I.P.