When I first thought of putting all this in writing, I knew from the get-go that it would have to be handwritten. It's too personal to do it any other way, and I don't trust myself to speak it to you in person right now without my voice trembling to the point of unintelligibility. Please bear with me.
Where to begin… I guess the beginning's a good place to start, so let's go back to Dalton for a minute. I was running late for the impromptu but impeccably scheduled Warblers performance, and when you addressed me I thought it would be a mistake to turn and talk, because then I would tardy for sure and Wes and David would have my ass for breakfast. (Side note: I apologize in advance for foul language). And then I saw you: all porcelain skin and chestnut hair and the such beautiful blue eyes they couldn't be of any human. I know it sounds cheesy, but that's the same description as I wrote in my journal later that day, and what I've thought of you ever since. You were so horribly disguised it was nothing but adorable, and I couldn't help but want to show off to you.
Your story broke my heart. I didn't want to think about how bad it must've been for you –even at my old school, where ignorant assholes ran rampant; at least there were a handful of other kids who had ventured out of the closet. It physically hurt to know that such a beautiful boy had to feel so alone.
When I tell people the story of us –it's a story worth telling, after all- they seem to think I'm mildly sadistic or have a crying kink because of the circumstances that brought about all our biggest milestones. I hope you know I've never taken pleasure in your pain. I just would do anything to make you happy, and those were times when you needed that the most. That's all.
The time we were together –if not together- at Dalton was the best time of my life before we actually were an item. I spent all those months just pining after you, each day a new adventure in trying to earn your affection. I loved you then, even if I didn't say it, as I've always loved you.
It was when we sang our first annual Christmas duet that I knew you were something special that was to never be let go. Maybe our voices have never melded perfectly, but that's nothing when there's such meaning in the words. I have to confess to you now, while we're on that topic: I did not perform that song anywhere but with you that year. Let me explain. It was sort of Wes's idea, too: you'd been so nervous with your Warbler audition, I begged him to give you another chance. He told me to catch you when you're more relaxed and coax you into singing when you're not feeling so pressured: sort of to size you up. Naturally, wanting to be as near to you as I can every second of every day, I pounced at the idea.
I'm babbling, aren't I? I'm sorry. There are so many thoughts I want to express to you, and they're not coming out in any coherent way. I know you probably don't want to be reading this –maybe you have thrown it away by now- but please find the patience to bear with me.
Had anyone else called me an attention whore –even in the roundabout, considerate way that you put it, eloquent as ever- I would've defended myself and my spot in the Warblers 'til death doth come. Maybe it was how I idealized you so, but I was inspired to remedy your feeling of feeling pushed to the background. Maybe it was a little against what your idea was, making all the Warblers feel an equal part of the group, when I singled you out for the duet, but it was all part of a master plan. I'd been trying to think of a way to ultimately woo you for months by then, and your frustration with me finally gave me the perfect idea for how to do it.
Yeah, the song I chose probably wasn't the best, but I've never been the best at romance. You know that more than anyone.
But that kiss… That kiss was when I knew magic truly existed in the world. When I kissed you, for those few seconds, there was no Warblers or disapproving father or anyone in the world that could tear me down from the absolute ecstasy. All for just five seconds, but it was enough to convince me that I needed you to be mine, then, now, and forever.
The next few weeks were a fantasy world for us, huh? We saw each other every day, and having so many tolerating friends at school we weren't really afraid to be openly together. I was sad when you went back to McKinley, but I knew that that was where your heart truly was, even if I was lucky enough to get a piece of it, too. All I could do was wish you the best of luck and promise we'd get by together.
I'm sorry it took so long to finally admit to you what I had been feeling for half a year already, but it only made me even more certain that when I told you that I loved you, it was the absolute truth. And I still feel that warm feeling inside whenever I think about how you had said it back after swallowing the coffee in your mouth.
Your senior year was a bit of a blur of drama and whatnot that put our relationship to the test. It hurts a little to go into detail in some of them, and I don't want to risk it hurting you, too, so I just have a few things from that year that I want to mention:
Thank you for insisting I transfer to your school. Thank you for supporting me even when I was unwillingly cast with the role you had wanted. Thank you for not clawing Sebastian's eyes out when he was flirting with me, even though even I would've much rather you did. Thank you for having patience through my utter hypocrisy when I accused you of cheating on me, even when it was absolutely no different than what I had been doing with Sebastian. Thank you for always looking out for me, even when I failed to do the same for you. Thank you for trying so hard to make our relationship work long-distance, while I was whiny and dependent on you, accusing you of not being there when I was the one who drove you to New York in the first place. Thank you for giving me chance after chance, even when there were so many times you maybe should've realized you deserved better than me.
And most importantly, thank you for trusting me with everything that you were that night we lost our virginity to each other.
I'm sorry I threw it all away. There has not been anything in my life I've regretted more than cheating on you and treating everything we had like it was nothing to me. You and everything we went through together made up my whole world, Kurt, even if I was selfish and irresponsible and didn't treat what we had with the gentle care it deserved.
I don't know if you really believe that that one night stand really meant absolutely nothing to me. I doubt you care whether it did or not, and I can't blame you for that. I chose momentary gratification, with the consequence that you –my one true love- would be left heartbroken. There is truly no excuse for that.
I've been selfish. I've been irresponsible. I've been controlling. I've been possessive. I've been thoughtless. I've been careless. I've been impulsive. I've been jealous. I've been neglectful. I've been narcissistic. I'm improving all that just for having known you. You and you alone will have made me a better person. I treated you horribly, Kurt. You always deserved so much better. I'm glad you're free to be happy now.
Today you married the new love of your life –I like to think he's only the second, because though it sounds egotistic, I can't imagine you would've stayed with me through all the hell I put you through if you didn't love me. As regretful as I may feel that I was at your wedding but not the other groom, I know it's for the better.
When I arrived this morning, I couldn't help but feel envious. Then, even after years of us being just friends (though I can still see the hurt in your eyes when you look at me), I still considered you to be mine. I didn't want to watch you marry another man. I have no ill feelings toward Adam, but you've always been mine.
I watched as you walked down the aisle toward the man who would become your wedded husband in just a few minutes. You looked so gorgeous. I can't even describe how taken by your beauty I was: words cannot describe such a thing. Your glow was only matched by the absolute happiness in your eyes, and that… that was when I knew you were his now. I realized in that moment, when you said 'I do' and he said it with equal love in return, that you were no longer mine. Adam made you happy in a way that I never had. Being my ridiculous self, I searched desperately for someone or something else to put the blame on for this. I thought to put it on Adam, for stealing you away from me, but we were not together when you two even met. I wanted to put it on Sebastian, for driving a wedge between us in the first place, but he stopped getting involved with us long before we broke up.
Though he was the one I cheated with.
For a moment, just the briefest second, I even thought to blame you for it. I literally slapped that idea out of my mind. No. It was my fault, all my fault and I would be the one to pay the consequences. You deserved nothing less than absolute bliss, and if your new man could achieve that for you, that was fine by me.
It was a beautiful ceremony, and the reception was wonderful, too. I had fun reconnecting with old friends, even as I had to stay away from the liquor. I'm an alcoholic, and I need to watch or I'll relapse.
But the night was really made when you hugged me, thanking me for coming. I think you didn't believe I would. I wondered if that may be the last physical contact we ever have. I sure as hell hope not.
I heard gossip from Rachel that you two are maybe planning to adopt soon, or hire a surrogate. If my opinion on that matter means anything, I'd opt for the surrogate: can never go wrong with more people in the world carrying on your unsurpassed beauty.
I wish the very best for you, Kurt. I hope you live happily forever with the man who makes your luminous eyes sparkle with joy. I hope all your dreams on Broadway come true. I hope you and Adam start a family, have a few kids, because you'll be an amazing father. I hope you never have to have another worry or sadness in the world, because I know better than anyone how filled with that your high school life was. I caused a lot of it, after all.
And I pray that you never stop being you, because no one in this world can even compare.
They say "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I've loved and lost you, but the former will never change. You will always occupy a special place in my heart, but you've made me a better person just for knowing you.
"Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."
Au revoir, mon amour.