Season 1 Episode 1 : Pilot

Kol hopped onto the sofa beside Alaric and stared at the flat screen, waiting for something to happen. Nothing was going on, but Alaric didn't seem too concerned. No, he had alcohol. Of course the man had alcohol. Wasn't he the Elder Salvatore's drinking partner?

"What's a chap got to do to get some alcohol around-" a bottle of bourbon appeared on the table in front of the sofa and Kol just grinned. "Now, that's more like it."

He picked up the bottle and glanced around for a glass, which then appeared in his hand. "Oh yes, I could get quite used to being dead."

Alaric just nodded and the room grew dark as the screen came to life.

For over a century, I have lived in secret.

"STOP!" The screen stopped where it was and Kol turned to look at Alaric. "Seriously? This starts with Niklaus's pet Ripper?"

Alaric rolled his eyes and the screen began to roll again.

… and this is my story.

The background music started to play and Kol took a huge drink from his glass. "Mystic Falls drama... you know, the Originals should get their own show. We are, after all, far more entertaining."

"Shut up and just watch, Kol!"

"The Vampire Diaries? Seriously? That's the best you could come up with for a title?! And look, it's the return of the rippahhh." He said it much like Klaus did and suddenly a pillow was being launched at his head.

Elena writing in her diary came on the screen, and Kol just rolled his eyes. "Go figure. It would be HER diary."

"Seriously, though. She is upset because she lost her parents? This has to be a joke."

"Kol, if you don't shut up, I will turn this off and leave you alone in purgatory."

Kol just glared at Alaric and sat back, annoyed that he had to sit through Klaus' blood bag being a whiny human.

Is there coffee?


Kol got excited, seeing his old friend on the screen. Alaric piped up, "Didn't he kill you?"

"Didn't Damon kill you?"

Elena was now being all whiny on the screen and Kol started chugging his liquor. "Don't drink that too fast. It won't do anything, but the witches get annoyed if you are too demanding."

Kol glared at Alaric, then glanced back at the screen. "If I have to sit through some teen drama just to watch blood be spilled, then I'm going to need this. And stop talking about witches like I don't respect them. I love witches."

Bonnie Bennett appeared on the screen and Kol sat forward, grinning. "Like that one. The Bennett witch. Very pretty little thing. Pity I didn't get to know her better."

"You would do well to stop talking about my granddaughter like that."

The screen stopped as Kol looked over his shoulder. "Ah, you must be Grandma Bennett. Pleasure to meet you. I'm Kol Mikaels-"

"I know who you are. You threatened my Bonnie."

Kol kind of chuckled at that and raised a glass. "Things happen, darling. Now, come sit and watch with us."

Sheila Bennett rolled her eyes and walked away.

"Tough crowd..."


Kol fell off the sofa, laughing so hard he spilled his glass. Alaric kicked at him on the floor, but Kol kept laughing. Matt trying to get Elena's attention after they used to date wasn't such a big deal. "Rebekah will never hear the end of this. That strumpet actually tried to chase after him. My God, this is too good."

A fresh voice came on the screen and Kol sat up, seeing blonde Caroline rushing up to Elena. "And now we see Klaus' little pet blonde. What is it that Damon called her? Blondie? Barbie? Whichever."

Jeremy was back on the screen, giving drugs to a brunette that Kol did not recognize. "Now who is that little lovely?"

"That would be Vicki Donovan. She's Dead."

"The commoner's sister? Is she here?"

"I am," came a sultry voice, and Kol turned to see the girl smiling at him.

"Excellent. Well, well, well, come here. You can sit with me while we watch."

Vicki sat beside Kol and took a drink of his bourbon. They turned back to the screen. TV Vicki started making out with Tyler, and Kol pushed her off the couch.


"You made out with the mutt? No thanks."

Vicki rolled her eyes and stomped off.

"I didn't think you would be so picky."

"I'm an Original."

Alaric glared at Kol then looked back at the screen.

"And now back to us boys!"

"Ripppaaaahhhh," Kol whispered.

"No thanks to your brother." A beautiful blonde walked in and sat down on a chair beside Alaric. She had her own bottle of some dark liquid and was drinking it out of the bottle. She and Alaric shared a nod as the screen continued.

"Poor Stefan. He had no chance with the return of the Originals. And this whole mysterious thing... Reminds me too much of Damon."

Alaric and the blonde shared a look. Kol was ready to pipe back up, but saw the blood bag getting into Jeremy's face. "Well, I must admit, the girl USED to be fun. First the commoner, then both of the Salvatores. She certainly did used to enjoy herself!"

A bottle was thrown at his head this time, and Kol ducked it.

"Wait a minute, is my witch, Klaus' pet, AND the blood bag interested in the rippah? It's like they have never seen a Vampire before."

"They hadn't."

Jenna had returned to the room and was sitting on Alaric's lap. "The Salvatores were the first Vampires to come to Mystic Falls in a number of years. That's why the show starts here. It's because of them that we're all dead."

She sounded bitter and Kol pocketed that for future reference.

"Seriously, the doppelganger is scared of fog?"


"Is she seriously insulting Jeremy? Where did that bitch go?"

The blonde started laughing, and Kol gave her a wink. "Oh god, I may ship Jol more than I ship Stelena. Watching you watch him is too adorable."


"Yeah, on Tumblr. Tumblr has it all. They all ship you and Jeremy together, but now having you here and defending him pretty much makes it canon."

Kol shook his head, completely confused.

"It's a way for all of us supernatural to communicate about the show as we watch it."

Jenna threw her hands in the air and got off of Alaric, then left the room. Alaric rolled his eyes and left as well. "We'll be back after you've explained this."

The blonde smiled at him, pulled a phone out of mid air, and dialed someone. "Anna? Come to me. I'm explaining Tumblr to Kol Mikaelson."

Kol could hear a squeal on the other side of the line, and suddenly a short, dark haired girl appeared. He was grinning, looking at the two of them. "My, my, it must be my lucky day."

"I dated Jeremy," was the first thing Anna said, and the blonde threw out, "I have a boyfriend."

Kol sat back and pouted. He was in the afterlife and there were no girls to play with? Pathetic.

And then the girls started to explain Tumblr to him while the show dragged on.

"Ah, it's the commoner again! Still obsessing over the blood bag? Please tell me that doesn't go on forever."

Lexi, which was the blonde's name, spoke up. "He actually dated Caroline for a while."

"Oh, I'm never letting Rebekah live this down," Kol said, grinning at the screen.

"More diaries? No wonder the Rippah is so moody. It sounds like some school project those teenagers do at their high school. Having to write down my life? Dear Diary, I drank blood today. It was wonderful. Dear Diary, I was undaggered. Niklaus is a bit of an idiot."

"Shut up, Kol!" He turned back to see Alaric and Jenna returning, their clothes slightly frumpled.

"Well well, I see someone is getting lucky in the afterlife."

Alaric smacked the back of his head, then sat down in a chair that appeared with Jenna on his lap.

"Spoil sports."

"Do we seriously have to listen to these girls constantly talk about the Rippa- Oh look, my Bonnie lass is having a vision! Attagirl!"

Anna burst out laughing and was typing away at her phone again. Kol tried to look at it but she pulled it away and looked at Lexi. "So shipping Kennett right now."

Lexi giggled and was typing at her phone as well. "Me too!"

Jenna just groaned and Alaric was drinking harder from his bottle.

"I still don't understand shipping... Where is the boat?"

"You know, I must admit, Tatia was not my style, and I wasn't around for Katherine, but I can tell that Elena is nothing like the other two. How has anyone ever gotten them confused?"

The room kind of looked at Kol slowly, and he shrugged. "I do see more than just a pretty face, you know."

"So this entire story is about the doppleganger and her- is Jeremy drinking over that slut again?"


Vicki had returned to the room and Kol rolled his eyes. "Alaric, buddy, can we get rid of all the ladies?"

Alaric paused the screen then looked at all the girls. "Alright, get out. You all know how to watch this. Even you, Jenna."

The ladies all left and Kol sat back, mumbling to himself, "I never thought I would get sick of the ladies..."

The screen was rolling again and Elena and Stefan were back on the screen. They were discussing Elena's parent's death and Kol was staring at the screen with an empty look on his face. "This is so dull."

You won't be sad forever, Elena.

Kol burst out laughing at that and looked at Alaric. Even Alaric had a little smirk on his face.

"And we see the Mutt making out with the druggie again. And the Mutt is a little ass. Still amazes me that he is still alive. Why has no one killed him yet?"

Alaric shrugged. "We almost did a few times. He actually bit Damon once. It's only because of Elena."

"Ah yes, the blood bag. She wants to protect so many people, and yet look at all the dead. Weren't we just filled with a room of them?"

Alaric didn't say anything.

"And now the commoner is staring at the blood bag again. Is there anyone that HASN'T fallen for the doppelganger?"

Alaric sat there for a moment tossing the thought back and forth. "I'm pretty sure it was just the Salvatores and Matt. And possibly Elijah."

Kol burst out laughing again. "My brother? Oh yes, he falls for every doppelganger. And they said Klaus was cursed..."

The fog began to roll on the screen and Vicki was attacked. "Seriously? Fog? What kind of pathetic Vampire uses that?"

Caroline was once again trying to attract Stefan's attention and Kol shook his head in disgust. "You know, I often tease my brother, and given his attraction for the blonde vampire, I have to tease her as well, but this is just pathetic to watch."

"Caroline grew into her Vampire fangs eventually, but you have to understand... Caroline... You'll see. She changes a lot over the next year. You wouldn't find her so pathetic if you knew. I don't think any of us really knew what in all happened."

"So a Vampire attacked the Mutt's girl. Interesting."

"It won't be the last time, either."

"You know, that house looks a little different. Is that a different place than the normal Salvatore boarding house?"

Alaric studied it for a second beside him. "I think you're right. Well, that's odd."

Damon appeared on the screen with a crow.

"Leave it to Damon Salvatore to use fog and a crow. How pathetic."

Alaric snorted into his bourbon and drank to that.

Hello, brother.

Kol burst out laughing with Alaric and drank as well.

Crow's a bit much, don't you think?

"Well, at least we agree on something, ripper," Kol muttered under his breath.

"And so begins the Salvatore brothers fighting over another doppelganger?"

"And so it begins... Elena didn't stand a chance."

Kol laughed. "Please, the brothers didn't stand a chance. They should have known better after dealing with that tramp Katherine."

It's just the beginning.

"Ah, my Bonnie lass is so smart. You know, I only talked to her twice, well once, really, but I wish I had spent more time with her. She certainly knows how to keep a man guessing."

"Bonnie isn't much like you would expect either, Kol. She isn't one you should have tried to cross."

Kol chuckled. "My headache still remembers."

She's a dead ringer for Katherine.

"These Salvatore boys are idiots. How old are they? 150 years? They should have known what a doppelganger is. They should have known who the Petrova doppelganger was to begin with."

The boys were fighting on the screen now and Kol grinned.

"Now, that's more like it."

Caroline was comparing herself to Elena and Kol shook his head.

"And yet, she avoids my brother, who seems to want to do anything for her. I will never understand women."

"Me and you both."

Kol and Alaric raised their near empty bottles and drank.

"More diary talking?"

Damon was eyeing Caroline on the screen and Kol spit out all of the alcohol in his mouth.

"Oh God, this is too much. Far too much. The commoner, the mutt, AND the Drunk Salvatore? Definitely never going to let Klaus hear the end of this..."

"Except you can't communicate with him..."

Kol glared at Alaric. "Thanks for reminding me I'm dead."

"You already were dead."

"Very funny."

The episode was done, and Kol just stared at the screen, confused. "So, let me get this straight? The bloodbag's parents died in a car accident, the Ripper is chasing after her because she looks like Kitty Kat, my Bonnie lass doesn't know she is a witch, and the elder Salvatore is hitting on Klaus' blonde Barbie?"

Alaric sat there for a moment thinking about it. "You forgot that Matt's sister is sleeping with Jeremy and Tyler, and she was attacked by a Vampire."

Kol nodded to himself. "Sounds like a bad teen drama."

So, what do you guys think?

Cover : a little blonde distraction
Ep 1 Beta : suchaglamorouslie, sushiloveswhitlock

Tumblr, my ninjas! melanoradrood . tumblr . com

As for what else I am doing, I started Queen of the Heartless. It is a role reversal where Caroline and the MF gang are the Originals and the Mikaelsons as the humans. It is lovely and Dark... I'm updating that twice a week, and I'm going to do this twice a week. Maybe more if I get so inspired. So, read and enjoy!