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How could she think I wouldn't notice? Did she think I was stupid? The way her and Shana looked at each other…there was something there. Was there still something? Hanna said at the bar they looked pretty cozy, so maybe she was right. Maybe Paige and Shana were seeing each other. Why else would she lie?
I didn't know whether to cry or punch something. A million things were running through my head. I knew I should be more focused on A and CeCe and everything that had sprung up about Ali, but how could I? There was a very real possibility that I could lose Paige or that I already had. We've been through so much. Maybe she just couldn't stand it. I could understand, but thinking about it made everything inside of me tighten up.
Lucky for me, everything with A and my friends never ceases to take over.
Paige dropped us off at Hanna's so Hanna and I could talk. We did and Hanna tried to convince me that despite what she had said initially she didn't believe for a second Paige would ever cheat on me, but how could she know? 'Why else would Paige lie?' was all that kept spinning around in my head.
The conversation just irritated me more and then Aria showed up and we had to calm her down. What a mess. Something is always falling apart around me, around us, no wonder we can't have any kind of stable relationships.
Everything that was happening just left me more agitated than anything else. The lies, the confusion. It just led back to the same emotion I have been left with for a while now: anger.
How could she lie? After everything we've been through?
I just needed to talk to her. We had decided to meet up at my place after Hanna's. Because of everything that happened with talking to Aria it took longer than I had thought, so I ended up pulling in right after Paige had. When I saw her standing there I got even more worked up. I was hurt and scared mostly and the only way my mind could process it was with anger and annoyance. Why would she lie if nothing was happening?
"Everything okay at Hanna's?" she asked. She seemed like she wasn't affected by what had happened with Shana and the costume shop, which only fueled my irritation.
"Yeah. Aria just came over and had some things to talk about. Come inside."
Pretense wasn't even an option at this point. I wanted her to know I was annoyed, that none of this was okay. I didn't even wait to walk in with her; I just headed straight for my room. I took off my jacket and laid it out on the bed. She was leaning against my dresser and suddenly I couldn't bring myself to look at her. She started talking almost immediately.
"Any idea why Shana got in trouble for emailing confidential information?"
Apparently, she was more annoyed than she was letting on. Still unable to look at her, I walked towards my desk and started to idly straighten it up. If I looked at her, it would have all bubbled over and holding anything inside wouldn't have been an option.
"We needed to find out who rented those costumes," I said.
It was that simple; we had to find out who rented it to piece some of this mess together. Why was she so testy about it?
"So badly you're willing to risk somebody's job?"
I whipped around to look at her, completely furious now.
"It's complicated, okay?"
Of course she was challenging me. She wouldn't be her if she didn't. She wasn't going to let this go and by this point I didn't know how much more I could take.
"There's more to this than you're letting on," she said. "Is it something about Mona? …did she kill Garrett?"
I snapped. I whipped around again, wide-eyed, and yelled, "I don't know! Look, I know you and Caleb are trying to bust her, but this might be bigger than Mona, okay? She could be working for someone."
This wasn't just about Paige or the costume shop. There were so many missing pieces that weren't fitting together and I just wanted to scream. The whole situation, my whole life, as always, was a mess. This was just one more thing. More mysteries, more lies.
"Someone like who?"
"That's what we're trying to figure out."
I was starting to deflate. By this point, I couldn't bring myself to be as mad as I was. I was too tired.
"We thought it was CeCe but now… We don't know what to think," I continued, crossing my arms and finding myself once again unable to look at her.
"Why didn't you tell me this?"
"Cause I was being protective," I said sharply. "Same as you and Caleb."
We stopped talking for a minute and of course my mind went back to Paige and Shana. Back to the lie.
I was starting to get annoyed again as I said, "Now it's your turn… Shana?"
"No. We can't be half honest. I saw the way you two looked at each other."
She wasn't looking at me as she started to speak, "We dated…this summer…while you were working in Haiti. Three weeks."
It hit me harder than I thought it would. I wished for a second I hadn't made her tell me. Paige, my Paige, had been with someone else and kept it from me. I couldn't wrap my head around it. I finally asked her the question that had been circling in my mind since I saw them together.
"If it was over why would you lie about it?"
"Because I didn't want to hurt you."
I couldn't take it. Any of it. Everything was a mess and now there was this thing in between Paige and I. She was with someone else. She wanted someone else. Did she still want her? Was it still going on?
"Emily, believe me, it's over."
I finally gathered the strength to look at her as she continued.
"She was a substitute at a time when I never thought I'd get the real thing…"
I just looked at her. This changed things; it would forever change how I saw her. Even if it was over. She wasn't just my Paige anymore and I actually felt like I was going to be sick. I also had an incredibly strong urge to strangle Shana.
"I love you."
I wanted to believe her. She was standing there looking directly at me, practically begging me to trust what she was saying. We had been through so much. I trusted her with my life. I have shown her sides of me that no one has ever seen, but I couldn't help but feel robbed somehow.
Then, she kissed me. It was light and quick but I felt it. It was simple, but I knew what it meant. I tried to fight it, but I couldn't. I grinned. How could I not? She was such a sap. She was standing there, completely open to me as always, looking at me with worried eyes and that look she gets when she's serious. Of course she loved me. Maybe this changed how I saw her slightly, but it didn't change who she is or how we feel. She was still her. My beautiful Paige.
It didn't take us long to come together and start kissing. Paige pulled me gently to her and all I could think about was being inside of her. I wanted her. Right now. I knew I had to be practical though. Mom was coming home at some point and I still had to go see Cece and try and figure some of that mess out.
I pulled away a little and told her, "We don't have much time. Mom gets home soon and I still have to go talk to CeCe…"
"Then why are you still talking?"
Perfect. She was absolutely perfect.
The kissing recommenced and I felt her hand cup my breast. I wanted her to touch me. I wanted her to take me, but then I remembered Shana. All I could see in my head was her touching Shana like this and then I thought about Shana touching her and my competitive nature and jealously took over. I moved her hand off my breast and to her side. I was in control. I was going to have her and show her why she was mine. I was going to be better than Shana ever was.
I grabbed her by the hips and pulled her to me, kissing her as I started moving us towards the bed.
I laid her down on the bed. She was propped up on her elbows and I moved to straddle her hips. My eyes never left hers. We were both turned on and breathing heavily. All I could think of was her underneath of me, waiting for me to take her, her pale skin under my hands. I wanted to kiss her all over. I wanted to taste her. I was smirking, thinking about all the things I wanted to do to her.
I knew how ready she was when she sat up and took my vest off. Then, she immediately took my shirt off and started taking in every inch of me. I knew she wanted to touch me, taste me, be all over me.
Not tonight. Tonight she was mine. Only mine.
I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her lightly. I was ready, but then suddenly the idea of her being 'only mine' struck me. She wasn't only mine. She had been with someone else. Someone other than random boys. She had been with another girl. Another girl had touched her. Had they had sex? All I could see was Paige coming undone underneath of Shana. I felt like I was going to cry, but I had to know what happened between them.
"Did you and Shana…"
"Em, no. God, no."
"But, you kissed, right? Hooked up? …Did she touch you?"
"Yeah. We…made out and stuff. I was just lonely and missing you…"
"How did she touch you?"
"The normal way... I don't know."
"Did she touch you like this?"
I moved my hands to her chest and teased her, just like I had a million times. Just how I knew she liked me to.
I leaned down and whispered, "Tell me."
I don't know if it was because of the way I was touching her, the look in her eyes, or the mental image of her naked and coming that made this moment so raw and sexy. But it was and it all just made me want her more.
"Yeah," she breathed out, swallowing hard.
Her stuttered response only proved that she was feeling as aroused as I was, so I gently pushed her back to lay on the bed completely. I was between her legs and she had them wrapped around me. I pushed up, knowing how much she would love it.
As she groaned, I kissed her again. Just softly, just enough to make her want more. When I knew she wanted it, I moved for her breast, working her up more, and began pressing my hips into her harder. I was feeling it too, the ache, the pleasure.
She was begging me and I couldn't stop the grin that formed on my face. She wanted me to take her. Badly. Exactly as I planned. I knew where to touch her and how. Nobody knew her body like I did and I was going to prove it.
I pulled my hand out from under her shirt and moved it to undo her pants. I pulled them down and removed everything from her waist down. She was half naked and that was all I needed her to be to get where I was going. I pulled her closer to the edge of the bed and dropped to my knees between her legs. My mouth was actually watering in anticipation of what I was about to do.
I planned on making it last, doing this as slowly as I possibly could. I started kissing her all over. First, I lifted her shirt slightly to kiss her stomach. Then, I slowly placed soft kisses and licks across her inner thigh. I was so close. I think I was as ready as she was to be on her, inside of her.
I looked up at her, she had her eyes shut and I started smiling like a fool all over again.
She was making little noises. The noises I was becoming so used to. Noises that turned me on and told me exactly what she wanted, what she needed.
I finally slid her underwear down, I wanted so badly to bring my mouth to her, but I didn't. I kissed all around. Softly, teasingly. I too was getting more and more worked up as I continued to torture her. Paige coming undone, especially because of my actions, turned me on just thinking about it. Even when we weren't near each other, when I was doing something mundane, or just sitting idly, my mind wandered to moments like this. I craved her milky skin and her taste. I longed for the sounds she makes, the certain way she contorted with pleasure.
She tried to reach out and touch my head, bring me to where I knew she needed me, but I moved her hand away. She wasn't going to do the touching. I wanted to touch her like Shana hadn't. I was going to show her how much I wanted her to be only mine. I had to. There were a million reasons for her to walk away, but this area of our relationship was not one of them. I had to show her.
I looked up at her, making sure she was okay, making sure she did want it too. I may have been in control but I still needed to know she was alright, ready.
Sensing this, she opened her eyes and our eyes met. We didn't need words. We both knew this was what we both wanted. She licked her lips and we instinctively leaned in and kissed. When we pulled away, Paige nodded and I knew. She wanted me. She was only thinking about me and the things she felt for me, because of me. I swallowed hard and moved in, connecting with her center.
In return, I received a loud, "Fuck…"
I wasn't on the receiving end of an orgasm, but that reaction was more than enough for me. It was sexy and unfiltered. She was sexy. Every noise, every profanity, every inch of her: sexy.
There are many things I like about sex with another girl. This being my favorite. Especially with Paige. I love looking up at her and seeing her dismantled. I love the way she tastes and how I know exactly how she likes it. The right way to stroke her with my tongue, the right amount to suck.
Taking her in, I physically needed to touch her.
I ran my hands under her shirt, briefly over her breasts, and up her thighs. I took one arm and wrapped it under her leg so I could pull her closer and hold her still as my actions made her wriggle. Then, without warning or lead in, I took one finger and slid inside of her. She grunted and threw her head back, her hands clenching the comforter underneath her.
Paige was so tight... and that was something only I knew, something only I got to feel.
I moved in and out. Slowly. Working her up and letting myself feel her.
She was moaning and writhing, trying to get me to go faster, harder.
I added another finger and kept my mouth on her, never stopping, moving faster and faster.
I pushed inside of her harder, deeper, and she unfolded.
She was tightening around me. Inside and out.
She let out a scream and a whimper. As she finished, her chest heaved as she tried to catch her breath. I pulled out of her, my fingers coated, covered in her. I looked up to closed eyes and could only think of one more thing I had to do.
I started sucking and biting at her inner thigh, not to tease her or get her worked up again, but to leave a mark. When she took her clothes off, I wanted her to look down and see a reminder of this, of me on and inside of her. I wanted her to feel a twinge down below thinking about my mouth, my hands, my lips. Physical proof that I was the only one to come near that part of her. A secret only her and I shared.
When I was done, I stood and watched as she finally seemed to settle down, eyes still closed. I laid her down and rested my hands by her sides, propping myself up so I was above her, my hair falling around us. I kissed her gently, lazily. Letting her calm.
The kiss ended and I looked down at her as she looked up at me. I couldn't help but smile. Her laying there under me was beautiful. She was beautiful. My beautiful, sweet Paige.
She reached up and brushed my hair back, cradling my face in her hands. My heart fluttered as she spoke.
"That was all for you, Em. Only you."