A/N So this is a belated birthday present for my Caitee! She's a sucker for vulnerable Logie and Kendall hugs, as am I. There's something about Big Time Rush and their arms that make me dsjvbnedfbgherge. And nothing is cuter than a cuddly Logan. Is this bromance? Yes. Is Logan babied and broken and adorable? Yes. Is this slightly gay in a non-slashy way? I don't care. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAITEE.
Summary: While Big Time Rush is on a short break after tour, Kendall leaves for a hockey intensive. Logan can't handle his absence and longs to be safe in his arms. Based on the song by Red, only not as sad and intense.
So yeah. Enjoy "Hold Me Now."
"Hey this is Kendall! I can't come to the phone right now. I'm either too busy scoring goals on the ice, or I just don't feel like answering. Leave me a message at the beep and maybe I'll call you back!"
Logan's thumbs fumbled in the darkness to press the "End" key on his phone. The small device made a blip sound and the screen went black. He sighed and settled back on his big, cold bed. Of course Kendall wouldn't have answered his phone, and Logan wasn't expecting him too. It was 1 o' clock in the morning. Any sane person would be asleep by now.
He just wanted to hear his voice, even if it was just a 5 second crappy recording.
Just like every night the past few weeks, Logan Mitchell was wide awake, staring at his bedroom wall, the freezing darkness enveloping him like a frigid blanket.
He never thought he would miss him so much.
Sure, the moment Kendall had burst through the front door one day, bubbling with pride and excitement about how he was going to a 6 week-long hockey intensive 6 hours away, Logan felt like he had been punched in the stomach. Yes, he was proud and happy for his friend, and he kept a smile plastered on his stunned face for the sake of Kendall's happiness as the blonde chattered away about all the opportunities this meant (he would get to learn from some of his most beloved pro players he grew up watching.)
But he had known right away what it would mean; over a month without Kendall.
And when Logan had watched Kendall pass through security to catch his plane, he felt like he could hardly even breathe. His chest was heavy and twisting with anxiety because how could he go 6 weeks without Kendall at his side?
He'd only admit it to himself how dependent he was on Kendall. Carlos and James didn't realize his attachment. They knew he was sad about Kendall's departure, and comforted him with hugs and forehead kisses and even offered to buy him anything he wanted to cheer him up. They hated seeing Logan teary-eyed and quiver-lipped. But he would never let them in on the panic attack that was growing in the pit of his tummy, or how he couldn't sleep at night without his best friend in the bed next to his, letting his soft snores and steady breaths lull him to sleep. Logan thought he could get through it by himself. After all, he wasn't a child anymore. He was a grown teenaged boy, and he could manage a few weeks without his best friend. Maybe distance would make the heart grow fonder.
He was wrong.
All it did was make his little heart terrified, and lonely. It literally felt like eternity that he had been without Kendall, even though it had only been a matter of weeks.
So no, even though Logan knew for sure he would miss him, he could have never foreseen such an empty, painful ache in his bones and in his heart. If he had known it would be this bad, he would have begged Kendall to stay, pleaded and cried and thrown a tantrum and pulled on his arm and screamed at the top of his lungs for him not to go.
But instead, with a tiny wave of sorrow, he had let Kendall go fulfill his dreams, because that's what friends are for, aren't they?
But was it normal to miss someone this much?
Logan supposed not. This kind of intense attachment was not healthy. No matter what he did to get his mind off of Kendall, he still felt like a piece of him was missing.
The phone calls were almost enough. Every morning and every evening, Kendall would call and go on and on about his day, how he got a brand new pair of skates or learned a new trick or met an amazing hockey hero. And Logan would just listen, a faint, sad smile painted on his pale, forlorn features, enjoying the sound of Kendall's slightly whiny, sweet yet strong voice. And when Kendall would ask Logan how he was doing, Logan would just mutter that he was fine. Kendall knew he was lying, though. It hurt him to hear the pain in Logan's voice every day. Logan didn't know this, of course. He assumed Kendall was having the time of his life up in Minnesota (which he was) and didn't miss him at all (which was wrong.)
Logan stared at the glowing green light of his digital bedside clock. It was almost 2 AM now. He was so tired from not getting sufficient sleep lately. He burrowed down under his covers, shivering a bit, trying to extract the same warmth from his blankets as he did from Kendall's arms. It just wasn't even comparable. The covers were too scratchy and heavy. They didn't wrap him up the same way as Kendall's long arms did. They didn't squeeze him, or rub his back and pat him gently. They didn't provide any protective comfort or brotherly love. They didn't have Kendall's heartbeat.
With a groan of frustration, Logan kicked off the blankets to the floor and wrapped his own arms around his middle, shaking from the seemingly endless cold he felt without Kendall in the room. His cheeks lit up with embarrassment when he suddenly whimpered, even though nobody was around to hear it. A single tear rolled down his cheeks. He rolled his eyes and wiped away the wet droplet quickly. Why was he so ashamed to cry? Why did it hurt so bad to be away from the one person he considered close enough to be a big brother?
Kendall's hockey intensive was 6 hours away without stopping. Logan rolled the information in his head, suddenly considering the ridiculous. It was 2 AM. If he left now, he could make it to Kendall's dorm by 9, if he hurried up. He'd feel stupid showing up on Kendall's doorstep out of nowhere. Maybe Kendall would even be mad. But right now, Logan didn't care.
With almost no consideration at the spontaneous idea, he rolled out of bed and pulled a sweatshirt on over his tank and a pair of jeans over his red boxers. He then grabbed enough money for gas and slipped on a pair of shoes.
James was at a modeling convention for the weekend and Carlos was at a sleepover, so it's not like Logan had to sneak out of the house. But for some reason, he felt that guilty, ashamed knot forming in the pit of his stomach. He just wanted to see Kendall's face a little while, give him a hug, maybe go for breakfast, and then he would come back home. It was no big deal, right?
Logan grabbed his car keys and set out on the road. The air was a bit chilly and damp and the roads were empty and dark. It was dangerous being out this late, but all Logan could see was Kendall's face.
Within a matter of couple of hours, though, Logan found himself downright exhausted. He was still hours away from his destination, but his eyes were drooping closed. When he nearly swerved off the highway from closing his eyes for a moment too long, he realized he needed a break, now.
The next exit Logan found he turned off and drove up to a cute, small 24 hour diner with an attached gas station, the only lit up place in the little strip of shops and restaurants. After filling up his tank with gas, he escaped the lonely parking lot to the warm and quiet diner. He was the only person in the place, aside from a middle aged waitress with a white shirt and little black apron.
"Well hey honey, aren't you a little too young to be out driving by yourself at this time of night?" The woman asked as Logan took a seat at the shiny, wood laminate counter.
"Probably," Logan mumbled. He didn't mean to sound so unfriendly. He just couldn't keep the dejection out of his voice. He was cold and tired and didn't know where he was. He wanted to be home with Kendall, like it's always been before he left for that stupid hockey intensive.
"You look like you need a cup of coffee," the waitress said sympathetically. Before Logan could agree, a steaming cup of the black liquid was set down in front of him.
"Thanks," Logan said softly, wrapping his cold fingers around the hot mug and letting them linger there for a moment before taking a long sip.
"Will you be ordering any food today?" The waitress asked after letting Logan enjoy his coffee for a moment.
"I don't know," Logan whispered. He was still trying to figure out what he should do. The whole idea was stupid and thoughtless and even dangerous, to drive out to where he'd never been before in the middle of the night just to try and find his friend, who probably didn't even miss him. What if Kendall even laughed at him for it all? Although Logan knew deep in his heart Kendall would never laugh at him-he never had before during any of Logan's cowardly actions. But it was still something he feared. He was tired of acting like a scared little boy all the time without Kendall around.
"You okay kid?" The waitress asked when Logan looked close to tears.
"I'm stupid," Logan mumbled his thoughts automatically, his cheeks lighting up red as soon as he realized what he said. The lady gave him a stern look.
"Now we don't talk about ourselves that way around here. You might be reckless, or careless, or maybe even done something stupid, but it doesn't mean you're stupid, kiddo. Now what did you do? Bad break up? Run away?"
Logan shook his head, stirring his coffee absentmindedly and watching the cream swirl around because he was too shy to look the woman in the eyes. "No. I'm not running away from anything, but I guess I'm running towards something. Or maybe it's a little bit of both. I'm running away from all of my fears to the one person who can take it all away."
"Mmm? And who might that be?"
Logan sighed. "My best friend. His name is Kendall."
"Well he must be some best friend if you're driving around at 4 AM lookin' for him. But don't you think he'd rather you be safe at home in bed than out on the road?"
"I'm sure he'll murder me when he finds out. He's protective over me but… I don't know, I kind of like it. He's strong. He used to be my hero. Well he still is, but I guess it's kinda dumb to still have a hero when you're 17. Whenever he's not around I get this really awful anxiety. And I thought I'd be able to deal with it but it's been weeks and it's only getting worse. So I got up in the middle of the night tonight to go see him. But now I'm exhausted and I think I might even be kind of lost and I didn't bring enough money for a hotel room and I never do idiot things like this. At least not when Kendall is around…" Logan trailed off, putting his hand to his forehead. This was absolutely insane, pouring his heart out to some lady he'd never met before, sleep deprived and starving and cold…
Logan shivered. Why was he still cold when he'd been inside this whole time? Why wasn't he warming up? He took another sip of coffee. The liquid warmed his insides briefly, but then he was chilly again.
"Hey, kiddo I know what it's like to miss somebody and need them," the waitress said, putting her finger beneath his chin to look into his wide, sad, doe-like eyes. The poor sweetheart was so exhausted and confused. "There's no shame to it. Maybe you're even braver than you think without him, though. There was somebody I missed endlessly when I was around your age, but I was to cowardly to admit it even to myself. I was afraid to admit I needed someone. And one day, that person was gone, without me even letting them know how I felt. And I'd say you're pretty brave to just get up and drive on a whim to find this person, little one. Most people just sit around waiting for their person to come back to them. But you're fighting for him. You won't let yourself exist without him. That's a good thing. And who knows, maybe he needs to know he's needed? He'll know how special he is to you. You're world revolves around him and I guarantee his world revolves around you, too."
Logan looked down at his dangling feet, letting her words sink in. The waitress tapped the counter.
"I'll make you up a burger, sweetheart. You need some food and rest. Go curl up in a nice comfy booth and I'll bring you a hot meal. You're shivering like crazy."
"Yes ma'am," Logan said, his voice low and cracked. He found a booth at the end of the diner and crawled in, leaning against the wall with his knees to his chest. He buried his nose in his knees and thought about Kendall, the way he smelled of mint with undertones of sweet berry, most likely from all of the smoothies that he was so addicted to. He thought of the way Kendall sang, so confident and fearlessly, his voice clear and strong, eyes squinted with emotion. He could almost hear him singing the lullaby he sang every time Logan couldn't sleep. Logan let the vague sounds soothe him, wishing Kendall was really with him singing him to sleep.
Logan was dozing off when a familiar voice lilted through the diner, ordering a cheeseburger and fries. Logan thought the voice sounded just lie him, only much more tired than normal, and slightly sad.
He slowly lifted his head off knees in disbelief. Surely it was just someone who sounded like him. But there he was, seated at the counter, gray beanie covering his dirty blonde hair and plaid jacket wrapped around his skinny body.
Logan blinked, once, twice. It wasn't a dream. Kendall was sitting across from him, when he should be hours away sleeping in a dorm room. He couldn't help but to stare in shock for a moment or two. Maybe it wasn't really him, just someone who looked like him, like some guys look just like Justin Bieber but then you do a double take and realize it's not really him.
The blonde must have felt eyes staring at him because he started to turn towards Logan, who was almost invisible behind the huge booth. He tried to make himself into a small ball, feeling embarrassed that whoever looked like his best friend caught him staring.
"Oh my God, Logie?"
Logan couldn't believe it.
"Kendall?" Logan squeaked, uncurling himself and sliding out of the booth.
"Logie what are you doing here?" Kendall asked, awestruck. He jumped out of his seat and ran towards Logan, lifting the smaller boy clear off the ground in a bone crushing hug. Logan didn't answer. He was too afraid Kendall would be mad at him. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Kendall's neck and his legs around his waist, clinging to his best friend.
Immediately, Kendall went into protective, worried mode. "Logan you're 3 hours from home! Do you have any idea what time it is? Is everything alright? What's going on?"
Logan still wouldn't answer. He buried his face in the crook of Kendall's neck and breathed deep. He didn't smell like he did at the Palmwoods. Now he smelled faintly of sweat and hockey gear and ice.
"Logie please answer me, you're scaring me."
"I just missed you," Logan mumbled into Kendall's neck.
"Oh… Buddy…" Kendall breathed. He carried Logan to a table and set him down on a chair, then sat across from him. "Are you sure that's all? Everything's okay at home?"
"Yeah, Kendall. I just wanted to come visit you. But I was too tired and stopped off here first… Wait a minute Kendall why are you here? Shouldn't you be at your hockey school?"
Kendall shrugged sheepishly. "I know. But it's not… It's not everything I thought it would be. It's not home. I kind of always thought my destiny was to play hockey but it's not. I mean it's great and everything over there but I missed the Palmwoods. I missed my buddies. I missed you. I-I'm not a hockey player, I'm a boy band member and your big bro."
Logan smiled. "You mean you, Kendall the great and rock-solid, was homesick?"
"Yeah, I guess being away from home isn't my thing," he said, trying to sound cool but failing epically. Logan all but dove into Kendall's arms, burrowing into his warmth.
"Well I'm glad you decided to come back," Logan said.
"Me too," Kendall said, rubbing Logan's back. "You're in trouble, though."
"Pulling a dangerous stunt like this! You should have called and come during the day, not in the middle of the night! You're grounded Logan Mitchell," Kendall taunted.
"Whatever," Logan mumbled. Kendall chuckled. Logan snuggled his head against Kendall's sturdy chest, right where his heartbeat could thud gently against his ear. He suddenly realized something. His shivering had ceased.
"I'm not cold anymore," Logan whispered.
"Hmm?" Kendall hummed, running a hand thru Logan's raven hair. Logan smiled against his chest.
"Nothing, Kendall. Can we go home now?"
"Yeah bud, let's go home."
A/N Well, happy super belated birthday Caitee! So sorry this took so long to write. I must have deleted and rewrote it 3000000 times so hopefully the finished product was worth the wait. Thanks for reading. Reviews are mashed potatoes. (What I'm craving mashed potatoes okay)