Buried depth within the Holy Grail, Angra Mainyu was, to put it simply, bored. It had been about seventy years since he was first put into that stupid cup, and at first he thought it would be a grand chance to reap his revenge on the world that wronged him. As soon as someone wins the Grail War and makes a wish on the Grail, he would be unleashed and twist it into a wish of absolute destruction.
It was just taking too damn long!
He supposed he shouldn't be surprised. There had been 4 Wars so far and somehow all had yet to result in a victor. Honestly, how hard was it too kill a bunch of people without dying yourself? And now that infuriating man who refused him the last time had set things in motion that would ruin the leyline before the next War could come about. Sure, there was enough power stored up from the previous wars that he had already started the 5th War 50 years early, but past experience had shown him that he couldn't rely on it. Knowing his luck so far, someone would find out and destroy the Grail in some insipidly dramatic and emotional context.
And so, the embodiment of all the evils of mankind decided to do something else as well. The Grail Ritual was constructed by that vampire sorcerer that traveled dimensions, so some of that magic was available to him. He would summon another version of himself to this world, and together the two of them would most assuredly have the power to break the bonds of the cup he inhabited and wreak all havoc on the world.
However, the moment before he posed his request to the Grail, he hesitated. Then he changed his mind and put forth the summon for something even more evil than he was. What's the worst that could happen? He thought to himself. The world will be destroyed even more?
Within the Grail, energies swirled and a form came forth. Technically, there was no physical space with the Grail, but a personification was there. And it wasn't anything like Mainyu expected.
It looked like a fat genie, with baggy pants, pointy shoes, no shirt and a turban. Its skin was completely black, save for its bright red lips. Whatever it was, it just stared at him with large round eyes.
This... was not what he expected.
"Oh what the shit?" Mainyu said. "This thing is more evil than I am? I'm calling bullshit."
"So, this is the worthless maggot that interrupted my toast making time." The creature said in a high pitched voice.
"Why the hell should I-" Mainyu began.
"Prepared to be assimilated."
"What the fuck are you-" Mainyu stopped when he noticed a number black tentacles creeping up his body. Then the tendrils began consuming him. "What?! No! Get the fuck of me! AAAAAHHHHGGG!"
A few moments later, all the evils of man was eaten like pancakes by a fat man at an Ihop. "Went down like a little bitch." Mr. Popo said as he idly glanced around at his container. He could break out at anytime he wanted, but this presented a unique opportunity for him. "Hmm, it's been awhile since I had a bunch of maggots kill each other for my amusement. Eh, I guess I'll stay for awhile."
And so, the Fifth Holy Grail War began. And it was immensely stupid.
Ilya blinked in confusion as the light from her summoning faded and she beheld the Servant she summoned. While the man was indeed gigantic and made of rippling muscles, but the homunculus doubted that he was Heracles. For starters, he was bald and had a weird looking mustache. And for another thing, he was wearing strange blue and yellow armor with massive shoulder pads.
"Hi." He said in a high but gravelly voice, a stupid grin plastered on his face.
"W-Who are you?!" Ilya demanded. "I was summoning Heracles! Why are you here!"
"I'm Nappa, and I don't know how this Hercule guy is, but he sounds disappointing." The large man replied.
"What?! I've never heard of you! I'm supposed to summon someone from legend! What the hell have you done?!"
The man looked excited at the prospect. "Well, once I was the advisor to king, and then I had a fabulous modeling career." A beat. "Oh, and I once video taped some bug people having sex!"
Ilya's brain completely shut down at this point. She simply stared and gaped at the man, having no idea (and no desire) to understand what Nappa just said.
About a minute later, the giant man said "So how about we go to Dairy Queen!" He said in his usual excited tone.
Ilya's mind was still in the process of rebooting, but she still managed to stutter out "Th-there are no D-Dairy Queens in Japan."
"Not a problem!" The man said. He then proceeded to grab Ilya and jump through the roof of the Einzburn mansion.
"Weeeeeeeee!" Nappa screamed.
"AAAAAAAHHHHH!" Ilya screamed.
And that's how Ilya ended up in the continental United States.
Bazette blinked in confusion as she looked at the man she summoned. He was fairly short, with blonde hair and a bright red overcoat over his black clothes. He was also most certainly not Cú Chulain.
"This is… most unexpected." She heard Kotomine say from behind her.
"What the bullocks is this nonsense?" The man (more of a boy really) said in a British accent as he looked around. "Here I was having a perfectly normal time magicing and stabbing people when some bloody magic Dorothy-Tornado's me somewhere else."
Bazette, despite being fluent in English, could barely understand what he was saying. "What…? Who…? What?!"
"Eh, a clueless woman, isn't that something…" the man said dryly under his breath before addressing her directly. "Anyway, my name's Edward Elric, and I'm a Contextually Insensitive Magician extraordinaire!"
"That doesn't even begin to make sense!" Bazette exclaimed, her disappointment of not meting her childhood hero growing.
"Indeed. What class are you? Caster? Lancer? Berserker?" Kotomine asked.
"Well, I like to think that I can do all three in a pinch if that's what you're asking. Here, check this out. Magic!" With that, the man clapped his hands and pressed them to the ground, and a light erupted forth. The floor in a small circle condensed into a point, and the material formed into a spear which he pulled upward. "Biggity pow!" he exclaimed.
Kotomine gave a hum at the mildly impressive Alteration. "Lancer then. Well, I suppose now is as good a time as any."
"Time for wha-" Bazette began.
The woman then became very acutely aware that her left hand was no longer attached to her body. She had the briefest moment to scream before Kotomine's fist collided with her head and she passed out.
"Oy! That wasn't called for!" Edward protested. "I mean, yeah, she seemed like kind of a dopy mare, but you didn't have to cut her bleeding arm off."
"Such things are irrelevant." The priest replied, holding up the tattooed hand for all to see. "Now that I have her Command Seals, you must do what I tell you if you want to make your wish on the Holy Grail."
Edward rubbed his chin at this. "Eh, I guess you've point. It's no Philosopher's Stone but it'll do." He looked down at the unconscious woman. "So who was that broad anyway?"
"That was Bazette Fraga McRemitz, Enforcer for the Mage's Association."
"Really? You mean she's a magician too?"
Kotomine blinked. "Technically she is a magus. Why do you ask?"
Edward pointed at the body. "Are you going to eat that?"
The unnamed magus whose name is completely irrelevant blinked in confusion at what his summon brought forth. It looked to be some kind of oriental boy no older that 16 or 17. He wore blue pants and jacket along with a sort of inverted pyramid object on a chain around his neck. However, his most notable feature was his hair.
It was purple and stuck out in a sort of five pointed star a full foot away from his head. Furthermore, he also seemed to have blonde streaks going up each point, as well as more blonde croppings going down the right side of his face and off the left side of his head.
It was probably the most physically impossible thing the magus had even seen, and this was a guy that perverted the laws of nature for a living.
"What trickery is this?" The man growled. "You cannot possibly be a Servant."
"I should think not!" The boy replied in a surprisingly deep voice. "I'm a flipping Egyptian pharaoh for Ra's sake. I didn't rule an empire just so that I had to cater to someone else's whims. That's what numerous score of bitches were supposed to be doing for me."
The man started at him blankly. "You're clearly oriental."
"Reincarnation. Deal with it." The boy said as he looked around the Ryuudou Temple. "So, Who's ass do I have to kick this time? Is it Bakura? Because I swear, if you dragged me hear to deal with that limey-"
"What in the name of all that is holy are you talking about?" The man interrupted. "Who are you?"
"You're telling me you don't even recognize the King of Games? Best Duelist who ever lived? Master of Trading Cards?"
Frustrated by this inane babble, the magus exclaimed "Of course not! Trading cards are stupid!"
There was a moment of silence. Then, Yami Yugi raised his hand. "MIND CRUSH!"
The magus crumpled to the ground, his mind completely destroyed. Yami looked at the body for a moment before saying "I really need to stop doing that."
Luvia blinked in confusion at the sight of the boy suddenly materializing in front of her. He was wearing a black suit, had black hair with 3 white horizontal stripes on the right side, and yellow eyes. The woman certainly didn't expect to be chosen for the Grail War while so far away from Japan, but the Servant she summoned was even more surprising.
"Who are you?" Luvia asked uncertainly.
"You can call me Kid. Short for Death the Kid. Now that that's out of the way, pack your shit and let's get moving. I've got a lot of people to send to send my father's way, and I've got no time for foolishness."
"Wait, you can't seriously mean that you're the son of-"
"Damn it woman, I said get moving!" Kid yelled as he pulled up a pair of pistols (upside down) and started firing at her feet. Luvia screamed in surprise and ran to her bedroom to do as she was told.
If she knew then that she had gotten what was most likely the sanest Servant of the bunch, she probably would have given up right then at there.
The assorted Matous blinked in confusion at the sight of the summon. He looked to be boy in his late teens, wearing some kind of black school uniform. He had longish brown hair, purple eyes, and an expression of aloofness that seemed inherent in most teenagers. This is a Hero of Legend? They all thought.
"Yeah, I think I broke your door." The boy said.
"You, uh, were summoned." Zouken stated.
"Oh, I'm probably going to break it at some point." Was the reply. "By the way, this place smells like if $3 hooker ate some bad Chinese and couldn't find a toilet."
Sakura shifted uncomfortably at this, full well agreeing with the boy but knowing enough not to say anything.
"Really, this is the best you could do Sakura?" The eldest Matou asked. "How pitiful. I wonder if I should even bother handing it over to Shinji."
"Just who is this guy anyway?" Shinji asked.
"You can call me Lelouch." He peered at Shinji for a moment. "You know, you remind me of this other blued haired idiot I used to know. I'm going to call you Rivalz from now on."
"What? My name is-"
"Shut the hell up, Rivalz!" Lelouch screamed at him. Shinji flinched back at this, shrinking away from Servant. After a moment, Lelouch said. "Good. With that settled, I'm going to need a few things to win this war. First I'll need my own army high school student freedom fighters who are willing follow to guy dressed like anime Batman for poorly explained reasons. Next I'll need an immortal green haired chick that grants superpowers to people and is a terrible judge of character. After that…"
Sakura stopped listening at that point, as his requests only increased in absurdity. Normally she would be dismayed at summoning such a clearly insane Servant, but well… she got an oddly warm and fuzzy feeling when he treated Shinji like dirt.
Rin blinked in confusion at the sight of the man she summoned. Unlike most of the other magi participating in the war, she didn't have a particular hero in mind when she made her summon, but she was still caught off guard by how modern he looked. He was incredibly tall, and wore a large crimson overcoat that went down to his calves, and was matched by a crimson wide brim hat. There was a black suit under it and a pair of round, yellow tinted sunglasses on his face.
"Hmp." Rin grunted at the sight of the man. "You don't look like a Saber."
"And you don't look legal." The man replied in a deep bass. "Then again we are in Japan, so loli-hunting is probably a national pastime." He looked around. "Anyway, which way to my room? I trust that it comes with complementary TV, Internet and hookers."
Rin sputtered at the man's insolence. "Ho-how dare you be so vulgar!? I am your master and you will obey me!"
"Yeah, see I have thing about rules if other people are making them. People try to get me to follow them, some stuff happens in the middle, and it generally ends with them crying in a puddle of their own blood just before I eat them. So why don't you be a good little girl and make sure my hookers are the expensive kind."
Rin was, needless to say, livid. "I will not be spoken to in such a manner you insolent dog! If you don't apologize at once I will make you live in the basement with the rats you foul minded oaf!"
To her increasing anger, the man smiled at this (with some very pointy teeth). "Oh yes, now we're talking. Come on, give me your good stuff!"
The magus was about to oblige the infuriating man and lay into him some more, when she noticed something at waist level. More specifically, his waist level, and slightly lower.
Her scream of rage, frustration, and horror could be heard for several blocks.
Shirou blinked in confusion as the light in his workshop faded and he found someone else inside the shed. Well, someone other than the crazy, short guy in a red coat and with a British accent who had been trying to stab him with a spear until only a few second prior. Seriously, Shirou had no idea what was going on, but he was on the ground and bleeding at the moment, so he was grateful for any pause that would allow him to go a few more seconds without being perforated by metal.
The new person standing in the center of the workshop was a woman, though she was wearing some of the strangest armor he had ever seen. It was like some kind of futuristic plate mail, with numerous oversized parts, and what looked like to be a pair of wing-like objects floating behind her. Her helm covered the top half of her head, and she bore a massive sword in her right hand.
In a blur she moved, and in spite of the size of her weapon and armor she let loose a swing at the blonde man meant to cleave him in half. The man jumped back out of the shed just before the blow struck, but still not dodging the splinters that flew from the walls as she cut into them.
The woman then turned back to Shirou. She stood tall, a truly imposing and impressive sight for the young man to behold. Here before him was a vision of beauty and power, all encapsulated in a single moment. Then the woman spoke.
"So, you're the one my uterus is telling me to save?"
Annnd the moment was over.
Things got stupider from there.
A/N:Here's the list of parodied characters and who created them:
Mr. Popo, Nappa and Alucard are from Dragon Ball Z Abridged and Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, creations of Team Four Star.
Death the Kid and Lelouch ve Britainna are from Code Ment, creation of PurpleEyesWTF.
Edward Elric is from Nullmetal Alchemist, creation of Faulerro.
Chifuyu Orimura is from Infinite Ment, creation of Runawayturist.
And Yami Victor Yugi is from Yugioh The Abridged Series by LittleKuriboh.
This idea came from the madness of my own mind, and was facilitated by The Infamous Man.
Yeah, this is going to be an exercise in pure crack. In true 'ment' style, updates will be short, sweet, and incredibly stupid.