Chapter 6: Juliet

Damn it, Shawn Spencer, damn it! Look at what you have done to me. You've left me a crying mess. Why the hell did you do it? I am so bad that I haven't even been able to go back to work yet. Why didn't you tell us so we could have helped you?

You know you're being called a hero, don't you, because you sacrificed your life to save Gus'. But just like Gus, I would prefer you here. He misses you, Shawn, we all do, your dad, the Chief, McNab, Gus and his parents, even Lassiter.

I watch him; he hears a noise or a voice and he looks up and around looking for something, but when he doesn't finds it, you can see the disappointment in his face. I'm sure he's looking for you.

I know you want us all to be happy with smiles on our faces today, but I don't think I can. I can't find anything to smile about because you're not here. But I will tell you a secret; I was just about to give in. I was just about to say yes to you asking me out. I could have been there for you; all that time wasted because of my pride.

Thank you for this lovely dress which I'm wearing. It's the dress you had picked out for me, but why do you wanted me to wear such a beautiful white dress with rainbow circles on it, when I should be wearing black?

Oh, that's Lassiter beeping his horn. I think he blames himself for not stopping you in time. I know he knows that you took your own life, but it still feels like we could have done more to stop it.

There he is again on that bloody horn of his; I better get going before he starts banging on my door. Just one more thing, Shawn, I love you and I will always will.

Shawn's reply...

Damn ME, Julies? Look at what I have done to you? What about all the times you rejected me and I went home crying. What about them?

And as for why I did it, I did it for you, so you didn't have to watch me die a slow and painful death or watch the man you knew, disappear and leave just an empty shell behind. That's why I did it.

You will, you will be able to go back to work soon and as for telling you, I couldn't, I just couldn't. Sorry, Julies, but this was one thing I had to do alone.

A hero; me! Are you serious, Julies? Because I'm not! I was a coward, I took the easy way out, and I took my own life. That's not what a hero does. It was Gus; so of course I would save his life, why wouldn't I and I, too, wish I could still be here with you and the rest. You will miss me and for a long time, but it will get better and easier as time goes on.

Want to know a secret, Juliet. It is me. I am that noise or the breath of wind that's carrying my voice. I have noticed that you all look up when I do something, but it is only Lassiter who looks the longest for me. The disappointment in his face tells me that he really did care.

Of course I want you all to be happy today and every day, but I'm not expecting you to hide your true feelings either; I can't expect you to. Oh, you will, Jules, you will. Once you see the people and hear how they meet or got to know me, you'll find things to smile about, you will even laugh; trust me.

You, Juliet, you have a juicy little secret to tell me.

No, Juliet, that's not fair. How can you now, just now, tell me that I had won! That I had broken your defences and you were going to say yes to me, how could you? It could have stopped me; it could have been what I needed to hold on to, a reason to live. That's right; it all came down to your stupid pride. All that time we could have been together, wasted.

You look lovely in that dress, I'm so glad it fits you. Why a happy bubbly, white dress with rainbow circles on it instead of a miserable black one? You'll just have to wait and see.

Just as impatient as always, our Lassie.

I know that he blames himself for not stopping me in time, as well as not seeing what was going through my mind, but he will gradually understand why I did this. I wanted to die and no matter what he did, I would have still ended up dead, not then, but some time that night.

Yeah, you better get going, after all you don't need a hole through your front door. You love me, Juliet. You really do; don't you? I know you will always love me, and I will always be in your heart. And I will always love you, too.

The End

Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing.

Sequel is up. It's called A Surprise, Seven Eulogies and a Funeral