Title: Harry Potter, Unexpected Animagus
Author: DWDuck (Patrick Mallard)
Rating: M for crude language, even cruder humour, and sexual situations.
Summary: With the love of a good woman, Harry becomes more confident and learns to handle the embarrassment that comes from being a teenage boy as well as an unexpected animagus. Set during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Severe Ron bashing ahead.
Disclaimer: I am not now, nor have I ever been J K Rowling. Ms. Rowling, Scholastic Books, and Warner Brothers Movies own the rights to Harry Potter. I'm just borrowing their stuff without permission and not making any money from this story.
Author Notes: Many of you are wondering why I'm starting yet another story. The answer is quite simple – I can't get this bloody idea out of my head. Thinking of some of the scenes I've come up with for this story has left me chuckling to myself and my kids are starting to give me strange looks.
This story is quite AU. The main characters will be slightly OOC due to this being an adult comedy. Luna becomes friends with Harry and Hermione earlier than in cannon. Also, the dragons from the first task have been switched around (except for the Hungarian Horntail.)
Thoughts – [italics]
Parseltongue - .:bold italics:.
Wizard Wireless Broadcasts – bold
Hermione Granger watched her best friend, Harry Potter, pace back and forth in the large tent the Tri-Wizard champions were waiting in prior to the first task. She was watching him with a new appreciation after she had a talk with his godfather, Sirius Black, the night before. The old Marauder had been in one of his few responsible adult moods and had taken Hermione aside at the Shrieking Shack to talk about Harry. Sirius had shared his observations about Harry and how he was certain that Prongslet was madly in love with Hermione, but was just too chicken to tell her. She had walked back to the castle in a daze, a smile plastered on her face as she realized she felt the same way about the messy haired boy who had been her first and truest friend since their first year.
It was with those thoughts in mind that Hermione watched Harry walking back and forth in the tent, running his hands nervously through his already wild hair. She loved how he looked in his modified Quidditch uniform. His Tri-Wizard uniform was black with dark red panels showing off his Gryffindor pride. The name "Potter" was spelled out in white letters on his back. The fact that the new uniform was form fitting showed off his wiry body in ways that had the bushy haired girl thinking rather delicious, if somewhat – who was she kidding – really naughty thoughts.
The other Champions were dressed similarly with their names in white on the back of their uniforms. Cedric Diggory was the official Hogwarts Champion and was wearing a black uniform with yellow panels representing the Hufflepuff House. Fleur Delacour's uniform was black with blue panels the same color as the dresses the Beauxbatons girls wore the day they were introduced in the Hogwarts' Great Hall. For his part, Victor Krum was wearing an all black uniform.
When Hermione saw Ludo Bagman and Barty Crouch, Sr. enter the tent, she got up and stood in front of Harry, blocking his path. She held out her hand and put it on his chest, stopping him. "I have to leave soon," she told him.
"Where are you going?" Harry asked. He was secretly wishing she would be able to stay with him until it was his turn to face a dragon.
Hermione looked a little embarrassed. "Well, you know how I become a nervous wreck while waiting for important things, right?" she inquired. Harry nodded, a small smirk on his lips as he thought back to just about every test they had ever taken. "Snuffles decided I needed to help out the twins and him in a rather large prank to keep my mind off of things," she told him. "Once he explained how the prank was against the Ministry and State controlled media, I jumped at the chance," Hermione whispered.
Harry nodded in understanding. He knew that Hermione valued knowledge almost above all else. The only thing she held in higher regard was their friendship. When she had realized the Daily Prophet, under Ministry orders, had been giving out false knowledge on purpose, Hermione had gone into an hour-long rant.
"What are you guys planning?" Harry asked, always glad to watch a prank against those who truly deserved it.
Hermione glanced over at the Ministry officials who were doing something with a large, velvet bag. "I can't say here," she replied. "What I will do is promise to make a copy for you," she stated cryptically.
Hermione paused for a moment while she built up her courage to do something she had always dreamed about doing, but only recently really considered after her talk with Sirius. She placed one hand on either side of Harry's face and drew him in for a brief, chaste kiss on the lips. When their lips parted and she leaned back, she looked into his startling green eyes. She saw an equal measure of pure shock and happiness reflected in his emerald eyes. "I don't care if you take last place in this stupid tournament. All I want to see is you coming back to me, Harry," she ordered. Hermione turned around quickly and left the tent.
Harry was standing still, his right hand touching his mouth where Hermione's lips had been just a moment before. Eventually, Bagman's voice broke through his happy fog. It was obvious Bagman had been calling his name for a while. "Mr. Potter… Potter… will you please come over here so we can have the Champions draw for their dragons!"
Hermione took her seat in a special booth that had been set aside for the Black family. Each member of the Wizangamot had been assigned a luxury booth complete with a widescreen omniocular converter. Sirius had arranged for Hermione, the Weasley twins, Remus Lupin, and a certain large, black dog to use the Black family booth. Unlike a regular luxury booth, this booth was set up with magical equipment to broadcast a pirate Wizard Wireless channel. The twins nodded to Hermione while she fine-tuned the omniocular converter and put on a headset that looked like it would have been more appropriate on a WWII pilot. Hermione used the omnioculars to scan the crowd and was glad to see that many of them had brought portable Wizard Wireless boxes to hear the commentary. She had asked Doby to pass out flyers to all of the houses letting them know which channel to tune into to hear a real commentary, not the scripted stuff the Ministry approved.
Remus Lupin tapped his wand on the magical broadcast equipment and then held up his hand, fingers spread out. After one second, he would fold in a finger in let them know how soon they would go live. At zero seconds, he pointed to Fred with a grin on his face.
"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the inaugural broadcast of the PPBC. That's the Padfoot Pirate Broadcasting Chanel in case anyone is wondering. I'm George Weasley…" Fred said, continuing their practice of confusing people as to which twin was Fred and which one was George.
"…And I'm Fred Weasley," George chimed in. "With us today in the control booth is none other than the wickedly smart Hermione Granger to help us out with the technical points of today's task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament," he added. "Now, before we go any further, we have a word from our sponsor, Marauders Inc," he stated.
Fred shook a piece of parchment in front of his headset like he was getting ready to read something. "Snivellous Snape is a greasy haired, bum burglar. That is all," he said. The large black dog behind him snorted in amusement.
"We would like to take this opportunity to point out that neither us, the PPBC, nor the Marauders have anything against blokes who like the company of other blokes," George said.
"That's right," Fred agreed. "In fact, we're more than 90 percent certain that one of our brothers is in fact bent," he stated cheerfully.
Hermione was surprised to hear that. "Really, which one?!" she blurted out, not realizing her headset was on.
Fred smiled, glad Hermione set him up with that straight line. "The redheaded one of course," he replied. He chuckled along with his twin as Hermione rolled her eyes. His answer hadn't narrowed down things at all considering all of the Weasley children had red hair.
George took over again. "No, we have nothing against bent blokes. We just really don't like Snape and feel sorry for lumping anyone else in with him," he apologized.
Fred took over control of the omnioculars and zoomed in on their brother Ronald. "Speaking of backstabbing pillow biters, I see our brother Ron is in the stands today. It looks like he's still wearing his 'Potter Stinks' badge," he groused. "That berk wouldn't know a thing about either friendship or loyalty even if it was spelled out for him in a Babbity Rabbity book for beginner readers," he complained.
Fred was stopped from going on with a list of their youngest brother's shortcomings by a set of huge double doors on one side of the arena opening. Several dragon handlers levitated a sleeping dragon into the middle of the arena floor, complete with her nest. The dragon had a large, iron collar with four long chains hanging off it. The handlers magically bonded the free ends of the chains to the arena floor and then hurried back to the double doors which had started to close. The last handler paused briefly to throw a potion bottle at the sleeping dragon. The glass bottle broke, and purple fumes swirled around the dragon's nose. The horrible stench of the potion, which smelled remarkably like Snape's favorite cologne, woke up the heavily sedated dragon.
George swallowed loudly when he realized how much danger the Ministry was willing to put the Champions in just for sport. "Um… Hermione… I know that the thing down there is a dragon, but I was wondering if you could tell us what type," he requested.
Hermione flipped through a book in front of her and matched up the physical characteristics with the descriptions in the index. Considering the dragon was red, had a long serpent like body withy spindly legs, and was belching out flames in a mushroom like cloud, she easily identified the dragon. "According to 'Scalesniffer's Definitive Goblin Guide to Dragons', that monster down there is a Chinese Fireball," she replied.
"Scalesniffer…?" Fred choked out.
Hermione had read the introduction to the book and shuddered. "You don't want to know, trust me," she said. Noticing the still very curious looks the twins were giving her, Hermione sighed. "Let's just say that Goblins have rather unusual fetishes," she stated. "I'm fairly certain one of those fetishes was responsible for our school motto," she added.
Fred recited the school motto, turning slightly green when he thought about it. "Never tickle a sleeping dragon…" he muttered.
"…That's just… sick," George finished his twin's thought, shaking his head in disgust.
Hermione focused the omnioculars on the dragon's nest and saw that nestled in with the gold speckled, crimson eggs was a solid gold egg. "I think I figured out what the first task is," she told the twins and through her headset, a great portion of the Hogwarts student body. "The bastar… uh… the Ministry folks running this mockery of… I mean wonderful tournament have added an extra egg to the nest. I wouldn't be surprised at all if the victims… er, I mean Champions… have to recover the egg in some way," she explained, making it clear that her verbal slip-ups were anything but.
"What?!" the twins shouted in unison.
"Everyone knows you leave nesting dragons alone if you value your life," Fred stated.
"Even our brother Charlie, the world-renowned dragon handler, won't go near a nesting dragon without another four handlers to back him up," George added. "Personally, I think he took the job to impress the ladies," he joked. "Oops… I guess I just narrowed down the list of which of our brothers plays with other guys' wands," he joked.
Fred laughed. "That you did my dear brother," he agreed. "Now as long as you don't tell her Bill is a notorious ladies man, Hermione will never guess which one it is," he said, winking at Hermione. A short, bark that sounded suspiciously like a laugh came from the large black dog behind them. Fred turned and saw Remus was trying hard not to laugh as well. His attention was brought back to the arena when his brother slapped his arm. Fred looked down onto the floor. "Well, it looks like the lovely Fleur Delacour will be the first one to face a dragon today," he announced.
"Uh-oh, it looks like the Chinese Fireball has already spotted her and is living up to its name," George said. "Delacour barely managed to dodge that blast. Lucky for her she managed to duck behind one of the boulders before she got fried," he stated.
"I swear, if either of you jokers makes a French fry reference, I'm tossing both of you over the railing," Hermione promised. The twin looked at each other, clearly confused since they had never eaten at a Muggle fast food place. They just shrugged their shoulders and went back to describing the action.
Fleur ducked her head around the boulder and quickly drew it back as another fireball exploded around the boulder. She desperately looked around for something to help her. Taking careful aim, she transfigured a small rock into a French Poodle, hoping the animal might distract the dragon. The dog ran out from behind the boulder and was instantly bathed in a fireball. Instead of dying on the spot, the four-legged torch ran back to huddle behind the boulder where it started from. The burning fur caught Fleur's robes on fire before the poodle transformed back into a rock.
Hermione was quickly jotting notes with a conjured quill while she used the omniocular's sound enhancement to listen to what Fleur was saying. The twins stared at her, waiting for her to explain what she was doing. Hermione saw them out of the corner of her eye and blushed a bit. "I learned French in primary school and the words and phrases Miss Delacour is using are definitely not one you want young children to learn," she explained. Her parents often took her to France for vacations, and she was planning on using at least three of those new phrases on the beach whenever some old pervert stopped to stare at her and her mum on the topless beaches.
Fleur shouted an angry Aguamenti spell and doused her smoldering robes with water. She fumed for a moment longer and then smacked her forehead with her palm. She tapped her robes with her wand, transfiguring them before calmly stepping out from behind the boulder. The dragon, like all of its kind, had excellent eyesight. It took one look at the French Champion and was clearly conflicted. Even those who weren't dragon behavior experts could tell that something was up. It looked like the dragon was torn between attacking the young woman and trying to stand very, very still, hoping the new threat wouldn't notice it.
"Huh?!" the twins said in unison, never having even heard of a dragon acting like that before.
"Whatever she did had to do with transfiguring her robes," Hermione stated. She zoomed in on Fleur and then zoomed in even further when she noticed a nametag on the girl's chest. Hermione started laughing and chortled, "That explains it."
"Explains what?" Fred asked.
Hermione zoomed in once more so the very impressive bust of one Fleur Delacour filled up their widescreen, omniocular converter. Unlike a Muggle widescreen, this one was in perfect 3D.
"Heh… heh… boobies!" the twins exclaimed, mesmerized.
"Bouncing bazooms…" Fred said.
"Wonderful wobbling waboes…" George stated.
"Glorious Sweater Meat Mountains…" Fred added.
Hermione cleared her throat loudly, interrupting the verbal tennis match. "Honestly, you would think you two were twelve years old," she scolded the twins. "It's not her breasts, it's the nametag," she sighed.
"What nametag?" Fred asked, not ever noticing it due to his attention being consumed elsewhere. Hermione sighed again and zoomed in so the nametag was the only thing visible on the screen. It read, "Fleur Delacour, Jehovah's Witness."
"Ooooooh…" the twins exclaimed, and then watched as Fleur walked right up to the nest while the dragon did what every sentient or near-sentient creature instinctively knew to do when confronted with a Jehovah's Witness. The dragon did its very best to pretend it wasn't home. Fleur picked up the golden egg, blew a kiss to the crowd, and skipped off back to the Champion's entrance.
While the dragon handlers subdued the Chinese Fireball, the PPBC commentators went back to talking to their audience. "While the dragon handlers prep the arena for the next dragon, we at the PPBC have a public service announcement paid for by Marauders, Inc," George said. He took in a deep breath as if he were planning on talking about an uncomfortable subject. "Every year scores of children in the wizarding world are victims of unwanted, and rather painful sexual assaults," he said somberly.
"That's true, and what most people don't know is that almost all of those attacks happen to young boys in their first and second years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft of Wizardry," Fred said, chiming in on the topic.
"We're not naming names, but for your children's safety, please talk to them about how unwise it is to have their backsides pointed towards a certain potions teacher at the school," George stated. This caused another laugh like bark while Remus had to put his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing loud enough to be heard over the others' headsets.
"It looks like the dragon handlers are bringing in the next dragon, and this time we don't need a kinky dragon guide to tell us what it is," Fred said.
"That's right, George," George agreed. "That green beastie down there is quite obviously a Common Welsh Green," he pronounced.
Hermione harrumphed while she flipped through the book to the right page. "It might be a common dragon, but that doesn't mean that it isn't dangerous," she stated. "It says right here that even though the Welsh Green is a common dragon, it's still one of the more deadly ones," Hermione paraphrased. "The Welsh Green has special cheek muscles that compress their flame breath into a narrow cone causing them to be deadly at a much greater distance compared to other dragons," she read from the book. "The action is similar to how a human focuses their breath when trying to blow out a candle," she said.
"That is scary," George conceded.
"That's right," Fred said, picking up the thought trail his brother offered. "The last thing I would want is to be blown by a dragon," he said innocently.
Before Hermione could cuff him across the back of the head, the Champion's door opened and Cedric Diggory walked in. As soon as he was through the door, Cedric dove into a roll and came up with his wand pointed at the dragon's head. He put both hands on his wand, willing all of his magical strength behind the pink hued curse that blasted the dragon in the face.
Both twins covered their faces with their palms in disgust. Not really caring that Cedric couldn't hear him, George commented directly at the Champion. "A conjunctivitis curse?! You bloody idiot!" he swore. "The dragon's Welsh you moron! It's probably used to having a bad case of pinkeye," he stated, shaking his head. "Even if it can't see, it can still hear really, really well," he moaned in embarrassment at how the official Hogwarts Champion started things out.
"I think he might have planned on that," Hermione said, interrupting George's tirade. "He's transfiguring one of the smaller rocks into something," she pointed out. Adjusting the omnioculars, she saw the rock transform into a small, blonde pixie. Cedric's hand shot out and grabbed the pixie. He held the squirming creature over his head and shook the poor thing violently. Glittering, gold pixie dust fell from the pixie, covering Cedric. He tossed the pixie aside when he floated a few inches off of the ground.
"Oh, I get it now," Fred said. "Since he won't be touching the ground, no footsteps to give him away," he explained.
"That might be fine and good from a distance, but as soon as he gets close the dragon will be able to hear his breathing and even his heartbeat," George pointed out.
Fred thought for a moment and then nudged Hermione when he saw Cedric performing a complicated wand movement with the wand pointed at himself. She turned up the volume so they could hear the incantation. "Sanguinium Homoeroticus," Cedric incanted. The Champion's skin paled significantly and the tips of fangs could be seen protruding from under his upper lip.
Hermione grabbed a different book and was rapidly flipping pages to figure out what spell Cedric had used. "He just used a very old Greek spell that turns the caster into a vampire," she called out. "I wonder where he learned that spell?" she asked.
Fred shrugged his shoulders. "Well, he is dating that Ravenclaw, Cho Chang," he said. "Even money the girl's a vampire groupie," he offered. To prove his point, he scanned the crowd with the omnioculars and then zoomed in on Cho. She had a dreamy, hungry expression on her face as she watched her boyfriend transform into the living dead.
George shook his head sadly. "On behalf of the PPBC, I would like to give an impromptu public service announcement for Cho Chang and girls like her," he said. "One thing you girls might want to think about is a vampire's lack of a heartbeat," he stated. "No heartbeat means no blood flow. No blood flow means that blood can't be directed to a certain part to satisfy your carnal cravings in regards to the vampire," he explained.
Fred took over the public service announcement. "That's right ladies. Your perfect vampire lover will be forever limp like one of the Malfoy males in a topless bar," he stated.
They watched as the glittering undead floated towards the nest. Cedric gingerly picked up the Golden Egg mixed in with the brown eggs. He had almost floated away before a twitch of the dragon's tail brought that huge appendage into contact with Cedric. Both twins leaned back in their chairs and grimaced when they saw the impact.
"Even if Cho somehow managed to know how to get a certain part of Cedric to rise from the grave, I don't think that will be possible for quite a while," George said, his voice sounding pained.
"Not after taking a dragon tail right in the Quaffles it won't," Fred agreed. "Lucky for him that Madame Pomfrey has plenty of potions for just such an injury," he added. Fred saw Hermione raise a questioning eyebrow. "Quidditch is a contact sport played with a broom between your legs. Accident happen," he explained.
The dragon handlers were taking out the Welsh Green through one entrance while the Medi-witches were pulling a still floating Cedric out through the other. Cedric was curled up in a ball around his egg. A close-up showed his eyes were crossed and tears were sliding down his cheeks.
Hermione was still thinking about what Fred had said about Quidditch. She had recently decided on making sure Harry knew how much she loved him and that she would be his forever. Quite frankly, she was worried that after three years of Quidditch, his equipment might not be in working order. "Er… um… how often do those accidents happen to the Gryffindor team?" she asked, not sure she wanted to know. Again, she forgot the headsets were on and broadcasting to the Wizarding world.
George thought for a moment and then shrugged. "About as often as most teams I would guess. Just about all of us have had to go to the hospital wing for a ruptured nut at least four or five times a season," he stated, wincing at the memory.
"Harry is the only bloke we know who has never lost one for the team," Fred added. "Still can't figure that one out, all things considered," he muttered.
"What do you mean?" Hermione asked.
For once, both twins blushed when they realized what they were about to explain to the girl they thought was destined for their friend and teammate, Harry Potter. "Um… well you see…" Fred stammered.
"Harry's a bloody Parselcrotch!" George blurted out. "We nearly ran screaming from the shower after Harry's first game, and he was only 11!" he admitted. "I have no idea how he manages to balance on a broom with that bloody python between his legs," he muttered.
"To put it another way, where most blokes are packing wands, Harry packs a wizard's staff," Fred told Hermione. He turned around in his seat and saw the slack jawed, shocked expressions on both Remus and Snuffles. The sight of the magical broadcasting equipment behind Remus made Fred frown. "We're still live, aren't we?" he inquired. Both the huge dog and Remus nodded in sync. "Shhhhhiiiit…" Fred whispered, drawing out the word. "Harry's going to kill us," he moaned.
Hermione was blushing a deep crimson, almost managing to approximate a Weasley blush. She sighed in relief when the dragon handlers brought in the next nesting dragon. The dragon in question was odd on many levels. For one thing, it was only about three times the size of an average man. For another, it only had four limbs where most dragons had six. The forelegs and wings were combined in this weird specimen. Hermione opened up the Scalesniffer Guide and quickly found the dragon in question. "That's a Swedish Short-snout," she told the twins and their listening audience. "This rare dragon is considered one of the deadliest varieties due to its amazing agility and its ultra-high temperature flames. The flames glow blue they are so hot, and are able to turn a body into ash in less than two seconds," she read. Hermione closed her eyes as she both searched for the right memory and then did the conversions. "That's over 900 degrees Celsius," she told them.
"Lucky the last two Champions are both Seekers," George commented. "They're going to need all of those trained reflexes to survive this beast," he said. "Speaking of Seekers, it looks like Victor Krum is entering the arena," he stated. "Hey Ron, try not to rub one off in public while your man-crush is on the floor," he teased, knowing his brother didn't have a portable Wizard Wireless set.
As soon as Krum was through the doors, he plotted out his path to a boulder about 50 meters away. It was close enough to run to, but far enough away to not be a Champion's first choice for cover. He ran from boulder to boulder, dodging the blue flames easily. When he reached his destination, he pushed a small rock near the base of the boulder away, revealing a small hole. He reached in and pulled out a dark green bottle. Krum pointed his wand at the small rock, transfiguring it into a large, fat rabbit. He uncorked the bottle and poured the thick liquid over the rabbit. When the bottle was empty, he grabbed the rabbit and tossed it as far as he could in the dragon's direction. The dragon lunged to end of its chains, managing to catch the tasty morsel in mid-air.
"He… he… cheated!" Hermione fumed.
Fred looked around the control booth. "Anyone here other than Hermione who is surprised that Durmstrang cheated raise your hand or paw," he ordered. He wasn't surprised to see that everyone kept the hands (or paws) down. Fred turned back around to watch the arena floor. "I wonder what the potion did?" he asked no one in particular.
The Padfoot Pirate crew zoomed in on the dragon, looking for any sign of change. Hermione was the first to see the difference. She pointed to the screen, getting the twins' attention. "I'm not an expert on dragon biology by any means, but I'm pretty certain female dragons don't have one of those," she said. "Krum must have covered that poor rabbit with a sex change potion," she guessed. Hermione started to chuckle when she remembered watching a certain cartoon rabbit with transvestite tendencies on the tele when she was little. She waved off the questioning glances from the twins.
Regaining her composure, Hermione tapped her chin thoughtfully. "That's actually not that bad of an idea," she mused. "A male dragon would be far less interested in protecting a nest than a female one would," she stated.
"That still leaves a pissed off male dragon chained over the nest," Fred pointed out.
As if he could hear them, Krum centered himself and drew on his magic reserves. He cast an over powered spell on the dragon which quickly stopped roaring in anger. Krum followed up by blasting the chains away with four quick Reducto spells. He waited for the no longer angry, male dragon to wander away from the nest so he could claim his prize. The Durmstrang Champion wasn't prepared for the dragon to give him an appraising glance, and then rush him using all of its tremendous speed. What happened next caused most of the spectators to seek out Obliviators to remove the traumatic memory from their minds.
Fred looked away from the horrible scene below him. "Someone put that poor bastard out of his misery!" he demanded.
George reached out to his twin, he was so disturbed by what he saw. "Hold me, Fred," he begged, his voice trembling. George was so shaken by what he saw, he didn't even try to pull their usual name game.
Hermione turned to look at the omniocular converter screen and used the controls to rewind the action so she could figure out what had happened to make things go so horribly wrong for Krum. She zoomed in on Krum's wand motions as he cast the last spell. She paused the action right after Krum sent the spell. "Yep, that would do it alright," she commented. She nudged the trembling twins and pointed towards the screen. "Watch his wand work, and tell me what you see," she ordered, rewinding the recording to the beginning of Krum's spell. After she had played the clip, she tried not to smirk. Krum had brought this on himself after all. "Did you guys recognize that spell?" she inquired.
George nodded, a confused look on his face. "That looked like a simple Cheering Charm," he replied.
Hermione shook her head to tell him it wasn't a Cheering Charm. "Krum must have buckled under the pressure a bit because instead of ending with a definite flick, he used a large swish at the end," she pointed out. The twins' eyes widen as they realized what that meant. "That's right, boys. Krum managed to shift the charm from Cheering to Gay," she chuckled, confident Karma had come back to bite Krum in the ass. Well, perhaps not exactly bite, but it still involved Krum's ass.
The twins looked back down into the arena and had the unfortunate luck of having the dragon looking directly up at them. For the rest of their lives, Fred and George could say they knew what a Swedish Short-snout's "O-face" looked like. When the dragon was finally finished, it let go of Krum and took flight into the overcast sky.
Krum managed to stand and turned to face the nest. With a strange, awkward, stiff-legged limp, the Bulgarian Keeper made his way painfully to the nest to recover the Golden Egg. Medi-witches took pity on him and levitated Krum out on a stretcher after he claimed his prize.
Finally over the shock of watching a man be buggered by a dragon, the twins smiled at each other. Even the horrible act they witnessed couldn't suppress their antics for long. "You know, George…" George started to say. "I suppose you could say the dragon ended up getting Krum in the end," he said with a straight face.
Not be out done, Fred said, "You're absolutely right, brother of mine. It could also be said that Krum led the battle at first, but the dragon came from behind to dominate the encounter."
George was about to say something else, but Hermione stopped him with a hand over his mouth. "Stop it you two," she ordered. "Harry's up next," she reminded them.
There was a collective gasp as the dragon handlers led the last dragon into the arena. Fred rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't seeing things. "Merlin's saggy balls! What hell did they drag that monster out of?!" he exclaimed. The dragon on the arena floor was easily twice as big as any of the other dragons they had seen. It was jet black except for the bronze horns ringing its head, and the large, bronze spikes protruding from the end of its tail. The creature looked so fearsome many imagined even its poop could out fight a squadron of battle mages.
George looked over at Hermione and saw she was petrified with fright for her Harry. He eased the dragon guide out of her hands and looked up the fierce looking dragon below them. He swallowed hard before showing the relevant chapter to his brother. The dragon was called a Hungarian Horn-tail. The only things written about the creature, other than its description, were the words, "Run… fast!"
Hermione let out a frightened "eep" as Harry entered the arena. He took one look at the dragon, and dove for the cover of a nearby boulder. He didn't even try to peek around the only cover he had as he drew his wand. Pointing it in the general direction of Hogwarts, he said clearly, "Accio Firebolt!"
While Harry was waiting for his trusty broom to arrive, Theodore Nott put his very Slytherin plan into action. He knew the remaining Death Eaters would reward him greatly if he managed to get rid of the-boy-who-refused-to-die. The fact that he would be able to shift all of the blame to a person not even in his House made his plans all the sweeter. Everyone knew that the rejects in Hufflepuff House had an axe to grind with Potter now that he was poised to steal their Champion's thunder. As it so happened, a Hufflepuff student with a prominent family had ring side seats to watch the Tournament. Nott activated his delayed reaction Imperious Curse, and watched as Susan Bones did whatever she could to distract Harry Potter, giving the dragon an opportunity to end the Gryffindor Golden boy once and for all.
Harry sensed movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head and saw Susan Bones jumping up and down to get his attention. When their eyes met, Susan opened her robes, lifted up her shirt, and flashed her very impressive breasts at him. Harry reacted the way any straight, teenage boy would. He stared at Susan's breasts thinking, "Heh… heh… boobies!" Unfortunately for Harry, his broom chose that moment to come rocketing from the castle at his call. The handle of the broom made a loud cracking noise as it struck the side of his head, leaving a small gash. Harry was so angry at both the pain and his own ability to be distracted that he started swearing in Parseltongue. .:Son of a fucking Malfoy:. he swore.
.:Language, hatchling!:. the dragon hissed at him.
Surprise gripped both combatants on the arena floor. Harry poked his head around the boulder to look at the dragon who was staring back at him. .:You can talk?!:. they asked in unison.
Harry was the first to answer. .:I'm a Parselmouth:. he replied. .:I didn't know dragons spoke the language of serpents:. he said.
The dragon chuckled, letting a bit of flame curl up around her snout. .:Most can't, young Speaker:. she replied. .:I'm bi-lingual. I dated a Runespoor when I was much younger:. she explained. The dragon suddenly remembered where they were, and growled deep in her throat. .:I'm going to feel bad about killing you, Speaker, but I won't let you threaten my eggs:. she told him firmly.
Harry swallowed hard, but didn't retreat back behind the boulder. Instead, he stepped out, opening up himself for a flame attack. .:The humans who brought you here tricked you and put a fake egg in your nest hoping you would protect it like it was your own:. he told her. The dragon rolled her eyes, very much like Hermione, letting him know exactly how full of hippogriff dung she thought he was. Hoping he was on the right path, Harry went on. .:I'm telling you the truth. How many eggs did you lay?:. he asked.
.:Five:. the dragon answered tersely.
Harry did a quick count of the eggs in the nest and then sighed in relief. .:You're sitting on six eggs:. he pointed out.
The dragon craned its long neck and looked underneath her large body. After counting twice to make sure, she looked back up at Harry. .:Well, this is embarrassing:. she joked. She lifted one of her large wings covering the Golden Egg. .:The egg is yours, young Speaker:. she said warmly.
Harry bowed low to the dragon and made his way to her nest. As he approached, the scent of his blood floated on the breeze to the ancient dragon. This Speaker has a very strange blood smell, she thought. Her long, forked tongue flicked out and tasted the air that had the blood scent on it. Mother Tiamat! The hatchling has traces of basilisk venom and phoenix tears in his blood, she realized. I can also smell the seeds of animagus magic inside of him, she told herself. A happy thought crept across her mind as she remembered the last wizard who had such traces in his blood. One of her ancestors had run into that wizard and had added her own blood to the mixture, forcing an animagus transfer on the boy. The decision turned out to be the correct one. Myrddin Emrys went on to become one of Dragonkind's greatest allies.
While harry slowly picked up the Golden Egg so as to not anger the dragon, said dragon silently dragged one of her tail spikes across her rump, drawing blood. She dipped the spike in the blood again, and waited for Harry to step away from her. As Harry did so, the dragon lowered her head to look him in the eye. .:Just so you know, Speaker, you'll thank me for this later:. she told him.
Harry was about to ask what she meant when she whipped her tail around, driving the blood-soaked spike through his shoulder. He managed to look down at the foot or so of dragon spike sticking out of his chest, mutter a quick, "Bugger!", and then passed out from the pain.