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I Should Go copyright 2013 nikkipattinson
I Should Go
I had been living in Chicago for several years. I'd graduated from Northwestern and gotten a job at a law firm in Chicago. I'd never really felt the urge or pull to go back to Washington, much less the sleepy, little town from which I hailed.
Don't get me wrong. I didn't stay completely away from Forks. I went home for most holidays. During undergrad and most of law school, I went home every Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Fourth of July. Then I met Tanya and the visits became less frequent. We'd spend every other Christmas and Thanksgiving with her family. The July Fourth visits ceased completely. We usually had a small get together with friends instead.
I had made a life for myself in Chicago with Tanya. We lived in an apartment in one of the better areas. We were both successful in our fields. We had money and friends. I was happy. I thought that she was too. I guess that's why the cheating completely blindsided me. I would never have done it and I had just assumed that she felt the same. I thought that she loved me as much as I loved her.
I was wrong.
I can still see the image of another man's ass in my bed... driving into my girlfriend. I can still see the shocked expression on Tanya's face and the satisfied smirk on his. I don't even know how I managed to turn and walk back out of the apartment. I don't know how I ended up at that bar. Everything is a blur except that image of his ass.
I hope that I had a cab take me to that hotel where I awoke the next morning. Considering that my car wasn't in the parking lot and I had to ask the front desk if they knew where I had been before I checked in, I can only assume that the bartender helped a brother out.
The concierge called another cab that took me back to the bar. I called in sick at the office and reluctantly returned to my apartment. I unlocked the door and walked inside to find Tanya waiting for me. She stood as I entered. I held up one hand indicating that I didn't want her to say anything yet. I walked into our bedroom and jerked the comforter and sheets from the bed. I returned to the living room and entered the kitchen, dragging the bed linens behind me. I took the scissors out of the drawer by the bar and began systematically ripping the sheets into shreds.
"Edward?" she said. I looked up and shot daggers at her with my eyes. I shook my head and indicated with the scissors that she should sit down again. She sat on the couch and hung her head.
I finished the sheets and pillowcases and was starting on the comforter when she said, "That's a rather expense comforter, Edward."
I stared at her for maybe a minute and then I plunged the scissors into the fabric. Cloth and quilting littered the kitchen floor. I could hear Tanya crying. I couldn't figure out why she was crying. I was the one in pain here.
The last of the comforter fell to the floor and I looked up at her. "Why are you crying?" I asked. I noticed that my voice sounded flat and dull.
"I'm so sorry," she wailed.
"For what? For fucking another man in our bed or for getting caught fucking another man in our bed? Which is it, Tanya? Are you sorry that you did it or just that you got caught?"
"I'm so sorry for all of it," she said as she stood. She walked toward me and I took a step back. "I love you, Edward. I'm so sorry. I don't..."
"Don't say that," I screamed. My anger had finally gotten the best of my self-control. "Don't you dare say that you love me. You were fucking another man in our bed. That's not love, Tanya. That's... that's... I don't know what that is. What the fuck? Why?" I pushed past her and went back to the bedroom.
I picked the mattress up off the bed. Looking back, I think that the adrenaline had taken over by then. That's the only way that I can explain my ability to pick up the mattress and push it through the apartment to the front door unassisted.
"What are you doing?" she asked as she scurried along behind me.
"This can't stay here," I muttered as I pushed the mattress out the front door and propped it against the wall by the garbage chute.
"You can't leave that there," she said.
"Watch me," I said as I went back into the apartment. I slammed the door as I entered. Tanya barely caught it before it could hit her in the face.
"Will you please calm down and listen to me?" she screamed.
"You have no right to ask me to do anything, anymore, little girl," I said in warning.
"Edward, please, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did it. He just made me feel so special... pretty."
I turned on her. "I didn't do those things for you? I didn't make you feel wanted... loved?"
"Well... yes, but..."
"What? What 'but', Tanya?"
"You work a lot and you sometimes have to cancel our plans and I sometimes feel like you take me for granted."
I stared at her in disbelief. "Those are issues that a couple would talk about and resolve. Those are not excuses to fuck another man in our bed."
She reached out and touched my arm. I recoiled in disgust. "No. You don't get to touch me. Sit down," I ordered.
"I'm not some child that you can order around," she yelled.
I leaned in and looked her directly in the eyes. "Sit down," I said through gritted teeth. She obediently sat on the edge of the couch.
I began pacing the room. I pulled at my hair. I lost the fight with the tears. I could feel them coursing, warm, down my face. I walked to the far wall by the balcony and punched a hole in it.
Tanya stood. "Sit down!" I screamed. She sat.
"You're bleeding," she whimpered.
"Why are you crying?" I asked again.
"Well, you're kind of scaring me," she said as she curled into a ball on the couch.
"Have I ever hit you before?" She shook her head. "Have I ever laid a hand on you in anger or done anything to make you think that I ever would?" She shook her head again. "Then what are you afraid that I will do?"
"I'm afraid that you'll leave me," she whispered.
I knelt down beside the couch so that I could look her in the eyes. "Sweetheart, I left you when I walked out the front door last night. I'm just here now to make sure that you get the hell out of my apartment and my life."
Her mouth fell open in surprise. "You want me to leave?"
I stood and walked back to the bedroom. I yanked open the closet door and began throwing her things onto the box springs of what used to be our bed.
"What are you doing?" I ignored her and continued throwing her things out of my closet. I went to the chest of drawers next and began throwing those things onto the growing pile. I got to her lingerie drawer and paused. There were things in there that I had never seen before.
I pulled a red lace top from the drawer and held it up to her. "Did he buy you this? Did you wear it for him? Did he like it?" I threw it on the pile before she could answer. I found the matching panties and tossed them at her feet.
She looked down at them and then back up at me. "You're being cruel," she mumbled.
"No," I said as I turned back to the business of tossing her things out of my chest of drawers. "Cruel would be pushing you out the door and tossing your shit off the balcony for you to pick up off the lawn. I'm giving you the opportunity to pack it all up and get the hell out."
She started snatching articles of clothing off the bed and that was when I noticed that she was wearing only a robe and her slippers. She stepped into a pair of panties, not the ones I had thrown at her feet, and then a pair of slacks before removing the robe to show her bare breasts. She saw me glance at her tits and smiled.
She took a step toward me and I glared. She smiled and pushed out her chest. "You always did love my body," she purred.
I bent down and picked up the top that she had dropped on the floor. I shoved it at her. "I loved my girlfriend who I thought would never betray my trust. The body was just pretty packaging. I thought that the person underneath it all was a decent human being. I was wrong. That pretty exterior hid a manipulative whore."
She slapped me and I smiled. "If you touch me again, in any way, I'll have you arrested for assault. This would be considered a domestic dispute so you would be placed in a cell for a mandatory twenty-four hour hold."
"You wouldn't dare," she sneered.
"Try me," I replied. "Put on some clothes. You look pathetic. Start packing this shit. I want you out of here today."
"You can't just throw me out. This is my apartment too."
"Actually, if you check the lease, my name appears on the paperwork and my name only. All of the utilities are in my name and every check written to cover the rent and those said utilities was written on my account. Legally, you were just an extended stay house guest."
"But... but... where will I go?" she whined.
"Not really my problem," I said as I left the room. "Why don't you call the fucker whose ass I saw last night? Maybe he'll let you crash with him. At this point in time, I really don't give a flying fuck what happens to you."
I went into the living room and sat on the couch. I wondered briefly if I would need to throw out the couch as well, but then decided to not think about it again. I turned on the television and started flipping through the channels. I could hear Tanya in the bedroom crying and talking, but I didn't hear packing.
"You had better be packing all that up. You've got until four o'clock to be out," I yelled. I figured six hours was plenty of time to exit my life.
Tanya came out of the bedroom and glared at me with her hands on her hips. "You want to know why I did it, Edward?" she sneered. "I did it because you are a colossal disappointment. What's it been... five years since you graduated law school? You are still just an associate. You're barely more than a paralegal. You're a glorified gopher.
"We've been together for six years. Six years, Edward! Where's my ring? We should be married by now. I'm tired of waiting for you to decide that it's the right time.
"And don't get me started about our sex life. Better yet, let's start. You suck! You are the worst lay I've ever had. It's the same thing every time. Same positions. Same moves. Same time limit. You're like a robot."
She turned and stomped back to the bedroom. I shrugged and went back to watching television. Suddenly, she appeared in the doorway again and said, "And you have a small dick!"
"Well in comparison to the size of the hole it was going into, I guess you would consider it small. There's not much you can do when you're throwing a pickle down a cavern. Trust me when I tell you that I didn't feel much either."
"Oh my God!" she screamed.
"I've changed my mind. You have until two. Better get to packing, you used up whore." I had turned back to the TV, so I didn't see the pillow that was hurled at my head before it hit me. I picked it up from the floor and placed it beside me on the couch. "I'm warning you, Tanya, if you hit me again, I will have you arrested."
"I hate you!" she screamed as she went back to the bedroom.
"Fine line, baby, fine line," I muttered.
A few minutes later there was a knock at the door. I stood and went to answer it. I opened the door and Tanya's sister, Irina, pushed past me. She stomped through the apartment to the bedroom. "Sure, Irina, you can come in. It's just my home you're invading." I turned to close the door and noticed that Tanya's best friend was still standing outside. "Kate," I said.
"Hi, Edward. What a mess, huh?"
"You could say that. Did she call in reinforcements?" Kate nodded. "Well, you might as well come in." I opened the door wider and welcomed Kate inside.
I closed the door behind her. When I turned around Kate was still standing there, staring at me. "I didn't know, Edward, I promise. This is just awful. I can't believe that she'd do this. Are you okay?"
I licked my lips and stared at the floor. Kate was the first person to ask if I was alright. I figured that she wouldn't be the last. I thought about my answer for a minute. "No," I finally said. "I'm barely holding it together. I never in a million years thought that this would happen. I can't even wrap my mind around it. Why would she do this to me... to us?"
"I don't know, Edward. People have different reasons for being unfaithful. None of them make any sense to the person who was betrayed. You may never get her to admit that she did something wrong. Cheaters always try to justify their actions. I personally think that there is no justification. What she's done is just wrong. I don't blame you for kicking her out."
I nod. "Thanks. You better get back there. She's really upset."
"Do you care?" she asked with a smirk.
"I don't want to, but a small part of me still cares for her. It's not a large enough piece to block out the image of that fucker's ass though."
"I'm sure that Tanya will explain. She has until two to be gone. You guys better hurry."
A couple of hours later, Irina began wheeling luggage out of the back of the apartment and into the living room. "What in the hell do you think that you're doing?" I asked.
"Fuck off," she replied as she went back to the bedroom.
I got up and looked down at my luggage, a graduation gift from my parents. I unzipped the small carry-on and dumped the contents onto the floor. I moved to the next piece and did the same.
"What are you doing?" Irina said as she came out with more of my luggage in her hands.
"This," I said as I pointed at the Samsonite suitcase that was sitting beside my front door, "is my luggage. She isn't leaving here with any of my things. You'll have to find another way to pack all of this. You have about an hour left."
Irina smirked. "From what I understand, she'll be leaving with a few of your things. Your pride and your masculinity are pretty much in her purse, right?"
I smiled. "There are garbage bags under the sink. She can use those. You know, use a trash bag to get rid of the trash." I opened the final suitcase and dumped it out as well.
"You're a bastard," Tanya said from the doorway.
"Better a bastard than a whore." I saw Kate avert her eyes. Maybe I was being a little too cruel, but, damn it, I was mad. A small part of me thought about apologizing, but then I remembered what I had seen the night before and even that small part changed its tune.
I went into the kitchen and took out a handful of garbage bags. I thrust them at Irina. "Pack," I ordered as I pointed to the pile of things on the floor.
It was a few minutes after two when Kate and Irina walked out with the last of Tanya's things. Irina glared at me every time that she walked past, but Kate always looked at me with what I could only describe as sympathy. Finally, Tanya emerged with her purse and a cosmetics case in her arms. I could tell that she had been crying. I almost cared.
"I'll be at Irina's," she said.
"Don't really care," I replied as I kept staring at the television.
She continued to stand there and look at me until I finally turned my head in her direction. "Do you feel nothing for me?" she asked.
My eyes dropped to the floor as I thought of how I wanted to answer her. "I would have done anything for you, Tanya. I loved you. I would never have cheated on you and I don't understand how you could do this to me. I'm sorry that I wasn't enough, but that doesn't give you an excuse to fuck someone else."
She took a few steps toward me. "Why can't we work this out? We love each other."
"No," I said as I shook my head. "We don't." I don't know if she understood what I meant, but she turned and left anyway.