"You're leaving me? Alone?"

Snape didn't usually like to show fear or weakness of any kind. It wasn't in his nature. However, this situation was different. Quite out of the ordinary. And as far as he was concerned, he had every right to run for the door screaming and never come back. Voldemort was a walk in the park compared to this. In fact, Snape couldn't think of a worse thing he could be stuck having to do. He'd rather spend the entire day trying to teach first years to brew... well, anything.

"Unfortunately, I have some business at the Ministry that I must attend to, but I won't be long," Dumbledore promised, unable to hide his amusement over Snape's obvious discomfort at being left in charge. "I trust that you can handle the situation until I return."

"Don't you think I would be of much better use trying to brew an antidote?" Snape suggested, trying his best to get out of this utterly ridiculous assignment and pass it off onto some other poor bastard.

The Headmaster shrugged his shoulders dismissively. "It's just someone's idea of a practical joke. I'm sure it will wear off soon."

"Surely there is someone more suitable to handle this particular task. Minerva–"

"Has her hands full already, what with it being Hogsmeade weekend and Valentine's Day."

"Perhaps the Hospital Wing–"

Dumbledore shook his head. "Hagrid decided to include the Blast-ended Skrewts in his lesson plan for the first years this term. Nasty business."

"How about–"

"You'll be fine, Severus," Dumbledore assured him, his eyes twinkling in that annoying way that only meant trouble. "Just make sure they don't do anything – inappropriate."

Resignation and dread filled Snape as he watched the Headmaster casually sweep out of his office without even so much as a backward glance, as though he weren't leaving his most loyal and under-appreciated professor in a most dreadful position. With a sigh, Snape sat down and eyed the Head Boy and Head Girl warily. They were currently sitting across from him playing a not so discreet game of footsy under his desk, quite tame really compared with what they had been doing in the Great Hall this morning. He could still see bits of egg stuck in the Head Girl's hair from when the Head Boy had attempted to take her on the table right in the middle of breakfast.

Fortunately, the Headmaster had intervened before any serious damage was done, but between the dry humping and the resulting laughter that erupted from the rest of the student body, his appetite was quite ruined. Although no one confessed, it was clear someone had slipped something in their pumpkin juice. And when he found out who had gotten him into the ridiculous position of having to keep the Head Boy and Head Girl from shagging each other senseless, he was going to make them so miserable, they were going to wish he still made a practice of using Unforgiveables.

"Can you please refrain from doing that," Snape growled.

"Doing what, sir?" Draco asked innocently, his hand halfway up the Head Girl's skirt.

"Don't move a finger," Snape snapped at him.

"What about two fingers, sir?" Draco asked impudently, giving the Head Girl a wink.

"No!"

Pouting, Hermione slunk down in her chair and started grinding against Draco's hand. "You always let Malfoy get out of all the work," she huffed.

Snape scowled at her. "Ten points from Gryffindor," he snarled, pointing his wand at them and casting a spell to move their chairs farther apart.

"That's not fair," Hermione protested.

"Life isn't fair," Snape replied in a bored tone. "If it was, I wouldn't be stuck chaperoning you two nitwits."

"We're both of age," Hermione pointed out defiantly. "We can do what we like."

"Not in the middle of the Great Hall you can't. And certainly not in my office."

"What about an unused classroom?" Draco asked, quite serious.

"No."

"How about–"

"No," Snape interrupted with finality in his voice.

Draco's face fell but then much to Snape's dissatisfaction, the boy's despondent expression was almost immediately replaced by a big, wicked grin. Grudgingly, Snape followed Draco's gaze to the Head Girl.

"Stop that," Snape snapped.

"But I'm hot," Hermione, whined, continuing to unbutton her blouse while at the same time giving the Head Boy a flirty sideways glance.

"I'll say you are," breathed Draco, unable to take his eyes off of her.

"Use a Cooling Charm then," barked Snape in exasperation. "Are you a witch, or aren't you?"

Hermione glared at her professor. "I am a witch," she huffed. "The smartest witch of my age I've been told." She then proceeded to use a Vanishing Spell on her blouse.

Snape's eyes nearly popped out of his head. The Head Girl certainly had blossomed as of late. Without her blouse on and her robes gaping open such as they were, he now had a spectacular view of her womanly curves, which were, well, womanly. And made the point most convincingly that Ms. Granger was indeed of age. Perhaps even more surprising than her voluptuous figure was that instead of the plain white or beige bra he would have expected her to wear (not that he had given it much consideration or even thought about it at all for that matter), she was wearing a pink lacy number that was so sheer, it left very little to the imagination. He wouldn't say that the Head Girl's lingerie was sexy exactly because he was a professor and he did not find anything about students sexy. At all. Because that would be wrong. And creepy. But it was certainly unexpected.

Shaking his head to clear out any untoward thoughts, particularly thoughts of matching knickers, Snape growled, "Just sit there quietly and keep your hands to yourself."

Unfortunately, that was precisely the wrong thing to say as they both immediately began fondling themselves in front of each other.

"Stop! Stop that this instant!"

"I... I can't," said Hermione breathlessly, one hand squeezing her breast, the other rubbing her area that must not be named.

"I can't either!" exclaimed Draco, his trousers around his ankles and is hand pumping furiously. "I'll die if I stop! You know I will!"

"You are not going to die," snapped Snape exasperatedly. "You both need to try to exercise a little self control. This potion should start wearing off soon."

"I can't wait. I need sex now!" Hermione professed loudly, standing up and knocking over her chair.

"Me too!" Draco agreed exuberantly, rising to meet her.

"Oh, fuck no. Not in my office you don't," Snape said, launching himself out of his chair and at the Head Boy and Head Girl.

For a while, it was all confusion and flailing limbs as Snape attempted to pry the amorous couple apart. It wasn't easy, but he finally managed to wedge himself between them and was all set to drag them down to the Hospital Wing and brush his hands of the whole thing when something quite unforeseeable happened.

Snape cleared his throat carefully in an attempt to avoid an adolescent-like squeak. "Ms. Granger, can you kindly remove your hand from my trousers?"

Hermione's eyes widened slightly at her mistake but leaning in toward him, she murmured, "Impressive."

That was the last straw. He couldn't take anymore. He was too old for this shit. Whipping out his wand, he hit them both with a Petrificus Totalus. Looking down at the Head Boy and Head Girl sprawled out on his office floor, he let out a groan. He now had the answer to what he had been silently pondering. With her skirt flipped up such as it was, Snape now knew without a doubt that the Head Girl was most definitely not wearing matching knickers. Bloody hell.

Taking a deep breath, Snape smoothed his rumpled robes and went back to his desk. He did his best to ignore the two students lying obscenely on the floor of his office. After all, he did have grading that needed attending. He had a nice, thick stack of third year papers piled on his desk, and he usually found great enjoyment in coming up with the appropriate insults for each miserable excuse for an essay, but it was no use. He was definitely distracted. The silence was unsettling and so were the lewd thoughts he was now harboring for the Head Girl. Unable to take it anymore, he pointed his wand at her and cast a Finite.

Carefully scrutinizing her reaction, he asked, "Do you want to have sex?"

Hermione's eyes went wide. "Pardon?"

Snape let out the breath he was holding. "You were under the influence of a lust potion, Ms. Granger," he drawled, managing to achieve a reasonable degree of disinterestedness. "I was just making sure the effects had worn off before I woke up Mr. Malfoy."

Hermione looked over at the Head Boy lying on the floor with his trousers down and blushed. "Er, yes. The effects are quite gone, sir."

"Good. Finite," said Snape, pointing his wand at Draco.

Draco stood up, and not at all embarrassed, pulled up his trousers. Smirking at Hermione, he said, "Nice tits."

Looking down to see herself still on display, she quickly fastened her robes. Walking over to Draco, she poked him hard in the chest and seethed, "If you tell any of your friends what went on in here, you will be very sorry. I know spells. Spells that even your father would find questionable."

"Don't worry, Granger. I don't kiss and tell," Draco drawled, picking a piece of egg out of her hair. "It will be our little secret."

"Yours and the rest of the school," Snape commented dryly.

"This is the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me," said Hermione, burying her face in her hands.

"I don't know," said Draco, snickering. "What about that incident in Potions when your already big teeth grew even more enormous? Or better yet, that time you somehow managed to turn yourself into a cat and gave us an endless supply of pussy jokes to make at your expense?"

"Shut up, ferret," Hermione said pointedly, punching him hard in the arm. Taking a deep breath, she turned to Snape and began stammering, "Professor I... um, I'm..."

"What's the matter, Ms. Granger? Cat got your tongue?" Snape drawled. He smirked at his own cleverness.

Hermione scowled at her professor and straightening her shoulders, she defiantly snapped, "I'm sorry I grabbed your penis, sir."

Snape started choking on his own smirk, and Draco let out a loud guffaw. Recovering, Snape barked, "Ten points from Slytherin!"

"She's the one who said it," grumbled Draco bitterly.

That was true, but Snape didn't see how he could take off points for that particular apology, crude as it was. Bloody Gryffindors.

"May I be excused, sir?" Hermione asked stiffly.

"Please," replied Snape, ready to be rid of them both. He had things to take care of. Immediately.

Hermione was sweeping past the Head Boy without any intent of acknowledging him whatsoever when Draco said mockingly, "What? No apology for me? I guess you're not sorry you touched my penis."

Stopping in her tracks, Hermione turned around to face Draco. She opened her mouth to say something, but no matter how hard she tried, no words came out. Stamping her foot in frustration, she turned on her heel and stomped out of Snape's office.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Granger," Draco called after her, smirking. However, when he saw Snape glaring at him, he quickly added, "Um, to you too, sir."

"Out," Snape growled, pointing at the door.

Draco didn't need to be told twice. He all but ran out the door. "Hey, wait up, Granger," he called. "I believe we still have some head duties to perform."

"You wish," Hermione replied saucily over her shoulder, but Snape couldn't help noticing that she had slowed down her pace to let the Head Boy catch up to her.

When Dumbledore finally returned, Snape had his head down on the desk.

"So, is everything taken care of then?"

"I wouldn't say that," grumbled Snape, wincing at the tightness in his trousers.

"Pardon?"

"Never mind. I have to use the loo," Snape muttered, getting up and heading toward the door.

"Might I suggest the Room of Requirement," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling obnoxiously. "Excellent magazines."