I hope that you enjoy this. It's something that I started February 17, 2013, and just finished. I actually got the idea for it at work. The person that Harry ends up with is not who I was intending on. I may or may write another one-shot that would be a continuance of this. The Poll results were inconclusive, and I didn't have anybody message me with who they wanted Harry to end up with, so here it is. Enjoy.
I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own any of the characters.
WARNINGS: CRACK-FIC. EWE. MAN-KISSES. WORDS WRITTEN IN ITALICS ARE PARSELTOUNGUE AND WORDS BOLDED ARE SPELLS.
The door slammed open as Severus Snape swept into the room, after a quick glance around he snapped, "Weasley, Granger; where is Potter?"
Ron turned red. "I gave him a sleeping potion."
Snape's sneer turned into a snarl. "You gave POTTER A SLEEPING POTION?"
"I can't say much, because it's his life, but he couldn't sleep, so I slipped a potion into a glass of water that I got him at like one in the morning so I could get some sleep."
Even Hermione was looking at Ron like he was an arse. "Ron, he will be upset with you when he wakes up and realizes what happened."
Ron huffed and crossed his arms under the accusatory glares of the classroom. "Yeah well, when he remembers that he's slept about seven hours total in the last week I'm sure he'll forgive me."
Snape rolled his eyes before striding towards the front of the room and waving his hand at the chalkboard. "Instructions are on the board, start NOW! Oh and Weasley, thirty points from Gryffindor."
About to open his mouth to object, Hermione swatted her boyfriend on the back of the head, to stop him. The class started off okay, until there was an explosion that filled the room with smoke.
If you had been sitting in the Gryffindor common room you could have heard Harry Potter's yell of, 'DAMMIT RON!', two minutes before there was a black headed blur running out of the portrait hole. Harry was running as fast as he could towards the potions room, and the few people that he passed just gave him an odd look before continuing on with their business. It was when he got to the stairs leading down to the dungeons that he slipped and fell down the stairs, when Harry felt his arm break with a loud crack. "UNGGGH." He groaned, before standing up and slowly stumbling towards the potions room. He opened the door with his eyes closed, shut it behind him, and took half of a step before he fainted.
"Harry? What's wrong?"
"Harry wake up."
Harry groaned and tried to roll over, when his arm burst out in pain. "Fuck." he hissed, sitting up cradling his arm. He lifted himself to his feet with his uninjured arm, and when he stood, he looked around. "Where is-." He started before he was interrupted.
"Harry what did you do to your arm?"
"Fell down the stairs." He groaned, looking around. "Where are you Hermione?"
Harry looked down to see the floor covered in snakes, before jumping back with a yelp, which turned into a cry of pain when his arm collided with a desk. "Why the fuck are you a snake Hermione?" he hissed.
"Where did you fall down the stairs?"
"Which snake are you?"
A snake with rings around its body slid towards him, and he took a subconscious step back, before it rose and looked at him. "Me. Now tell me what you did to the arm? It's obviously hurting you."
Harry groaned, knowing she wouldn't drop it. "I fell down the staircase that comes down into the dungeons. I'm fairly certain I broke it, but better to show up with a broken arm and have Snape send me to the infirmary than to not show up at all and have him murder me for being a 'lazy toe rag' like my father."
A black cobra rose in an s position near the middle of the mass of snakes. "Despite my disliking for you, if you broke your arm you should have gone to the infirmary you dunderhead."
Harry's eyes widened. "Did the whole class turn into snakes?" he asked, before counting the serpentine bodies. There was a sudden explosion of hissing and Harry groaned, before reaching for his wand. "EXPECTO PATRONUM" When his stag burst out of the wand it turned towards him. "Go to Headmaster Dumbledore and tell him I need him in the potion's room, that there's been an accident."
"Holy shit, Potter CAN cast a Patronus."
"Harry mate, you should have asked him to get Pomfrey." A deep red colored snake said.
Harry raised an eyebrow at the snake with Ron's voice. "Why?" He asked, realizing that his entire class, and Snape had turned into snakes, and that he was the only known person alive who could talk to them.
"Because you obviously broke your arm you tosh pot!"
"Thanks for that Seamus." Harry snarl-hissed back, at the snakes, not knowing which one Seamus was.
In a mass movement the snakes turned towards the door. "Somebodies coming." One of them hissed, though, they all felt the vibrations in the stone floor.
In what he later decided was instinct Harry raised his wand and pointed it at the door, just a second before it burst open. Albus Dumbledore was in the room for half a second, before he realized that there was a wand pointed at his face. "What happened Harry?" He asked, before his twinkling blue eyes lowered to the irregularly bent arm that he was cradling. "And what did you do to your arm."
"Nobody woke me up this morning, so I ran as fast as I could down here, and I tripped mid staircase. I figured Snape could give me a potion, and that if I didn't show up to class at all then he would k.." He suddenly drifted off before looking down at the cobra.
Dumbledore's eyes followed. "Harry, where did all of the snakes come from?" He asked, before sending a patronus out to Madame Pomfrey, asking her to bring pain potions, skele-grow, and other healing potions.
Harry rubbed his head with his free hand, fighting against the nausea that arose when his right arm dropped from lack of support. "I don't know how, but from what I gather, the snakes are my classmates, and Snape."
"Someone's potion exploded, and the smoke that it released is what caused our... transformations."
"Who's cauldron?" Harry asked.
"Whose is mine?"
Harry turned towards Dumbledore, and flinched when he noticed that the man was still watching him. "Um… Neville's cauldron exploded, and it emitted a lot of smoke, and it turned everybody into a snake."
Dumbledore looked around at the snakes, before turning back to him. "Then you should probably thank your friends for not waking you up, what with you being the last remaining parselmouth and all."
He reached his good arm up to try and flatten his hair, something that he did when he was nervous. "Actually, I'm fairly certain Ron slipped me a sleeping potion last night. I'm still having nightmares and I kept waking up screaming, so I'm guessing that the odd taste in the water he gave me was dreamless sleep."
"Sorry Harry. But you needed your rest."
Harry just shook his head and looked at Dumbledore. "So, what are we going to do?"
"Well, first we need to know what potion Neville was brewing."
Harry looked towards the snake that he assumed was Neville, but the explanation came from the large black cobra. "They were supposed to be brewing the potion that forcibly turns a person into their Animagus animal, Professor McGonagall asked for it for her N. E. W. T. students. But, despite the fact that it is highly unlikely that everybody in the room had a snake Animagus, there is also the issue with that potion is administered orally and not through a vapor in the air."
Harry translated for Dumbledore, who nodded. "There is supposed to be a timer on the potion, that will change them back after so long."
"Yes, but let us just assume that along with the other changes, the timer is either completely gone, or it has been extended, as we should have changed back by now."
"Sir?" Harry hissed. "Do you have the ability to change into an Animagus normally?"
"Whether I do or don't is no concern of yours."
Harry huffed before turning to the headmaster. "Snape-."
"Professor Snape Harry."
"Professor Snape says that it can be assumed that along with the other changes, it is likely that the timer is completely irrelevant, or has been changed." Then with a mental grin that he hoped to the high heavens didn't show on his face he added, "he has also informed me that he wants the walls in here charmed to Gryffindor colors, and that he needs bottomless bowls of lemon drops in his personal quarters."
"LIES!" Snape hissed, as Dumbledore began to chuckle.
"While I don't doubt the Lemon Drop bowls, I'm sure that he didn't want the walls charmed red and gold, as I've had to listen many times, to him rant about the color scheme of the house of the lions." He thought for a moment. "I think that our biggest problem is who will cover Severus's classes."
Harry's eyebrow twitched. "Who will cover his classes?"
He spoke in that calm voice that Ron and Hermione knew meant trouble, emphasized by the duo hissing, "Oh shit."
"Professor I assure you the biggest problem is that THERE ARE NEARLY TWO DOZEN POISONOUS SNAKES IN THIS ROOM. THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IS THAT WE DON'T KNOW IF AND WHEN THEY WILL CHANGE BACK! THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IS THAT SINCE I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN SPEAK TO THEM THEY WILL HAVE TO BE AROUND ME ALL OF THE TIME!" Harry didn't notice that he switched to parseltoungue for the last sentence.
Dumbledore looked at him over the top of his spectacles. "You'll have to repeat that last bit, because although I have mastered a great many languages, Parseltoungue is not one of them!"
Harry didn't notice the door open as he burst again. "I SAID THAT THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IS THAT I'M THE ONLY BLOODY PERSON WHO CAN SPEAK TO THEM, AND ARE THEREFORE GOING TO HAVE TO BE SURROUNDED BY SNAKES UNTIL THEY CHANGE BACK. I DON'T HAVE A GOOD TRACK RECORD WITH SNAKES! THE FIRST SNAKE I MET, I SET LOOSE FROM THE ZOO. SECOND, WAS A BLOODY BASILISK IN THE CHAMBER OF BLOODY SECRETS AND IT TRIED, AND VERY DAMN NEARLY SUCCEEDED IN KILLING ME. THIRDLY IS NAGINI WHO MIGHT I REMIND YOU WAS THE SNAK-CRUX OF A HOMICIDAL MEGALOMANIAC. I DON'T NEED SEVERUS BLOODY SNAPE AND DRACO I WANT TO STAB YOU MALFOY SLEEPING IN MY BEDCHAMBERS UNTIL THEY TURN BACK INTO HUMANS THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"
He was huffing by the time that he was done, and all of the snakes, including the ones that had been muttering between themselves were stunned to silence. "Never," Madame Pomfrey began, "In all of my years, have I seen someone show that horrific a display of temper with a broken arm."
Harry, who flushed an incredibly deep red color, looked very sheepish. He looked at the ground as the Healer stepped towards him. "Sorry Professor." He mumbled, as gentle hands started probing his arm.
With a frown, she cast a diagnosis charm on the appendage. "Mr. Potter! How many times has your arm been broken?"
"A few," he mumbled so softly that she almost didn't hear.
"How many times is a few?"
He looked up at her, finally allowing his eyes to show the pain that he was fighting very hard to hide. "Are we counting the times before Hogwarts or after I came here and people kept trying to kill me every year?"
Both she and the headmaster looked shocked. "What do you mean before you came to Hogwarts? Nothing was in your medical records."
Harry, no longer having the strength to stand, leaned against a table and sunk to the floor. "That's because they never took me to the doctor. They tried to fix it themselves or my magic did. Sure, blood wards are great when they can keep out Dark Lords and Death Eaters, but they're not so hot when they can't protect you from the people that make the wards work in the first place."
The snake that had spoken to him with Hermione's voice slithered over to him and climbed up his uninjured arm. "Harry, what did the Dursleys do to you?"
"What didn't they do to me 'Mione? Surely you must have had your suspicions, the way I always ate very little when coming back from the summer, and worked my way up to meals, and then weaned myself off. Didn't you wonder why I was always wearing baggy clothes? Did you notice that I flinched away when people yelled, or when you raise your hand suddenly when you're sitting beside me?" Harry decided to stop fighting the heaviness that had been weighing on his eyelids, and allowed himself to slump into an uneasy sleep. "Didn't you ever wonder why I was afraid to go back?"
The snakes started hissing, in unison. If Dumbledore or Pomfrey had been able to speak Parseltoungue they would have known that some were surprised to hear about Harry's life, and others were outraged that the Adults hadn't noticed anything, or that they did, and they didn't care. Most of all though.. if they had understood the loud hissing that filled the room, they might have been able to hear a voice saying, 'I was so wrong.'
When Harry awoke he was lying on a bed in the infirmary, and when he realized this, he let out a loud groan. "Damn it, why is it always here?"
"Mr. Potter!" Came a voice from beside him, and Harry looked at the mediwitch. "I'm glad that you're finally awake! How is your arm feeling?"
"What do you mean?" Harry asked, reaching his arms up to flatten his hair. "My arms are fine."
She looked hesitant, "Mr. Potter, do you remember why you passed out?"
"Er… I assume Ron gave me a sleeping potion again and accidentally overdosed me."
"So you don't remember falling down the stairs on the way to Potions this morning and breaking your arm in three spots?"
Harry's face scrunched. "I remember that I made it into class, and took about two steps before I passed out from the pain."
"You don't remember waking up once? For about half an hour?"
Harry, very suddenly, sat up in his bed and looked around. "What happened to all of the snakes then?"
Madame Pomfrey. "They are waiting outside of the door. They seemed very adamant about being allowed entrance, but I told them that they were really students and/or staff then they know my rules about bothering my patients."
Harry smiled at her, and as soon as she walked into her office he snapped his fingers to magic his clothes on, and ran for the door. He opened and closed it behind him as softly as he could. "Come on, we're going to see Dumbledore."
He had taken about seven steps before the doors burst open behind him, and a voice yelled out, "Harry James Potter, you stop right there."
He froze, and turned in slow motion. "What can I do for you?"
"Yeah you tell her Harry!"
"You didn't wait for her to tell you that you could leave?"
She huffed and crossed her arms across her chest, "did I give you permission to leave?"
"Ermm… did I need permission?"
"Yes, we need to run the CBHC." She said, and at his confused look, she elaborated, "Comprehensive Background Health Check, it's a spell that will make a set of magical medical records, from birth to present day."
A light bulb turned on in his head. "Why would we need to do that?"
"It's routine-." She started, but Harry knew she was lying.
"Bull Shit! If it were routine it would have been done in any of the other times that I've been in here."
"It's only routine in abuse cases Mr. Potter." His snake professor supplied.
"I wasn't abused!" Harry shouted, and turning back towards the medi-witch asked quietly, "am I healed? Is my arm fixed?" At her nod he turned around and started to walk away, hissing one single word while she squawked about him still not having her permission to leave. "Come!"
He ignored the conversation that drifted between the snakes as they made their way towards Dumbledore's office. Most of the students that they passed had entertaining reactions, they screamed and ran away. About three corridors and a staircase away Harry encountered a group of Slytherins. "What's with all the snakes Potter? Trying to become the next Dark Lord are you?"
Harry rolled his eyes, "of course I am, because I would let myself get hit with the killing curse in the bloody forbidden forest by the last Dark Lord just so that I could become one myself."
"Harry.. don't tease Grintlock… he's like I was, except twenty times worse. He's done things to people."
The boy that Harry now knew had the name Grintlock scoffed at him. "Like anybody actually believes that you were actually hit by the killing curse in the forest."
"What mummy and daddy didn't tell you the story? Or darling Bella didn't spread it throughout the castle when you and all of your… friends came inside?"
"Bellatrix Lestrange was more of a woman than you'll ever get."
Harry smirked and walked past him, calling over his shoulder. "Good because gay men aren't interested in getting women." Snickering, Harry walked the rest of the way in a buoyant mood, which didn't even begin to drift away when he had to levitate the snakes up the stairs. "Hey Malfoy, how fast will it circulate through the Slytherin common room that the 'Chosen One' just confessed to being gay?"
"Pretty damn quick."
The ride up the spiral staircase was a silent affair, except for the occasional chuckle that Harry let out. When they arrived at the door, he reached out his hand and knocked a short tune, and smiled even wider when the answer two knocks sounded. "Come in." Came Dumbledore's voice when the door opened.
"Hello Professor!" Harry chirped, before sitting down in the chair opposite the large wooden desk.
"So Harry, what may I do for you?" The old man asked, twining his fingers together.
"I was wondering if you had come up with any ideas for the sleeping arrangements?"
"I had a few, but I'm not sure if you will necessarily like them."
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Why wouldn't I?"
"Well first would be staying in Professor Snapes quart-."
Harry shook his head, a shudder running down his body. "I'd rather Snape not sink his highly venomous fangs into my arm for sleeping in his bed… and then there's the nightmares, dark and cold isn't exactly comforting."
Dumbledore nodded like he had expected this. "Like I'd allow you to sleep on my bed. You'd be on the couch you nitwit."
"One of the other options is that we could open up one of the many guest rooms that never get used."
He thought about it for a second. "I dunno, it just sounds so… impersonal. If I'm going to be staying somewhere for an undetermined length of time, then I don't want to feel.. out of place."
"Who knew that the Gryffindor Golden boy was so picky?"
"I'm not picky whichever Slytherin ass hole it was who said that. I just figure somewhere comfortable would be nice, with plenty of room for me to escape from all of you if I need a break from the reminder that I can only speak parseltoungue because a snake faced bastard decided he wanted to kill me."
Dumbledore nodded again. "Which is where this third suggestion comes from. Please don't be offended, but I know that you've been fixing up your house, and that you've had a variety of crews there since you defeated Voldemort."
Harry stood from his seat. "You've had me followed?"
"I'm sorry my boy, but your safet-."
"Is none of anybody's god damned business except for my own. I expected to be able to have peace since we defeated Voldemort. But since I'm still being stalked by the Order then I guess I was wrong."
"Bellatrix Le-." The old man started.
"Harry, there was no body found."
Forgetting that there was a room full of students, and his most hated professor behind him, Harry snorted. "That's because when I saw her about to kill my… someone I care about I cast an incendio on her and watched her burn to ash."
Dumbledore looked shocked. "Why did no one hear-?"
"Her screams? Well since I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in seven years, except for the times that Ron has drugged me because I have nightmares that make me wake up screaming, I've learned how to cast a very effective silencing charm."
"Are you seri-?"
Harry started laughing, "Of course not. I may have hated the bitch for murdering the closest thing that I've ever had to having parents, but the only murder that I committed during the Battle of Hogwarts was Voldemort's. However, the reason that there was no body found, was because about a week before the battle she showed up in his rooms naked and wanted to consummate their eternal bond, and he drowned her in a lake of inferi."
Dumbledore thought for a second, before nodding. "So, would you be willing to house these lovely people at your home?"
Harry slumped back into the squishy chair, and ran his fingers through his dark head fur. "I was really wanting to see the inside of it for the first time alone."
"We can send them through the floo an hour after you go. That way you'll have time to set up wards around rooms that you don't want them to enter and whatnot."
Harry shook his head. "I still don't know if this is a good idea, I mean I don't know how to take care of snakes. What they need, how they use the restroom, anything. The only snake that I have knowledge of caring for is Nagini and that's just because I had a lot of visions where Voldie was all like Nagini, here's supper."
Dumbledore waved his hand, and after a shimmer of a glamour being released, "which is why I have procured these manuals for you from the pet shop on Diagon Alley."
Harry's eyes narrowed for a fraction of a second, before looking away and calling out, "Dobby!" There was a small pop. "Are all of the construction people out of the house?"
Dobby nodded and clasped his hands together. "Yes Master Harry Potter sir, Dobby is makings sure that they is all gone, and keeping the house clean."
Harry smiled. "It's just Harry remember? I was wondering if you would mind making up the.. uh master bedroom, as I'll be there tonight, and then we'll need to arrange adequate sleeping arrangements for the snakes."
Dobby leaned to the side, and caught sight of the variety of snakes, "Theys will not be eating Dobby will they?"
Harry turned around and gave them all a stare that dared them to try. "If they tried I guess we'll be seeing what snake tastes like."
"HARRY!" Hermione hissed, while Harry turned around to give Dumbledore a large smile. "I'll just go and pack my stuff then."
"Harry Potter Sir, I coulds be getting your things, and you could go ahead to the cottage. I could brings along the snakes laters if you'd like."
Harry blushed slightly. "I can get my own things Dobby, and please don't call me sir."
"But Mr. Harry Pot-." Harry stood up shaking his head.
"I'm going to go and pack my things. Dobby, I will see you at the cottage." He turned around to see the snakes lying on the floor between him and the door. "Excuse me."
"Are you sure that you don't want someone to go with you now Harry? For when you're in there the first time."
"Mate what is she talking about?"
Harry shook his head. "Hermione I've been in the house. After we jumped out of Bathilda's window, when you said I was 'ill', I was in Voldemort's mind and he was remembering the night that he killed them. I think that I'd rather be able to get over whatever feelings I might have, before my classmates and the professor who seems to hate my existence arrive. It was hard enough just standing at the gate, but to lay on the couch the way he saw my father doing, or to stand in front of the crib that I used to sleep in.. I think I'd just rather do it alone the first time. Now please, excuse me."
The snakes moved out of his way, and Harry exited after nodding at the Headmaster. Harry packed slowly, secretly deathly afraid of walking into that house. Of standing where they had stood. Most of the stuff was the same as it had been when.. it had happened, but the only thing that Harry had agreed to let the crews that he sent in change, was the master bedroom, furniture wise at least. Mostly, they had just cleaned from top to bottom, from all of the years that it had spent uninhabited….fixed the roof. Harry sighed as he shut his trunk. Maybe he should get one of his friends to go with him, or one of the snakes.. He made his way back to the Headmasters office, and was shocked to see Professor Snape hissing at Dumbledore. "You're just letting him take us off to some undisclosed location? He could very well murder the lot of us."
"Um.. Professor Dumbledore? May I ask how long he's been at it?" Harry's voice travelled through the room, and Snape swiveled on the desk so fast, that he nearly fell off of the edge.
"Oh, I assume this is Severus? He's been singing to me in parseltoungue since you've been gone."
"Professor, if that is how you sing, will you refrain from doing so while you're in my house?" He asked before turning back towards the headmaster. "May I use your floo?"
"Absolutely!" He said, motioning Harry towards the fireplace.
Harry threw the powder into the fireplace. "Professor, I.. I don't know if I will be returning to Hogwarts after this. I don't like how you're still having me followed. I don't like how you're still treating me as if I were nothing more than a child. And I most certainly do not like how you can't look me in the eyes without trying to use Legilimency on me." Not waiting for a reply, Harry stepped into the flames and called out "POTTER COTTAGE."
Harry slumped to the floor outside of the fireplace, and looked at the couch. 'My father was lying on that couch, holding me up in the air less than five minutes before he died.' He stood up and ran his hand over the fabric, before walking through the door, and standing in the main entrance. 'That's the door that was blasted away when Voldemort came to visit.' Harry then looked at the floor. 'This is where my father fell.. dying to protect my mother and I.' He turned towards the stairs, and after a moment's hesitation he started walking up them. He strode straight past the door to his par… his bedroom, and opened the door to the nursery. Standing there, he looked in at the room that had once been his. Determined not to allow his emotions to take him over, he turned around and walked away. He walked back down the stairs, and entered the room he had started in, before slowly exploring each room of the house. He opened the last door, to find that it had a staircase leading to an attic. When he reached the top of the staircase he looked around to find it empty except for something narrow, which was covered with a blanket leaning up against the wall.
Harry heard a pop, and Dobby's voice called out. "Master Harry Potter Sir. We's is here."
"I'm in the attic!" He yelled back, reaching a hand out to pull the blanket off.
When he did he leapt away, and ended up causing himself to fall down the stairs. "Harry Potters, why is you at the bottom of the stairs? Is you hurt?"
Harry groaned as he sat up, before shaking his head. "No I'm fine. I just jumped and fell backwards."
"You're lucky you didn't break your neck."
"What is it with you and the stairs today mate?"
"What was up there Harry?"
Standing up, Harry ignored the hissed questions, before making his way back up the stairs, and grabbing the portrait, trying to avoid looking at it again, until he hung it up. When Harry got down to the bottom of the staircase, he pointed his wand at one side, and made it turn into a slide so that it would be easier for the snakes to get up and down. He walked back into the room with the fireplace and hung the portrait of his mom and dad holding him as a baby, while Sirius and Remus were standing beside them. "Harry?" Hermione's voice came again, and Harry turned to look at the snakes, who were mostly silent.
"Sorry… just thinking." He said, trying to ignore how thick his voice sounded. "Are any of you hungry or anything?" He asked, his eyes shooting to the books that were sitting on top of his trunk.
"I'm maybe a little cold." Came a soft voice that he was unfamiliar with. Harry nodded his head and pointed his wand at the fireplace, conjuring flames up. "Thank you."
"Any time." He said, before turning back towards the group of snakes, to see that some of the others were following the girl. "Anything else?" When nobody else said anything, Harry grabbed one of the books and plopped onto the couch to read it.
"Harry? Can I sit by you on the couch?"
Harry scooted over and nodded. "Climb on up."
His lips twitched slightly when he realized that most of the other snakes decided to follow Hermione, who slid over and leaned against him. When Harry got to the section about caring for snakes, he called for Dobby. "What cans I gets for you?"
Harry smiled at him. "I was wondering if we had any large flat bowls or anything that we could put water in. I can easily conjure the mice and other things that they will need to eat, but I figure we should get a few water bowls set up around the place, so that they can drink whenever they may be thirsty."
He didn't notice leaning further and further into the cushions , as he continued reading, and occasionally asking Dobby to set things up. Didn't notice his eyes start to droop. Didn't…
He was walking down a corridor at Hogwarts, when it suddenly got very dark. "Hello?" He called out, confused as to where all of the light went, he walked forward until he found a wall, and then followed along that until his hand touched the cold metal orb of the doorknob.
He pushed the door open, and heard an ear-splitting scream. "HELP ME!"
He ran through the door and towards where the scream was coming from. "Where are you?" Harry yelled.
Hermione was curled up contentedly beside Harry, who she didn't realize was asleep until he started twitching. "Sir… Sirius."
She turned towards him, to see him leaning fully into the cushions. "Harry?"
"D.. Don't hurt him."
"RON!" She hissed, trying to get the redheads attention.
Harry started sobbing in his sleep. "It's all my fault… I'm so sorry."
"You need to wake-."
"Siri…" Harry sighed, before turning in his sleep so that he could stretch out his legs. "I'm not too young." Harry's stomach growled, and Hermione realized that he hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. "Don't growl Siri, Draco's bum is cute."
All of the snakes that weren't sleeping were now staring at Harry, with their unblinking reptilian eyes. "What did he just say Granger?" Draco hissed from his spot on the rug in front of the fireplace.
"But not as delectable as Snapes… he looks really hot without those bat robes." Harry looked like he was going to continue, when the floo roared to life, and he leapt off of the couch with his wand raised.
"Harry?" Ginny asked softly.
"What did you say to me when you woke up in the chamber of secrets?" He asked, wand arm not wavering.
"Petrificus Totalus!" Harry cried, causing the girl's arms to snap to her side, and her to fall down. He had forgotten about the snakes who had backed away. "The first thing that Ginny Weasley said to me when she woke in the chamber was that she tried to warn me. I'm going to unfreeze your mouth, and when I ask you this time, I expect an honest answer!" He waved his hand. "When I arrived at the Burrow before your first year, you came down and asked somebody something. What was it, and who did you ask?"
"I… I don't know."
"Who are you? And answer me honestly or I'll have one of my pets bite you."
Her eyes drifted to the side, where she saw all of the snakes. "Romilda Vane. I stole some Polyjuice Potion from Professor Snape's store cupboards, and took a hair out of Ginny's brush. I heard that the two of you were dating and I wanted to be with you."
"Dobby!" Harry called out.
"Yes Harry Potter sir?"
"Take Romilda here to Professor Dumbledore and tell him that she is using the Polyjuice potion illegally, and that she stole it from Professor Snape."
Dobby stepped forward and placed his hand on her shoulder, and popped them both away.
"Damn, I was hoping to not have to ward it until tomorrow." Harry said, before walking over to the wall, and placing his hands against it, calling forth his magic.
It seemed like hours later that he was done, and he turned to see snake with yellow and green scales close to the skull watching him, while the others slept. Harry nodded at his peer, as he made his way down the hall and into the kitchen. Yawning, Harry pointed his wand at the cabinets and silently cast a spell that allowed him to see through the cabinet doors so that he could see where things were. Afterwards he pulled out everything that he needed and turned towards the stove, which he turned on. "Why not simply have your house elf do it?"
"Because I love cooking, as long as nobody is there to threaten me."
"Threaten you? Who would threaten the boy wonder?"
"Don't call me that! Let's just say that I didn't have the friendliest relatives."
"From what little you said earlier today, that sounds like a bit of an understatement."
Harry sighed, as he mixed some chopped peppers into a bowl that contained eggs. "I shouldn't have said that. Usually I don't let the pain cloud my judgment."
Dobby suddenly appeared. "Mr. Harry Potter sir, Why is you cooking this late? Dobby woulds be happy to make food for you!"
Harry yawned, and stepped back so that Dobby could finish the food, before looking down at the snake. "So, who are you?"
"Promise that you won't automatically assume that I'm evil?"
Harry reached his arm out, and allowed it to wind its way up until it rested on his shoulders. "I try not to assume that people I don't know are evil. I'm trying at least. It's difficult though, especially since I don't know who's trying to get close to me because they actually care, or if they're trying to get close to the Chosen One." Harry sighed. "Sometimes I just want to disappear, to leave the wizarding world behind me, and to never come back. To go somewhere where the Prophet can't find me, somewhere nobody will know me, and I can just be another nameless face. I just want to be Harry." He rubbed a hand down his face, and tried to think of where it all came from. "Sorry… got a bit off topic there."
"You can be just Harry… if I can just be Pansy."
Harry had to try very hard not to tense. Thankfully, for Harry, Dobby brought over his food then. "Thank you Dobby. Are you hungry?"
"No Mr. Harry Potter Sir. I was abouts to catch some mouses for the snakes." Dobby said, wringing his hands together.
"Go ahead." Harry said, "oh and Dobby?"
"Just call me Harry."
Dobby just gave him a sort of strangled smile before popping away. "SO… you're just going to leave me hanging? No response at all? Just going to ignore me?"
Harry snorted into his cup before leaning away chuckling. "Actually, I had completely forgotten about it… Pansy." Harry finished his eggs before carrying the dishes to the sink and rinsing them off. He stretched his arms above his head, and looked at his watch. "Holy fuck. It's two in the morning." Harry walked into the living room to find most of the snakes still asleep. "Erm… if you that are awake want to, you could sleep in the bedroom. Or I can just ask Dobby to make sure that the fire doesn't go out, but you guys might get cold." He said to the ones that were awake, and when about seven of them started towards him, he turned and made his way to the stairs, levitating the snakes up the stairs behind him. When he reached the door he set them down gently. "Umm… give me a sec. I'll be right back!" He hissed the last bit before running back down the staircase, and grabbing his trunk, which he promptly carried up into his room.
Harry awoke slowly the next morning, and contemplated rolling over when he noticed that there were weights spread across his body. "Why'sh the 'anketsh so 'eavy?" he asked no one in particular, snuggling back into his pillow.
"Harry you need to wake up."
"Go away Hermione."
"Mate get up, there's stuff we need to talk about."
"Like what? Ten Reasons Harry can't sleep without the aid of a sleeping potion? Number One. Nightmares. Number Two. Annoying friends who won't leave him alone.."
"Number three your boyfriends just floo'd in and are waiting in the living room."
Harry had to ponder this. "I have boyfriends? Did I get drunk off my ass last night?" Muttering to himself, Harry stood up and stretched, not noticing that the snake from last night was still around his neck, or that sometime in the course of his sleeping he had taken off his shirt, and was showing off his well toned chest. He walked into the living room and came face to face with two of his favorite people in the world. "Gred! Forge! What are you two doing here?"
"We have a-"
"Business proposition to-"
"Discuss with you."
Harry nodded his head. "And? What is it?"
"Let us use either the couch-"
"Or the second bedroom-"
"Until our apartment airs out?"
The dark haired man grinned. "What did you guys blow up this time?"
Fred's eyes suddenly widened. "Harry mate, why is there a snake around your neck?"
"Because she was cold." He said, before gently looping his hands around Pansy's slim body and sitting her on the floor.
George waggled his eyebrows. "She?"
Harry rolled his eyes and walked towards the kitchen. "It's too early for your nonsense. Explain your reasoning or I'm kicking you out." He was pulling stuff out of the cabinets and fridge.
He was reaching for something on the top shelf when a warm body pressed against him, and a long freckled arm grabbed down the box. "Let me help you." A voice whispered into his ear as arms wrapped around his waist.
Harry turned around and was about to say something when Ron spoke. "See what I mean Harry? Every time you three are alone together you get somehow sexually assaulted."
Fred, who had been watching his brother try to 'fluster' Harry, turned at the hissing noise and jumped when he saw all of the snakes. "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE SO MANY GOD DAMNED SNAKES?"
Harry looked away from George, and followed where Fred's hand was pointing with his eyes and suddenly jumped away from George, his cheeks a startling red. "Neville had a mishap in potions class and everybody turned into a snake."
"Mr. Potter, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't tell all of your friends about our… condition."
Harry rolled his eyes and started to make his breakfast. "Guys… and Girls, Dobby went and caught some mice last night, so if you're hungry tell me and I'll ask him to take you to them." Harry finished the food and filled three plates as he sat them down on the table. When he looked up and saw that Fred was still staring at the snakes frightened he smirked. "Don't worry Fred. Snape knows that if he bites you he'll become part of dinner."
"Snape?" He asked, before plopping in a chair across from Harry.
George however, sat down in the chair next to Harry, and scooted so close that he was practically in the younger boys lap. "Have you missed us Harry?"
Harry rolled his emerald green eyes again. "Of course I did, you guys are two of my best friends."
Fred leaned towards him from across the table. "Just friends?"
Completely oblivious to the implications that they were making, Harry nodded. "Eat your food, then we'll find somewhere to put you." Before he could take his first bite though, a few of the sn… students asked to be fed. "If you're hungry, slither back into the living room and I'll ask Dobby to feed you." When they complied Harry called for Dobby.
"Whats can Dobby be doings for yous sir?"
"There are some hungry snakes in the living room, will you take them one at a time and feed them." At Dobby's nervous look Harry gave him an understanding smile. "Don't worry Dobby, they won't hurt you."
Fred looked down to see a snake staring up at him, and he looked towards Harry frightened. "Harry, why is this snake staring at me?"
Harry looked below the table, "Pansy, why are you staring at Fred Weasley?"
"Because he smells good. Will you ask him if I may climb up his arm and lay across his shoulders?"
Harry smiled at the Slytherin before sitting back up and looking at Fred. "She wants to know if she can lie across your shoulders."
Fred glared down at the snake, a sneer on his lips. "If you bite me, when you return human you will be prank bombed, and it will not end until you or you admit defeat."
Harry rolled his eyes. "She says you're on… and with her it's not the first bite that you really have to worry about. She's a Red-Necked Keelback and for her venom to spread she has to bite a few times, in somewhat of a chewing motion."
Fred scoffed as the snake slithered it's way up his arm. "Just because I won't be poisoned doesn't mean that it won't hurt like a bitch."
After they had all finished their breakfast Harry led them up the stairs, and into a room that had once been an office, which sat next to Harry's new room. "You guys can sleep in here. You'll need to transfigure furniture and what not. But there you go."
He felt arms wrap around his waist. "But Har-Bear why can't we sleep in your room?"
Harry shrugged. "There's only one bed, but I guess we could put in some bunk beds."
"Potter, I thought that your stupidity astounded me before, but now I'm blown away. Do you really not understand what they're trying to do?"
Harry shook the arms away and then turned to glare at the snake that was Professor Snape. "I'm not stupid you bloody prick."
"They're trying to get into your pants. They want to sleep with you."
Harry rolled his eyes, "Yeah just like you and I fuck all the time. Fred and George are just joking around. Who would want a sad excuse of a man like myself when they could have someone else.. someone better. Nobody! That's who." Harry suddenly shoved past the twins, walked into his room and slammed the door shut.
Harry kicked his desk, and then the trunk at the end of his bed, then his.. he kicked everything he could get to, before letting out a yell. Meanwhile, Fred and George were exchanging odd looks, before Fred stepped forward and cast a spell on the wall that would make it so that they could see what Harry was doing. Neither of the red heads noticed the snakes that had followed them. Harry's fingers were tangled in his hair, and it looked like he was trying tear it out. "Worthless.. worthless… nobody will ever want you Potter… you're… you're just a murderer."
By the time Harry left his room the sun was setting and there was the smell of cooking food. He heard people talking in the living room so he walked in that direction. "Ron.. did you know he thought like that?"
"No.. Well, sometimes when I wake him up from a nightmare, he mumbles something about not helping a murderer but I always thought it was just because he was still groggy."
Peeking his head around the door, he saw that 18 snakes were looking at the Hermione and Ron snakes and that they were listening avidly to the conversation. "I can't believe I didn't notice. I mean, I thought that we-."
Harry snorted, unfortunately alerting them to his presence, and at the sight of twenty snake heads swiveling to look at him he started laughing, and before long he was rolling on the floor. "I never thought I'd see snakes look so sheepish."
"I look nothing like a sheep." Muttered one of the Slytherin boys.
Harry stood back up and his eyes fell to Hermione and Ron. "Thank you for your concern, but I would be much obliged if you would refrain from speaking about my private life when not in front of an audience. It's bad enough that you've got Snape thinking that Gred and Forge want into my pants, but.. Just keep your thoughts about me silent until you guys turn back human." They bobbed their heads in what he assumed was a nod. "Is everybody doing okay? Anybody hungry or anything?" When none of them said anything Harry turned around and walked out of the room, towards the kitchen. He opened the door silently to see Fred and George standing at the stove. "If you burn this house down, the house where my parents died.. I will strip you naked and then give you to Filch to hang in his office by his toes."
They turned to him with their jaws on the floor. "Harry. Finally decided to rejoin the land of the living I see."
George continued Fred's lead. "Yeah mate, maybe next time take a few of the snakes with you so that you-"
"can at the very least talk to someone when you lock yourself in your room."
Harry, though completely certain that Ron and Severus's claims were unfounded, sat down at the table, and leaned forward, trying his hardest to act morose. "I don't know, the snakes are a bunch of liars. You wouldn't believe the crap they sprout sometimes."
"Don't listen to their lies Harry, just ignore them."
"We're making spaghetti for supper."
"So neither Ron nor Snape would be correct when they said that you wanted to get into my pants?" When they froze Harry continued. "Because what Snape said before I stomped away was that you two want to sleep with me."
George waved his wand at the stove, turning it off, and both he and Fred sat down at the table across from Harry. "We need to talk to you," the twins said together.
Harry rolled his eyes, crossed his arms, and leaned back in his chair. "Obbbviousssly." He said, drawing it out as Snape had when Umbitch had questioned him while doing her 'class inspections'. "I mean siriusly; I don't know what's gotten into their heads."
Fred and George exchanged a look. "Well-." Fred started, but Harry wasn't done.
"I mean, as far as I know, neither of you are out of the proverbial closet, and even if you had been, what would the appeal be in a dark haired shrimp of a man such as myself. If I didn't know that they were teasing I think I would be angry about it."
"Why?" George muttered angrily. "Why would it be so shocking that Fred and I fancied you? What have you done that makes you think that you or worthless or that you're a murderer?"
Harry stood up suddenly and his chair fell backwards, making a loud banging noise against the kitchen floor. "You spied on me?" He yelled. "How dare you! I agreed to let you stay here, and to save you from the couch, I gave you a room.." His face darkened considerably. "You cast 'Occulum Appeareo' on the wall didn't you?" At their lack of an answer Harry turned on his heel and pushed his way out of the room, walking steadily towards the front door.
"Harry where are you going?" A voice called out from behind him.
He was about seven steps away from the door. "Out" he replied simply. He should have had more control over his temper, he had been trying for months to keep it in check. But when a hand landed on his shoulder to stop him, he snapped. He spun quickly, and smashed his fist into Fred's jaw; and when Fred fell, so did Harry due to the strong grip on his shoulder. The next few moments where a confusing flurry of fists, rolling bodies, and loudly hissed protests from the snakes who were watching from the doorway. It stopped with Harry lying on his back, and his arms being held above his head, both of them panting heavily. George was sitting against the wall by the door into the living room, holding his hand to his nose, having bowed in defeat when he had been hit by a stray elbow.
"Why," Fred panted, "can't you… ever accept that…. People.. care about you Harry?"
Harry tried to turn his head to the side to avoid looking into the blue eyes, but when he saw the snakes that were watching he closed his eyes and sighed, before turning back up to the red head. "Because who would care about the freak that even his own family didn't love? Who would want the boy who lived in the bloody cupboard under the stairs for ten years of his life, and wore clothes that were ten sizes too big on him? Nobody! Nobody cared when I didn't show up to school because I had three bruised ribs and a broken arm. Nobody cared when I showed up to school with skin peeling off of my face because my aunt spilled her cup of tea on it." Harry ignored the gasps as he spat out, "why the fuck would anybody care that I am alone? That I always am?" He closed his eyes again, and tried very hard not to let the tears slip out of his eye lids. "That I push people away because people close to me die. Mum… Dad… Siri.."
Hands let him go, and though he didn't know who said it, he opened his eyes and looked at the twins with a pleading expression on his face. "And that's why I will remain to be alone. Because I'm not going to risk-."
Harry was cut off when a warm hand pressed against his mouth, and George came over, after Episkeying his nose right, and looked down at Harry from his place beside Fred. "Harry, right now, we're going to give you two options. Number one, you shut up and let us snog you crazy until you admit that EVERYTHING you just said was wrong."
"And number two?" Harry mumbled through the half an inch of bone and flesh that consisted of the width of the warm hand covering his mouth.
"Number two, we tell you how much of an idiot you are, and get you to admit your feelings for him." Harry's eyes widened at the two of them.
"Because we know Harry, and we also know that he returns your feelings."
"And now all that it takes is for the two of you to tell each other."
Harry opened his mouth to tell them that they were wrong, when Fred, who was still sitting on top of him, asked. "So what is your decision?"
The smirk that graced Harry's lips should have warned him as to what was about to happen when Harry rolled to the side and pressed Fred into the floor instead, holding the redheads arms above his head. "I'll give you one option. Prove me wrong in the next ten seconds or get the hell ou-."Harry stopped when soft lips pressed against his aggressively.
"Bloody hell." Ron hissed. "my best mate is kissing my brother."
Harry rolled to the side, effectively ending the kiss. "If you two know about him… then why are you doing this?"
"Because we've loved you since we helped you get your trunk on the train in your first year, and we wanted to take this opportunity-."
"to both tell you that you're being a putz, and to have the memory of kissing you once to carry away when this is all over."
"Why would you love me?"
"Why do you love him?"
Harry thought for a moment. "Because he's the only person who has never treated me different. He is the one constant in my life that has never ostracized me at one point in time."
"Fred and I-." George started.
"First year when Hermione, Neville, and I lost one hundred and fifty points. Everybody treated me differently, except for him."
When Harry woke up on the fourth morning since his class had turned into snakes, he found himself covered with warm bodies… human bodies. In the two seconds it took for him to realize this, Harry let out a loud yell. "WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK!"
"Severus," Dumbledore said quietly, peeking over his twined fingers at the resident Potions Master. "What can I do for you today?"
But Severus Snape was looking out of the window that overlooked the grounds of Hogwarts. "You could be quiet so that I can think."
The deep blue eyes twinkled at the surly man. "Take all the time that you need Severus, and then I can point you in the right direction."
Black eyes turned to him and narrowed. "Right direction towards what?"
Harry was lying on his back in a small clearing in the Forbidden Forest, arms cushioning his head as he stared up at the leaves. He had spent a couple of days speaking with Fred and George, and one of them told him to try and imagine his life without Severus Snape. And in the week that they had all, sans Fred and George, returned to Hogwarts, Harry realized that he couldn't. He couldn't imagine a decade… a year.. or even just a day that didn't in some obscure shape, way, or form involve the 'greasy haired git', the 'insufferable bat', or as a lot of the Gryffindors called him 'annoying arsehole'.
And during that time he had slowly been coming to terms with the fact that he was irrevocably in love with the elder man. He didn't even know why he had returned to Hogwarts. Maybe it was because he was sure that if he had stayed in a house alone with Fred and George Weasley, he might have finally lost his virginity, and that was something, that despite the modern day and age, that he wanted to save for the person that he loved, and who loved him back. That and, though the kiss between Fred and him had been nice it was nothing compared to the feeling that he got just from hearing his loves voice. He didn't go to classes, he had Hermione and Ron tell him what the assignments were, and sent them with them when he had them completed. He wanted to be in his home, but he didn't want to be there alone.
He suddenly stood up and started making his way towards the castle. If he wanted to be with the man of his dreams, nay, his existence, then he needed to prove to the man that he loved him. He had to show him that he cared.
Not for the first time, the absence of Harry Potter was noticed in the Great Hall. He had rarely been seen at all since his return from Godrics Hollow, which is rumored where he had gone. When the post owls arrived a small group of owls carried a box with hole in it towards a bedraggled Severus Snape, who was, for all intents and purposes moping sullenly over his bowl of oatmeal. He didn't notice the eyes following the medium sized box, didn't notice that Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling brighter than ever, and he probably wouldn't have noticed that the box was sat down in front of him if it hadn't have been dropped harshly right on top of his bowl of hot cereal. "Bloody birds." He muttered, giving the package an odd look.
He reached his hand out to open it, when there was a whimper from the inside. The crowd watched in bated silence as their professor pulled out his wand and pointed it at the box. He waved his hand, casting a wordless spell that caused the box to fall apart, and he stared at the puppy that stood with it's tail wagging rapidly, black fur glistening in the morning light that entered through the plentiful windows that surrounded the room. "Woof. Bark. Grrr." Came from the dark haired puppy, who had a light patch of fur on his forehead.
"Well aren't you adorable?" The grouchy man asked softly, though he vehemently denied it when asked about it later. He reached his hand out and scratched the puppy behind the ear.
"Riii rough roooo." The puppy whined, causing the hook nosed man to freeze.
"Riii rough roooo."
Obsidian eyes turned towards the headmaster. "Albus, what did you put in my drink? I'm hallucinating."
"Riii rough roooo 'revrus."
He turned back towards the dog. "Well whatever it is must have been strong because I could have sworn that this mutt just said my name."
Suddenly the dog started shifting until Harry Potter was sitting atop the table. "I'll have you know that my Animagus form is a purebred black lab.. puppy. But I am in no way a mutt."
Snape rolled his eyes. "Sure, and I'm not a snarky bastard, kindly remove your ass from my food so that I may continue eating my breakfast."
"First I think that I deserve a response to my previous statement."
Severus snorted and slumped down into his chair, still oblivious to the curious looks that he and Harry were getting. "I already responded."
Harry suddenly leaned forward, and placing a hand on each side of his head, moved so close that their noses were nearly touching. "I meant that I think I deserve a response to the fact that I told you I love you." The boy smiled at his sudden intake of breath. "Because it's true. It has been for years. And I think that it's finally time to act upon it. So this is your opportunity to say no, because I can promise you that I can't guarantee another."
"You love me?"
Harry looked taken aback for about a second before nodding. "Absolutely."
That seemed to be the only confirmation that the potions master needed, as he snaked his hands around Harry's waist and yanked the green eyed man into him. Harry sighed into the lips, leaning further into the kiss that had everything that the kiss with the red head had lacked. As his arms tightened around the elders neck, he thought back to the last couple of weeks, and realized something. He was completely bonkers for taking so long to do this.