Disclaimer: I don't own Mario, nor the idea of Bowser running amok as a human.

Author's Notes: I first read a Bowser-turns-human story years ago (Bowser the Bishonen by Mikaristar (now Chapter 52 of her compilation archive, Vacation)), and I've always enjoyed Scott Falco's animated version of Hyadain's "Super Mario Western Show" song (YouTube it), but my desire to take a whack at the "genre" didn't start until after reading Finite Incantantum by DymondGold (still in-progress), and then getting further pumped up by the Human Bowser comic by Yoshi317 (on DeviantArt). As you can guess from the title, Beauty and the Beast (the Disney version) was also an inspiration for the plot, as was the opening of the anime Eden of the East, and I borrowed some factoids from BS Super Mario USA, the obscure Japan-only sequel to the American version of Super Mario Bros. 2 (it's a long story).

Rated for mature themes and violence; I originally made this M-rated, since there's nudity, but upon further reflection, it's played for laughs, and the really naughty bits aren't described anyway, so it should be fine as T, right?


Beauty in the Beast

Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
I've got a remedy
Oh, uh oh, uh oh.

- "Remedy", Little Boots

Chapter 1: Dream

"Why are we here again?"

"We're having a picnic."

"That's lame. You're so lame, haggy."

"Well I'm sorry, Your Unenthusiasticness – if you want, we can always go back and not eat this delicious meal…"

"Hey now, I didn't say that!"

"Will you two stop bickering!"

"EXCUSE ME?"

Kamek winced as Bowser rounded on him, but he had a good reason for interrupting the Koopa King and Kammy's routine squabbling, and pointed to the sky. "That door just appeared."

"Huh?" Bowser looked up at the small door and the stairs that seemed to form right out of thin air. "Who would build a door in the middle of the sky?"

"It's a magic door – to Subcon," explained Kammy. "Mario, Luigi and Peach encountered one a few years ago."

"Weird. I wonder why one would appear here in…" Looking around at the bright grassy field, Bowser suddenly found himself very confused. "…this… isn't Dark Land." He rounded on the Magikoopas. "What the hell, guys?"

"What're you looking at us for?" said Kamek defensively.

"I don't remember coming to the Mushroom Kingdom, so you must've brought me here for your stupid picnic!"

"We did no such thing, Your Accusatoryness," protested Kammy, looking around at their surroundings. "I don't know how we got here either."

"Me neither – I don't remember leaving the castle. The last thing I remember was…"

"Dinner!" said Bowser, snapping his fingers. "I remember now: we were having dinner, and then I went to bed."

"So did I," said Kammy.

"Me too," added Kamek.

"So what? We all sleepwalked here?" frowned Bowser.

Kamek shook his head. "No, sire, I think we're still asleep."

"You mean…"

"Yes, Your Comprehendingness, this is a dream," nodded Kammy.

"I'm sharing a dream with you two old fogeys? Ewwwwww," Bowser shuddered.

"Hey!" huffed Kamek. "I'll let you know I'm still ahead of all the latest trends and-"

"I order you both to get out of my dream NOW!"

"It's not that simple, Your Demandingness!" said Kammy.

"Not if I wake you up with a few good fire blasts!"

"You're supposed to use pinches to wake someone up!" quailed the old witch.

"Psh, like I'm gonna pinch you, ya dirty old-"

"Excuuuuse me."

Bowser and the Magikoopas turned to find that they were no longer alone in the knoll: a frog almost as tall as Bowser and decked out in a crown and a blue cape trimmed in gold was standing before them.

"Who're you?" demanded Bowser.

"I am the great Wart!" responded the frog king.

"I've heard of you," volunteered Kammy. "You attacked Subcon, and the locals had to call in Mario to get rid of you."

Wart scowled at the memory. "Yes, Mario, Luigi, Peach and their little Toad friend defeated me, not once but twice. As you can imagine, that did not leave a good taste in my mouth."

"Especially considering they defeated you with vegetables," sneered Kammy.

Wart's scowl darkened, but he decided to ignore the witch for now and looked back up at her king. "Enough with the… pleasantries… I am here to offer you an alliance with me and my army of 8 Bits."

"What would I need with an alliance with dream people?" snorted Bowser.

"We are not going to be constrained within the dreams for long," grinned Wart sinisterly. "Since my defeats in Subcon, I have traveled far and wide through the dreams of beings from all dimensions. Swordsmen and living pink puffballs and giant chameleons-"

"Yadda yadda, get to the point," interrupted Bowser impatiently.

Wart's eyes narrowed dangerously. "The point is that I have figured out how to control the dreams of others, and use that influence to affect them in the real world too. I plan to invade the waking world, and use those powers to subdue Mario, Luigi, Peach, Toad and all else who oppose me! Since you are also the enemy of Mario, I figured I'd see if you would join me: it would make things much easier for me-"

"Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there," said Bowser, holding up an arresting hand. "First of all, no one messes with Peach when I'm around, got that? And second of all, if anyone's taking over the world, it's gonna be me – and I'm sure as hell not gonna help make it easier for someone else to try to take it over. Now, kindly get out of my dream: I already have Kammy uglying up the scenery, I don't need your warty ass in here too."

Wart's face broke into a twisted grin. "I had a feeling you'd down my generous proposal. Wah ha ha ha ha hah!" as Wart started to laugh, the sunny skies immediately turned dark and stormy, and a vicious wind began to whip through the hills as the grass beneath the Koopas' feet shriveled and died.

"Wuh- What the hell is going on!?" shouted Bowser in alarm as Wart began to float away back towards the door.

"You should have taken me up on my offer – I can't afford to have you interfering with my plans," said Wart, his eyes now glowing a brilliant white. "But I suppose I should thank you – you've given me a perfect opportunity to test out my powers on the Mushroom World."

"Why you- GET BACK HERE!" roared Bowser, charging towards the stairs and glaring up at Wart. "No one uses the King of the Koopas as a guinea pig!" But when he tried to blast a fireball towards the monstrous frog, all that escaped his maw was a pitiful puff of smoke and a barrage of coughing.

"Your Dousedness!" cried Kammy, hurrying forward with Kamek as Bowser caught his breath and started up the stairs.

"GIVE ME MY FIRE BACK!" he bellowed.

"Wah ha ha ha! I don't think so. Sweet dreams, Bowser Koopa. Wah ha ha!" suddenly the stairs beneath Bowser's feet dematerialized, and with an enraged roar he fell into the swirling black vortex that was now his dream world, while Kammy and Kamek struggled and failed to fly their broomsticks against the winds, soon joining their king as the maelstrom sucked them away, with Wart's laughter still ringing in their heads.