Disclaimer: I own not and make no money off of this.

Warnings: Frank discussion of DMDs.

Notes: Request for fivesentencesmut, and I had to jump all over that shit.

I Shit You Not
by Fairady

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When the tentacles tied us up I immediately blamed John, I'd told him to get rid of that nasty Japanese porn or it'd come back and bite him in the ass, I just hadn't figured it'd be so quickly or literally, which is what I get for being optimistic.

"Dave, Dave, Dave," a flick of the slimy tentacle near my face punctuated each syllable, John talked in the perfectly reasonable tone of voice he only uses when he's about ready to say something totally unreasonable, "open my pants."

It was a testament to how fucked up our lives were now that I didn't immediately protest when I felt the cold zipper press into the one hand I had that was somewhat free, fumbling the zipper down I once again questioned the choices I'd made in life, "Let me guess, it'll be so jealous of the size of your dick it'll let us go, or, wait, you're going to dick whip it into submission."

"Hey, nice ideas, we'll try those first," John wriggled wildly and my hand went into a dark place where no man's hand should ever venture, I cringed as I realized I now knew John was going commando, and the constant viewing of porn had conditioned a strange Pavlovian response in him, "if not, then you can give me that handjob you've owed me since high school."

There is no delicate way to say what happened next, just that I found myself holding a hot and hard dick that most certainly wasn't mine, and the tentacles -which had gotten way too close to my ass for comfort- recoiled from John's dick; experimentally I whacked the tentacles holding my wrist and they flew away from John's junk, "Oh, fuck my life."

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