A/N: I'm back! Sorry for the delay! Real life has been a butt kicker lately. This story picks up the Monday after Through the Looking Glass. Time for JJ to get back to work as the drugs make their way out of her system. Luckily she has a hell of a support group around her.
Hope y'all enjoy it!
Kendle Manton steps into the waiting room and smiles at JJ. "Jennifer, hi. Everything okay?"
"Um, not exactly. Do you have maybe 5 minutes for me?"
Kendle sees the desperation in the blue eyes and nods. "Of course. Come on back to my office."
JJ follows the doctor. Her stomach is roiling with acid. She was supposed to be on her way to see Dr. Westfallen but had postponed that appointment, needing this doctor more right now. When they reach the office, Kendle gestures to a chair as she steps behind her desk.
"Have a seat and tell me what's haunting those eyes. Are you reconsidering getting pregnant?"
"Yes. No. Sort of. Shit." JJ takes a deep breath. "I…we had a case. I accidently got dosed with a combination of PCP, Rohipnol and Mushrooms."
Kendle's eyes widen. "Oh, my God! That was you? I saw the press conference and, shit, just never put 2 and 2 together. Are you okay?"
JJ shrugs. "Supposedly I'm okay. But I'm kind of torn up inside. Dr. Manton…the baby…I mean, can I even have one now?"
Kendle moves to the front of her desk and kneels down in front of JJ. "Jennifer, you were dosed 1 time. That's it. One. Time. PCP is the one that will be in your system the longest and it will be out in 8-10 days. When we get close to your insemination date we'll do whatever test you want to show you are okay. But listen to me: you and the baby will be fine. You're not a regular user. Your body will get rid of that shit in no time. Do you hear me?"
JJ nods, wiping a tear from her cheek. "Yeah, I hear you," she croaks. "I'm just so scared I could hurt a baby. I don't want to hurt a baby, Dr. Manton."
Kendle squeezes her hands comfortingly. "You won't." She considers her next statement carefully. "There are all sorts of tests that are expensive and unnecessary. But you and your wife have the funds at your disposal to take them all. I will tell you now and I'll tell you later: you won't need them. But if they will give you peace of mind, we'll run them, okay?"
JJ nods. "Okay."
"And if there is even a hint of a chance that something in your body could hurt that baby, I will tell you. I promise."
"Thank you, Dr. Manton."
"Anytime, Jennifer. I mean that: any questions about this, any concerns, call me. I plan to help you get through your pregnancy the same way I helped Emily with hers." She grins. "Well, maybe without all the blood pressure drama this time."
JJ chuckles. "Yeah, we can skip that. We'll just worry about my brief foray into the drug culture."
Kendle pats JJ's leg. "I don't plan to worry. I know you'll be just fine."
JJ stands. "Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm still a bit shaky after all that happened but I'm getting better. In fact, I'm heading to my shrink next."
Kendle smiles. "Good. I'm glad you're getting help with all this. I can't even imagine what you went through. I'm just so happy you're okay."
JJ nods. "Me, too. Uh, Dr. Manton, there's one more thing you can help me with."
Manton smiles and nods when JJ makes her request. JJ sighs in relief. It is one way she can protect herself though she hopes it won't be necessary.
Twenty minutes later JJ is pulling up outside of Dr. Westfallen's office. She hurries in, only 10 minutes late for her appointment.
"Hi, Dr. Westfallen."
"Hello, Jennifer. I was worried when you said you'd be late, especially after the news reports."
JJ grins. "You knew it was me Hotch was talking about?"
"Well, I recognized your boss from photos you've shown me. I knew he had to be talking about you or Emily and I was scared for both of you."
JJ sits back on the couch, her hands clenched in her lap. "It was me. I…I beat the crap out of my team. Shit, if Morgan and Emily hadn't got me under control who the hell knows what I would have done. And then…oh, damn, Doc, I was so horrible to them. To Emily and Derek and my mom and brother. I said horrible, vile things to them; made terrible accusations. They've forgiven me but…well, I'm still sort of struggling with it."
"I'm not surprised. I think most people would have a hard time with moving on in your shoes. What bothers you the most about what you said and did?"
JJ stares at the ceiling. "Several things. The worst part is…is I don't remember any of it. Complete narcotic blackout. They've forgiven me for things I don't even remember."
"And they won't tell you everything, will they?"
JJ shakes her head. "Nope. Keep saying it's no big deal; that's it's already forgiven and forgotten."
"Do you know anything?"
"I know I accused Emily of wanting to have an affair with Derek. I think I accused him of the same thing. And Emily said I kept saying that my mother wished Amy had lived and I had died instead."
"Oh, Jennifer, surely you don't believe any of that?"
"NO! Of course not. Emily keeps telling me it was just my insecurities from childhood manifesting themselves due to the drugs."
Westfallen nods. "Sounds right to me."
"Me, too. It still hurts. Maybe if I could actually remember doing any of it I could forgive myself. But instead I can't help but think they are hiding things to protect me when they really would rather ask me why the hell I was thinking that about them."
Westfallen studies JJ a moment, the woman's right hand is clenched protectively over her wedding rings. The doctor raises an eyebrow.
"Jennifer, what happened between you and Emily that has you scared of your relationship?"
"Your rings. You're protecting your wedding rings."
JJ looks down and sees what the doctor is looking at. The blonde gently draws her thumb over her diamond. She takes a deep breath.
"I…I was going to rape her," she whispers.
Westfallen's jaw drops. "Emily? When?"
"That's how they knew I was drugged. I was eating lunch and…and I started to get hot. I don't remember anything more but Emily has scratches on her chest where I ripped her shirt open. I've Googled the effects of the drugs I was on. And I know I had to have gone after her…sexually. And if she and Morgan hadn't taken me down, I would have forced myself on her." She looks up at Westfallen. "Where the hell did that come from?"
"Jennifer, you know in your heart that we are all capable of unspeakable evil. But not everyone acts on that evil within them. That comes down to choice. You had no choice. I can quote you facts and studies that will explain how the drugs you were on removed your inhibitions and, essentially, your conscience. Your moral compass was magnetized, Jennifer, causing your actions to go against your character. What you did, what you said, were all products of the narcotic in your system."
JJ considers that for a moment. "I kind of see that. It will still take time to get rid of the guilt."
Westfallen smiles. "I'm sure it will."
They spend the rest of the time working on ways for JJ to come to grips with the things she had experienced and her remorse over those things she doesn't even remember. By the time she leaves she feels a little better but knows she will need a few more days to work through everything.