PLEASE READ- so this story is actually a Beck/Tori/Jade fic, the main pairing is Jori, but it's from Beck's point of view and how he sees their relationship and his own feelings towards both the girls and so it does involve Beck/Tori and Beck/Jade as well. So, if you hate that kind of thing, I really would suggest not reading this. Yeah, it's also really angsty. So be warned.
It's not even about fucking anymore. You don't know what it's about. Your relationship burns and destroys everyone and everything it touches. Cos she's fragile and this whole thing could come crumbling down around you with the wrong word or a misplaced gesture but you can't stop, you continue with the lie that is your relationship as everything changes around you.
School's coming to end, and there's nothing for anyone to do anymore but just wait it out. Finish these last days until real life kicks in and suddenly you have to make your own way in the world. The parties get louder and the alcohol stronger and it's almost like everyone is trying to kill themselves, just to stay trapped in the wonder that is adolescence.
Your friends are different too, each of them turning into something that little bit more broken; you don't try and fix it. You don't try and keep it the way it used to be because that's not real. Robbie stands silently in the middle of the dance floor, occasionally getting pushed by someone, but never pushing back. He tried to save everyone, pulling and grabbing at each one of his friends, desperate to keep them close together but it never really worked out, everyone faded away like childhood ideals.
Cat straddles some guys lap, her hands fisted in his hair as she rocks back and forth and her grabs her waist fiercely. Robbie doesn't look at her. It's when she lets out a gasp and tilts her head back for him to lick and suck at her neck that Robbie leaves. He doesn't say goodbye. You watch as Andre grabs the joint from Cat's fingers, sticking it in his own mouth and running after Robbie, Cat just peers after him bemusedly for a second, before returning her attention to the guy beneath her.
Jade reaches across you from where she's sat beside you, and tugs the bottle out of your hand, tilting it up to her lips. You watch the liquid that trickles out of the corner of her mouth and down her neck. You trace the outline of her jaw with your eyes, not sure how touching her would go down at the moment. She pushes a hand through her hair, sweat from the club glistening on her forehead and sticking strands of her hair to her neck. Her eyes watch the movement around her bored, her foot tapping on the ground in no particular rhythm. She stiffens, her back straightening upright and her eyes hardening.
You don't know why you do it. It's masochistic and you'll only regret watching the interaction. You'll hate yourself for it when you finally get back to the RV tonight and she's not beside you, and you'll overthink every little gesture that passes between them, but you have to, you have to look. So you do.
And sure enough there's Tori. She stands in the entrance to the club, a small smirk on her face. Of all of them, she's the most different. Kind, sweet Tori is gone. Well she's not, there's glimpses of her every now and then, a smile, a laugh, a nice gesture that makes you think that maybe she'll come back. But then she sticks the cigarette between her lips or her sleeves ride up and you see the fading scars and it's proof that she's gone. Jade's eyes stare and you can't really blame her, because Tori looks hot. Like super hot. Her black top hugs her body and her shorts cut off mid-thigh. Thick, leather boots lace their way up above her ankles and her eyes are heavily lined. Gold chains hang just under her breasts and bracelets swarm their way up to her elbow. She chews at the inside of her cheek for a moment before a hand appears on her stomach, just grazing her boob.
Your eyes shoot to Jade's, whose jaw is now clenched and hands are curled into fists. There's no point in trying to drag her away. She'd hit you, then yell at you, then resume staring. It's all she seems to do now, stare at Tori.
A girl with violent purple hair stands beside Tori, her arms and legs covered with tattoos. Tori grins at her and tugs her forward, her teeth catching the girl's bottom lip and pulling. You don't flinch as the bottle Jade was holding smashes against the wall. You just follow her outside.
Cat sits in between Tori's legs and you smile a little at the sight. They both look so normal. Tori's body kind of shields the bones that protrude out of Cat's stomach now, and in turn with her hands fiddling with Tori's wrists, Tori's scars are hidden from view. They both squeal as Robbie and Andre jump into the pool, the water splashing across them. Cat stands, still between Tori's legs and you swallow and look away so you don't have to see her body, it makes you feel kind of sick, to see her bones. You turn back at her scream and grin as Tori bends over laughing, her long hair falling over her face as she cracks up as Cat's head breaks the surface of the water, a scowl on her face.
You pretend to not see Jade, stood by the garden gate, watching Tori as she laughs.
When she does finally enter, Tori is upstairs, and Cat, Andre and Robbie are playing volleyball in Cat's pool. She sits on the sunbed beside you and you ignore how strongly she smells of sex. She fucks other people, and you fuck other people and you both fuck each other. That's sort of how it goes now.
You wonder maybe if it's girls Jade looks for now. Tall, slim girls with long brunette hair and big doe eyes. You swallow and push the thought out of your head. You don't know how you're functioning in this relationship. Just that you are, because you love her.
And maybe it's a fucked up kind of love, full of nothing but hatred and anger at her for ruining you, for ruining all of your friends by making each and every one of them fall for her, destroying their group slowly and delicately, but it's still love and you can't imagine a life without her.
You watch your friends play in the water for a while, and just when you begin to wonder when it'll all go to Hell, Tori walks back outside. She doesn't see Jade, who'd stripped off to her underwear and was lying flat out on the sun bed, and so walks straight past her. She stops just in front of you and Jade, the sunlight peering out just slightly from the left of her. She pulls her hair up into a bun, her back stretching as she wraps a hair band around the pile of hair on top of her head. You glance slightly to the left; you wonder if there'll come a day when you get angry at Jade for checking her out. You used to be angry, you used to confront her about it, but she'd drop to her knees and look up at you through her eyelashes and you'd forget about it and let it go. You don't bring it up anymore.
It's hard not to look at Tori when she's openly on display like this. You can see Robbie gawking at her now as she stretches. Jade picks up an orange from the side and launches it at his head. It hits him square on the forehead and bounces off into the pool with a small splash. Jade smirks and leans back on her sunbed, pushing her sunglasses up onto her forehead. Tori turns around with a smile, which is quickly wiped off her face when she sees Jade. They stare at each other, having one of those infuriating, silent conversations. You pointedly look away as the corner of Jade's mouth tilts up in a genuine smile.
It's just kind of the unspoken crack in your relationship. You both fuck strangers. Jade wanting Tori should not be a big deal. But it is. Because Jade doesn't just want Tori. She wants Tori. And that difference will rip the pair of you apart eventually.
Or, maybe the unspoken crack is that you kind of want Tori too.
'Why'd you do it?'
She looks at you and arches an eyebrow, a trait that is so Jade you want to wipe it off her face because it does not belong there.
'Do what Beck?'
You gesture to the inside of her arm and she looks down, her eyes flicking immediately back up to gleam at you. A smirk pulls at the corner of her mouth.
'Do they scare you?' she drawls and you grab the smoke out of her fingers and suck hard, imagining it to be poison. You think you can feel it flow down your throat and into your lungs, fighting against an organ that keeps you alive.
'Do they scare you?' You repeat back to her and she smiles.
'It's all changing Beck. Can you feel it? Every single ounce of our perfect song-filled world is changing. It's falling down around us and I don't think we even care anymore. We're living like we're about to die, but it's the living that's gonna kill us,' she murmurs and looks back over the city.
You're sat on top of a roof. You don't know what building it is. Or how she convinced you it would be a good idea to come up here.
'We're way too young to be this empty.' She whispers and you pull her towards you, taking a deep breath as she rests her head in the crook of your neck. The sun falls underneath the Earth slowly, and you spend the time it spends fading trailing your fingers across the skin on Tori's arm and shoulder . She pulls away at the last bit of light and looks you dead in the eye, hair floating across her face. She leans in. You don't pull away.
Her lips are warm and she tastes slightly of smoke.
'Open your eyes now Beck,' she says quietly, urgently. 'Before you get hurt.'
She leaves you on the roof with a slow burning cigarette and no idea how to get down.
Of course they were paired together. And of course the project was about two girls who fall in love. Of course it was. Cos the universe works that fucking way. Jade's eyes were greedy when her name was called out with Tori's and you just worked on keeping your lunch in your stomach as a nice girl called Bea sits beside you with the song lyrics in her hand.
Jade doesn't even check Bea out like she would of done a couple of years ago. There's no possessive kiss to claim you as hers the way she would of done before. Instead she drops into the seat beside Tori, her bag making a loud thud on the ground as she lets it fall off her shoulder. Neither girl flinches.
Bea drags your attention back to her, pointing out parts of the song she thinks could be changed and wondering what your opinion is on the performance they do to the song. Bea listens like she really cares about what you're talking about and soon you find yourself really looking at her. She's the typical looking American girl, with long dyed blonde hair and a face fresh from any make up. You glance down to her wrists, your heart clenching strangely at the sight of nothing. She doesn't smell of smoke and you wonder if she's ever so much as sniffed alcohol in her life. You think probably not. While she's writing your eyes drift back over to Jade and Tori. Jade leans back in her chair and Tori's eyes narrow at her, her mouth moving at a quick pace as fast sounding words spill from her mouth. Tori's new image of calm and cool doesn't really work when she's with Jade. Jade can piss her off in less than a second, can bring out the frustrated, angry Tori of before with an eye roll and some carefully chosen words.
But then Jade leans forward in her chair, her fingers wrapping around Tori's wrists. The brunette freezes, and snaps her mouth close, her nostrils flaring angrily as Jade, presumably, speaks. Tori shakes her head angrily after a few minutes, standing up and leaning close to Jade's face spitting violent words at her that you're kind of glad you can't hear. Tori walks out of the room calmly, ignoring the new, shaking singing teacher. Jade grabs the music sheets from the table and glances back at the teacher.
'We're going to practise outside. Too stuffy in here.' Jade informs her steadily, her tone leaving no room for debate. She turns and looks at you, straight in the eye. You count to five in your head. She leaves at six.
You sigh heavily.
'Talk to me,'
You look at Bea. She smiles. You tell her everything.
Next week, the girl's perform. The song is angsty, from the artist t.A.T.u, and all about sexuality and wanting someone you can't have and you sit through their performance with your fingernails digging into skin. You stop when your palm bleeds.
A warm hand presses against your arm and Bea smiles at you slightly sadly. You think maybe you could of liked her. In another time. But not now. You don't know if you'll ever like anyone the way you do Jade. And you don't know if Jade will ever like anyone the way she likes Tori.
They're back at the club, Jade's dancing this time, her hands around the back of your head as she presses her ass back into you. You leave open mouthed kisses against her skin. It's hot and you've drunk too much, but Jade's full attention is on you, so you stay where you are.
That is, until Tori enters the room. Jade straightens up as she enters, Tori's hair looks thoroughly fucked and her eyeliner slightly smudged. Jade doesn't stop dancing, she stays as close to you as she was before and her hands still play with your hair, but her actions are stilted and slightly delayed. Like they're all for show.
You grimace as the purple haired girl from last week appears, her hands reaching for Tori. Her hair's kind of paler now, like a pastel purple and a black shirt is tucked into her shorts, her tights ripped. You ignore Jade's chuckle as Tori steps away from the girl's gesture, bringing her bottle of vodka up to her lips instead.
Tori fucks a lot of people, sometimes once, sometimes twice, never more. People have sort of accepted that about her now. She's a slut. And a well known slut, but people never talk about her cos Tori's fucking amazing at being brilliant. She smiles and laughs and somehow it doesn't matter to people that she'll open her legs to pretty much anyone.
Jade laughs harder as Tori pulls a random guy away from his dance partner and latches her mouth onto his, lifting her leg around his waist when the guy tugs at her thigh. The purple haired girl stands there.
Jade doesn't have a problem with Tori fucking guys. Or, not as a big a problem as her fucking girls.
She pulls you closer and hungrily kisses you, her tongue and yours moving against each other and fuck. It's been a long time since she's kissed you like this. Like it actually means anything. Like she actually wants something only you can give her.
She moves down your jaw, her teeth nipping at your jaw and her hand slowly making it's way down your chest. You open your eyes for a minute to see if anyone is watching when your gaze snags on Tori. You should of immediately reached for Jade's lips again, or guided her hand further south, but you didn't, instead you froze. Jade pulls away as you still and turns her head, following your eyeline.
The purple haired girl is still standing there. She taps the guy on the shoulder and when he pulls back slowly pushes herself in the gap between him and Tori. She takes Tori's face in her hands and runs her thumbs over Tori's lips. Tori's eyes are wide. The girl leans in and presses a gentle kiss to skin just underneath Tori's jaw, before standing on her tiptoes and pushing back Tori's hair as she murmurs words into the brunette's ear.
Then Tori kisses her. It will have been the third time she'll fuck her. It'll be the first time she's made an exception for anyone other than Jade.
Jade fucks you later on. Hard and fast and with no loving gestures or genuine passion. Just anger.
The beach is quiet, you didn't really expect it to be loud, but it's kinda eerily quiet. The fire blazes beside you and you tilt the bottle upwards, watching as Jade and Cat play in the waves. Andre's passed out beside you, and Tori and Robbie are sitting on some rocks a short while away, Tori clutching one of Robbie's hands between her own. After ten minutes or so, they jump down from the rocks and hug, Tori's hands gently raking through Robbie's hair for a few short seconds, she presses a kiss to his cheek and turns back to walk up the beach towards you as Robbie meanders down to the water's edge, his hands deep in his pockets.
You want her to turn away, walk away, smile but go and sit on her own somewhere. You're not sure you can stand to see her today. But she quietly kneels down in the sand beside you, pulling her legs out from underneath her and tucking up her legs. She's wearing shorts. Her tanned legs have sand pressed into them.
You're angry at her. It's unusual when you feel this emotion, you've just sort of faded into vague acceptance that she's the reason that Jade fucks other people, cos she pretends those other people are Tori, because something happened between them and then something else happened and now the two of them can barely stand to look at each other and you, you're caught in the middle of it, loving one girl so much it makes you feel sick sometimes, and distantly wanting the other as well, and knowing without a doubt that they both want each other.
'Maybe we should have sex.'
The words are spoken so quietly that you almost don't hear and you don't speak cos what the fuck is she expecting you to reply.
You look at her and damn she's beautiful. Typically, openly beautiful. She smiles and you realise why it is that people love her without even talking to her because Christ, how can they not? What you don't understand is why Jade fell for it. Cos Jade doesn't fall for anyone's crap, she's been putting up with Cat for long enough that big innocent eyes literally have no effect, but one look from Tori and it's like she's forgotten how to speak.
'Thought maybe you wouldn't hate me so much if you got to screw me.'
'I don't hate you Tori-'
'Beck.' She stops you and you don't finish your sentence. You don't hate her, hate is a strong word, you hate what she's doing.
'Leave her alone Tori. If you want me to like you more, leave her alone.'
She's silent and you know why. They're surprisingly selfish when it comes to each other, neither one able to stop. You don't know why but it's kind of like there's a part of each of them that exists only for each other, each girl needing the other one to feel complete.
'When you say leave her alone-'
'I mean stop talking to her. Stop looking at her. Stop mind fucking her. Stop emotion fucking her. Stop actually fucking her, if that is what you're doing. Just in general Tori, leave her the Hell alone.'
You watch as Tori's eyes flicker upwards to look at Jade. She's left Cat and Robbie to go and stand by herself, her black hair shifting with the gentle breeze as she looks out at the waves. Tori takes a deep shuddering breath.
'Will it fix us?' She asks and you shrug.
'It could be a start.'
She nods and stands up, smacking the sand off her bum and legs. 'Okay.'
'If you want me to Beck.' She walks off then, and you see the small flicker of a lighter and smoke from her cigarette or joint, you don't know, swirl up into the air.
You press the heel of your palm into your eyes until you see small yellow dots float across your vision. Tori and Jade were fucked up beforehand. Now, you don't even know what's going to happen. All you do know for certain, is that when Jade walks back to you, sitting down in between your legs and pressing your hand against her chest, just over her heart, it's easy to pretend that everything's fine.
It's about an hour later when you hear Tori's name yelled. Your heart beats hard in your chest, and Jade is sitting bolt upright in front of you, her head comically moving from side to side as she tries to figure out where the sound is coming from. Even Andre stirs from his sleep. Cat and Robbie stand up from the fire when you hear Tori laugh and reply to unknown voice.
You watch as the purple haired girl from the club darts directly into your vision, moving quickly towards the rocks as she throws your group a smile and little wave. Her face is illuminated by the fire light and she is pretty. Like really pretty, model kind of beautiful. Gorgeous in a way you can't quite figure out. Tori climbs out from the rocks, chucking her smoke into the sand and delicately tipping some sand over the top of it with her toe. Your hands wind around Jade's stomach and you pull her back towards you, your hands staying splayed across her tense stomach. You can't help but watch as the purple haired girl, Katy, begins to run towards Tori. Tori cackles hysterically as Katy jumps into her arms, winding her legs around Tori's back, her pumps falling off her feet and into the sand. Katy pushes Tori's hair away from her face, her fingers tangling in Tori's locks as she kisses her. Tori turns away from your group, her back to the fire as Katy continues to kiss her.
The rest of your group roll their eyes and go back to whatever it was they were doing before. Except for Cat, she looks at Jade for a moment, her teeth worrying her bottom lip until Jade looks her way and shakes her head. Cat's expression changes to one that looks like genuine sympathy and you drop your head onto Jade's shoulder, kissing her, trying to bring her attention away from Tori Vega, and back to you.
You don't dare move. You just stay where you are plastered to the side of the wall, your breathing shallow and your stomach churning as the two girls stand by the lockers, Tori angrily shoving books and folders into hers.
'You can't ignore me Vega, you've never been able to before. What makes you think you can start now?'
It used to make you smile. That Jade would treat you with kindness and warm smiles, never snapping or jumping down your throat at the slightest thing, the way she treated the others. Sure, she'd get pissed at you, but in her eyes she always had a legitimate reason for why she was doing what she was doing. But with Tori, Jade gets angry. And not just scream at you angry, vicious angry. Throwing sharp words that cut more than any knife ever will. But what gets to you the most, is that Tori takes those knifes and just throws them right back. They have no lines anymore, they've crossed them so many times, each hitting each in the place it will hurt most because they have no boundaries with each other. Sure, it's nice to be kind to someone, but only with someone you truly inexplicably trust, can you be vile.
'It's better this way Jade.' Tori replies, continuing to take out books and throw books back into her locker with a practised calm.
'Like fuck it is.' Jade hisses out and Tori shrugs, flicking open one of her books and gazing idly through the pages.
'Damn it Vega,' Jade almost yells, smacking the book out of Tori's hand and pushing the brunette against the locker, smirking slightly at the small yelp of pain Tori let's out.
'Why are you ignoring me?' Jade asks again, pushing closer to Tori than you've ever seen her get before. 'Did your little slut tell you to ignore me?'
'Her name is Katy-'
'I don't give a fuck.' Jade interrupt, her hands move from Tori's shoulders to tentatively slip up her neck and grasp her face.
'Jade…' Tori whispers and Jade shakes her head urgently, leaning her forehead against Tori's.
'I can't Tori. I can't anymore. You're just everywhere and it's like you live in my head and I can't get you the fuck out anymore.' Her voice is shattered, vulnerable and so angry and you're a guy, it's common knowledge that guys just don't cry but you can't help it. She's your Jade. Except she's not. She belongs, totally and completely, to Tori.
'Jade this is dangerous,' Tori replies, her face moving from side to side. And you can see how much she wants to touch. Her fingers flinch every now and then, jerking forward for a few minutes before she tugs them back to her side, balling her hands into fists. Her entire body seems to be leaning forward, like she wants to sink into Jade, but she keeps herself stiff and you know why, it's because you asked her too. Tori can smoke and fuck and cut and drink and do whatever the hell it is she wants, but she is still a loyal friend. She is still a good person.
'I don't care anymore. Vega, I don't, I can't'
And then they're kissing and you slam your eyes close because no God, it hurts. You know they've done this before, you saw it in the brief second of the kiss you caught. Tori submitted willingly, completely, the minute Jade moved in and you're sure that if Jade could have crawled inside of Tori to get as close to the other girl as she possibly could, she would of done it. You're stomach churns with bile and you want to rip them apart, cos it's one thing to know they've done this before, but it's a whole other to actually see it.
'Jade,' You hear Tori gasp out and you turn away so your back is pressed flat against the wall and you can't see anything but the wall opposite you. You can't see them, you can just hear them.
'Jade, we can't, Beck,' Tori moans and you can practically see Jade pull away, an eyebrow arched.
'When has that ever bothered you before?' Jade asks in surprise, and there's your confirmation. It's happened before. The realisation doesn't floor you like you thought it would, just sort of continuously beats against your heart; low, thundering blows that on their own will do nothing, but when their ongoing, the damage could be permanent.
'I was a bitch before-'
'You're always a bitch at the moment,' Jade breaks in, and she sounds almost fond. You hear Tori's locker slam shut.
'Jade, you chose Beck and,' Tori says quietly, you have to strain to hear her.
'Woah hold on one fucking minute,' Jade cries and you hear the thump of Tori being pushed back, again.
'I chose Beck?' She repeats Tori's earlier statement, disbelief evident in her tone.
'Yes, you did.' Tori replies, she sounds firm and you can imagine her with her chin stuck defiantly in the air, eyes blazing.
'When the fuck has this been about choosing?' Jade counters, her voice loud and you're amazed no one has come out to yell at them yet. But then, it's Jade West, you don't discipline her unless you're very very confident in yourself and not scared to die.
'How can you say that Jade? Life is about choices, you can't have both of us, this isn't some weird ménage a trois-' Tori practically shouts back and her words stop you for a moment. Maybe she's as stuck in this weird love triangle as you are. You think back to all the times Tori left the lunch table when you and Jade where being particulary affectionate, or all the times Tori skipped out on cinema trips because it's a well known fact what you and Jade get up to in the dark back row. Cos you have to see Jade lust after Tori, but she has to watch Jade never leave. Jade chose you.
It's all so fucked.
'You can't ask me to leave him.' Jade says, quieter now, her voice leaving no room for argument. You hear Tori sigh and a part of beaten, tired heart breaks for her.
'When have I ever asked that of you Jade? I'm just, I can't be your bit on the side anymore. It hurts Jade, to see you touch him, love him, it hurts,' Tori's crying now, her voice is thick and your stomach clenches again.
You sink down the wall, pushing your hands through your hair as you do so.
'You won't be able to stop this Vega,' Jade's desperate now, she's probably clutching onto Tori's wrist as she speaks. 'I can't stay away from you and you can't stay away from me-'
'I think it's for real this time Jade. You know I-'
'Don't you say that. Don't you fucking dare-' Jade swallows Tori's confession of love with her lips, and the sounds of kissing and desperate whimpers fill your ears once more.
'I have to go now,' Tori murmurs into the silence.
'Victoria please…' You've never heard Jade say that before. It's how you know she's falling apart. It's how you know she's breaking. You think maybe Tori knows it too because you hear her sob for a second.
'You are love Jade West.' You hear her cry and you swallow repeatedly, your eyes blinking furiously.
The hallway goes silent as the door to the school closes.
The group adjusts to Katy surprisingly well. It comes as no surprise to you that Katy is sarcastic and quick tempered, an intelligent retort burning on the tip of her tongue for whenever it's needed. It also comes as no surprise to you that she is completely, totally, in love with Tori. You think she must have been, to put up with Tori's crap.
You're all sat in some pizza place, the noise loud as Katy and Andre look over some song lyrics together, Andre hanging on Katy's every word. Your leg jogs incessantly under the table as you watch the door. It wouldn't surprise you if Jade didn't show. She knew Katy was going to be here. Her dislike for the girl is bordering on blind hatred, and Jade's not stupid. She knows if she shows, blows up in Katy's face and causes an argument, she'll have ruined Tori's night. Tori's also nervous, she sits almost opposite you, humming a tune you don't recognise under her breath as her fingers fold patterns into the napkin. Katy's hands drop on top of Tori's and Tori glances up in surprise, shooting Katy a nervous smile.
'Darling, you need to relax,' Katy murmurs too low for anyone else to hear, but you read her lips and lean forward a little yourself to catch their conversation.
'Sorry,' Tori replies and Katy shakes her head.
'Don't worry about it doll, just take deep breaths okay? It's gonna be fine.'
The bell above the door dings and you don't even look up to know it's her. Tori stiffens and it's obvious that she knows it as well. So Katy does the worst thing she could of possibly done, she leans forward and pulls Tori into a kiss.
Jade slides into the seat next to you, her hair bouncing in tight curls as she does. 'Christ,' she mutters with a disgusted expression and you kiss her on the cheek. Tori pulls away when she hears Jade speak and looks over at her, a blush blossoming onto her cheeks.
She doesn't bother introducing Katy, they don't exchange pleasantries. Katy doesn't talk to Jade, and Jade doesn't talk to Katy. What would be the point? Tori hums under her breath as she cuts up her pizza, dividing her pizza into strict straight lines. You don't point out that both Katy and Jade are watching her with a look of almost painful longing.
Katy pushes at her pile of chips before she looks up, her gaze snagging on Cat. Cat holds her glass of iced water between her hands, her bony wrists peeping out from the long sleeved top she's wearing. Cat looks out the window, her mind somewhere else as her big brown eyes stare out at nothing. You vaguely wonder how long it's been since she's eaten something. Katy looks at her thoughtfully for a moment. She then pushes the majority of her chips onto Tori's plate, grinning cheekily when Tori looks at her with wide eyes. With her empty plate in front of her she places the chips in a particular way, humming as she does so.
'Hey.' She says bluntly and Cat looks at her, eyes widening even more. A light smile drifts on her face, but it doesn't reach her eyes.
'You're beautiful.' Katy says and the table quietens down. Tori's watching Katy with a fascinated expression and Robbie sits beside Cat, watching her face carefully. Everyone ignores the tears forming in Cat's eyes.
Katy pushes the plate towards Cat, smiling happily at her. The chips form the word EAT. Cat looks down at them in shock, swallowing compulsively.
'You have permission. You do deserve to eat.' Katy says smiling. After a few moments of profound silence Katy draws Andre, Robbie and Tori back into conversation, slipping jokes into her conversation every now and then to make people laugh. Jade fiddles with your hair as you stare at her lovingly.
When it's time to leave, you can't help but nod happily at Cat's plate. It spells EA now.
You walk to the beach, everyone giggling and laughing together. When you reach the sand, Cat grabs onto Tori's hand and pulls her towards the water, Tori's laughter drifting back towards you.
'Come on chika,' Andre grins at Jade, grabbing her hand and pulling him behind her despite her grumbling. Robbie follows them, apologising profusely as he bumps into Jade's back. It's just you and Katy. She smiles and walks beside you, tucking her hands into her pockets.
'So…' She starts and you look down at her.
'So,' You repeat, she laughs a little awkwardly.
'My girlfriend's in love with yours.' She says bluntly and you stop. You look back at her and she stands beside you, bending over a little to take off her shoes.
'You noticed?' You ask and she laughs again, nodding.
'I don't think there's ever been anything more obvious.' She's smiling but you recognise the voice, the hurt behind her words. It sucks to know the one you want, wants someone else. Especially when you want that person so bad you'll stick with them, through whatever.
You and Katy don't talk anymore, the group comes back and your respective partners pop back up at your sides with warm smiles and gentle touches. The two of you are bound though, trapped loving someone with no way out. It's a huge piss take.
Tori laughs and you're certain if it wasn't for your hand tightly wrapped around Jade, she would of slapped her.
'Beck.' Jade says softly and you know she's asking you to leave, but you don't know if you can. Because Christ, Tori went missing for four whole days and Jade almost lost her fucking mind, and now Tori's back and laughing and there's no one else in Jade's house and anything could happen between them.
'Is that really a good idea?' You ask and Jade blinks. Tori leans against Jade's porch a cigarette between her lips as she looks between us.
'Where have you been?' You throw the question directly to Tori, who slowly takes the smoke out of her mouth and raises her eyebrows.
'Beck.' Jade says again, pushing at your stomach and you know it's because she's telling you to leave it, this is something she can handle, just turn, walk away. But you can't.
Cos damn it, you were worried about her too.
'Tori,' you say again but louder, and a smirk crosses her lips.
'Beck, calm down. I needed to get away for a bit. It's fine, nothing happened.' She replies, slightly patronisingly and you feel like hitting her yourself.
'Tori, no one knew where the fuck you were/' You scream this and her smirk disappears, her eyes blank.
'I had to get away.' She says again and you laugh hollowly.
'Oh really? Something so drastic you had to up and leave without telling your parents, your friends, your freaking girlfriend, who by the way has been slowly losing her mind. Was it really that bad?' I ask, stepping closer to her and she nods.
'What? Hmm, did you run out of cigarettes? Did you see a pretty girl you liked the look of but now you've got Katy you realised you couldn't fuck her? Did you decide that-'
'It was either I leave, or I stay here and fuck Jade.'
Her words stop me. I gape at her and she stares right back, her eyes angry. I didn't need to look at Jade to know it's not me she's gazing at.
'I missed her. I got drunk, very drunk. And I was this close Beck,' she says, holding her thumb and forefinger close together to demonstrate. 'I was going to kiss her and cry and beg her to be with me or run away with me or fuck me, and we both know there is no way in Hell that she would of said no. But I didn't. I called Cat and got her to drop me off at my aunts. I stayed away because otherwise I would of broken Katy's heart, and yours. I would of broken my promise to you. So the next time I do something that doesn't quite make sense in that pretty little head of yours, ask me about it first. Don't assume to understand anything I do.'
She left then, running down Jade's yard with her cigarette burning between her fingers. A cool hand pressed against my arm and I looked down to find Jade staring up at me with big, cold eyes.
'What promise Beck?'
You watch as they sit next to each other. You shouldn't have followed them, but Jade had screamed and cried so loud when she had found out that you were the reason that Tori had stayed away, and you were the reason Katy had suddenly become a huge part of Tori's life, and you were the reason that her and Tori were even more cracked than they had been before. So you followed. Like it was some kind of instinct she had found where Tori was in a matter of minutes, some open grassy field that overlooked the ocean. You stayed a couple of metres away, it was too dangerous to go any further, you needed to be able to move away as fast as you could if Jade noticed you were there.
'I think I thought I was in love with him.' Tori says, her voice drifting back towards you.
Your jaw drops and you quickly glance back at the girls to find Jade staring at Tori, her hand ripping up shreds of grass.
'You thought, you thought you were in love with my boyfriend?' Jade spat out and Tori laughed.
'Yeah,' Tori admitted, still laughing. 'I couldn't figure why I wanted to be around him, and hang out with him all the time if, I wasn't. Took me some time to realise, it was actually because I didn't know how else to get closer to you,'
Her voice thickens and you can tell she's close to tears suddenly. You shift uncomfortably from your place, examining the bark on the tree.
'Vega, don't start crying.'
'I am not crying.'
'You are so crying.'
They both laugh, you chance another look. Jade's leaning back on her hands, tilting her head up to the sun.
'How hard was it for you to stay away?' She asks after a few minutes and Tori glances back at her, you moved back behind the tree.
'Probably the hardest thing I'd ever done,' Tori confessed and you hear the rustling signalling Jade's sat up.
'I'm going to kiss you now Vega.'
You decide to take that moment to leave.
Nothing really changes. Jade stays yours, and Tori stays Katy's but it doesn't need to be explicit.
There's different kinds of love. You read in a book somewhere that it was suggested that everyone did have a true love, one person that fit them perfectly. But the chances of finding that person were so incredibly rare it hardly ever happened.
You're not saying that Tori and Vega were soulmates, far from it in fact. But they fit in ways that you know you never will. They fill the spaces of each, spaces inside them that you and Katy can't even touch. And it hurts, because Jade will never leave you.
You don't know what it is that made them decide that not being together was the right thing to do but you do know that if you and Jade ever get married, if you ever have kids and buy a house, if you ever settle for a normal life; all Victoria Vega will have to do is click her fingers and your Jade will go running.
The ending of school brings a kind of golden glow to Hollywood Arts, turning everything into kinda of like a television show, you and Jade are as strong as ever and the group seems to slowly be mending itself, tentative hands reaching out to one another again, apologising for being away so long and trying desperately to make it better.
Then Katy and Tori break up and it all crumbles down again.
Because Tori's hurt by it. Truly, honestly hurt by the fact that Katy broke things off. You think maybe Katy was a little bit too perfect to stay, she wasn't broken enough to slot into the shard of her heart that Tori had created for her. So, Tori cries sometimes and Andre takes away Tori's phone to stop her from texting Katy and it all feels a little bit strange. It's because for once, Jade is not the main priority in Tori Vega's life. The tears that are split are genuine and belong to someone else.
Jade doesn't comfort Tori, you don't expect her too. Instead she keeps her distance, makes sure she's never in the same place as Tori for too long and you know it's because she can't help but be smug. Tori is hers, and her break up with Katy simply reinforces this fact.
When you find Tori stood on top of a bridge, the cars speeding below her, you don't really know what to do. Part of you wants to run, turn away and hide, but you don't. You just stay there. Tori's hair is pulled up in a ponytail and you can see the tears rolling down her face. You want to save her you realise suddenly. It hits against your chest, carving into your skin and you realise just how badly you need her to survive.
Because Tori is part of your relationship with Jade. In a way, a sick twisted way, she is glue keeping to two of you together. You both want her, and you think maybe Tori wants both of you as well and you don't know if you'll be able to live without her. Cos if Tori goes, then Jade'll go too. You have no doubt of that.
'Come back Tori.'
'She's not going to choose me Beck.'
'Did you really want her too?'
'I, I… I don't know/' She screams and you take one step towards her.
'Come back Tori.'
'I'll make it better.'
You can't remember the exact words you said but an hour later she turns back off the bridge and walks towards you. You take her hand and drive her to a fair. The two of you go on rides and play games and eat candyfloss, holding hands and flirting together, both ignoring the texts beeping in your pocket from Jade. The little old lady at the hotdog stand behind you compliments you on your excellent choice of girlfriend when Tori offers her your place in the line. You don't correct her, just smile.
You go home and you realise that is the moment that could rip everything into tiny little pieces, too small to be put back together. She knows it too but she lets you lean in and her small warm hands slip under your top, tracing across your stomach. Tori's different to Jade, she's more submissive, more willing to give you what it is you want. You refuse to say that you 'made love' to her. But secretly, you think maybe you actually did. Because it awesome, but in a slow kind way. You saved her and she saved you and it was a little bit perfect.
The radio played old songs that neither of you know, but singers with raspy voices lulled you into a state of complete calmness. You pretended that this was your life, that Tori was yours and you were hers and neither of you knew the name Jade West and that this was a regular occurrence. You don't say anything when she cries as you push into her, because you kind of want to cry as well. So you just carry on, soothing her with actions instead of words, and she smiles through her tears and you realise that the only way you and Tori would ever be able to fully understand each other, fully connect, was through sex. Tori hums contendely to herself afterwards, throwing on an old gray jumper of yours as she leans against your chest, the two of you sharing a joint. It's hazy and blurry and beautiful and you fall asleep with her in your arms, tracing Jade's name across your skin.
You know when she gets up in the morning, dresses quickly and runs her fingertips over your lips that this was the first and last time you would ever fuck Tori Vega. She grins and kisses you and you laugh into the kiss and it's a bit awkward and neither of you had brushed your teeth but it didn't matter because it just was. She turns to walk out of your RV when you stop her.
'Take this.' You say softly and she looks at you for a minute. Her hands reach out and fold around the gray jumper you hold in your hand. You realise what this is and from the way she starts crying she knows it too.
This is you saying, here take this part of me. I think it would suit you better.
You wonder when she'll wear it.
You don't know how Jade found out you slept with her. Maybe someone saw Tori leaving in the morning, maybe Tori told her. You don't know, you find you actually don't care.
'You will never touch her again.'
She isn't angry. She's resigned. Like she knew all along. But she is serious, the words she speaks almost drown in the severity of her words. You are not to touch Tori again.
'I won't if you don't.' You reply and smile a little when she leaves.
On the last day of school your girlfriend Jade West, and one of your closest friends Victoria Vega go missing. Nothing is stolen, nothing is taken, all in all it's a pretty average day. Tori's parents cry, holding the note written by Tori against their chest. They refuse to tell the police what it says. Trina says nothing, not to any of Tori's friends. She looks at you for a moment, just watching. Cos for all of Trina's faults, she is strangely perceptive.
Andre cries, but he smiles at the same time, checking his phone every now and then to read messages from an unknown number and an unknown source. Cat takes the loss hard, and you think maybe this will shatter her. You know Robbie thinks so too. You all see the needle marks on the inside of her elbows. No one says anything. Tori would of known exactly what to say, and Jade probably would of rolled her eyes but gingerly hugged Cat anyway and the two of them would slowly piece back together the red-head. But they're not here. So they don't. And Cat falls further into a spiral that no one seems to be able to pull her out of. You always knew someone would be broken beyond repair. You don't think Cat deserves it.
Nobody knows where the girls went, or at what their plans were. They just decided to leave. It's suited them, you think, to just up and go. Decide that enough was enough. They were broken, but they were broken together, each holding the crushed pieces of each in their hands and carefully kissing the edges, hoping that maybe, someday, they'll seal themselves back together.
The investigation goes on for a while, and you feel like laughing every time the police question you. Because you have no idea where they went. All you know was that the day before Jade had sex with you, long and gentle, her entire attention solely on you. And that after Jade had slipped away, out of your RV, Tori had appeared out of nowhere, with a cigarette and a kiss and then disappeared just as quickly as she had arrived. You know you would never have let them go. When they left a part of you was ripped out with them, a very big, very important part. You don't think you'll get it back. You cry for Jade, and then you cry for Tori and just when it feels like it's all going to break down around you and there's nowhere for you to go, you just have to stay, stuck in this pain, the television or radio will turn on…
'…The two girls, Jade West and Victoria Vega were seen by Jeffery Key, boarding a bus. Key states that one of the girls, Victoria Vega, was smiling and wearing an old gray jumper as Jade West held tightly onto the sleeve.'