Kumeta Koji owns Sayonara, Zetsubou Sensei
Akamatsu Ken owns Mahou Sensei Negima and Love Hina.
All other mentioned works of fiction are the intellectual property of their creators or the corporations that legally stole said rights away from them.
OverMaster doesn't own either of them, and he isn't making a single cent out of this.
No celebrities, children or animals were harmed in the making of this fanfic.
With the Kimura Kaere stuff out of the way already, let's start!
The Resolution will not be Televised.
The phone rang way too early that morning.
"Commissioner Itoshiki," my assistant Jun-kun said over the line. "Resolution has struck again. This time it was Mahora. It's a slaughterhouse, sir..."
"I'm on my way," I sighed. After kissing my wives goodbye, I drove to Mahora Academy, finding it a veritable palace of bloody horrors. Even Sargeant Guts was weeping at the sights. Someone had crashed Mars down on the World Tree. I hate it when they do that. Generally, it shows they aren't kidding. Worse yet, there wered dead Negima characters everywhere. Even Evngeline-san was pinned to a wall, with a stake through her heart, her head sawed off, and her mouth filled with onions and garlic.
"They even got Jack Rakan, sir," Jun-kun told me. "What kind of world is this, when even Jack Rakan isn't safe? If Bobobo wasn't dead already, he'd be our first suspect, but things being what they are..."
"I'm in despair. This rash of impossible murders has left me in despair!" I said, mainly because it was what they expected from me, and I wanted to get it out the way as soon as possible. I looked at the bloodied 3-A blackboard, where someone had written in crimson, If you give us a miserable end, you'll get one. -Resolution.
I had many differences with the Akamatsu characters, but we had been friendly rivals most of the time, so this made it personal. I issued an order to place the Love Hina cast under protection and examined every clue left at the crime scene, but there was nothing to gain from it. No matter how much we analyzed, the clues took us nowhere. Where is Edogawa Conan when you really need him?
"Shouldn't we protect the Mao-chan, AI Love You and My Santa casts as well?" Jun-kun asked me.
"No, " I said. "No one ever remembers they exist, so they should be fine. Now, what if we—"
Sargeant Haga broke in. "Sir! We have a witness who claims having been attacked by Resolution!"
The young red-haired man sweated under our lights. "And then, she asked me which Emiya Shirou I was. She wanted to know if I was TV anime, manga, UBW movie, Heaven's Feel, Carnival Phantasm or Hollow Ataraxia. I told her I was from Kaleido Ilya, and she told me 'I'll be watching you', and disappeared. It was horrible!" he wailed. "Now, if my series ends up badly, she'll kill us all too! And people dies when they are killed! I don't know if I could live after that!"
"How was she?" I asked. "Any distinctive features? Eyepatch of Power? Magic Skirt? Leotard of Power? HIME marks? Did she change into a boy in contact with water?"
Emiya-san sniffled. "Well, it was dark, but she had generic anime cuteness. She was pretty, although it could have been just a Dude Looks Like a Lady. She looked young, but then again, maybe she was Really Seven Hundred Years Old. Or even Younger than they Look, who knows?"
I took notes and nodded. "I see. That's very informative despite telling us nothing in concrete. Jun-kun, place this man and his Lolis under protection. I'm going to question a few suspects."
"State your name."
He put the cigarette out, then chirped, "I'm Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town, and I'm going to be a Pokemon Master!"
"Yeah, yeah, keep telling yourself that, loser. You have been trying it for almost twenty years now, and you're still at the starting point. That's why you're killing those who at least have had endings, right? Out of pathological jealousy?"
"I don't know what are you talking about!"
"They saw you near Furinkan High School shortly before the Nerima Wrecking Crew massacre, smart guy."
"I was only looking for those panda and piglet rare Pokemon! You can't possibly believe I'm Resolution! It's been all over the papers, she's a girl! Ask Misty instead! Bitch's been acting crazy since we booted her out!"
"She's been in rehab, locked up, for the last few months, friend. Try something better. And we've watched the episode where you crossdressed. You were very convincing. Got tips from James, didn't you?"
"Okay, so I dress up at times! In my private time! So what? Are you going to arrest Waver Velvet and Bridget now, too? There's no way I could've killed the Negima cast!"
"Maybe you got a Legendary to help you. We know some of them are sweet for you..."
"I want my lawyer! What's taking that stupid Wright so long?"
Ketchum's longtime partner in crime wasn't of any more help.
"Pika pika pika pika! Pika pikachuuuuuu!"
Damn, he had a perfect alibi.
"Pika pika pika pika! Pika pi! Pikachuuuuuu!"
The little bastard knew the laws like the palm of his paw, too. We had to let him go... again.
One of these days, creep. One of these days...
"Admit it, Ikari. We know of your previous violent tendencies. You tried strangling your redhead girlfriend in that beach, and after wanking on her, too. And then you went and destroyed the world in Rebuild, too. Twice. That kind of mass murder is right up your alley, you little psycho..."
"Mustn't run away, mustn't run away, mustn't run away, mustn't run away..."
Over the next few weeks, the murders continued despite our department's best efforts. The School Rumble cast. The Kampfers. Panty and Stocking. K-On. Urusei Yatsura. XXX Holic. Tsubasa Reservoir. My Hime. My Otome. Code Geass. In my opinion, the killer was getting more cruel and less discriminatory, since I liked the end of Code Geass. And hadn't they understood you weren't supposed to take Panty and Stocking's seriously?
Naruto and his colleagues were getting hysterical, since they knew their series was closing to an end and wanted the killer caught before that. We questioned many more suspects. Ishihara. The blogger of Tenka Seiha. Tomino, for obvious reasons. Killer Croc, who was such a big fan of Rock Falls Everyone Dies. All dead ends. Until one day, inspiration struck me. All the pieces had fallen into place. I called all the suspects for a meeting, since I had read my Agatha Christie.
The Epic Resolution!
"The killer is in this very same room right now, " I said, hands on my desk. "As a matter of fact, the killer has been between us the whole time! She's been everywhere at all times, since she's God!"
"You can't prove anything!" Suzumiya Haruhi cried. "I'll just wish the evidence to disppear anyway!"
"Not you!" I said, pointing out. "It's you! Kaname Madoka-sama, isn't it?"
Madoka-san appeared sheepishly amongst us, in all her pink glory. "You've found me out, Sensei. Well played. Yes, indeed, I'm Resolution."
"Madoka!" Akemi Homura gasped. "Why... Why you?-!"
Madoka broke in bitter tears. "I had the perfect ending, Homura-chan! I had sacrificed myself for the good of all Megucas, gaining fandom's eternal worship! I had redeemed myself after being seen as nothing but a whiny, annoying Scrappy for so long! Best of it all, by ascending to a higher plane of existence, I had finally escaped your eternal nagging stalking! But now... But now, they are going to ruin all of that with a continuation movie! So I snapped! I had to! I was going to kill all the crappy endings before they could get me, too!"
"Oh..." Homura-san said. Beat. "Wait. I annoyed you?"
I felt very satisfied for another solved case for the short moments before Madoka-sama erased us from existence.
THE EVER LOVIN' END! SEE YA!