Well its been a while since I've updated... anything. Sorry about that. But I plan on working on things in the coming days. As a seal of my promise, I am uploading this one shot. I based it on the video and words of the song "I Want You" by Common (staring Kerry Washington and Alicia Keys). I will post the video on my tumblr (same name as here) or you can simply YouTube it. (That's a verb now right?) I ask that you please watch the video and listen to the words.
So I'm off to work but if you follow my writing be on the lookout for updates! And as always please:
Read, Enjoy, and review (happy Samcedes week btw)
I Want You:
"Stay cool" he told himself mentally, repetitiously as he wiped his free hand down the seams of his indigo denim, in a hope that it would act as an towel to his damp paws. "Stay cool"
But he couldn't. How could he? How could he show any resemblance of cool when his eyes kept darting to the unoccupied staircase of the Berry recreational basement. She was nowhere near, but his mind refused to let go of the premise that at any moment, she could descend down those stairs and back into his life. Even if for only a moment.
Taking another sip of his drink, he prayed in vein that it would automatically cool him off. Unfortunately, he failed to realize that his body heat radiated through its plastic, causing a thermos like effect, rapidly melting the cubes of ice, and creating even more condensation against his palm.
"Hey Sam!" Blaine beckoned right before he could drift in another round of mental chanting reminding him that he was suppose to be mingling. He was at a party after all. "Come here" the bright eyed brunette waived him over to the small group of classmates, including Tina and his current girlfriend.
Sam smiled as relaxed as possible as he sauntered over to the small assembly of edger teens. He lazily tossed his arm over Brittany's shoulders as he drawled "What's going on over here?" hoping that he hadn't been caught dazing towards the entrance, possibly tipping people off about what could possibly going through his mind.
"Nothing" Tina shrugged grinning kindly. Sam would never point out that the sweet smile that she wore, at some point had stopped reflecting in her eyes. Or maybe he was imagining any possible discontentment in her, scared that it was really a reflection of what he was so desperately trying to conceal. "We were just talking about..."
Sam began to drift again, his eyes darting quickly to the stairs once again as he threw in the obligatory "Oh really?" hoping it was in the correct place. Licking his lips he tried hard to focus on the conversation, however all voices seemed to fade as the loudest one echoed in his head. His mind was in a constant loop, trapped on one subject forcing his body to betray his wishes.
"Pull it together Evans" he demanded of himself. "It's not like this is the first time you'd be seeing her" he reasoned as he physically shifted his weight towards his new mate. And he was right, it wouldn't have been the first time seeing her since her big move. The move he helped facilitate. She had been home, actually more than he had ever expected. But she had been back. But, with each return, she seem different. She was a woman, mature, pose, and confident in her future. She seemed to glide as she strolled the halls of her former school, like she had learned a huge secret about the world, but she refused to share it with the rest of them.
And him? Well he was still Sam. But everything about him, compared to her now, seemed juvenile, remedial, and common. He felt as if he were be a peasant to her newly found wealth of knowledge. He was a kid, a child. And what would a child have in common with a full fledge woman? What conversations could they hold? What could he possibly do to hold her interest?
But it wasn't like that before she left. It didn't feel like she had not only outgrown him, but that she had out grown the old her. That because of the new life experiences she was having, and the new people she was interacting with along the way, that she had shed he old skin, and the fiery phoenix that she was destined to become had started. And all he could do was stand back, and be astonished by the transformation he was witnessing.
It was this thought process that prevented him from even talking to her whenever she found her way back home. Beyond pleasant greetings and cordial smiles, communication between them had all but died. But this didn't stop him from being drawn to her. When around he would orbit her sun. The closest he'd allowed himself to go was during the groups practice of the Hand Jive when he stood behind her. Being so close to her he swore he never danced so well in a practice before, as just her sheer energy radiated through him, causing him to move much more fluidly.
And he missed her.
He missed what they had. He missed being the reason for her laughter. He missed being the reason for her blush. He missed being the reason for her gentle sighs, and soft glances. He missed being a reason for any emotion that she would grant him. He missed being her reason.
Without realizing it, he gave Brittany a small squeeze, his mind snatching and grounding him back in reality. Reminding him, he had try to be a new persons reasons. And he liked Brittany. They were in the same place in life, at the same time. And that was left behind. Left behind while the people they loved grew up and on with their lives. They were frozen in time, as their loves got to fast forward to better things. She understood his hurt. And she was attractive, sweet, kind and innocent, and enthusiastically took on things she didn't understand. Everything, even the most basic of concepts, seemed new to her. It was refreshing in a way.
But it wasn't the same with Brittany. She wasn't her. She didn't get his jokes, his impressions, and although kind, her words of comfort failed to bring him any. And it wasn't because she wasn't trying or didn't put any effort into their relationship. It was because she wasn't his other half, just like he wasn't hers. He weakly smiled down at the blonde, wondering if she had the same list of complaints about him. That he wasn't passionate enough, forth right, or bitterly sweet, like her Santana was. Or was she really content in their relationship? This last though was the reason why he stayed, figuring if she could possibly find happiness in him, he would get completely there with her eventually.
And as he let his world wonder to a new set of questions, was when he heard it. The high pitch squeal that she seemed to elicit from her friends whenever she floated into a room.
"Mercedes!" Sugar screeched as she catapulted her small frame across the room into her embrace.
It was indeed Mercedes. Her hair the color of a sunrise, roots midnight black that softly transitioned to a light honey blond at her ends. Her smile was bright and easy as she entered the gathering. She scanned the scene one last time before stepping off of the last step causing her vantage point to be lost by her height.
Sam gulped his drink trying to drown the nervous knot forming in his throat. She seemed to be even more transformed by the rumored laid back living of the west coast. She cut through the sea of bodies easily stopping by each one to give a warm greeting or a kind embrace. When she made her way to his small group, his heart began to pound as heat rose to his ears. She tightly squeezed Tina in an embrace while simultaneously commenting on how good she looked and how much she missed her. Moving on to Blaine she gave him a quick peck on the cheek quickly whipping away the residue of her gloss off of his face with her thumb, as she they lightly chatted. Her eyes then moved on to Sam. Anticipation sky rocketed in him as her eyes focused in on his.
"Hey" She smiled cordially. Her eyes then swept in on the arm that was still draped around Brittany's shoulder. It was only for a quick moment, so short that a person who didn't know their history would have completely missed it. But that minuscule gesture caused his arm to turned into lead. He wanted to remove it, but why? They were not longer together and Brittany was his current girlfriend. "Guys" she quickly added with a slight strain in her smile.
"Hey!" Brittany said perkily.
"Hey" Sam said a millisecond after, in a dry unsure tone. But the awkward was already settling into the moment.
She looked around quickly between Tina and Blaine, Sam and Brittany, not speaking just seemingly observing. After an brief uncomfortable silence and searching how to continue the conversation, Mercedes began "So wha-"
"Mercedes Jones!" Unique called as he pulled her away, "You have to tell me what made you want to go ombre!"
Mercedes giggled lightly as she allowed herself to be pulled out of the no win situation she found herself in. When she was fully out of eye sight, Sam mentally let off a sigh of relief.
The rest of the night he stayed close to Brittany, being a gentleman of his word and honor. He joked and smiled with their friends, but ever so often, he would hear a laugh that would slice through him. His eye would fall on her and he would want to follow it, hurt that it wasn't him who created the moment for it to ring out. He would try to focus on the conversations they held with their classmates and former group members, even asking Brittany what she thought. But she at times seemed just as distracted as he did, making it much harder for him. In fact it made the whole situation exhausting. He required a break. Sam excused himself for a moment, giving his girlfriend a soft squeeze before he left, explaining he needed some air.
He escaped to Rachel's room, which at the moment doubled as the coat closet for the party taking place below. He hoped no one noticed his departure, wanting to be alone, even if just for a moment. Sam plopped down, mentally beat from his evening. He was being torn apart. He liked Brittany, but he could admit that he loved Mercedes. He still loved her and didn't know what to do about it. They were in a no win situation. She was a flower blooming and he was scared that he would be the weed that chocked out that thriving progress. But his heart felt like it was breaking every time he saw her.
Tossing himself against the bed, he stared at the ceiling as he laid across the coats. "It was over" he angrily thrashed around in his mind. But that didn't stop him from thinking about her, wanting to hold her when he looked at her, the urge to kiss her when their eyes met. She wasn't even in the room, but he could smell her perfume as it wafted through his nostrils, sparking great memories to surge. He felt like a man obsessed and wanted desperately to stop it. He squeezed his eyes shut, praying for a quite place in his mind, like he found in the Berry's house, where he could shut out his own voice, just for a moment.
"Sam?" he heard softly. He lifted his head to find Mercedes at the door way, a concerned look on her face. "You feeling okay?"
He sat up instantly repeating to himself "be cool Evans" but not missing the fact that this had been the first time since their break up that they had the opportunity to be alone in the same space with Mercedes. "Oh yeah" he said smoothing out his shirt, "I'm just thinking"
"Oh" she shrugged as she walked towards him, her proximity causing his blood to rush with each step. "Well it was good hanging out with everyone" she admitted sweetly. "You look good Sam"
"Yeah Mercedes" he agreed, his hand clasping each other, while he fought grabbing her and pulling her close. "You too." He gulped unsure of what else to add to the conversation to keep the awkward silence from chasing her away but to stall her obvious departure. "So you're leaving early? You just got here"
"Yeah" she agreed "But we have a family thing at my Granny's tomorrow so I have to get out of here so I can get up early" she shrugged.
Her answer was followed by an intense silence as they looked at each other. He wondered what she was thinking when she looked at him. Did she how he felt inside? An immature little boy, she was happy to be rid of? Or did she still see Sam? The boy who loved her so deeply he agreed it was best for her if he let her go? He searched her eyes deeply wanting to know what she was thinking, and why she was just standing over him in silence.
"Sam?" she finally spoke
"Yeah?" he responded nervous of what would be her next words.
"You're kind of on my coat" she pointed out. Sam looked back to find that he had been rolling around on her coat in particular as he wrestled with his mind. He was both hurt to find out that she had been looking to get her coat and not reveal any deep emotions, but also relived that there was a legitimate reason he smelled her perfume although she was nowhere in the room
"Oh" he said taking the garment in his hand as he slid it from under his body. "Sorry"
"It's okay" she giggled lightly as he handed it to her.
It was that giggle. It triggered something deep in Sam that he had been fighting. As she took the coat in her hand, in an attempt to retrieve it from him, she found that he held onto it tightly, as if he were refusing to let her leave. All with one giggle everything came flooding to the surface.
"Why didn't we fight for us?" He finally asked the question out loud that he had been wrestling with for months.
"Wha-What?" Mercedes stiffened, taken aback from his inquiry.
"Why didn't we fight for us Mercedes?" he repeated in a louder tone scooting towards the end of the bed.
"Sam" she sighed tugging her jacket closer in an attempt to free it from his grip. "Let it go"
"No!" he demanded as he rocketed to his feet keeping a firm grasp on her garment "Mercedes, why?"
"What does it matter?" she shot back gruffly. "We ended and it's over"
"Because" he answered taking a step closer "I don't know, we could be-"
"What Sam?!" she demanded "We could have been what? Alone wishing we could see each other? You here feeling trapped, and unable to enjoy your senior year? Me alone in LA wondering what you're doing, and with who? What kind of life is that huh? How is that okay for either one of us?" she inquired pulling her coat as she took another step back. "We had to end it okay? It's not like you're sitting at home missing me" she spat viciously as she took one last step back, finding herself against the door of Rachel's closet.
But he had. Most nights since her departure, he had been sitting in his room, alone, wishing he could simply hold her. Just the touch of her skin would at least gratify some of his need. His free hand shook as he pressed closer to her, towering over her petite body, the only space between them her coat. He wordlessly traced the soft lining of her lips with his thumb. The plump flesh quivered under his caress. His lips parted allowing his lungs to fill completely, as he focused on her skin. The tickle of her breath against his digits as it danced between them. The shaky heave of her chest against his torso. He pulled closer to her, his head dipping a bit, wanting a better look at her, and the result of their close proximity.
Mercedes eyes teared, revealing that she had missed him too. That her callous reaction was her survival mode, keeping her heart from completely breaking. And in a split second, Sam caught a glimpse of the girl he remembered. Vulnerable, unsure of what she wants, her emotions right under her skin. That's when he understood, under everything, she was just as hurt as he was.
As if she knew he had penetrated too deeply, she stiffened and turned her head, her gloss smearing a bit under the weight of his thumb, as she freed herself from his trance. "No Sam" she huffed as she simultaneously pushed him away while freeing her coat. Like lighting she was gone, quickly exiting the room, and soon after, the house.
And, just as she did when she left to peruse her dream the previous summer, Mercedes left Sam alone in an empty space. His body shook, shocked at how quickly and deeply she could affect him with no effort on her part. He plopped back down on the bed, adrenaline coursing through him, his hands still shaking.
"There you are" He heard in a light and airy voice. He lifted his head to find two bright blue eyes smiling. Brittany bounced into the room but stopped just short of him. She could automatically tell there was something wrong, by the glazed-over look in his eyes. "What's wrong?"
Sam rose from his seat, without a word. He pulled her into a hug, hoping she would ground the shaking that vibrated through him, anchoring him back into the present. "Everything" he mouthed as he heard a car pull off, and as his past escaped him again.