Disclaimer: Not mine.

Deals, Dates, & Deviants

It's two in the afternoon when Alice finally shows up at my door, pizza in hand. I laugh, because it's a tradition I didn't think would continue after I moved out.

"Well, hello, Alice." I step to the side and grin when she scrunches her face in annoyance and shoves the pizza box at me. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"Shut up." She huffs and kicks off her shoes. "What kind of friend would I be if I didn't show up with the obligatory 'sorry I bailed on you at the bar to go fuck my boyfriend' pizza?"

"Not a very good one," I laugh and lift the top of the box. I don't realize I'm hungry until I smell the cheesy goodness. Pepperoni with extra cheese. Mother fucking score.

"I feel like shit." She groans and falls on my couch like a limp ragdoll. "Do you have any beer? Vodka?"

"It's a little late for a hair of the dog, isn't it?" I ask, but I don't really give a shit. I have a date with the greasy heaven in front of me. She can drink everything in my kitchen for all I care.

"Jasper has to work tonight. I think I'm going to bypass the dog hair and just get shitfaced. It's the only thing that will make me not feel like I'm dying."

I slip into the kitchen and grab a beer. As I pass her on the way to my favorite chair, I drop it in her lap and take a bite of pizza. Oh, my god it's like my mouth is having sex. But with food. Because pizza doesn't have a penis. I might still be drunk. It's that or Edward fucked me stupid. I smile at the thought. If I'm gonna need a check on the third of the month because I'm deemed unable to function in society, I can't think of a better reason to list on the claim form. Disability: fucked senseless. I nod to myself. Seems legit to me.

"What the fuck are you grinning about over there? And where is your beer? Did I miss something?"

I shimmy the rest of the way to the chair with my pizza. Fuck yes, I shimmied. I have pizza now and a hot date later. That deserves a hip pop, too. "No can do, baby boo," I sing and sit across from her.

"Baby boo? Bella, are you high?"

I raise a brow at her. "Are you offering?"

"I'm going to tit punch you if you don't tell me what the fuck is going on." She tries to give me the stink eye, but instead she looks like she's having some weird hangover seizure.

"I have a date," I say all proper and enunciated and shit. I'm excited. Fucking sue me.

Alice takes a long pull from her beer, her eyes never leaving mine as she sits up. "A date?"

I give her a short nod. "Yup," I say with a smile, but refrain from popping my p. I don't care how excited I am, I'm not a fucking tool.

She looks at my shirt, then toward my bedroom. "I don't remember you being so quick on the trigger in the past. Usually after you have a one-night stand you tend to lie low." Her eyes widen comically, and I can't help but think of how much she looks like a character from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. "The shirt didn't work?" she exhales, her expression shocked and filled with disbelief.

I give her a pshaw and shake my head, cause really? Bitch please. That shirt always works. "Of course it worked. Who do you think you're dealing with?" I wave my hands down the front of my body and give her an indignant look. "This ain't amateur night at the Apollo."

She narrows her eyes, and I know she's tired of my bullshit. Tired and hungover. I don't hide my smile. Serves her right, the dirty ol' bastardette. "Bella," she warns. I want to mock her, but I want to brag about my killer fucking sex more.

"I have a date―" I pause to be as dramatic as possible because I know it's pissing her off and I'm stupid giddy about tonight so I don't give a shit. "―with my one night stand."

She rolls her eyes and snags a piece of pizza from the box I so generously set on the table in front of her. "Stop screwing around, Bella. Tell me what's really going on."

I straighten my back and look her in the eye because shit is about to get real. "I'm telling the truth. His name is Edward. He's fucking gorgeous, funny, and hot. He has a filthy mouth, a monster cock, and I'm completely smitten."

She's quiet for a year, or a minute, I have no idea. All I know is that the look on her face is making me squirm. And not in the good way like Edward did last night. I smile again. She smacks my arm. "What the fuck?" I ask, because damn it I have enough bruises. That thought makes me smile as well, but I manage to dodge her second blow. Sucker.

"Do you hear yourself? You're going out on a date with your one night stand, after said one night stand. One of these things is not like the other."

I roll my eyes, because the answer is obvious. "He stole my shirt." She jumps to her feet like her ass is on fire. I'm not sure what to make of the look on her face, but I'm a little scared.

"He did what?"

I furrow my brows and give her a look that clearly says 'simmer the fuck down' before I speak. "He took my shirt. He told me I wouldn't need it for a really long time, and if I did, all I needed to do was call him and he'd take care of me."

She shakes her head and plants her hands on her hips all sassy and shit. "Who the hell does he think he is telling you what you do and don't need? And isn't he the presumptuous asshole thinking you would want him to take care of your needs." She waves her hand in the air like she can swipe at the words floating in the air.

I purse my lips and cut my eyes to the side. I can't seem to be bothered by his actions. Not even a little.

"Aren't you mad?" she finally asks, exasperated.

I give her a not so apologetic look and shrug. "Not really. Did you miss the part where I said I was smitten? Cause that was a pretty important detail. Aside from the monster cock of course."

She falls back onto the couch with her mouth hanging open. "Bella Swan. Do you like a boy? Like, like him like him?"

I smile and drum my fingers on the tops of my thighs as I lean closer to her. "If I was back in school, I'd check that yes box so many times it would get off from the constant strokes of lead."

She laughs. "You're gross."

I nod. "And smitten. Don't forget smitten."

"How did this happen?"

I tap my finger to my chin and narrow my eyes. "I'd like to say it was because of the way he finger fucked me in the bar bathroom, but then I wouldn't be giving proper credit to the way he slammed me into the brick wall after I tried to give him head in an alley. And let's not forget the way―"

"Okay, I get it," she screeches, her hands held out in front of her like she can deflect my verbal assault. Sorry brah, it's not happening. I'm high on life. But I decide to just be honest with her and lay off the torture. I'm a cool bitch like that.

"Alice, I can't explain it, but I really like him. In a crazy, there is no way this is going to work way, and for some reason, he seems to feel the same." I shake my head. "I'm not going to miss the opportunity to find out where this could lead. And if it's nowhere, so be it. I'll have some awesome sex along the way and get my fucking shirt back. Or get a new one. It's seen enough action."

I try to sound light hearted and easy going about the situation, but the truth is, I don't want things to not work out. And that's fucking crazy because I just met this guy. I don't know anything about him other than he has shitty taste in women, myself excluded, obviously, and that he has some major issues with father time.

She watches me like a creeper before she nods. "So when is this date?"

I'm thankful that she doesn't press about my feelings. I relax back on the couch and grin. "Tonight."

"Tonight?" she gasps. "He's not wasting any time. You must have thrown the magic pussy at him."

"Alice," I scream, because is she fucking serious? My face heats as an embarrassed smile stretches across my face. But a part of me can't help but give myself a little fist pump because really, what guy asks for a date the next day? I've pussymatized him. It's about time that role was reversed. Point for womankind.

She grins and tries to appear innocent. She can sell that fake sentiment at some other swapmeet. Ain't nobody buying that Dullface and Embalmana here.

"I think we have a―" I hesitate and shift in my seat. "―a thing. I think he might feel that way too."

Alice's face becomes serious, and she lays her hand over mine. "Be careful, okay? Jasper's too stupid to survive in society if I get sent to prison for whacking some fool that hurt my girl."

I laugh and hug her because she's right. He really is too stupid. "I promise to not send you to the clink."

"This is why I love you. Well," she sighs and stands. "Since you're not going to help me get shitfaced I'm going to bounce. Expect drunk gangsta rap voicemails from me later."

"I would be worried if you didn't," I chuckle and walk her to the door. Before she gets too far into the hallway I grab her arm. I look at her with the most sincere face I can muster before I speak. "If by some shitty stroke of luck I was drunker than I realized and this guy looks like a fucking troll, I expect you to bail me out."

She grins and nods. "Codeword limp dick?"

I exhale in relief. "That's the one."

"Well, here's hoping I get no limp dick texts tonight." She gives me some half assed salute before disappearing down the hall. I turn and close the door, hoping she's right. I wonder if it would be off putting if I hung a 'no limp dicks allowed' sign on the front door. I'm pretty sure it would piss off my neighbors, so instead I decide to err on the side of caution and type out a come save my ass text and save it in my phone. A girl should always be prepared for the possibility of a bad date. Cabbage breath taught me that.

I shower, shave, buff, and tweeze every inch of my body as I prepare for my date with Edward. I can't help but laugh at the term date. As much as I'd like to believe the hot mysterious guy with the super cock and sexy tattoo wants to see me so soon because of my mesmerizing personality, I know what he really wants. He wants to hit this again. I look down at my body and grin. I really can't blame him. I'm kinda hot in the less is more kind of way. The less being my boobs, the more being the fact that he doesn't have to lift anything to find what he's looking for. I shudder when the memory of catching Jasper watching Fat Bottomed Girls Like It Rough, which showcased overly large women and rolling pins where they should never be, assaults my mind.

There's a knock on the door at exactly six thirty. I run across the room like I'm chasing an ice cream truck but refrain from throwing open the door for a full forty-five seconds so I don't seem like the eager fucking beaver I am. I've known him less than twenty-four hours and already I've been reduced to a panting over-dramatic teenager all over again.

"Are you going to open the door or is this some kind of confessional date where we keep a barrier between us?"

"Shit," I stammer and yank the door open like the panting over-dramatic teenage I was trying to avoid. As soon as I see him I know that no limp dick texts will be sent tonight, or any other night. The boy is fine. If there was an olympic sport for looking hot with zero effort, he'd take home the gold.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" He gives me this hesitant half smile that only makes him hotter. It's so unfair. Well, to anyone not on the receiving end of that smile. I feel like I've won the fucking lottery.

"How do you not just stand in front of a mirror and stare at yourself all day?" Okay, probably not the best way to start the conversation, but when his shoulders relax and he lets out a chuckle, I don't care that I sound like an idiot.

He drops his gaze and I swear I can feel it burning into me from tit to toe. "I could ask you the same thing."

My stomach flutters and I suddenly feel very warm. I also realize I'm panting a little. My inner teenager is lame as fuck. I send that bitch to study hall and try to act like the grown up I am. Or pretend to be. Whatever. This is a nightmare. "Get in here. I need to lock the door so you can't run when I say stupid shit like that."

He smirks and takes a step back. He's teasing me. I love it so much I can't stand it. I grab his arm and pull him through the door, smiling at the way he laughs when he stumbles forward. I shut the door and lock it because I really wasn't kidding about that part. He isn't going anywhere. I suddenly feel like Kathy Bates in Misery, sans sledge hammer of course. I need my man to be able to walk. My man? Shit. What the hell is wrong with me?

I jump when his hands slide around my waist and my eyes snap to his. He has the sweetest smile on his face as he leans forward and presses his lips to my cheek. The only thing keeping me from melting into a pile of goo in the middle of my living room is the amusement I see dancing in his eyes. He's laughing at me. I know what's up.

"Hey." He even makes a simple greeting sound hot. Asshole.

"Sup." Oh, my God. Fucking Alice and her gangsta ass.

"Are you drunk?"

I jut out my chin and give him my best bitchface. "No. I'm nervous. And you're hot. Apparently that combination makes me stupid."

He flexes his fingers into my hips, and it reminds me of his grip when he drove into me the night before. My face flushes and suddenly I'm pinned against the door. His eyes are dark, and when he speaks it sends a chill up my spine.

"I don't know what's going on in that head of yours, but if you don't stop looking at me like that I can't be held responsible for what I'm going do."

I pull in a sharp breath and try to clear the haze of lust from my head. "I'm okay with that," I say, wondering how quickly we can rid ourselves of our clothes. "That's why we're here after all."

His brows dip and his mouth curves into a frown. He even makes perplexed look hot. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It doesn't mean anything. I wasn't saying that like it's a bad thing. I'm totally down for another round with you."

He steps back, and I get the feeling I just landed myself in a steaming pile of shit. "Is that all you want?"

"Well, no," I answer. As fucking awesome as the sex was and as crazy as it seems, I think this guy could be something. So I tell him. In the most ridiculous way possible, of course. "With or without my fuck me shirt I can get laid. I'd just prefer that you were the one doing said laying. I'm pretty sure I kinda like you." I shrug and mentally punch myself in the face.

He grins and shakes his head, but I can tell I'm no longer knee-deep in steaming shit so I return his smile and add a giggle for good measure.

"I'm pretty sure I kinda like you, too."

I clap my hands together and step forward. "Great. Now, let's get back to that whole naked thing."

His arms shoot out and he grips my shoulders, stopping my attempt to maul him. "Not so fast."

I pout. "This isn't College GameDay and you're no Lee Corso. Thank God," I mumble. That dude has old balls. Nobody wants old balls. When I look up at him, he's gaping at me.

"You watch college football?"

I roll my eyes, because duh, doesn't everyone? "Hot guys in tight pants full of aggression and testosterone? What's not to love?"

He laughs. "You're a handful, aren't you?"

"You tell me," I quip, giving a pointed look to my chest.

"Stop distracting me with your tits. I'm trying to have a serious conversation."

I cross my arms under said distracting tits and do that wrist roll thing which is the universal sign for get to your point so we can get naked, or something like that.

"Where is your purse?"


"Your purse. We're going to dinner. We're going to eat, talk, and get to know each other. Then I'm going to bring you back here, kiss you stupid, and leave. And then the next day we're going to talk some more."

"I think you left out the part where we come back here and have hot sweaty sex. That's an important step that you overlooked."

"I'm not having sex with you."

"Excuse me?" Clearly he was suffering from delusions.

"I'm serious. We're going to get to know each other. I don't want you to think I'm here just because I want to fuck you."

"In case you've forgotten, you're here because we did fuck."

"That's where you're wrong. I'd be here even if we wouldn't have fucked last night." He smirks. "That was just a bonus."

I narrow my eyes and try to keep the stars out of my eyes, because he's making my chest feel warm and the butterflies in my stomach go at it like MMA fighters. "But you do want to fuck me, eventually."

He rolls his eyes and suddenly my palm is pressed to his very prominent erection. Fuck, he's hard. "You tell me," he says like a smartass as he gives his dick a pointed stare. Touché.

"So, no sex?" I ask, because the longer my hands stays on his dick the less I'm willing to go along with this shit show.

"No sex." He nods, but doesn't move my hand. I flex my fingers and he scowls. He's so fucking cute. "Get your fucking purse before you ruin my attempt at being a gentleman."

I laugh and drop my hand. "You're no gentleman. You're a dirty deviant and I like it."

He spins me around and smacks my ass. I can't stop the huge smile that breaks across my face. This guy. He's something special.

"Move it. We have food to eat and conversations to have."

"And kissing," I call over my shoulder as I move into the hall. "You promised kissing."

He leans down and when his breath fans across my skin I know there is no way we'll stay clothed for long. "There will definitely be kissing."

I whimper, causing him to chuckle as he slips his arm around my waist and leads me out of the building. He's going to be the death of me. I can't wait.


Hi. Theses two crazy kids are back because, just like last year, my dear friend Sara asked for more of this story for her birthday. This is part one of three. A nice little break from le angst. The final part will post on her Bday, May 10th. Thanks to Ooza for beta'ing and Sara, Kel and Joo for prereading. Hope y'all enjoyed it! See ya next time!