This is the third instalment of my now official "Kuroko no Fairy Tale Parody" Series! Yay!
First we had Cinderella, then Little Red Riding Hood and now Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. How many more classic tales would I get to ruin, I wonder?
AND OF COURSE, WHAT IS A COMEDY FIC WITHOUT OOC-NESS (slaps self a trillion time over; please ignore my stupidity)
Do note that I have several unintentional references to my other one-shots in here, which I apologize for in advance.
All the pairings in here are rather obvious... yup.
Let's start, shall we?
Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroko no Basket as well as the original story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a small kingdom. It was a lovely little place, with lush forests and gushing rivers. There was peace throughout the land, and the people live each day with little worries.
And the time soon came when the Queen of that wonderful kingdom was with child.
"Oh," The Queen mused one day over her mountain of treats. "How nice it would be if I could have a child with skin as dark as this chocolate gateau, hair as beautiful as the colour of the filling of this pie and… and… Umm… I'm out of ideas, Muro-chin."
"It's fine that way, Atsushi."
"But there's supposed to be three things, right? Skin, hair… what's the last one, Muro-chin?"
"It's the lips, if I'm not mistaken."
"Hmm? Not that I care about that part of him. I prefer Muro-chin's lips a lot more."
"Hmm? Muro-chin, your face is all red."
"That's because you were saying such embarrassing things on stage!"
"Ah. And speaking of lips… Muro-chin, you have cream on the corner of your lips."
"I'll help you get rid of it."
"Atsushi, don't even think of… Mmh!"
Ah yes, what a sweet couple.
And I mean it quite literally.
Let's move on with the story, shall we?
And after some time, the child was born. The kingdom celebrated the birth of their new princess.
She was born with hair the colour of over-ripe blueberries, and her skin resembled the slightly-burnt crust of pastry. Hence, she was named Blueberry Pie; and was loved by all throughout the kingdom.
However, a tragedy soon struck. Shortly after the birth, the Queen passed away. No one was sure whether it was from overeating or diabetes, but it doesn't matter since she's already dead.
"Narrator-chin is so mean…"
A year has passed, and the King took a new wife. However, he could not forget about his first wife and died soon after, leaving his only child behind in this world.
Poor little Blueberry Pie, losing her parents at such a young age.
A horrible tragedy!
"Is it me, or is the narrator being mean to us?"
"That aside… Muro-chin, I'm hungry."
"You just had all those desserts, Atsushi."
"They weren't enough."
"It can't be helped, then. I'll make something for you when we get back."
"Yay! Muro-chin is the best!"
The new Queen was a woman of true beauty, hailed for having the most beautiful blue hair throughout the entire kingdom. That being said, she was proud of her hair, so much it was to the point of arrogance and vanity. She possessed a magic mirror, to which she asks every day:
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall; who has the bluest hair of them all?"
And the mirror would reply:
"My Queen, it is you who has the bluest hair of them all."
"… Kagami-kun, I thought you were supposed to be the hunter?"
"Just because your name is spelt in the same way as 'mirror' in hiragana does not mean that you have to play that role."
"It's not my decision! Akashi said he wanted to be the hunter!"
"And my orders are absolute. Thank you for being so cooperative, Kagami Taiga."
"You could ask nicely instead of using your scissors next time."
"I shall (not) keep that in mind."
The Queen was pleased with the magic mirror had told her, for the mirror never lies.
However, as Blueberry Pie reaches the age of fifteen, she becomes more and more beautiful, so much more than the Queen. And her hair… oh, how wonderfully it shines!
No man has ever seen such a beautiful shade of blue before!
"It's a wig."
"Daiki, you're not supposed to be on the stage. Get off."
"You aren't supposed to be here either!"
One fine morning, the Queen approaches the magic mirror, asking her usual question:
"Kagami-kun, Kagami-kun on the wall; who has the bluest hair of them all?"
"Somehow, that sounds wrong."
"But Kagami-kun is a mirror, isn't he?"
"Nice one, Kuroko!"
"Shut up and watch quietly, Izuki! The audience isn't supposed to interfere!"
"Kagami-kun, please answer my question. I do not appreciate it being ignored."
"What was the question again?"
"Who has the bluest hair of them all?"
"Kagami-kun, don't me you forgot your lines."
"I didn't! I just need some time to recall them."
It took several moments before the mirror replied.
"Indeed your hair is a lovely blue, but Blueberry Pie possesses a head of hair more beautiful than yours."
The Queen was enraged at what she heard, so much so that she went green with envy.
"What did you say, Kagami-kun…?"
"Err… But I do think your hair is beautiful. Really."
"Tell me Kagami-kun, who do you like more: me, or Aomine-kun?"
"Hah? That has nothing to do with this!"
"It does. Now tell me."
"So you really do prefer Aomine-kun."
"N-No, I don't!"
"Don't lie to me, Kagami-kun! Look at all the fanfiction and fanart out there! So many people think that you and Aomine-kun make a perfect pair!"
"WHAT?! No, Kuroko, you're mistaken, really!"
"How am I mistaken?"
"The one I like is… well… you."
"I do think your hair is more beautiful than that idiot's; I really do. But…"
"If I don't say that Aomine's is more beautiful, the story cannot continue."
"… Kagami-kun, you idiot."
"Hah? Why are you crying, Kuroko?"
"So the story is more important to you than me?"
"That's not it! Geez, why are you so hard to satisfy?!"
"Ah! Kagami-kun made Kuroko-kun cry! I shall increase your training menu by a hundred times!"
"Coach, give me a break!"
"Aren't you going to stop her, Hyuuga?"
"No, it's fine. He deserves it."
"Not you too, Captain!"
The Queen, consumed by jealousy and fury, decided to get rid of Blueberry Pie.
"No excuses! I cannot accept this! Huntsman! Where are you?"
"You called, my dear Tetsuya?"
"Yes, I did. Thank you for coming, Akashi-kun."
"The pleasure is all mine. And just for this one story, I would like you to address me by my first name. Since I am posing as your faithful servant, after all."
"I understand, Aka- Seijuurou-kun…"
"Is that blood I see coming from his nose?"
"Oh, be quiet, Kagami-kun. Seijuurou-kun, are you all right?"
"I am fine, my lovely angel… I mean Tetsuya; thank you for asking. So, what am I to do for you today, my lovely Queen? Smash that disgusting mirror for you?"
"You will not harm Kagami-kun, Seijuurou-kun."
"If you say so. I will only step down this time, Kagami Taiga; because it is what Tetsuya wishes. Don't think that I have forgotten what had happened last time."
"Must you bring up things that happened in a previous story?"
"I'm afraid I have to, because Tetsuya is mine.
"No, he's mine!"
"We shall see about that."
"Back to the topic at hand, Seijuurou-kun…"
"Yes, my sweet?"
"What was that, Kagami Taiga?"
"Seijuurou-kun, as the best Huntsman of this kingdom, I have a very important mission for you."
"What is it?"
"I want you to take Blueberry Pie into the forest and dispose of him. I am not going to limit you to any particular methods, but I would need you to bring back his heart and liver; which I shall consume. After I do that, no one would have hair more blue than mine."
"Understood, my Queen."
"Why are you smirking like that, Seijuurou-kun?"
"I never knew that you had that side to you, Tetsuya. I didn't know that you were capable of such cruelty."
"Does it disgust you?"
"No; it makes me love you even more."
"Would the two of you stop flirting and get on with the story already?"
"You are in no position to complain, Kagami Taiga. And allow me to remind you that your head's held too high."
"I can't help it! I didn't ask to be this tall!"
"Seijuurou-kun, you should be going now."
And by the order of the Queen, the Huntsman set off on his mission.
Meanwhile, Blueberry Pie was playing by the edge of the forest, by the banks of a river populated with many crayfish. Just as she always does.
"Ooh! Here's a really fresh one!"
Not very princess-like, is she now?
"Well, sorry for being a guy in a dress and wig!"
"Daiki, what are you doing?"
"Ah, Akashi. What are you doing here? And what's with the scissors?"
"Isn't it obvious? I'm here to kill you."
"Seriously?! This story's progressing too fast!"
"Too bad for you. Now die."
With a knife… I mean, scissors in hand, the huntsman chased after Blueberry Pie.
"Just what did I do to you, Akashi?"
"Nothing in particular?"
"Because it is Tetsuya's orders?"
"What? Tetsu's? Seriously?!"
"Yes. Would you stop running and let me kill you, Daiki?"
"Like I would, you sadistic scissors-wielding freak!"
"What did you call me?"
"Now it has become a personal matter. Prepare yourself, Daiki."
"I didn't mean to call you that! I'm sorry, Akashi!"
"It's no use apologizing now!"
The huntsman started his assault, but failed to land any hits.
"O-Oi, Akashi! You can't be serious about killing me!"
"Serious is one thing I always am, Daiki."
"But if I die, the readers won't get to see the dwarves, right?"
"Too bad for them, then."
It was then the Huntsman had a strange idea.
"Let's play a game. The rules are simple. If you win, you get to escape. If you lose, you die. Sounds fair?"
"So what do I have to do? Conquer a dungeon or something?"
"Where did you get that ridiculous notion from?"
"You watch too much television, Daiki. Anyway, this game is fairly simple one. All you have to do is to survive the attack that I am about to throw at you. Is that clear?"
"That's easy! I bet I'd win in no…"
It was then a pair of scissors flew, grazing Blueberry Pie's face as it whizzed past her face.
"Oh dear. My hand slipped. One more try."
"Oi! That was uncalled for!"
"I will not miss the next time. Now, where did I leave my spare pair of scissors?"
While the Huntsman was searching for his weapon, Blueberry Pie took the chance to escape.
"Hasta la Vista, Akashi!"
"Daiki, wait… He's gone."
The Huntsman cursed at himself for letting Blueberry Pie get away.
What will he do now?
The Huntsman then decided to slay the dog in place of Blueberry Pie and present its organs to his queen.
"People in the audience should know their place and keep their mouths shut. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you, the people from Seirin?"
"Listen to what we have to say, first!"
"Don't kill that dog!"
"That's Tetsuya #2! Our team mascot!"
"Tetsuya… #2? Ah, now that you've mentioned it, he does resemble Tetsuya a little. Fine then, I shall spare his life."
"Thank you, Akashi!"
"Now then, what shall I do for a replacement…?"
It was then a wild boar appeared.
"It's just a normal pig!"
"Oh, be quiet, Daiki."
The Huntsman took out his weapon and stood over the animal.
"I'll be taking your life, then."
And so, the Huntsman slain the animal, taking out its heart and liver.
Placing the organs into a beautifully decorated box, he presented them to his queen.
However, the queen was not amused.
"What is the meaning of this, Aka… I mean, Seijuurou-kun?"
"What do you mean, my Queen?"
"I told you to kill Blueberry Pie, and you return to me with these… things. Would you care to explain yourself?"
"But Tetsuya, if I did kill Daiki, I would be charged for murder."
"This is a play, Seijuurou-kun. You weren't supposed to be serious about killing him."
"Fine, then. I shall kill him with my own two hands."
"My Queen, there is no need for you to soil these beautiful hands of yours. Please, give me another chance."
"As much as I would like to, your role in the story ends here, Seijuurou-kun."
"Is that so?"
"Fine, then. I shall withdraw from here."
"Thank you for your hard work, Seijuurou-kun."
"With pleasure, my dear."
The Queen, enraged at the Huntsman's failure, decided to take matters into her own hands.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall; do tell me the whereabouts of Blueberry Pie and how I may dispose of her."
"Blueberry Pie now resides deep in the forest, in a cottage belonging to five dwarves."
"Dwarves, you say?"
"Yes, and as for the second request…"
Meanwhile, let's take a look at Blueberry Pie and her life now in the forest… with the dwarves of course.
However, there was just one teeny weeny problem.
"You know, for dwarves, you guys aren't very tiny."
"It ain't our fault. Tis' not like we can shrink at will."
"Imayoshi-san's right! Dai-chan is an idiot!"
"Hah? What did you call me?"
"But dwarves are supposed to be tiny, aren't they?"
"So we're overgrown dwarves! Deal with it!"
"Nicely said, Wakamatsu."
"And Sakurai! Stop apologizin' already!"
"This ain't gonna end. Narrator, please continue the story, ya?"
One morning, Blueberry Pie was left alone in the cottage when the dwarves went out to work.
"And make sure you keep the door locked, Dai-chan! There might be some bad wolves out there that will eat you up!"
"What am I? A wrinkled old man? I'll be fine."
"Well then, we'll leave the house in your care."
"Don't break anything, you hear?"
"Yeah yeah. Sure thing."
"Alright! Let's set off!"
"Wakamatsu! Your volume!"
The dwarves soon left their cottage, not knowing that the evil queen, in the disguise of a young, innocent girl, was watching them from behind a large tree.
In her hand was a basket full of lovely red apples, each one treated with a lethal poison that could kill with just a small nibble. With it she will finally get rid of that little pest.
As for Blueberry Pie, it was quiet without the dwarves around.
She soon grew bored. And hungry.
"That Ryou! Why didn't he make me something to eat before he left? Now I'm starving!"
It was then he heard two knocks on the door.
"Who is it?"
Blueberry Pie grunted as she opened the door.
Upon opening the door, she discovered…
"I think you are mistaken, my good lady. There is no one in this story named 'Tetsu'."
"Who do you think you are kidding, Tetsu? I can't think of anyone else who has natural blue hair."
"There is another person."
"Look into the mirror."
"Oh. Right, me. So what are you doing out here in the forest, Tetsu?"
"As I have said, I am not this 'Tetsu' you speak of."
"Then who the hell are you, then?"
"Just some random person wandering through the forest selling apples. Would you like one?"
"In a black hooded cape and a frilly mini-skirt?"
"These were just leftover props from the previous performance."
"Ah. That one. So that means that you are wearing that underneath, too?"
"Well… To sell apples, one must be appealing to his customers."
"Never knew you were the type to resort to sex appeal, Tetsu."
"It was simply the costume that was provided. If you want to complain, tell that to our sponsors so we can get more funds to support our shows. You are aware that we aren't being paid to do this at all, right?"
"I think the scriptwriter mentioned something about it during the Cinderella one. And you did not dent being 'Tetsu' this time."
"Well, I heard that we could only get more budget if we had more raving reviews, in the newspapers or magazines. Unfortunately, we don't. Remember how we were all looking forward to doing Rapunzel with Midorima-kun and everyone else from Shuutoku but had to cancel all because the material for his dress and wig were too costly? Unbelievable! Now poor Midorima-kun has to sit with the rest of the audience. Oh, and I'm out of character at this moment, so don't mind me."
"With you speaking like that, I wonder which character you are really out of: your assigned one or your own."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Nothing. Why were you complaining about all this, anyway?"
"Because I want to do more of these kind of stories. It's a pity if we have to throw away so many fantastic ideas the scriptwriter came up with if we don't have them written out."
"Those are two different matters altogether."
"And also, if there aren't any sponsors, the scriptwriter will get depressed and cannot write anything. Who knows, she might just make us star in some horror story with yandere ghosts and creepy forests."
"Didn't we do something like that before?"
"Not that I remember."
"Is that so? Oh, would you like an apple?"
"Naw. I'm hungry, but I'll pass."
"I only like those kind of sour yellow-green apples. The one that you have is red."
"But aren't the red ones supposed to be better? Now, hurry up and eat it; it's not like it's poisoned or anything like that. You are hungry, aren't you?"
"You can have it, Tetsu. I don't really want it. Whoa, wait. Poisoned?!"
"I, err; you see, there are so many other boys starving in the world and would love to have this apple. If I have it, it would be such a waste…"
"Just eat it."
"But what about the beggars on the street? They do need a little kind-hearted act of love and…"
"Please eat it."
"I'm allergic to red apples."
"What kind of nonsense is that? Eat it."
"I told you to eat it, so eat it."
"If you won't eat it, then it looks like I will have to force you to."
The girl grabbed one of the rosy red apples, raising it to her eye level…
"IGNITE PASS: APPLE!"
… And with a forward thrust of her arm, smashed the fruit right into Blueberry Pie's open mouth.
That has got to hurt.
Thanks to the impact of the sudden attack, Blueberry Pie fell backwards, hitting her head on the hard wooden floor as she landed on the floor, unmoving.
"Aomine-kun? Are you alive?"
"Yay. He's dead."
The Evil Queen cheered (?) as she made her way back to the palace, her face glowing with glee (?).
"Welcome back, my dear Tetsuya. Looks like it went well."
"Yes, it did, Aka… Seijuurou-kun."
"But we have to make sure he's gone for good. Try asking that stupid mirror one more time."
"Who are you calling a stupid mirror?"
"You, of course."
"Don't say it in unison!"
"So, Kagami-kun on the wall, who has the bluest hair of them all?"
"Well, since that Ahomine is gone, that person can only be you. And now that I think about it, what kind of word is 'bluest', anyway?"
"Isn't that great news, Tetsuya? Now, to celebrate, how about coming over to Kyoto to spend a night with me?"
"I'll pass, thank you."
Meanwhile, back at the cottage, the dwarves returned home to find Blueberry Pie lying at the entrance, unconscious.
"He's dead, isn't he? Dai-chan, I mean."
"Looks tha' way to me. Don't you think so, Wakamatsu?"
"There ain't a need for ya to apologize at all, Sakurai!"
"Now let's have a celebration! We don't ever need to bother with this bastard ever again!"
"… We should still give him a proper burial."
"Yes! Just as Susa-senpai says! But where are we going to find a coffin?"
"I have a glass one right here!"
"Oh! As expected of our manager; always prepared for everything!"
"Tha' ain't the point, Wakamatsu! Momoi, why do ya have a glass coffin, anyway?"
"Ehh? I prepared it especially for Tetsu-kun so I can see his handsome face even when he's unconscious. I even made it extra, extra, extra big so I can put lots and lots of flowers inside. But since Tetsu-kun isn't mine yet, I guess I'll just have to let Dai-chan use it first."
"… A woman in love is a scary thing, ain't it, Susa?"
"Let's hurry up with the burial and get it over with!"
And so, the dwarves got busy, laying Blueberry Pie into the coffin and preparing a funeral.
It was then the prince of the neighbouring country suddenly appeared.
"Too fast, Narrator-san!"
"Did anyone call for a prince?"
"Isn't that guy…"
"Ah, Ki-chan! So you're playing the prince?"
"Yup! It was really boring, waiting backstage for my turn to come. Hi everyone, the handsome prince has arrived!"
"Not that anyone really cares…"
"So mean, Momocchi!"
"So, what did ya come 'ere for?"
"Ah, I came for my lovely princess, Aominecchi!"
"But he's dead."
"Like Susa-senpai said, he died."
"NOOOOOO! THAT CANNOT BE TRUE! MY AOMINECCHI CANNOT BE DEAD!"
"And it seems like the cause of death is a red apple."
"NO! NOT A RED APPLE!"
"That made no sense."
"And that was a needlessly poor attempt at being dramatic."
"Leave 'im be, Wakamatsu, Susa. And Sakurai, enough. Ya didn't do anythin' wrong."
"I see… So my precious Aominecchi is dead, huh…"
"Ki-chan… Why are you lying in a pool of tears, all depressed?"
"Ya can ignore 'im too, Momoi."
"Never mind! Even if he's dead, Aominecchi is still Aominecchi! That fact will never change! Aominecchi is still my one and only…!"
"… The power of love is scary, ain't it, Susa."
"Now, everyone, the lovely dwarves if Touou! If you would allow me to, please give Aominecchi to me!"
"Save us the trouble of gettin' mad at 'im."
"Oi! All of you! Quit being so mean to me! Don't strike me off as dead so easily!"
"AOMINECCHI! YOU LIVE!"
"Dear me, Dai-chan. You survived."
"Such a pity!"
"For once, I agree with Wakamatsu."
"… Me too."
"Of course I did, Satsuki! What were you thinking, stuffing me into a coffin? I couldn't breathe!"
"So you weren't dead."
"But of course! The only one who can kill me… is me!"
"Don't alter your signature phrase like that."
"UWAHH, AOMINECCHI! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE ALIVE, I FELL LIKE I'M ABOUT TO CRY…"
"You're already crying, you idiot! Quit staining my dress with your tears and snot!"
"Yeah yeah, I know. Stop crying already; you're ruining your pretty face."
"Dai-chan is… petting Ki-chan's head?"
"Aomine… is bein' gentle?"
"IT'S THE END OF HUMANITY!"
"Shut it, Wakamatsu!"
"Though I wonder who's the real prince… oh well."
"I'm sorry, but… shall we leave them alone? I feel like we are being a bother to them…"
"Sakurai-kun's right. Shall we all get off stage?"
Quietly, the dwarves left the scene, leaving the happy couple alone to themselves.
"They're finally gone. Have you calmed down yet, Kise?"
"Y-Yeah. Thanks, Aominecchi."
"It was nothing."
"But I was so scared. I thought Aominecchi was really… you know…"
"Don't be stupid, you silly boy. It's just a stupid play. You didn't have to get so worked up over it."
"I know, but still…"
"Thanks. For worrying about me."
Blueberry Pie placed a quick kiss onto the Prince's lips and turned his face away, embarrassed.
"Aominecchi…? What was that for?"
"A little reward."
"Your face is red."
"Must be because of the heat. The weather's been heating up lately."
"We are in an air-conditioned room, Aominecchi."
"JUST END THE STORY ALREADY, YOU STUPID LOVEY DOVEY COUPLE!"
"Calm down, Hyuuga. Oh wait. They're a couple already?"
"Kiyoshi, you aren't helping. You're just going to make him more mad than he already is."
"Huh? What did I say wrong?"
"… Never mind. Narrator-san, if you would please."
Thank you, the kind senpai in the audience.
And so, the prince took Blueberry Pie back to his kingdom, where she took him as her… wife and they lived happily ever after. The end!
"Wait a minute! What happened to Tetsu?"
And if anyone is asking, the mirror can only see things and people who are in that particular kingdom. Since Blueberry Pie now lived in another country, the Evil Queen remained as the person with the bluest hair… only in that particular kingdom, that is."
"There was no complete need to kill me off, then!"
"Damn you, Tetsu! You will pay!"
"I just realized I forgot to feed #2, so I shall take my leave…"
"Don't you think of escaping, Tetsu!"
"Aominecchi! Where are yo going?! What about our wedding?!"
"I will protect Tetsuya with my life!"
On behalf of everyone involved in this production, I would like to thank everyone here for enjoying this piece.
Until we meet again, everyone.
Translation of pun: But Kagami-kun is a mirror, isn't he? (Kagami-kun wa Kagami deshou)
I'm sorry for breaking the almost non-existent fourth wall so many times.
And the Shuutoku x Rapunzel thing was an idea that has yet to be written. I might do it. Maybe.
And I'm also sorry for being anti-AoKaga. I don't mind if people ship them, but don't force it unto me, please.
Until next time!