Title: Cold and Broken

Author: Sybil Rowan

Pairing(s)/Characters: Kurogane/Fai

Rating: M

Summary: Fai's thoughts and feelings about Kurogane coaxing him to feed as a vampire for the first time. WingedPanther73 has his own version of this, but his is very different from mine.

Warnings: sexual situation, not overly graphic

Author's Notes: I'm not much of a steamy writer so my hubby said he'd write a Kurogane center piece if I do a Fai centered piece about Fai's first feeding after Acid Tokyo. His had a delightful humorous twist, whereas, mine took on a lot of angst. His story is called "Feeding Time," so go check that one out, too.

Disclaimer: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle, xxxHolic its names and characters, belong to CLAMP.

Beta Reader: WingedPanther73

Date: March 9, 2013 10:00am

Word Count: 8,307

Resentment. It was the only feeling Fai had towards Kurogane as they left Acid Tokyo and landed in a new dimension. All of his other worries and sadnesses were dominated by anger at the ninja. 'Why didn't he just let me die? He doesn't even know he sealed his own doom by forcing me to live.'

In this new world, it was a pleasantly warm night in a veldt land with two large moons overhead. It was a welcome change after Acid Tokyo's ravaged landscape.

Fai wandered off from the rest of the group as they ate in silence. In truth, he was afraid they'd start talking to him, prying to see if he was okay. The harm that had befallen him was too fresh, and he was too drained to dwell on it. He ached physically and emotionally. Besides, Kurogane's scent was too much; it triggered a painful hunger.

He was intent on the moons in the sky, but not enough where he could ignore the ninja walking up behind him. Fai glanced back towards their camp. The kids and Mokona had retreated to the tents set up earlier. All of them were fast asleep; Fai could judge by his new, sharper hearing.

He didn't acknowledge Kurogane as he sat beside Fai in the tall grass. Kurogane's scent was madding. Fai's stomach was a dull, burning ache. His craving for Kurogane was battling against his resentment for the man. It was an intolerable war, each side wanting control over his will.

Kurogane didn't say anything. He just moved closer and took Fai in his arms. Fai's body stiffened as he tried to pull away. He opened his mouth, but Kurogane clamped his hand firmly over it and shook his head.

'I know what's on your mind. Yama. That time when we had no words between us. I was actually happy there, just the two of us. I could pretend I didn't have to kill you any longer, and that I was beyond Ashura's reach. I could entertain the illusion that there was a possibility we'd be stuck there for the rest of our lives, and that we could grow old together.'

Kurogane slid his hand away from Fai's mouth. He felt Kurogane's hand move to the back of his head; those fingers tangling in his hair were so comforting. The ninja tugged firmly on Fai's hair, exposing his neck to the ninja. Kurogane pressed his lips to the soft flesh, but it did little to warm Fai's icy skin.

'So you really are thinking about all those nights on Yama when we let our bodies talk, when I let you get too close. You're hoping this will fix what you've done to me, but it's not about what you've done to me. It's what you've done to yourself by saving me that has me so upset. I want to tell you about the real Fai and the pain I feel because I'm forced to choose between killing you or never seeing him alive again! You could then hate me, reject me, leave me in this world and go on with the kids, caring for them like they deserve.'

He shut his eye when he felt Kurogane's hands pull up the hem of his shirt. Animus welled up inside and he almost pushed Kurogane's hands away. Instead, he was too slow for Kurogane, and his frosty skin was exposed.

'Maybe, just for a moment, I'll pretend we're back on Yama,' Fai thought as his fingers went to unbutton Kurogane's rumpled dress shirt. He tossed it aside.

Fai laid his palms on Kurogane's chest, remembering their first time together. It was hasty, desperate, and awkward. Eventually, their intimacy had developed; it grew more sensual, caring, and graceful. Fai was afraid tonight would be like that first time instead of what they had worked at building.

'It would be my fault if that were to happen. If I were to push him away, it would be for his own good. This will just make a harder future for us. But... he's so warm, and I'm so utterly cold and broken... I need this, and I have to show him. Just like I did on Yama.'

Fai took his hand and laced their fingers. He leaned over and pressed a soft kiss on Kurogane's neck. The mage felt his willpower to not feed on Kurogane pushed to its limit as he took in the scent. His lips twitched in an effort to not bare his fangs. His stomach pulsed with its demand for nourishment, but Fai was going to nourish his spirits first.

Kurogane was still, now. 'You're expecting me to drink. I won't take blood from you until you satisfy your own desires, you stubborn man. And you have the nerve to call me insufferable.'

Kurogane's patience wore thin, trying to wait Fai out. He pushed Fai back on the thick, tall grass, scowling down at the mage. Fai noticed Kurogane pause. Kurogane ran his hand down Fai's chest and paused at his belly. Fai looked to see what had caught Kurogane's attention. His skin had changed from pale to this alabaster color that was glowing in the moonlight.

'I look different to you. You're trying to get used to these changes, too.'

Fai turned the blind side of his face towards the ground, becoming self-conscious. In Piffle World, he had asked Kurogane what his most attractive feature was; the ninja answered instantly that it was his eyes. Kurogane leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on his right temple. He turned Fai's face back towards him and shook his head. Six months of nothing but reading body language had lain Fai bare before Kurogane.

Fai felt a real smile come to his lips, albeit, a shallow one. Kurogane's hands brushed across Fai's stomach. He let Kurogane pull off the rest of his clothing. The grass was itchy against his body, but his mind quickly blocked that out as he watched Kurogane toss aside the rest of his own clothing.

Kurogane slowly lay on top of him and started rubbing Fai's arms to get some warmth into them. Fai lifted his head and kissed Kurogane for the kind, but pointless gesture. Kurogane deepened the kiss and rubbed himself against Fai. The friction was heady. The craving for blood quelled, replaced by a single need to feel Kurogane's calloused hand.

Finally, Fai's need for more tension and control were met when Kurogane slid to the side. Kisses and mutual caresses eventually brought Fai to the edge, but it was Kurogane who came first. It was rare, usually the other way around. It threw Fai off for a moment, but Kurogane's insistent hand was more then enough to fight off the distraction. He found himself slaked and shivering in Kurogane's arms.

When his breathing was steady once again, Kurogane rolled him over on his back. Kurogane propped up Fai's head slightly and held his wrist up to dry lips.

'So you're going to make me live whether I want to or not. You've taken away my freedom and bound me to you. You've taken away my chance to save your life.

'I wanted to loath you that first day we met at the Dimensional Witch's shop, but you were too attractive to me. So I tried everything in my power to annoy you, irritate you, in hopes you'd grow to despise me. Nothing turned out how I planned. And now, here I am, depending on you for a life I no longer want. I really could grow to despise you for making me choose between you and my twin.'

Fai couldn't resist any longer. He sank his fangs into Kurogane's wrist. Warmth and life began to flow into him again. This was the first time he had fed as a vampire, and it horrified him how pleasurable it felt. He forced himself to just take a little and withdraw. He turned away from Kurogane and curled up into a ball. He was on the brink of tears at the shame he felt in taking that pleasure.

Kurogane wrapped himself around Fai. His body was now able to accept the heat from Kurogane. In spite of his body's newly found warmth, he felt increasingly cold and increasingly broken.

The End.