-I Swear This Time I Mean It-
I'm outdated, overrated; morning seems so far away… So I'll sing a melody, and hope to god she's listening, sleeping softly while I sing…
I don't know how to say this, really. I just hope there's someone out there who cares about what I'm saying, even though not even the love of my life could at the moment.
I lied to him, and cheated on him, and stole from him. I hurt him, and made him cry, and left him brokenhearted and alone. And I'll do it for the last time tonight.
I looked to the clock on the bedside table, the green numbers shining: three twelve AM. Morning seems so far away. I then glanced down at the blonde wrapped in my arms, chest rising and falling softly with every calm breath he took. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps; I hope the storm doesn't wake him. He needs his sleep.
He should find someone who's worth the fight. I'm not worth it—I can't treat him right. I can't love him how he deserves to be loved. No matter how many times I promise to hold and cherish him, I just can't get it right.
I looked down to him, pulling his naked body closer to my own. This is the last time you get to do this, Liam. Treasure this moment because when that clock hits six you're out of here for good.
I kiss his forehead and watch him stir in his sleep. "Liam," he mumbled in his slumber.
"I'm right here, babe, I'm here," I whispered into his hair, pulling him closer to my chest. His face cuddled into me, arms wrapped tightly around me. It seemed like he was having a nightmare of some sort, so I started singing to calm him.
"We'll do it all: everything—on our own. We don't need… anything, or anyone. If I lay here, if I just… lay here, would you lie with me, and just forget the world?"
This was our song. We listened to this all the time, sung it together every day we were together. Our voices meshed together and sounded beautiful, and it sounded odd without his voice highlighting mine.
I sung quietly, barely over a whisper, as I stroke his back with my palm. He settled into deep sleep as the song was over.
"All that I am, all that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes—they're all I can see. I don't know where, confused about how as well, just know that these things will never change for us at all. If I lay here… if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
I think I was singing more for myself than him. I wanted my last memory to be sweet, and I think this was the best for the both of us. I pray to god he heard me in his sleep, and remembers just as I do. Though in a way I know he heard me.
The morning doesn't seem so far away now, though I couldn't get the regret out of my head—I hadn't' even left yet. Though I knew I'd hurt him worse if I actually stayed this time. I couldn't do that to him again… he needs someone better.
I hope he remembers this and everything we had. I hope I fill his head everyday because I know he's all I'll think about. I'm his past and he can't forget it; he won't. I'm his memories. And hopefully right before he sleeps every night, he'll remember this, and how I sung to him and it'll put him right to sleep.
So as I look to the green numbers in the corner of the room that read six forty-two, I knew I had to leave. Before I untangled him from me and walked out, I kissed him one last time on the lips, though he was too out to notice. I savored it, for the seconds our lips touched, I made this moment last longer than it had to. I pulled away; taking his hands from my back, standing and getting dressed, I walked to the door.
"I love you, Ni. I won't hurt you anymore. I swear this time I mean it." ~
…and I'll be your memories, your lullaby for all of times, hoping that my voice could get it right…