**** 12-15-14... I'm feeling naughty so I'm reposting this epic hot mess. The plan is to post the final chapter. Let's see if it gets reported again****

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"So, what did she say?" Jasper yelled to me as he paced back and forth with the squalling baby in his arms. The nose was deafening and completely distracting as I watched him struggle with his new born son.

"What the fuck," I muttered as I rolled my eyes at him only to earn a loud hush while he attempted to soothe the baby like the fucking moron he had become since his son's birth.

"You can't talk that way in front of the baby," he scolded with a stern look on his face that was comical as he shielded his child from me as if my words would hurt the child.

"Oh, sorry," I replied with my best apologetic grin that I only used when I was in serious shit.

"I forgot that Rose keep your balls in her purse. I guess she forgot to give them to you today." I mocked as he sputtered in response, muttering cuss words, but I knew I heard the distinct sound of fuck you escape his almost sealed lips.

"I'm sorry. What was again daddy dearest?" I mocked as he turned to face me with a hard look that made me laugh as he swallowed every harsh word he wanted to say while rocking the baby a little too hard to be considered soothing.

"I'd be careful there, asshole," I mentioned as I motioned towards the baby that was bouncing in his arms while wailing as if he was in pain.

"Fuck," he muttered in frustration as he finally looked down at his son who continued to scream his displeasure, loud and clear. Once he looked at his son he scrambled around, pulling out a bottle from the bag he brought along like the fucking pussy he had become before scurrying off to warm it in my microwave.

"Jesus, man, don't you ever clean this damn thing?" he called out to me in disgust as I laughed at him. It had been ages since I had cleaned it. What was the need when everything I cooked came in plastic containers and never touched the slightly disgusting food splattered interior.

The kid's screaming continued on as Jasper returned to the room only to thrust the screaming infant at me as if he was passing off a baton.

"Sorry, dude. No can do. Babies hate me," I stated simply as I held my hands up, refusing to take the small bundle of piss and vinegar that was too much like his mother.

"Babies don't hate you. Babies can't hate anyone," he half whined as he waved the baby in front of me as if waving the object would entice me to want to hold the pissed off child.

"Ok, but your cunt of a wife does, so I think that's a good enough reason not to hold him. Plus, there is the whole six degrees of separation and all," I retorted as I watched his face harden for a second.

"Rosalie is not a cunt," he growled as I laughed at him.

"I love her and she... She just hates you that's all," he muttered, telling me truths that I already knew. I was well aware that Rosalie hated me ever since I fucked and chucked her sister Tanya. What she didn't understand was that Tanya was just collateral damage in the war of breaking up and making up with my beloved Alice. I never meant to hurt Tanya. I just needed a fuck to even out the score from when Alice dated another guy. I thought she understood, but in the end, Tanya cried, and Rosalie beat the shit out of my car with a baseball bat while Jasper watched. He always was a pussy when it came to that woman.

"And what the hell is this six degrees of separation bullshit," he muttered as he sat the child down on the couch before placing a pillow in front of him to keep him from rolling off even though the kid was nowhere near rolling just yet.

"I won't touch anything that has been anywhere near Whoralie's pussy so that makes little man here off limits." I snorted with a nod to the kid who was red-faced from screaming while Jasper gawked at me for a moment before shaking his head at me.

"That's my wife, and I think you would do well to remember that," he countered back in a firm tone as he gave me warning look.

"Hey, I didn't make up the nickname. James did. I just think its fitting. I also think you'd do well to remember the night we all met her. She was working as a Hooters waitress who took you out behind the building to blow you by the dumpster," I countered back as he looked at me with an unbelievable look on his face.

"Nothing screams class like a blow job by the dumpster," I teased as he finally silenced the kid with a bottle.

"You're a dick," he retorted as he looked at me, not so much angry as he was resigned, since I knew the truth about his beloved wife who was acting as if she wasn't a huge whore now that she wore his fucking ring.

"Yeah, whatever," I mumbled as I brought the bottle of beer that I had been drinking up to my lips while he motioned for me to bring me his as well.

"So, what did she say?" he asked as he looked at me with a tired sigh now that the demon spawn was happy.

"She said, Edward, we need to talk," I stated while mimicking Alice's high pitched tone perfectly. After dating her off and on throughout college, I could identify that bitchy whine of hers in my sleep.

"Sounds serious," he replied as he looked at me with a knowing look. I knew what he was thinking.

"No way, man," I stated firmly as I shook my head at him.

"No way is this a break up. Things have been good. I mean, really fucking good. Like anal beads and tit fucking good…" I began in a panicked tone as he shook his head at me.

"Ok, for starters, I hope the anal beads were used on her, not you, and secondly, how the hell would you tit fuck the girl since she's as flat as twelve year old boy. Shit, I have bigger tits than she does," he chuckled as I gave him the finger in response to his bullshit answers, even if some of it were true.

"Edward, you and Alice…You break up more than you are together," he sighed, looking down at his son.

"Why would she want to end it now?" I demanded from him since to me it made no sense. We were young. We had our whole lives in front of us now, and what better way to spend it than together.

"I don't know," he sighed as he looked from his son to me with a shrug that told me that he could give a shit about Alice.

"Maybe she wants something more?" he offered to me as I took another drink from the near empty bottle.

"A lot of her friends are getting married and moving on while you and she are just stuck in this relationship that makes Sid's and Nancy's look normal," he stated with another shrug that only pissed me off at his casual dismissal of my problems.

"Fuck you," I muttered as I stood up to grab another beer from the fridge.

"I'd never stab her death," I called out to him as I opened the door to the fridge to see what else I had to drink as he barked out a laugh in response to my words.

"Ok, but have you ever thought about the idea that maybe Alice wants more?" he called out to me in a serious tone that caused my stomach to turn with his words.

"What do you mean more?" I gasped in horror as I entered the room to glare at him.

"You know what I mean," he scoffed with a dark chuckle that made me cringe since I did know what he meant.

"Marriage. Commitment. Something more than just the key to your apartment on her key ring," he snorted, causing me to laugh out loud over his suggestion since it was better than crying.

"Are you fucking crazy? I didn't give her a key," I sputtered as he looked at me with a dark look before he laughed out loud at me.

"See, that's what I'm talking about, E." He sighed as he switched positions with the child so that the baby was up on his shoulders as he tried to burp him.

"Alice probably wants marriage. Fuck, all her friends are getting married. Rosie and I got married," he reasoned as I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, well if Rosie would have swallowed that night instead, you wouldn't be married right now," I snickered as he paused his unending beating on the baby's back to give me the finger. It was common knowledge Jasper and Rosalie got married because he knocked her up, and I was not one to let him forget that little fact either.

"I was going to marry her anyway. Andrew just moved things along. That's all," he countered back very matter of factly without ever stopping the rhythmic pounding on the kid's back.

"That's what you do, man. You graduate college, get a job and get married to begin the rest of your life," he replied simply as if I was the idiot in the room, not him.

"Fuck that," I muttered as I looked away from him, feeling the burn of anxiety rush through my veins as I thought of marriage. I knew he was right to an extent since that was what most had done.

Emmett was first, marrying Angela right after we graduated from college, followed by Jasper and Rose last year, leaving only James as well as myself as the last men standing. I knew Alice had been hinting at marriage, but I just couldn't see it. I was barely twenty-eight. I had just found a job. I had shit for money and student loans coming out of my ass, so the idea of taking a wife was too much. It was too fucked up, yet I didn't want to lose her either.

"You really think that's what she wants?" I asked him, attempting to be serious even though I was never serious about anything beyond my work and the beer that I drank.

"Yeah, I do." He sighed just as the baby boy let out a loud belch that tainted the air around us with the scent of rancid breast milk.

"Maybe it's time to man up, Edward," Jasper said with a grin that suggested he even knew how farfetched his damn idea was.

AN:

Thanks for reading! Thanks to Tracy for catching all my commas and other mistakes. Any remaining lingering mistake are mine alone.

Not a ton of drama in this one, just a lot of stupidity. Hope you enjoy : )

I have plans of updating once a week on hump day while posting teasers on my facebook page for the following week.

Until next week friends,

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