Summary: My first try at fan fiction is a one off of Bella and Edward's thoughts after their "first time" on Isle Esme.
He thinks he hurt me. Yes, I may have a few bruises, but I'm not hurt.
There is no pain. I don't understand why he won't try again. I know he wants to just as much as I do. I can feel Edward's need just as acutely as my own. That must be why he has taken it upon himself to put me in a coma by the end of every day. I swear, by the time I eat, I am nodding out. I have even fallen asleep at the table - twice.
If only I could somehow convince him, that if we tried to make love again, there would be no problem. He won't even consider it. Every time I even hint that I want to talk about it, he shuts down. I can literally see him become stone. Every muscle in his body tightens up, shuts down. When he kisses me, he is even more controlled than before we married.
The first thing that happens, whenever I bring up the subject, is his jaw clenches. Second, the beautiful, molten-gold of his eye color, hardens and becomes cold. I could literally get frost-bite from looking into his eyes whenever I even hint at the topic of us having sex.
I realize that he is terrified of hurting me again. I understand that, I really do, but what he is failing to understand is that his refusal to make love to me is bruising my psyche just as surely as his fingers made bruises on my body. I have never been able to understand why he loves me. Why someone as perfect, as angelic, as wonderful as he is would want to be with someone as ordinary as I am.
I wish he would make love to me again. I was never so happy in my life, as I was our first night here, on Isle Esme. I've never felt as beautiful. I've never felt as loved. I would be overjoyed if my husband would just - give in.
I can't believe I even agreed to try. I should be pulled apart and set on fire. I am so unworthy of her. Nobody is worthy of her. My love. My angel. My wife. My Bella.
Bella has never been adequately afraid of the harm that I can cause her. The thought that I could harm her has never even entered her mind. She had too much faith in me. Faith that I wouldn't, that I couldn't, hurt her. Faith that if I tried to express my love for her physically, that there would be no problems.
I made love to Bella. It was so wonderful. Her shy touch gave me so much pleasure. Pleasure I never deserved because I am a monster, and when I touched her, I hurt her. I put bruises on the woman I love. Bruises shaped exactly like my fingers on her arm. Another set of the same bruises on her shoulder, her thighs, her calves.
I can never make love to her again while she is human. I can't afford to lose that kind of control with her. If I do, I could hurt her even worse. She seems to think that it was a success. I admit that I probably handled it badly when she woke up. I was just so ashamed that I put even a mark on her perfect body.
She tried to tell me that she was unhurt and perfectly happy. How could she be happy knowing what I had done to her? She should be enraged over what happened. If the same thing had happened to me I know I would have been.
She is perfect. She is so good and pure. The light that shines out from her beautiful, brown eyes when she looks at me is pure love. Love that I don't, and have never deserved. That I had hurt my love sickens me. I must never touch her again until she is turned.
Once I have stolen her perfect soul, and she has been turned into the same kind of soulless monster that I am, then and only then can I give in to my carnal desires. Until that time, I will do everything in my power to make sure that she is entertained while we are here on Isle Esme. There are so many things we can do here. I have taken her snorkeling (she snorkels, I don't need to breathe), we have gone hiking, swimming, anything to be done here on Isle Esme, we have done. Every evening, I make dinner for her and she falls right to sleep.
This is my entire plan. Keep her so exhausted she won't miss the lovemaking. It seems to be working because she has even fallen to sleep at the table while in the middle of chewing her food. I may have overdone it just a little that day.
Just as I didn't want her to miss out on any human experience, I don't want her to miss anything here. I just wish she would stop trying to get me to give in to her advances. I most definitely don't want to hurt her feelings, but I refuse to have anything to do with any action which might result in her getting hurt. It is never going to happen. I will never be responsible for my love being hurt again. I will never give in.