It has been almost six months since Saruhiko's passing. Six months filled with regrets and agony for Misaki. Most days he didn't want to crawl out of bed and face the day, and most days he didn't. He wouldn't move from his bed the entire day. He had lost his appetite long ago, and could care less about drinking enough to have to go to the bathroom.

The first week he heard the news he didn't leave the bed for a week except to attend the funeral. A funeral that might have been beautiful if it hadn't been Saru's body being placed into the ground. It was even the first time in history the blue and red clan met without a fight breaking out. But, how could they fight when everyone attending was broken.

There weren't many people there for the service. Misaki could name them all even though he couldn't see through his tears that day, and had neglected himself to the point he was dizzy. Akiyama, the king from the blues, and the upper ranks of the reds. He knew everyone in each clan would come later to pay their respects, as is tradition.

When the ceremony was over Misaki had a break down and flipped open the casket to see his beloved one last time. He'll never forget the charred face almost resembling Saruhiko. The blown off limbs aside from one arm. The bones and muscle in his face showing without the skin to cover it. To make the gruesome body worse the mortician tried to make it more appealing. He was wearing a suit, with his one arm across his chest and the free fabric from where it should have fit snuggly on a body laid out as if someone could wear it. Since his eyelids had burnt off he stared at at Misaki with dead blue eyes, and a smile formed by his unfleshed jaw. Every night Misaki saw that face staring back at him and he'd cry.

Homra members noticed how off he was. It might have been the part of him loosing enough weight all his ribs showed, or maybe that he would let people beat him up in fights, but either way they noticed. He was band from missions until they knew he wouldn't just let himself get beaten to death, and twice a week one of them tried to take him to a therapist. It didn't matter though. None of it had helped. He found his sole escape though.

The first time he took drugs it had been troublesome to forget what had happened, but that was back when he was fifteen and Saruhiko was still by his side. Now after everything all he wanted to do was forget. He did coke, heroin, perception pain killers, and started with weed. He found the weed still left him thinking and it was everything else that really helped. Coke was used the most often. His work now a days weren't anything anyone would call respectable. He did it to get by, and it was working.

He hadn't touched a cent of the fortune Saruhiko left him, and he moved out of the apartment. Everything Saruhiko owned put into storage along with anything that reminded Misaki of him. This left him with a one room apartment, a new wardrobe, a futon and the box of all their letters hidden in the closet. The cats had long since been taken away by Tatara since he could barely keep himself living.

It was time for him to move though. He got dressed in a pair a jeans with a loose fitting gray shirt. When he went into the bathroom he didn't see his reflection, since the mirror had been smashed to bits as soon as he saw his face and thought about how much Saruhiko liked it. Then he got his high and left to go sell.

He was very good at rolling in the cash, but when he first started out he made a few mistakes. He didn't get busted by the cops, but he had been beat up and robbed, left in the alley to wake up before he bled to death. He didn't care much since it wasn't that bad. When he went to pick up something in his second month there was a gang meeting and they decided he was pretty enough to be a doll, so they treated his body as if he was nothing more than that, a lifeless doll that wouldn't feel the pain of each member ripping him open. That was the first time he ever called anyone for help. Who knew he'd trust Erin the most out of everyone in that type of situation. If it had been even seven months before he'd have still called Saruhiko, and he knew that.

After getting out of the hospital he went on as he had before. Just this time doing twice as much to make up for the double agony of his life. In the hospital they were kind enough to pump enough morphine in him he didn't have to think still, and when he was released they gave him enough pills to be set for a bit. That was nearly three months ago, and he got smart since then.

Tonight went well. He made enough cash to be okay for another week. He was walking home when he saw them, Daisuke's wife and his two daughters. She was someone he met at the funeral, although she had been attending her husband's, not Saruhiko's. She was a kind woman, and the first person to get him to eat after the news. At that time her belly was still swollen from the pregnancy, and he had a clear enough mind to feel bad for her. He was simply left without a best friend and lover, but she was left with a young child and soon to be infant. It was during the conversation that he learned Daisuke was actually in death row like everyone else who was sent with Saruhiko. He believed it was all a mix up like she said, but he still wondered why such a guy like Daisuke would end up there.

"Hello, Misaki, how are you doing tonight?" She said happily the moment she saw him. "It's been so long! My you look horrible. Are you doing alright?" She had been smiling when she waved at him, but it dropped the moment she saw how his clothes hung off him and lifeless eyes.

"I'm fine. Need a hand with your groceries?" He asked in a monotone voice when she saw her struggling with a child on her hip and trying to hold two bags of food with a toddler in tow.

She gave him a look that said she knew he wasn't fine, but handed him both bags and picked up the bag her oldest was struggling with. "Well if that's the case the. Have dinner with us. We always have extras and I'm sure Nina wouldn't mind having a guest."

The little girl shook her head and said, "nope, it's boring with only mama and me all the time. Misaki Two is always welcome in my home." She smiled and if this had been maybe even five months earlier he would have returned it, but his face remained the same.

It was odd, but the two ended up living in the same area just a few blocks from each other after their men died. Her because she made too little being a single mother to live someplace better, and him because it made it easier to find clients and he didn't feel worth a nice place not infested with cockroaches. She had a slightly nicer place aside from making less, but she also made sure her kids grew up in a decent home still. It amazed him she could act so happy for them yet probably still cry herself to sleep every night. Maybe that's why he still respected her even though he couldn't stand happy people.

Halfway through dinner he realized he'd gone to long without anything. His hands were starting to shake, but when he tried to leave she insisted he stay until he was finished. He ended up staying until the dishes were done and the kids were asleep. She sent him home with a bit of the leftovers and a smile. By this point he was barely keeping his composure as he left and on until he got through his own door.

His mind had been turned on and now it was remembering everything; the rape, Saruhiko's smile, Saruhiko's corpse, his past, his present and finally he was could do nothing more than curl into a ball and scream because of all the thoughts attacking him. His mind was screaming from the migraine and he scream even louder into the pillow, not even aware he was sobbing. It could have been ten minutes to hours before he was able to sort out the thoughts. It was his first time sober since that night and it was the first time he felt so terrible, but really felt anything.

He felt he had cheated on Saruhiko. He hadn't meant to, but he still had sex. He felt like he couldn't say he really loved him if he let such a thing happen. He didn't account for the amount of drugs coursing through his veins at that time, or just how hard he fought them. He didn't think about how he screamed for him to help until he couldn't do more than whimper. It didn't matter he hadn't done anything to please himself since he thought he was alive. He had let someone other than Saruhiko touch him.

He didn't want to think. He just wanted it to all end. He took a full container of pills and downed them all until it was empty. The next thing he remembers is the vague feeling of being carried then repeatedly puking until it went black again.

He had a dream about Saruhiko, but this one was different then all the others he had had. Saruhiko didn't burst into flames until he was the same as Misaki had last seen him, but instead stayed living. After a date, and them holding each other Saruhiko started saying goodbye.

"Misaki, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. If only I could have been there with you." When Misaki was about to object Saruhiko stopped him. "It's fine if you start to move on. I want you to be happy. Remember how I told you if I died I want the people I love to keep living as best they could. Have you done this? No, you haven't. It's not your fault I'm gone, but it is your fault for not moving on. I know I'll always be in your heart, and maybe when your time comes we can be together again. I saw what happened that night, and I'm sorry I couldn't help you, but please don't think for a moment I blamed you. I love you more than anything and it breaks my heart you kill yourself everyday to forget about me. I understand it hurts, but it's also okay to cry. Cry until you can't anymore, then wake up to realize it's okay to hold other peoples hand, and start a new life. Just please don't return to the life your leading now. Goodbye my love." Before Misaki could say anything Saruhiko gave him a quick kiss and was gone.

When he awoke some days later he was in the hospital and in the corner was someone sleeping. It took a moment to focus and realize it was Rikio. Next to him was a nurse who came rushing over as soon as she realized he was up. She was quick and let everyone know he had regained consciousness. Before he was aware of it everyone close to him in Homra was there at his bed side.

Everyone tried hard to make sure he was okay. Tatara even managed to get his little babies into the hospital. Finally when everyone was gone it was just Mikoto and him. He had practically forced everyone to leave just to have a moment alone with him though.

"Misaki," he said in quiet voice like a mother worrying slash scolding her child for getting injured being stupid, "Why did you stop coming around the bar? You don't even see us anymore. When they come to check up on you, or take you to your therapist, you just push us away. We're your family. It's okay to rely on us sometimes. Don't be stupid and just selfishly try to take your own life. We care a lot about you and don't want to mourn another lost Homra member this year. Saruhiko wouldn't want you to do something so rash. He'd rather see you being stupid and having fun, then see you in so much pain. We're here for you." Mikoto patted Misaki's head then left. It was probably one of the longest speeches Misaki had ever heard from him, but it was what he needed. He cried himself to asleep, but it was the first time he felt a but relieved.

The next day Misaki had even more visitors. One of them was the most surprising and unwanted visitor he could have had, except maybe Awashima. Akiyama came by when no one else was there to tell Misak to get well. It wasn't the first time he had seen him since the funeral, not only as a chance meeting but Akiyama going out if his way to meet him. He had even come by the last time Misaki was in the hospital, and just as before Misaki started throwing anything in his reach at him until a nurse kicked him out for upsetting a patient. It wasn't even like Misaki hated the poor guy, or even had anything against him, but he was the one who got to be with Saruhiko. He didn't like Akiyama for the sole reason of jealousy than anything else. They could have probably been friends if it wasn't for the part he had been Saruhiko's longest lover ever. He didn't know then that Akiyama had barely left the hospital since Misaki was admitted.

The rest of the visitors were people from Homra of all ranks, even ones so far down Misaki hadn't even met them. He was one of the higher-ups so as protocol everyone had to check on him, even the king. Almost like Saruhiko's funeral where even though not many people knew him, and he had left, since he was high ranking they had to go or carry shame.

Misaki would have rather not have so many people, and everyone probably knew that except they wanted to make sure he didn't commit suicide again. It wasn't for another week Misaki could leave, though it wasn't leave to go home. They forced him to go to a mental hospital to watch his depression and try to make him better. Misaki didn't think it would help, but he had to try for Saruhiko.

After two months Misaki left when they said he was ready. He didn't feel ready. He was scared. He could sleep again, but it still required pills to induce it. He could look in the mirror without trying to claw at his face. He knew his impulses were more under control, and his drug addiction gone, but he still felt sad. He went to live with Tatara and Mikoto until they decided he was ready to take care of himself.

He stayed in the home for the first week, but slowly began to go out again. The first place he visited going out was Saurhiko's grave. He wanted to celebrate his birthday with him, even if he couldn't actually get older now. He of course cried, but he also felt happy. He made Saruhiko's favorite dishes to eat on his grave with him. He even ran into Akiyama and didn't try to kill him, but instead ate lunch with him. They started having lunch on Saruhiko's grave almost every week. This was one of the biggest healing processes for both of them in reality.

He also started going to the bar more often. He got a respectable job at Monkey Burger's because the name made him think of Saruhiko, and because his therapist said a job might help. Misaki and him had dinner a few times, each time commenting on how much better he was looking.

It wasn't until November he was able to read all the letters though. He cried, as he always would, but this time it was in part from joy. He could say he was honestly loved and take pride in it. He missed Saruhiko so much, but part of him started believing he was just on a long trip and he'd return soon. He knew it wasn't true, but it gave him some peace.

A week later on their picnic Akiyama confessed to Misaki. "Misaki, I have something I want to tell you." He paused for a second to see if Misaki would stop him. "I think I've fallen for you. Well actually I think I knew that since July when I thought I lost you, but I knew I couldn't say anything. I think Saruhiko will always be a part of our hearts, so don't think I'm trying to take you from him or make myself a replacement. I'm sure he'd be okay if he saw both of us happy. "

Misaki sat there stunned for a second before smiling. "I think I'm okay with that. If you had asked me two weeks ago I couldn't say it, but I agree knowing how much Saruhiko and I loved each other. Let's ask for his blessing before we go on any dates." It had been a rainy day that day , but after they both spoke to Saruhiko a beautiful rainbow broke through the clouds as if saying it was alright.

It was two weeks on that spot Misaki got his first kiss. He realized that it would all be okay and he was still living out Saruhiko's last wishes. He was happy, and after he held Himori for the first time he was finally happy he had found him in his house before he died that night. A year had past since the letter saying Saruhiko's feelings, but it feels like a century since then. He loves them both, just Himori is who he needs now.

Author's Note: Yo, yo, yo! Happy holidays to one and all! So this idea was brought after the last review so round of applause to that genius. I didn't expect this story to end like this(besides the whole tragic end to Saruhiko). I feel a bit bad it's taken almost a year to finish this, when it was supposed to take 4-6 months.

Thank you everyone who has read to this point, reviewed, favorited and had feels I feel so proud to have finally finished publishing my first chapter fic. When I say first I mean as in first time to finish... I dig writing that pwp :3