Hi. This is the author.
A few of my readers PM'ed me, asking me if I was alright. This story shows you the exact answer, which is no, I am not.
I'm going to post this story just to clear your thoughts. I'm going to be gone for a little while before I continue updating my fics. I'm sorry. Shit is not going well in my life. I rarely write depressing stories but I felt I needed one now.
Few things before you start reading this shitload of angst and tears story.
'before.' - marks the flashbacks. Everything else is present tense.
I don't know about your country, but we have a tradition concerning flowers. If a person is alive, you give him an uneven number of flowers, since he still has a lot to get from life. If the person is not alive, we give him an even amount of flowers, since he already got everything from life. That's why Namie mentions two tulips.
If you have any questions, do not hesitate asking, I will reply.
This is M rated because of little smut and bullshit emotions.
If you want to review, you can, if you don't - alright. It's not my right to ask for reviews on this particular kind of story.
I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU LISTEN TO THIS PLAYLIST WHILE READING.
Innerpartysystem - This Town, Your Grave.
Sleeping With Sirens - Stomach Tied In Knots.
30 Seconds To Mars - A Modern Myth.
Sick Puppies - White Balloons.
Red - Glass House.
One Ok Rock - Be The Light.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own DRRR or any of it's characters.
This story begins with someone vanishing.
It does not concern you. It shouldn't leave you feeling weak, petrified or wailing. It's a two people story that does not end the way you would want it to. I am tired of hearing the same encouragements every day.
"Shizuo, he's going to be okay."
"40 % of them wake up."
"His heart is beating."
"His brain is working."
"He moves his fingers when you're with him."
It's not hard to feel lost without a person when you didn't feel any kind of attachment to him or her. I did. I felt the attachment. I felt more than that, if I could say it out loud.
The problem is he wouldn't hear me. It has gone way past the point where he could. I would go to the hospital every single fucking day to see his barely moving chest, hoping that one day I'd see his crimson stare again. I barely talked these days. I didn't want him to be annoyed. I didn't smoke anymore. All for him and his stupid body that refused to be alive.
If only you didn't get involved with Shiki and his gang. If only you listened to what others told you. If only you didn't trust yourself as much as you did before. If only, if only you realized how much I loved you.
Please come back to me.
The first time we kissed was what changed our paths altogether. Our usual messy fights destroyed half of Ikebukuro but this time, I avoided crashing any vending machines into his head. I was in for the kill.
No jokes, no screams of anger – complete concentration on my pray. Izaya started the chase as usual. Provoked me into running after him.
He caught on to my little game in a matter of seconds. I was sure it was a change of tact not to shout at him. Izaya was a smart guy. He understood that this time was different from the others. This time, he might actually die from my own hand.
It didn't take him long to lead me into a dead end alleyway. I didn't think it would be this easy to push him against the wall. It was way too simple.
I remember his devilish smile quirking up and annoying the shit out of me.
"Come on, Shizu-chan," he breathed out, while my hand nearly crushed his neck. "It's your lucky day. C'mon. Kill me. Kill me."
His eyes did not show fear. I stared at him in disbelief, the blue hue of my glasses distorting the view of his face. His ruby hue gaze was nothing compared to the way his body relaxed beneath mine.
Izaya was ready for this. After all these years of chasing and yelling and hatred, he gave up. So fucking easily.
"What are you waiting for?" he suddenly shouted at the top of his lungs. "Crush me! Make this body lifeless! Kick my guts out, make my blood spill on the ground!"
He sounded like a maniac, begging for a new life.
"Is Shizu-chan afraid?" he accused. "Are you? Fuck you, Shizuo. Fuck you and your stupid deliverance!"
My grip tightened and his eyes gave out the calmness he was feeling. That's how I understood I didn't want him dead. I wanted him alive.
He saw my hesitation. Izaya felt how I unwrapped my fingers from his neck, leaving him a choice to run away. He didn't.
Instead, he leaned in.
I wasn't expecting the kiss to be so mind-blowing good. I wasn't supposed to like the feeling of his lips against mine, the way his peachy skin brushed my upper lip. I definitely didn't suspect his saliva would taste as good as it did. He wasn't the one to deepen the kiss. The moment I understood this was not meant to be, this was just a haste in our plan, I poked my tongue on his lips and he granted me access.
Izaya's hands were in my hair, tangled in flocks of gold, rushing the sensation we both felt. My fingers roamed beneath his shirt, making sure his flesh belonged to me and only to me. Izaya's low moan erupted in between our kiss, driving me over to the edge of insanity.
When Izaya drew back, I lingered for a while before opening my eyes. He didn't move a single inch away from me, he just openly stared at me, a trail of saliva hanging on his lips.
Izaya slowly licked it off and breathed out. "I'm tired of our games, Shizu-chan," he whispered.
"Did you plan this?" I let out a low growl. He put our foreheads together. Somehow, I didn't have a single wish to kill or punch him. I wanted him to stay in my arms for as long as it was possible.
Izaya nodded and placed a butterfly kiss on my cheek. "I was so tired of not knowing the taste of death on my lips."
"I'm not death," I said and he giggled.
"On the contrary, Shizu-chan," he said in response. "You're going to be the death of me."
Two weeks without him beside me, whispering in my ear. Two fucking weeks without him warming my bed in the morning. Fourteen fucking days without him kissing me like there was no tomorrow.
I was so afraid of every god damn rise of the sun. I was desperately clinging to my phone, partially terrified of a call, partially expecting one.
When I was sure no one called me through the night, I would dress up, call Tom and tell him I was okay. He then would assure me I had all the time in the world and I was welcome to come back to work whenever. I would thank him, click the phone off and rush to the hospital.
My routine was the same every day.
Izaya was practically lifeless these days. His lean body wrapped in white sheets, millions of tubes attached to his skin. As far as I could tell, his porcelain skin was stained with blue and red. Countless needles harassed his skin in just two weeks.
He fell into a coma after his body rejected feeling the pain from the crash. Doctors did everything they could to help him survive. There was a 20% chance of him waking up. I hung on to those words, believing they were true.
I knew he was a lucky bastard. The crash crumbled several of his bones, three of them into dust. Doctors told me it was a miracle he was still alive.
Today, they told me Izaya had three days to wake up, or else his brain will start detaching itself.
"What are you two doing here?" Shinra yelled while trying to hold the door, so we wouldn't get inside.
Izaya looked at me and rolled his eyes. I still couldn't believe it took us about seven days to understand we were capable of liking each other.
"We're only here to get some of my stuff from your room," Izaya said.
Shinra paused before answering. "My room?"
"I wouldn't push it, Shinra," I grumbled, embarrassed with the whole situation. Fucking Flea had a knack of pissing me off by suggesting ideas like this. Apparently, Izaya had a shitload of things he hid in Shinra's apartment, in order for me not to destroy them if I found Izaya's living place.
"But you have to explain yourselves," he whimpered. I kicked the door once again and he yelped. "Shizuo, calm down, I just need to understand –"
"We are DATING," Izaya said. "Do I need to spell it out for you? D.A.T.I.N.G. Alright?"
Shinra opened the door in an eye-blink. He glared at us for a few seconds before opening his mouth to ask more questions but saw the look on my face. Izaya smiled and threw his hand around my neck, still not letting his gaze down Shinra's face.
"Shizu-chan and I – we're an item now."
I confirmed it by wrapping my free hand around Izaya's waist.
Shinra was on the verge of collapsing.
Celty appeared and stopped in her tracks. Shinra clung to her hand, whimpering like a lost puppy.
"This is the end of the world," Shinra said.
I scribbled letters to Izaya. I've never written any of my feelings on a paper before but I felt like it. Especially when I guarded Izaya by his bed.
The breeze coming out of the open window was nerve-wrecking. Everything felt so alive. It wasn't supposed to be like this. The whole world had to crumble down with Izaya. That is how things worked.
But the world didn't stop spinning. People didn't stop living. I didn't stop breathing.
I heard someone knock on the door. I turned to see who it was and was slightly taken aback by the peculiar view before me – Namie.
Out of all people?
She nodded at me and approached Izaya's bed. She was holding three tulips. I decided I should give her some time with Izaya and was about to stand up and go when she shook her head.
"No, stay, I'm here for a few minutes."
I watched her as she added the flowers to a humble bundle on the counter next to Izaya's bed. She looked over at Izaya and fixed her hair.
"Didn't think it would turn out this way." Her voice was a faint whisper. I gulped down, hiding the letters from her. "He called himself God, you know."
"Yeah," I said.
"He was always so confident in himself," she continued, her voice cracking. My eyes widened, since I've never heard Namie so vulnerable. "I hated him so fucking much, yet this bastard gets himself almost killed and now look at him!" she gestured at Izaya.
I was speechless.
"I should've brought two flowers," Namie said, hugging herself.
"He's not dead yet," I said.
"You really believe he's going to wake up?" she lifted her eyes at me and I saw trails of iridescent tears flowing down her cheeks.
She left without another word.
I picked the pen up and continued scribbling.
Izaya pushed his apartment door open and made a 'ta-da' sound.
He was filthy rich, this bastard.
Apart from being a modern little shit, Izaya sure knew how to handle a peaceful home. Everything about his place screamed 'comfortable'. His kitchen, his living-room, even his bathroom.
I didn't dare looking into his bedroom yet.
"Want something to eat?" he asked, rummaging in the kitchen.
I was sitting on his living room couch, taking the view in. His windows faced the most beautiful panorama of the city I've ever seen.
We have been dating for almost three weeks now. It felt like a colorful second to me. Every day I would find out something new about Izaya and his perks.
I've never felt so much for a person before.
This was my first time in his apartment. Usually, we stayed over at my place, since it was closer to Ikebukuro. This time, he insisted I come over to his place. This time, I was sure he had something up his sleeve.
He came into the room holding a bottle of wine and two glasses.
"What's that for?" I asked, taking one of the glasses. He smirked, sitting beside me.
"Our three week anniversary," he said. "I didn't think we'd be so close for such a long time. This needs a little celebration."
I snorted. He opened the bottle and poured a generous amount of wine into my glass and proceeded doing the same to his.
"Don't tell me you didn't think we'd break up or kill one another in two weeks," he said and lifted his eyebrow at me. I clung my glass with his and sipped the delicious sweet liquid.
"At first I did," I said. "Now I'm not that sure."
He looked at me as if he didn't believe his ears. I leaned in a bit to steal a chaste kiss and left him smiling.
"Hey," I said when Izaya curled up to me. "You said you hated sweet shit."
"Wine isn't that bad," he said. "Especially when I can do this."
He sipped some of the wine and reached for my chin. I instantly knew what he was aiming for, so when our lips crashed, I parted them to taste the wine mixed with Izaya's saliva.
Oh, it felt amazing.
"See," he said and gulped the rest of the wine down. I followed him and didn't think twice before he climbed into my lap and attacked me with all of our lust combined.
Something started ringing. Izaya drew back for a second, never leaving my lap and fished out his phone out of his pocket. "Orihara Izaya at your service," he said and played with my hair.
There was a silence. Izaya looked concerned for a nanosecond, well, until his face changed into anger.
"Fuck you, Shiki."
He then threw his phone away, making it crash into the wall.
"Now, where were we?" he asked but I stopped him midway.
"What did Shiki want?"
He shrugged. "Who cares. I'm done with him and his people. Can we continue, ne?" Izaya said and dragged his fingers down my chest. My breath hitched in my throat, deceiving me and my wish to know what happened with Shiki and Izaya.
The way Izaya's teeth grazed the tip of my ear was unraveling. My whole body shuddered at the sensation.
I groaned in response. Izaya smirked into our yet another kiss and started ripping my shirt apart.
So this was his plan.
I liked this plan.
I chuckled and pushed him away, making our bodies tangled and I felt resistance from his side. Seeing it playful, I climbed on top. Izaya wrapped his legs around me, teasingly brushing his crotch against mine.
I let out a breath and looked at him. "I can see through your scheme, Flea," I said, half smiling half serious.
"Oh, do you now, Shizu-chan," he said. "And what does Captain Obvious want to do about this plan of mine?"
I kissed him. "Exactly what you want," I whispered into his lips.
He let out a little moan when I licked down his neck, trailing his skin. Izaya didn't wait for my sign and unbuckled my pants, slowly sliding his hand down them and groping my now quite big bulge. My hands roamed under his black shirt, pushing it away from my grand prize.
His chest was flat (no shit, right) yet somehow sexy as hell. Izaya gasped when I licked one of his nipples, handling them with care.
The whole process of our clothes ending up on the floor was lighting quick. Our bodies wrapped together, moving in a unison was what made me believe I was engulfed by Izaya. We fit together perfectly.
As I was hitting his sweet spot over and over again, hearing his loud and uneven moans, I figured I could never get used to him. I would want more, search for more and hunt for more.
Izaya's half-lidded eyes were enormously sexy. I thrust into him, jacking him off at the same time. I couldn't help but wonder how could he remain hard through this. His nails were grazing my skin whenever I did something right, so I angled myself differently with each thrust, gaining his approval.
I kissed him before letting my load out.
He kissed me before covering our stomachs with his.
We kissed before falling asleep together in his bed, cuddling in our madness.
I held his hand next to my heart. He was breathing into a tube, refusing to show me any kind of movement.
"I wanted you to know that –" I started.
It was not my division, these feelings. I wanted to scream and shout them out, make him believe it was worth it waking up.
If only I noticed he was in the wrong path with Shiki. We would've prevented this situation. I could've told him I loved him in a different way.
Now I didn't know if I was talking to him, or to his body only.
"Izaya," I said, burrowing my head into the sheets next to him. "Izaya, I'm… I'm so lonely without you."
He didn't respond. I gulped down some air.
"Don't make me say it, you fucking bastard Flea."
"You're asking for it, god damnit, you know you are."
Ear bleeding silence.
"I'm in love with you," I said. "You once told me there is a difference between 'I love you' and 'I'm in love with you'."
I have never cried in my life. Never shed a tear for anyone.
"So there you go," I said, my voice trembling with every syllable. "I am in love with you."
"Please, I'm begging you."
"I'm in love with you, Flea."
"Izaya, I'm in love with you."
I woke up to an empty bed.
Six months with Izaya was more than a happy dream. I had everything I wanted.
I looked at the clock next to our bed. It was three a.m.
I heard something in the kitchen. Jumping out of the bed, I was prepared for anything – burglars, assasins or whatever but instead I found Izaya. He was popping a champagne bottle open, a glass standing on the kitchen counter.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.
He glanced at me. Turned to the cupboard and grabbed another glass.
"Remember how we celebrated our three week anniversary?" he asked.
I nodded and grinned. "How could I fucking forget? We couldn't keep our hands to ourselves."
"Just like all the time," he said, smiling.
I watched him pour some champagne into the glasses and saw something in his eyes.
"Are you okay?"
He shook his head. "Let's just drink. I don't want to talk about it."
We moved to the same couch in his living-room and I pulled him into an embrace. He didn't fight it.
"You know I'm here for you, Flea, spit it out."
He fidgeted with his glass before drinking some of it. "Disgusting," he said and sipped again. "I have a theory, Shizu-chan."
He got comfortable on my lap. "There is a difference between saying you love someone or that you are in love with someone."
I gulped the drink down.
"Saying 'I love you' is absolutely normal. It doesn't carry the message properly. That's what I learned from observing humans.
"I've never been in love, Shizu-chan. It was a secret to me, like all human emotions. Until I understood its meaning," he breathed in. "I'm in love with you. So much it hurts and I feel human."
It was as if my world stopped.
"I am so in love with you," he said and turned to me so he could capture my lips.
I didn't have time to respond. I knew he was hiding something from me.
I knew it, because he had a call the day before. I heard him shouting and saying the name 'Shiki'. Oh, how I wished I saw the approach of a storm earlier.
I didn't go to the hospital today.
I didn't check my phone.
I didn't want to burden myself with the constant fear of him not waking up.
I didn't know he would feel death on his lips as soon as he told me he loved me.
"Shizuo," Shinra said, his voice shockingly calm. "Izaya's in the hospital."
It was the day after Izaya told me he loved me. I was at work, minding my own business, until my phone rang and I checked the caller ID.
My world crumbled down.
After explaining the situation to Tom, I rushed to the hospital, finding Shinra and Celty already there.
Apparently, Izaya was in a cab. He was in a hurry. Another car crashed into them. No one else made it out alive.
He was almost dead.
When the Doctor came out, he announced Izaya was in a coma.
Shinra explained it was all Shiki's fault. Izaya cancelled all his work plans only because he got together with me. He wanted to feel human. Shiki didn't like Izaya's idea.
That's why Shiki called Izaya a million times. That's why Izaya refused to talk to him. That's why Izaya changed multiple phones, in order to avoid Shiki.
That's why Izaya almost died in a car crash that wasn't supposed to happen.
Izaya knew he would die today.
I remember darkness.
They confirmed a clinical brain death.
Two days after.
His parents and sisters arranged a funeral.
Three days after.
I placed my letters into his open coffin, right above his heart. I couldn't overcome the thought I wouldn't see his eyes ever again.
I wasn't prepared for what came after. I wasn't prepared to know I didn't have time to tell him I loved him while he was still alive.
I hated myself for not stopping him, for not trying to understand what was going on between him and Shiki.
I hoped it was better for him up there somewhere.
The only true thing I had left was my feelings.
I loved him.
And I still do.
Well, I'm sure I'm going to burn this when you wake up. I mean, it would be funny for you to read what I've written. I don't want to seem a sappy idiot. You know I'm not.
You can stop pretending you're asleep now. It's hard recovering from a crash. But being you, it's kind of easy, yeah? I wish it was easy.
Here I am, again, writing a letter.
Today, Celty and Shinra were here. They told me I shouldn't wait for you but who the fuck cares. I'm here to protect you, as I promised countless times, right? I wanted to apologize for all those injuries I gave you when we were still rivals. I know you already forgave me for them but it doesn't hurt to ask again.
They told me you had three days to wake up. I don't want you to die. I don't know how I'm supposed to live while you're away. I don't want to become that monster again. Ikebukuro suffered enough of our stupidity for one lifetime, don't you think?
I hope you read this when you're awake. I'm leaving it next to your bed, just in case.
You have two days left, idiot. I totally respect your decision to wake up at the last second, being the troll you are. Just wake up, alright? I feel so gay writing letters but it's the only thing keeping me sane these days.
I Love You I Love You I Love You I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
I love you so much. I know I'm supposed to say I'm in love with you but I'm reserving it for your grand waking up.
I'm so sorry I didn't have time to tell you I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for the past six months. I can't thank you enough for everything you gave me within our love story. I ain't being romantic and all that shit but I can't stop thinking about you and how I could've saved you and us.
I am so so so sorry, Izaya.
Take care of yourself up there, alright, Flea?
With all my love,