A Bonding Experience
"You know what?" said Mimi, "the digital world is really, really boring! Not a shopping mall or hairdressers or cinema in sight!"
"No computer stores," sighed Izzy.
"No soccer pitch or athletics carnivals," sighed Tai.
"No cute girls," sighed Matt. Mimi slapped him on the arm and Sora frowned.
"No playground or skating rink," sighed TK.
"No school," sighed Joe.
"Joe, you're weird," said Mimi.
"Hey, you don't comment on Izzy's computer stores but you have a problem with school?"
"Everyone normal has a problem with school," said Tai.
"I don't," said Izzy.
"Well," said Gomamon cheerfully, "the digital world might not have all those things, but it doesn't need it!"
"Yeah," agreed Palmon, "who needs shopping malls and skating rinks when you have trees?"
"And the ocean!" continued Gomamon.
"And giant sea dragons!" said Patamon happily, joining in. Everyone sweatdropped.
"Yeah..." said Mimi, "well, as much terrific fun as a bunch of boring trees and rocks and killer monsters are, I sure wish there was something NORMAL we could do."
"Hey Izzy," said Joe, "are you online at the moment? Can I check my e-mail?"
"Ummm, sure," said Izzy reluctantly, not wanting to seem mean, "but make sure you don't get dirt on the keys. And don't touch that icon there. And don't interrupt the mp3 that's downloading. And Don't Crash Anything Or I Will Rip You Into Tiny Pieces And... err... that is, enjoy!"
Everyone had sweatdrops and Joe took the Pineapple laptop very nervously, terrified to even touch it, and as such almost immediately dropped it.
"WAAAAUGH!" screeched Izzy, diving for it. He clutched it protectively to his chest and glowered at everyone, especially Joe.
"Sorry! Sorry!" shouted Joe, panicking.
"Hey, you can get the real world internet on that?" asked Matt, getting a little interested.
"Yay, let's all go on it!" said Mimi.
"WOAH!" shouted Izzy, "no way!"
He imagined the thought of Mimi using his computer and shuddered. Either she would change the desktop theme and make everything pink, or somehow irrepairably crash everything in five seconds. Izzy himself wouldn't have known how to do this, but in his experience, computer idiots are capable of making mistakes that computer experts can't.
"Hey, yeah man," said Tai, "chill out! We've been walking a long time and it'd be good to have a break!"
"I can't wait to check out the latest star gossip," said Mimi, "I miss my magazines!"
"Naww, let's go to a fun site," protested TK.
"How about a chatroom?" said Matt.
"How about, in your dreams!" said Izzy.
"Aww, c'mon," said Tai, "we won't break it! I'm good with computers!"
Izzy shuddered again.
"Why don't you go to the sites on our behalf and we'll sit around you and not touch anything," suggested Joe finally, "I'd really like a chance to get in a bit of extra studying if that's possible."
"C'mon, Izzy," said Tentomon, "share your gift with the world!"
"Well, if you don't want to let us online I guess we'll just have to find some other way to occupy our time!" said Gomamon cheerfully, "how about I perform a little song for you? YOU KNOOOOOW IT'S CRAAAAAZY BUT IT AIN'T NO LIIIIIIE BABY BYEEEEEE BYEEEEE BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Auggh!" shouted Izzy, clapping his hands over his ears, "I didn't realise bad music transcends dimensional barriers! Fine, we can use my computer! Use it as long as you like! Just promise me you won't SING, Gomamon!"
"Not a problem," said Gomamon, snickering.
"You know, I really wonder how that voice didn't wake Shogungekomon up," Tai muttered to Joe, "I didn't realise anyone could have a singing voice THAT painful to listen to."
"You're no Pavarotti yourself, Tai," sulked Gomamon.
"Hey, I'm a great singer," protested Tai.
"Yeah, if you're deaf," said Gomamon.
"So, you wanted to check your e-mail?" said Izzy, "where's your account, Joe?"
Izzy sighed a little and typed hotmail.com into the browser. "I really find it difficult to understand why you'd opt to acquire an e-mail address with Hotmail," he said, "you know, it's owned by Microsoft. Microsoft are really a -"
"Izzy, PLEASE don't launch into another one of your 'Microsoft is demon spawn' rants," begged Tentomon.
"What's your user name, Joe?" asked Izzy.
"Umm, uhhh... well, that is..." Joe lowered his voice and spoke very quickly, "srrstuh."
"Is that English?" asked Izzy, "could you repeat that?"
Joe leaned over and hissed something into his ear. Joe had a strange look on his face.
"Sorry, I can't make out what you're trying to say," said Izzy.
"Yeah, just hurry up and check your e-mail already," said Mimi.
"Tell us your user name, Joe," said Gomamon.
"Oh, don't worry about it, I'll check it some other day," said Joe.
"JOE!" everyone shouted at once.
"FINE! It's CYBERSTUD, okay?!"
There was a brief, stunned pause and everyone started laughing simultaneously, very hard.
"Is there - hehhh - an... an... BWAHAHAHAHA!"
Joe, now bright red and with a large sweatdrop, looked unimpressed.
"Is there a what, Izzy?"
"Is there - is there - an underscore in that name... er, 'Cyber Stud'?"
Izzy collapsed into laughter again. Joe glared and snatched the laptop away and accessed his account himself. After a while, the others composed themselves (a little) and leaned over to have a look.
"Hey Joe," said Tai, "what're all those e-mails from 'Beach Babe'?"
"And 'Sex Goddess'?" asked Sora, trying to look concerned while really struggling not to laugh.
"And 'SupaChick27'?" asked Gomamon.
"And 'GlamourGrrl'?" asked Mimi.
"It appears 'Cyber Stud' has quite an online harem," said Izzy, and started choking with laughter again. Everyone else followed suit except TK who looked a little confused. After a moment, he shrugged and laughed too - if the others were having fun, he would too.
"Hey, Joe," said Tai, "let's see what SexyStunner has to say in that e-mail with the subject 'I want you, X X X'."
"Hey, TK," said Matt suddenly, "why don't you go with Patamon and look for something to eat?"
"Yay, food!" said Patamon cheerfully. He hadn't been enjoying the general hilarity because he hadn't understood most of it. "Let's go, TK!"
"Don't go too far away!" Matt said.
Matt sighed in relief as his little brother followed Patamon into the bushes, then leaned forward eagerly.
"Go on, let's see this e-mail!"
"I don't think we want to," said Mimi, looking nauseated.
"It's a very personal correspondence," said Joe, trying to look dignified, "I think I'll just read it some other time."
He quickly closed the browser window and Izzy, Tai and Matt all groaned.
"Check the sports results now," said Sora.
"Yeaaah!" agreed Tai enthusiastically.
"Sports are so boring," said Mimi, "just a bunch of sweaty men running around trying to maneouvre a ball."
"You know, some girls play sport too," said Sora evenly as Izzy did a search.
"Yeah, but they're weird," said Mimi, "why play sport when you can go shopping?"
"Because playing sport is actually FUN?" said Sora, starting to get annoyed.
"Yeah if you like breaking your ankle and getting your hair all messy," said Mimi.
"Only bad players break bones, and your hair doesn't get messy if you wear a helmet!"
"Yeah, but helmets are sooo unfashionable and they leave your hair kind of smushed and icky!"
"Mimi, I happen to be wearing a helmet and besides, that giant cowboy hat you're wearing isn't any better you know!"
"There is absolutely nothing wrong with my hat, you just have no taste, Sora Takenouchi!"
"Hey Sora," said Tai, "your favourite player got two goals in the last match but then got taken off with a broken ankle! Looks like he might be out for the rest of the season?"
"WHAT?!" screeched Sora. She snapped back to reality and was soon busy reading the sports pages with Tai. Mimi muttered "broken ankle" and sulked.
After they were finished, Mimi insisted on her turn and started downloading about ten mp3s at once. Which made her search through fashion pages take about ten times longer.
"I hope you don't really expect us to have to listen to these mp3s, Mimi," said Izzy, "and I REALLY hope you don't expect me to keep them on MY computer."
"But this is great music!" she protested, "anyway, what sort of music do YOU like?"
Joe laughed. "The same music all hackers like," he said, finding Izzy's mp3 folders.
"Limp Bizkit? Eminem? What are all these weird bands?" said Mimi, "don't you have any Hanson or Spice Girls or Kylie Minogue?"
"Ugh, NO!" shouted Izzy.
"Ooooh, halter-necks at half price!" squealed Mimi, "does anyone have a credit card number I can type in?"
"Mimi, one of your mp3s has finished downloading," said Matt, to change the subject.
"Oh goodie!" she said happily, and opened it.
"'Life is a rollercoaster'," read Gomamon, "what, it makes you throw up and lose your glasses?"
Everyone looked at Joe. He sweatdropped. "Hey, he asked me a while ago what a rollercoaster was..."
"We figured, yeh," said Tai.
The song was playing now and Izzy wore a very obvious look of distaste. Mimi sang along, oblivious.
"Hey baby, you really got my tail in a spin..."
"Humans have tails too?" asked Gomamon, wagging his.
"Hey baby, I don't even know where to begin..."
"Why not at the start?" said Gomamon cheerfully.
"But baby, I got one thing I want you to know..."
"Wherever you go, tell me 'cos I'm gonna go..."
"We found love..."
"Was it between the sofa cushions or behind your dressing table?"
"So don't fight it..."
"Put up your dukes!"
"GOMAMON," shouted Mimi, "we DON'T require the running commentary!"
"But I cheerfully supply it anyway!"
"Our love is a mystery, girl..."
"Leave it to me, Watson!"
"Keating, not Watson."
"You really got me flying tonight..."
"A human with a tail AND wings?" said Gomamon, "why can't YOU be more interesting like this guy, Joe?"
"Because I'm not a famous singer!" snapped Joe.
"You almost got us punched in a fight..."
"Looks like she didn't listen when he said not to fight it!"
"GOMAMON, SHUT UUUUUUUUP!" screamed Mimi, going bright red. Everyone was silent except for 'Life is a Rollercoaster' playing quietly in the background. Gomamon shrunk back.
"Wherever you go, tell me 'cos I'm gonna show," sang the computer.
"If the girl's going she's probably goin' for a reason."
Gomamon managed to contain himself through the next verse but when the computer (and Mimi) came to "can't you feel my heart", he started laughing.
"What, she's disemboweling him now? HAHAHAHAHA!"
"WILL you shut up?"
"But Mimi! If she's feeling his heart how is he singing the song?"
Mimi drop-kicked him.
Joe caught him and glared at Mimi. Everyone else was laughing.
"I like Gomamon's version of this song MUCH better!" said Izzy.
"You're all impossible," sulked Mimi, and played another song that had since downloaded. Joe clamped Gomamon's mouth shut and everyone else suffered in silence.
When TK and Patamon came back, they wondered why all the big kids besides Mimi, Izzy and Joe had their hands over their ears and were as far away from the computer as they could be while still being in the forest clearing. Most of the Digimon had long since gone to sleep or were also looking for food, having little interest in the human's internet.
Izzy was still at his computer, wearily clicking on or typing in whatever Mimi commanded. He would have liked to have been well away but did not trust her with his computer.
"We couldn't find any food," sighed TK, "unless you count spinach or broccoli and I don't wanna eat ANYTHING that's GREEN unless it's got lots of sugar in it!"
"Hey TK," said Matt, "is there anything you want to look up on the internet?"
"I'm not finished yet!" protested Mimi, "look, there's twelve more pages of the latest summer fashions!"
"Mimi, you've been on it for much longer than any of us," said Tai, "frankly I think if we have to sit here listening to teenybopper music any more we'll all want to hurl that computer into a tree."
"Already do," said Sora.
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" screeched Izzy, grabbing up his computer and hugging it to his chest protectively.
"Well, I guess TK can look at it for a little while," huffed Mimi, "just so long as he doesn't interrupt any of my downloads! I've got the latest Backstreet Boys single in that lot!"
"Here, TK, you can go on the computer yourself if you like," said Izzy, setting the computer down in front of the younger boy.
"Hey," said Tai, "you wouldn't let US use your computer without your 'help' so why're you letting him?"
Izzy shrugged. Actually he was hoping that TK would crash the computer somehow and prevent any Backstreet Boys songs from downloading.
But TK was a child of the technological age and was soon on a search engine, stumblingly typing 'patamon' in.
"Hey, you know what?" said Izzy, "I never thought of looking up Digimon on the internet."
"Well, nothing will come up," said Matt as they waited for the page to load, "I mean, no humans know about the digital world."
"Except us," said Sora.
"782 sites found!" yelped Joe.
"Hey, we might be onto something!" said Matt.
TK flicked from page to page, dissatisfied with anything he could find about Patamon. After a few minutes, the kids all paused and looked at each other. What they had seen was interesting.
"They're talking like the digital world is just some TV show," said Sora, awed.
"No kidding," said Joe, "the last page SAID, and I quote, 'Digimon is a popular kid's TV show'."
"My theory is that the internet we are accessing belongs to one of those many alternate, slightly different worlds that Gennai mentioned," said Izzy.
"Oh no, does that mean those lovely clothes aren't really on sale after all?" said Mimi.
"Well, if we're on TV, I'd like to see what people are saying about me!" said Tai, "I bet I'm the most popular character."
"In your dreams, Tai," said Matt, "chicks dig the cool, aloof sort of guy!"
"Bet you five bucks they dig ME," said Tai.
"You're both crazy," said Mimi, "we all know the fans just love a pretty face and I'm afraid the only one of us who qualifies on that count would be myself!"
"What about me?" said Gomamon, pretending to be hurt.
"Well, if you're into furry chipmunk faces..." said Mimi.
"I'm a SEAL, not a CHIPMUNK!" squawked Gomamon, "the two are not difficult to tell apart!"
"Guys, this could be MOST interesting," said Izzy. Everyone completely forgot about chats, fashions, bad music and sport, and was eager to find out more about this 'show'. And so they busied themselves for hours to come.
"'Tai is the leader of the group. Stubborn and reckless -' HEY! 'he nonetheless learns how to be an effective leader and without him the group would be lost.' Thank you, thank you very much."
"Leader schmeader. Let's see what it says for me. 'The "cool guy" of the group' - that's me alright - 'Matt is soooo gorgeous and I'm in love with his deep blue eyes."
"It so does NOT say that!"
"Read for yourself, Tai."
"This webmistress is obviously delusional."
"'Sora is the most boring member of the cast and there's really no point in her existing at all'. Well, it sure is nice to see how UNBIASED this webmaster is. I'll show her boring. Izzy, can you hack into her website?"
"Yes but that's highly unorthodox..."
"Says he with all the pirated software and cracks."
"'Mimi is the group's fashion guru and biggest whiner. She finds it hard to adjust to being in the digital world and gets upset when the kids' Digimon friends die.' Whiner? Me? I do NOT whine, how daaaare she say that I whine she makes me sound like some little brat who always wants her own way that's so unfair I can't STAAAAAND people like that!"
"Mimi, you're whining now."
"I am not. And what's this about Digimon friends DYING? That's not in our job description, is it?"
"I sure hope not."
"'Izzy is the computer nerd of the group.' Actually I prefer to think of myself as a technological genius but at least they recognise my talents."
"Gee Izzy, don't think you're getting a big head there do ya?"
"'Joe is the 'cautious one of the group' and tries to look out for everyone else's responsibility.' That's me, alright, old reliable Joe!"
"It also says you complain about everything and you're the biggest wimp out of the whole group, Joe."
"THANK YOU GOMAMON, I can read."
"And it says you're allergic to everything and you're a weakling and - urrk!"
"THANK YOU, GOMAMON! Hmpf. Well, if it says that about me I bet YOUR entry will be even worse."
"It says here that I'm cute, friendly, brave, and one of the coolest Digimon."
"I can't believe this. What sort of a warped TV show is this?"
"It's just true to life, Joe!"
"Oh shut up."
"It's got a link here for a good place to find Digimon fanfiction."
"Fanfiction? What's fanfiction?"
"That's where a fan of a TV series, movie or book writes their own stories about it."
"This should be most interesting!"
"Oooh, look at all the stories!"
"What does 'Taito' mean?"
"Beats me. But if it's got my name in it, it's gotta be good! Click on the link already!"
"Tai, is there something you're not telling me?!"
"Aww, but you and Matt make such a cute couple!"
"WHAT SORT OF THING IS THAT TO SAY?!"
"Anyway, according to this 'fic', Tai's in love with Sora."
"And Sora's in love with Matt."
"And Matt's in love with Mimi."
"And Mimi's in love with Izzy."
"And Izzy's in love with Joe!"
"And Joe's in love with Mimi."
"And Mimi's in love with Sora."
"And Sora's in love with TK."
"And TK's in love with Kari."
"KARI? He'd better not be! Touch my little sister and I'll cream you!"
"Tai, relax, it's merely fiction! Besides, if you take this seriously you're in love with Matt, Sora, Mimi... oh, here's one with you and Joe."
"Can we please stop looking at the romance genre? I think I'm going to barf."
"Hmm, seems to be a few love triangles between Sora, Matt and Tai."
"Here's a love square between Izzy, Mimi, Joe and Matt."
"Hey, there's even a love pentagon."
"If we look hard enough, perhaps we will discover a story containing a love octagon."
"Well, at least that wouldn't bring our Digimon into it," said Tai, looking slightly pale.
"Yeah, that fic with you and Wargreymon was a bit..."
"Don't mention that!"
"Do you think Wargreymon could be Metalgreymon's next form? There are a few things in these stories that aren't familiar to me."
"Yeah, like lots of fics have Kari in them. Why? I mean, it's not like she's a digidestined or anything."
"Well, if we keep looking maybe we'll find something out."
"And who's this Davis character? He sounds like such a me-wannabe!"
"Tai, nobody would wanna be like you."
"Nobody asked you, Matt."
"You didn't have to, I answered you anyway."
Hours passed. The kids spent most of this time laughing at each other's expense, and come nightfall, they were all angry at each other.
"Tai, how dare you call me a spoiled bitch in that fanfic?!" screeched Sora.
"You rejected me in another fic! YOU MADE ME KILL MYSELF!" shouted Tai.
"Matt, how dare you jilt me in those ten other fanfics?!" screeched Mimi.
"Mimi, you're the one who was secretly in love with Joe!" shouted Matt, "Joe, I oughta sock you one!"
"It wasn't my fault, I had to find love to compensate for my father's coldness!" shouted Joe, "anyway, if you'd been a good boyfriend she would have never come to me!"
"Mimi loves ME best!" argued Izzy, "you KNOW if you hadn't gotten drunk you'd have never confessed your true feelings!"
"You boys shouldn't all fight over me," said Mimi coyly.
"You're a slut!" said Matt, "you can never make up your mind who you're in love with!"
"ALL of us are like that, if you think about it," said Joe.
"Yeah, I guess we shouldn't really argue about things that are just in stories," said Tai, "so how about the stuff that DOES happen, huh? What's with you going off and leaving me to get nearly killed by Piedmon, Matt?"
"Hey, it was a very emotional time for me!"
"So, we're trying to save the world, not wallow in angst!"
"But it snags the ratings, doesn't it?"
"That's no excuse! You're not supposed to know it's a TV show!"
"Well, you nearly get your sister dead!"
"You LEAVE your brother!"
"You get captured by Piedmon in half a second!"
"So do you!"
"But I was already weak from trying to hold him off BY MYSELF, remember Matt?"
"It's not my fault you're too weak to fight properly!"
"Well, your hair sucks!"
"What does my hair have to do with anything, Tai? And my hair is definitely better than that - THAT - on YOUR head. I mean, did your head throw up or something? And you know, I win our bet, you owe me five bucks. The girls like ME better, as expected."
"Girls suck," muttered Tai, and was duly whacked over the head by Sora and Mimi.
"Based on what we have read, I must come to the conclusion that ALL of you suck," said Izzy.
"Well, that would include you too wouldn't it, Mr Let's-lead-Machinedramon-right-to-us, huh?" said Tai.
"Wow, this computer's a really good exercise in teamwork and friendship," said Gomamon, "look at all the good it's bringing out in everyone."
"There is nothing wrong with computers!" said Izzy.
"Did you delete my music files?" said Mimi.
"They were taking up precious hard drive space!"
Soon everyone was fighting again, as the sun set and the land was shrouded with shadows and all those other eloquent/pretentious-sounding phrases that I use too often. And as everyone had been too avidly fixated on the computer, and the Digimon too busy sleeping, nobody had got any food.
When the Digimon DID wake up, they were annoyed at the absence of food. Gomamon refused to do his attack to feed everyone on the grounds that it felt too much akin to cannibalism.
So when the kids were attacked later that night by a huge killer tribe of Tyrannomon, they were too busy arguing to notice until it was too late, their Digimon didn't have the energy to digivolve and they all died horrible deaths.
Except for Joe 'cos he's my favourite.
It just goes to show you that if you find out your future that means it can never come true.
And what a nice ending it was, too.
Full of pathos and drama and words and grammar and punctuation.
And digidestined, if you're reading this fic about an alternate world of the Digimon universe from yet another alternate world, I should just warn you that you are all going to die, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA for I am The Omnipotent one and I am really quite... well, bored.
I think I'll shut up now. ^^;;;