KANAME VS. JEHOVAH
IN THE NEUTRAL PLANET ADEQUATE COURT
NEUTROPOLIS, NEUTRAL PLANET
CASE NO. 24601, JUDGE JOHN DOE PRESIDING
Demigoddess of Hope Madoka Kaname, Plaintiff
Creator and Lord of the Universe Jehovah, Defendant
Opening Statement of Mr. Atticus Smith, attorney for Ms. Kaname,
My client Ms. Madoka Kaname, a former resident of Mitakihara in the nation of Japan, Planet Earth, and current omnipresent Demigoddess of Hope, does hereby bring suit for damages against Jehovah, Creator and Overlord of this universe, known also by the names and titles JHWH, the Lord, and simply God. Ms. Kaname seeks a court order to correct gross universal structural negligence of said Deity at His Own expense, on behalf of herself, billions of "magical girls" known also as Puellae Magi from throughout the universe, and the Incubator race, residents of Planet Eternia, under Title 18 of the Universal Building Code, Chapter 729, Section A113. Said negligence led indirectly to personal injuries, losses of life, losses of identity, losses of souls and mental suffering over billions of years.
Ms. Kaname states that for much of the universe's history, the rate of its decay due to entropy was not commonly known; indeed, for much of the history of her race, Homo sapiens, they had believed that her planet was at the center of the universe. Thus when her race finally came to grasp the laws of thermodynamics, it was widely believed that the universe would be able to maintain its structure for at least several billion years more. However, due to design flaws perhaps present from its creation, the universe's structure was much weaker than theretofore thought, and by approximately 4 BYA the threat had accelerated to dangerous levels. Exhibit A details the unstable amount of black holes and quasars dating to around this time as recorded by the Ultra Deep Field photography of Earth's Hubble Space Telescope.
Around this period the Incubator race devised a plan to reverse this destructive trend. Through independent research they had calculated that the emotions of adolescent females could counter entropy. The exact scientific explanation for this phenomenon is still unknown, but if it would please the jury, may I direct your attention to Exhibit B, the original research papers on the subject.
I am sure most of you are aware of the events that followed. The Incubators would seek out insecure females and psychokinetically grant them wishes, in return removing their souls from their bodies and placing them inside "Soul Gem" containers, one of which is pictured in Exhibit C. Under the laws of conservation of energy, their wishes would then be counteracted by an equal curse which would drive them to despair, corrupting their Soul Gems and turning them into deranged, reality-warping creatures called "Witches". Exhibit D shows pictures of the Witches Charlotte, Patricia and Oktavia von Seckendorff, which my client and her friends encountered in their times as "magical girls". Aside from inciting suicidal and homicidal tendencies as well as general insanity among humans, "Witches" also threatened to destabilize the universe itself, as their lairs punctured the fabric of space-time, though this was unbeknownst to the Incubators then. Early, non-transformed "magical girls" had the duty of slaying these Witches, which upon their destruction would drop their "Grief Seed", the corrupted form of their "Soul Gem", and the Incubators would gather these and counteract entropy. Exhibit E depicts the "Grief Seed" of Oktavia von Seckendorff, who happened to have been my client's best friend in her former life.
All this changed when my client made her wish to erase all "Witches" in all periods of time and thereby bring hope to all those girls who merely wanted to protect this universe. She managed to bring all "magical girls" on the brink of Witchdom into a special realm, a sanctuary for abused "magical girls" if you will. Unfortunately in the process, she was unable to exist on the normal plane, and is effectively gone from her world, though she still keeps a hopeful watch. As I am sure some of you may have heard, the Defendant's Own Begotten Son, Jesus of Nazareth, Nation of Israel, Planet Earth, saw a parallel between her deeds and His Own, and at one point stated that He would have represented her if only He had proper legal training and a law degree.
My client is, of course, well aware of the moral and ethical concerns surrounding the Incubators' actions. Indeed, several lawsuits are currently pending against them brought by other "magical girls", including one Akemi Homura, a dear friend of Madoka's from her hometown. However, she wishes to remind the jury as she did other "magical girls"; the Incubator race is largely devoid of the emotions held by most races throughout this universe, hence they cannot comprehend why most consider their actions so loathsome. They also effectively exist as a hive mind; thus the individuality of humans and most other races is also a mystery to them. All they can comprehend is logic, reason, and duty at any and all costs. And my client also wishes to remind the jury that they could comprehend the concept of free will, and only agreed to make their "contracts" if the girls agreed to them. In other words, they simply did not know what they were doing.
For a new source of "energy" to counteract entropy, the Incubators then turned to incarnated forms of humanity's curses called "Demons", as depicted here in Exhibit F. My client thought this would be a significantly more humanitarian, if rather less powerful, substitute. Unfortunately the "Demons" also damage space-time (though not as much as "Witches"), and also cause grievous physical damage and occasional loss of life wherever they appear. Despite the best efforts of "magical girls" throughout the universe, their numbers have never decreased and show no signs of slowing.
It was then that my client noticed the apparent structural failures at the seams of the universe. Exhibit G depicts a black hole in the constellation Cygnus that was recently filled with dark matter as per the Universal Building Code. However, laboratory tests on the material used in filling this particular hole indicate that was filled using not pure dark matter as recommended, but rather Quik-Fil Budget Dark Matter, a product of Faust, Hawking and Jones Building Materials, a company of Saugus, Commonwealth of Massachusetts, United States of America, Planet Earth. This material contains only 70 percent dark matter and 30 percent common roofing tar, and as such is plainly not recommended for use in large-scale construction products, as indicated on the label of this bag in Exhibit H. Nevertheless, Exhibit I details a series of receipts for several sales of this material to representatives of the Defendant from the True Value Hardware Store in Pacoima, State of California, United States of America, Planet Earth.
On other occasions evidently even less care was taken. In this shot of the Horsehead Nebula in Exhibit J, one can clearly see the structural cracks and strains as highlighted at J1-3. And as shown here in Exhibit K, adjacent to the Andromeda Galaxy, this forming black hole was filled not even with Quik-Fil, but with wadded newspaper painted black. I direct your attention next to this newspaper itself in Exhibit L.
My client realizes that money may be tight in all sectors, but while she still believes that the Incubator race cannot be held liable for any charges due to their mental makeup, she believes that the Creator and Keeper of this universe, in all His great wisdom and power, should be held liable for His failure to properly maintain His creation, citing recent attempts by the people of New Orleans, State of Louisiana, United States of America, Planet Earth, to sue the United States Army Corps of Engineers for their alleged failure to properly maintain the levees of New Orleans prior to the devastating Hurricane Katrina. She seeks no financial gain for herself, her family, or her friends; merely that the Creator take proper care and maintenance of His creation at His expense.
This is her call, her plea for a better and sturdier universe.
This is loosely based on "Coyote vs. Acme", a 1990 New Yorker piece by Ian Frazier in which Wile E. Coyote sues ACME Products. I actually write similar legal notices for a living (often focusing on infrastructure maintenance)…and my mind often goes on long, contemplative walks at work. (Some of the projects I write are, ahem, more interesting than others.)
I apologize if any religious people are offended, but surely this wasn't too much worse than some Far Side episodes, was it? Like I said, this is partly the product of boredom at work (like some more of my stories, heh).
On a more serious note, wadded newspaper was indeed actually found in some of the New Orleans levees after the hurricane.
I mostly copied the legalese style from that New Yorker story; I majored in creative writing and my background is in fiction and essays. To anyone reading with a greater legal background than I; do you think I got it mostly right?