"Yo Len! Get your ass down here! I got a job for you!"
Len grumbled, mumbled, groaned, and moaned, but eventually jumped down from the rafters in front of Meiko.
"What?" He spat at her.
"Someone's a little pissy. On your man period or something?" Meiko giggled.
"What the hell?"
"Oh it doesn't matter. I need you sell this cow so I can eat for at least one more week," Meiko explained.
"You mean one more week while still encouraging your drinking habits?" Len clarified.
"Yes. Now go do it!" Meiko said shoving him out the door.
Len stumbled outside and looked to the left to see a fat cow tied to a fence grazing on grass. He walked over to cow and untied it from the post.
Len gave the rope a hard tug, "Come on fat ass. You ate enough grass to live through the apocalypse."
The cow snorted but went after him.
He began trekking down the road pulling the cow after him until he heard a soft noise. It sounded suspiciously like a fart which Len assumed was from the cow.
He gagged silently trying to wave fresh air into his face. He heard the noise again expect it was more distinct. This time it sounded more like Pssst.
Len looked behind down the road to see if there was some creeper hiding in the trees trying to lure him into the woods. He saw nothing other than the cow which was now giving him a stupid grin.
Len kicked the cow, "Dumb ass. Stop smiling."
"Why?" The cow asked.
Len jumped back nearly dropping the rope.
"What the hell? You can talk?!" Len asked surprised.
"Yes I can talk! What else would you call speaking?" The cow scoffed, "And you had the nerve to call me a dumb ass."
"Che. Well it doesn't matter. I'm selling you," Len stated.
"You can't!" The cow exclaimed, "You shouldn't!"
"Why?" Len asked continuing walking down the road.
"I'm your twin sister!" The cow yelled.
Len stopped in his tracks and turned back to face the stupidly grinning cow, "No way."
"Yes way. My name is Rin! Meiko didn't want you to know about me because she was ashamed!" Rin the Cow explained.
"That can't be true. Meiko wouldn't, you know, do it with a cow," Len countered.
"You really believe that?" Rin questioned.
"You have a point…" Len considered, "But wouldn't that mean I'm part cow?"
"Yeah you are. It's not normal for guys to make milk," Rin said with a wide smile.
Len's face flushed red, "How- how did you know about that?!"
"The cow knows all. We are like ninjas!"
Determined to get rid of the cow that knew too much, Len jerked the rope harder and proceeded down the road. The cow let out cries of protest but Len was not going to let that cow get away with all that knowledge. Especially about that.
"Are you selling that cow?" A voice asked from behind.
Len turned around to see a well dressed man with glasses and dark brown hair.
"Um, yeah," Len answered.
The man pushed his glasses up his nose causing a glint in the lens.
"I'm willing to offer a large sum of money for that magnificent creature-" The man began to say but was cut off from a boisterous yell further up the road.
"Waaaaaaaiiiiiiittttt! That cow is mine!" The voice yelled.
Running from the opposite direction was a teen with short light green hair. She caught up to Len and looked over Rin the Cow.
"Oh my golly! It's a cow!" She exclaimed, "A real cow! By willikers today is my lucky day! A real cow, who would have guessed?!"
"Are you going to buy em or not?" Len grumbled.
"Oh yes! Yes indeed I swear by a pine tree!" She rhymed
The man slid in front of her, "I believe we were already conducting business. So about that gorgeous specimen-"
"Hey sir! I'm buying that cow. So you can scootle your way home because it's mine," The girl declared.
"I believe I was here first," The man declared firmly.
"Well too bad because I'm offering 10 for it!" The green haired girl declared.
"I'll be offering nine so beat it," The man scoffed.
The girl breathed in sharply, "You drive a hard bargain but I won't be deterred! Eight I say! I'll pay eight!"
"That won't do," The man muttered, "I'll pay five then."
"You mister… you are quite the confident one! I'll pay… one! A whole one!" The teen shouted.
"I'm paying one as well so the cow is not yours!" The man argued.
As if on cue, the two grabbed opposite ends of Rin the Cow. The man pulling her ears while the girl yanked her tail.
"Wait a sec!" Len yelled, "That didn't even make sense!"
Ignoring the boys' comments they pulled and pulled on the cow. With a disgusting squelch the cow was ripped in two, only for it to poof into smoke with bits of confetti floating through the air.
Len stared wide eyed at the fading vapors and then his glare fell onto the two bidders.
"You break it you buy it," He declared.
The two shuffled through their pockets before producing some small objects. They whispered to each other and then broke the objects in half and handed it to him.
"Um... a half and a half equal one whole bean…" The girl smiled meekly.
"Magic beans," The man clarified.
The boy just stared at them with no clear emotion being expressed on his face. The pair laughed nervously, slowly edging away from the boy just preparing for the worst.
"Whatever," He shrugged and walked away down the road.
Len arrived back at the shitty house that was Meiko's home walked inside. He saw Meiko was slumped over a chair swinging a bottle back and forth singing some drunkards song. Len tossed the half beans at her without a word. He began to walk away when he heard Meiko screech.
The boy looked back and saw her fuming at the half beans resting on the floor.
"The hell is this?!" Meiko roared, "Some fucking joke?!"
Len shrugged, "It's what I got paid for that lousy cow."
Meiko began stomping the beans into the floor, smearing them into a pulp with her heels.
"I've fucking had-" Meiko began to rant but was cut off from a loud rumble.
The ground began to shake, causing what little valuables they had to crash onto the floor. The ground where the beans had been began to collapse into a sink hole. To their surprise a green sprout began shooting up into the air. But only to about how tall Meiko was (about 5 foot 6 inches).
The two stared at the shoot in silence. They then looked at the hole surrounding the stalk.
"What the hell is that?" Meiko asked.
"A giant vegetable?" Len offered.
"We could charge people to come see this," Meiko grinned.
"People hate vegetables. Why would they want to see giant ones?" Len said.
Meiko shrugged, "True."
The two stared at the stalk a bit more.
"Maybe there's gold mine?" Meiko suggested.
"Could be," Len commented.
Len stepped to the edge of the hole and looked at the vibrant green vegetable that came up the center.
Len took in a deep breath, "Here goes-"
With a malicious grin Meiko shoved Len down the hole.
The blonde went tumbling into the darkness, down the hole until he finally grabbed hold of the gargantuan vegetable.
"Heehee~ Watch where you're grabbing there," A voice giggled.
"Son of a-!" Len exclaimed, nearly letting go.
"Now, now! Wash your mouth if you're going to say such dirty language!" The voice lectured.
"I didn't say anything wrong," Len explained.
"You were going to," The voice said.
"Who are you? Where are you?" Len asked feeling confused.
"I am the mighty leek stalk that you are grabbing oh so inappropriately. I'm Miku by the way~" The leek stalk introduced.
Len slowly moved his hands to grip somewhere else, "I'm Len."
"Howdy Len! Might I ask where you're headed?" Miku asked.
"Just to where ever this hell hole goes I guess. Is there a gold mine down here?" Len questioned.
The stalk giggled, "Heh, nope. There are a couple of nasty giants down here though that has a bunch of gold though."
"Gold is gold and that's good enough for Meiko," Len shrugged awkwardly while trying to hold on to the stalk.
He released his grip and slipped down the stalk. Once he touched soil he let go and looked around. Despite the stalk saying that there were giant inhabitants living down here there was not a sign of any oversized belongings other than the leek.
He took a step forward and heard a crack. Looking down, Len saw a garden that was about the size of a table top. In the middle of the miniature foliage he saw a house that looked as if it was meant for dolls. He bent over and looked into one of the windows. Inside, Len saw a small man with blue hair. The man jumped while yelling, "Fo Fum Fi Fee, I see the cheeks of a cute young boy! Whether he be twelve or three, he'd make a lovely bride to be~!"
I've no idea how long this parody will end up being, but I've noticed that these are slowly getting longer... (Yay?)
This might end up being two or three chapters but we'll only find out when I write part 2!