A.N: Luna's Patronus, the 'Hare', is associated primarily with Gods and Godesses of Trickery, Witchcraft, Moon, Femininity, and Fertility. I always thought there was more to her than slight madness...^^
A.N.2: Sorry, I edited it - noticed that I did not upload the final version.
DISCLAIMER: I ain't no J.K. Rowling ... I don't own, Harry James Potter, nor any of the books concerning him, nor the character henceforth referred to as 'Luna' or 'Luna Lovegood', although I do reserve the right to act like her… ;)
Parts in kursive and bold come froem J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince".
I am not crazy.
I know your thoughts, yours and everyone else's. Most of the time, I act as if I didn't care, as if I didn't NOTICE… as if I don't mind. I don't have to notice – I simply know. Like I know that the sun rises in the east, or that the earth is round. Like I know that I love you, and that you will never love me back. That I always knew.
I am not crazy. I know things.
Too many of them.
The first time I saw you was when I was nine years old. Two weeks after the explosion in which my mother perished. We never learned what it was, that she was working on. It was Unspeakable. But it affected me. That's one thing we have in common, you and I. Our mother's both died to save us. Morbid much, huh?
I couldn't stand the knowing. It was like suddenly a dam had broken, and the secrets of the universe laid bare before me, but in chaos, without any order. I knew that the Indian president had just been offered her afternoon tea, I knew that her favourite colour was periwinkle, I knew that Milly Hagen in Portsmouth would get her third marriage proposal tomorrow afternoon while working in her garden, knew that my father would wake look at me in exactly ten-and-a-half seconds, that Voldemort would be revived on a newmoon, that rats were traitors, that I would lose 20 pairs of shoes in my first five years at Hogwarts, that bridges would fall and break, that Snape – Professor Snape – would not-yes-it's-all-an-act-no-he-hates-not-me-protect-sky-blue-candles-thousands-the-Great-Hall-toad-pink-lemon-drops-tabby-twinkling-eyes-3-hours-at-most-you-must-NOT-be-seen-bushy-hair-enemy-like-friends-hiding-room-of-requirement-Dobby-new-wand-no-no-too-much-no-best-friend-coulours-everything-run-you-MUST-run-run-run-ru–
That's when I saw you. You were dirty, and falling down right into a puddle didn't help that. You were back on your feet not a second later, – "BOY! Don't dilly-dally! Get here NOW!" – helped me up, and ran right past me. I looked after you and you turned back for a moment, mouthed 'SORRY!' at me, a barely noticeable purplish handprint on your face, your green eyes cloudy and unfocused. You didn't have glasses yet.
When my father found me and brought me home, I did not notice. I was too focused. Finally, I had some semblance of peace, of order – or rather orderly chaos. I had a focus. Before this, I had not realized that this was what I needed, but suddenly it was obvious. I couldn't go on knowing everything, everywhere, about everyone and anytime. And yet... I could not stop it. I had tried. Because of that, I needed something to keep the knowledge at bay. That I knew. And even after you left, I Saw you. I Saw, and I knew. I Saw your Uncle gleefully renewing that purplish handprint the very next day, I knew that you were Harry James Potter, son of Lily and James Potter, aged 10. I Saw you fighting Basilisks and Dragons, and kissing under a mistletoe. I knew it was not me you were kissing. I felt a pang in my chest, although I did not yet know why.
Twenty minutes after our first meeting, I knew that I would love you. Love you more than my life, more than life itself. Twenty-two minutes after our first meeting, I Saw that you would never love me back enough, that we would never be together. I Saw you and I knew. I knew that it would hurt.
"How would you like to come to Slughorn's party with me tonight?"
"Slughorn's party? With you?" Did I see wrong, is that it? No it can't, I can't be wrong, can't, the bride is Red, I am bridesmaid, no, but can't it be? White, white is the dress, not the bridesmaid, black, no purple, vows exchanged, "may kiss the br-",sunny day, "-ny, I loved you", Harry smiling, at me, not - Please let the universe be wrong just onc- "…just as friends, you know. But if you don't want to" Oh, the universe was right. Of course it was, it's the universe. Fate. I wear a bright yellow dress, not the wedding, the party, I want to go, he asked, me I am friends with Ginny. Friend, noun: confidant, companion, aquiaintance. Of course, calm down, focus, focus!, Harry. I want to go with Harry. As friends… I need to. At least once…
"Oh no, I'd love to go with you as friends! Nobody's ever asked me to a party before, as a friend! Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I dye mine too?"
It helps to be random, you know? I have to be. Mom told me, right before her eyes closed: "Don't tell them!" she said, "Don't tell anyone! Daddy'll know, no one else needs to – it's dangerous my little Moonflower, dangerous, they're going to take you away – keep it a secret, be random, so that they won't notice the things that make sense…" Of course I already knew that. So it became Unspeakable. I became Unspeakable. Nargles, Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. Wrackspurts, Rotfang Conspiracy, Gulping Plimpies,… some code-words, some not. I couldn't help, couldn't speak – I only knew.
I knew what it felt like kissing you. Ginny knew, so I knew. You were my cornerstone, my focus, my everything, from when I ran away when I was nine years old. I knew everything, Saw everything. I watched you from afar after I came to Hogwarts, up until my fourth year. Because knowing, and Seeing is not the same as seeing, smelling, feeling, watching you. Watching you laugh, and cry and worry. Your hair had a reddish sheen in the sun. I laughed with you, and I cried for you - for you cried too little...
I love you.
I fell in love with you when I was nine, when I was eleven, when I first ran into you, when I was fifteen and you came into my compartment, when you taught me the Patronus. When I knew. But by then, I had already been in love with you forever.
I'll love you forever. Forever and ever and always.
I don't need to See to know that. But I know that you don't – didn't – won't feel the same about me. So I keep quiet. Build my walls tight. Nargles. Glitterpuffs. They can't know. Never know.
I'll stand by your side forever and a day. I love you more than life itself.
"This was what love meant after all: sacrifice and selflessness. It did not mean hearts and flowers and a happy ending, but the knowledge that another's well-being is more important than one's own."
- Melissa de la Cruz, Lost in Time
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