Author's Note: This is my contribution for March Madness. I regret nothing.

Disclaimer: Andrew Hussie owns Homestuck.


Your name is Eridan Ampora. Your Moirail, Feferi Peixes, has just rejected your request to be your Matespirit. Today, you are sitting in your room in your sea hoof beast pajamas, eating Troll Scout Earth cookies and watching some show about wizards.

What will it take to bring you out of this slump?


Third Person P.O.V.

"How are we going to get Eridan out of his slump? He can't be this hurt over a relationship."

Meanwhile, the other Trolls gathered to discuss how to bring Eridan out of his slump.

"I told Eridan to mellow out and slam a nice, cold Faygo. Did he motherfucking listen to me? I don't know," Gamzee explained.

"And there is no way that I will be the Auspitice this time. Once was enough," Kanaya explained.

"I could paint his hive," Terezi suggested.

"No, Terezi, you'll end up eating the paint," Karkat said.

"Let's ask Troll Jeeves this. He seems to know what to do in this situation," Sollux suggested.

"Yes. Let's ask Troll Jeeves. He seems to know what to do," Aradia said in agreement. Sollux said nothing as he began typing on his computer. After a few minutes, Sollux snickered to himself.

"AC wonders why Sollux is laughing," Nepeta said.

"I think I know how to get Eridan out of his room," Sollux said.


"A beauty pageant?"

The next day, the Trolls went to Eridan's hive to stage an intervention.

"You are competing in a beauty pageant, Highblood. We're doing this for your own good," Equius explained.

"Wwhat's a beauty pageant?" Eridan asked.

"It is a contest where STRONG men and women gather to show off their beauty and strength together. The STRONGEST of them all wins," Equius explained.

"Hold on a second - I've watched Grubs and Tiaras and a human show called 'Toddlers and Tiaras' before, and I know where this is going," Vriska said. Before she could continue, Kanaya cut her off.

"Say no more. I will make the formal wear, swimsuit, and talent outfit and do Eridan's hair and makeup," Kanaya explained.

"Tav and I will cook up a motherfucking miraculous elixer that will help Eridan win this pageant," Gamzee explained.

"Uhh... Gamzee, I don't think we should trust you with that," Tavros said.

"I will coach the Highblood on how he is supposed to act at this event," Equius stated.

"AC will help her Meowrail with coaching Eridan!" Nepeta added.

"I'll help Kanaya with the costumes," Terezi said.

"You're blind. How are you supposed to help?" Vriska asked Terezi.

"I can't even make suggestions?!" Terezi asked.

"All of you are free to help me. We are doing this to boost Eridan's self-esteem," Kanaya answered.


A few days later, Eridan was competing at the Most Beautiful Troll of Alternia pageant. The rest of the Trolls sat in the audience, wearing T-shirts that said "Team Eridan" in purple lettering on them.

"These shirts are fucking stupid!" Karkat yelled. "Who made these?!"

"I did. We have to support Eridan in whatever ways we can," Kanaya explained.

"Do we have to wear these ridiculous T-shirts?!" Karkat asked. Kanaya glared at Karkat.

"That will be enough. You will wear the T-shirt in a show of support for Eridan AND me, the designer of the T-shirt," Kanaya explained.

"Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, we will now begin with our talent portion of the pageant. Please put your hands together for contestant #1... Eridan Ampora!"

Sollux began to laugh.

"Why is Sollux laughfin?" Feferi asked.

"He thinks Eridan's costume is quite whimsical," Kanaya answered. Eridan took to the stage, and the rest of the Trolls burst out laughing. To simply put, not only was Eridan's hair in pigtails, but he was wearing a black tube top with his Aquarius symbol on it, a tartan miniskirt, combat boots, fishnet stockings, and pink-and-black, striped, arm warmers.

"Oh, my Glub..." Feferi said to herself, holding back a giggle.

"I am beautiful, no matter wwhat they say. Wwords can't bring me dowwn," Eridan sang. "Hit it!"

Then, dubstep music filled the room as Eridan began to freak dance on stage.


Faster than you can say "Advance or abscond", the Trolls were sitting in the hotel's security office.

"I can't believe the security guards are on our case about this!" Vriska cried.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted, and I'm okay with that," Aradia said as two security guards escorted Eridan into the room. Eridan was wrapped in a towel, covering up his talent outfit.

"Here is your friend," One of the security guards said. "As for all of you, you are banned from staying in this hotel for six months. You are all also banned from competing in the Most Beautiful Troll of Alternia pageant for life. Do you understand?"

"You got it, man," Gamzee said as he gave a thumbs-up to the security Troll. "Just keep on truckin'."

A few minutes later, the Trolls ended up at a diner.

"Well, I feel that a lesson can be learned from this experience," Kanaya said.

"Quadrants don't matter?" Aradia asked.

"Outer beauty doesn't count but inner beauty does?" Terezi asked.

"You don't need to go to great lengths to impress someone?" Sollux asked.

"Actually, those are great lessons, but no," Kanaya said. "The lesson we can learn from this experience is this - Alternia should never have beauty pageants."


Ending Note: Review for Eridan. Feferi rejected his Matespirit request and he got kicked out of a beauty pageant for life.