Project Hunger Games
By Project H
In penance for their uprising, each district shall offer up a male and female between the ages of 12 and 18 at a public "Reaping."
Much like how wheat is reaped, these tributes shall be hacked up, processed, and later eaten. Maybe. But before that they will be transferred to a public arena where they will Fight to the Death, until a lone victor remains.
Henceforth and forevermore and hereafter and whenceforward this pageant shall be known as The Hunger Games. Until we change it to something better.
Seneca: I think it's our tradition. It comes out of a particularly painful part of our history. And tradition makes everything OK. That's why we kept slavery. And the plague. And why we only allowed half of our citizens to evolve past the ape stage. Over time, The Games have grown into something that knits us all together
Crowd of over 18s: *Cheers*
Caesar: This is your third year as Gamemaker. What defines your personal signature?
Seneca: As long as 23 children die needlessly, I know I've done my job
Katniss: Shh, it's OK. You were just dreaming. You're safe here in this land of poverty and disease
Prim: It was me. They picked me
Katniss: It's your first year, Prim. They're not gonna pick you
Prim: What about my beginner's luck?
Katniss: *Singing* Deep in the meadow
Under the willow
A bed of child's bones
Their corpses are my pillow
Wait...this was a terrible choice of lullaby. I'll be right back *Starts leaving*
Katniss: Don't eat her while I'm gone. I haven't forgotten about what you did to my other little sister
*The Streets of District 12*
Katniss: *Runs through*
People: *Are poor*
Children: *Are diseased*
Dog: *Actually looks fairly happy*
Baby deer: *Enjoys life. Bounding around, being young and free, with its whole life ahead of it*
Katniss: *Aims sharpened arrow at its head*
Gale: What are you gonna do with that when you kill it?
Katniss: Damn you, Gale! I needed to kill it as a warning to the rest of those baby deer to stop their brutal murdering of the townsfolk
Gale: It's Reaping Day. The place is crawling with Peacekeepers
Katniss: Bastards. Trying to keep peace, like the fascists that they are. That was the first deer I've seen in a year
Gale: That's because you wiped them out last year. Same reason we can't fish anymore. Or pick apples
Katniss: Those trees had it coming. I'd murder them all again given the chance
Gale: What if everyone just stopped watching one year? And tried some of those...what do you call them, books?
Katniss: We ate all our books. And people won't stop watching. Even if they did, we'd be stuck with reruns of awful reality shows like 'Seneca and the City'
Gale: Actually, I quite liked seeing whether he could balance a happy relationship with having the job of his dreams. But if no-one watches, then they don't have a game. If a child is murdered in the woods, and nobody sees it, is it still a Hunger Games?
Katniss: No. Then it's more of a student film
Gale: We could do it, you know. Take off, live in the woods. Dibs on being woods president. You can be treasurer
Katniss: They'd catch us. We wouldn't make it five miles. And you can't take the presidency without a general election of the woods populace. Can you imagine Prim in the woods?
Gale: Well, maybe not
Katniss: I'm never having kids
Gale: I can't, after that hunting accident
Katniss: I told you, I thought it was a squirrel
Gale: Oh, I forgot *Hands bread to Katniss*
Katniss: Is this real?
Gale: Yep. No more painting rocks orange for me. Happy Hunger Games
Katniss: *In English accent* And may the odds be ever in your favour!
Gale: Hehe, yeah. Remember when England was a country? Before it sank?
Katniss: Sure do. How many times is your name in today?
Gale: 42. I thought it was a raffle to win medicine, so I just kept adding my name
Katniss: Ah well
Gale: And I wanted you and Prim to win so I added you both 50 times each
Katniss: *Finds mockingjay pin* What's this?
Woman: Indigestible. Found that out the hard way
Katniss: How much?
Woman: Twice. I only tried to eat it twice. You can keep it now
Katniss: Prim, you look beautiful. I know one young lady who plans to die in style. But you better tuck in that tail, little duck
Prim: But...why would a duck tuck in its own tail? That sounds painful
Mother: I laid something out for you too
Katniss: *Bathes, dresses, eats. No wait, she can't do that last one. No one can. Just the first two*
Prim: I wish I looked like you
Katniss: Oh no, I wish I looked like you, little duck. All little, and feathery, and eating soggy bread crumbs. What a life. Wanna see what I got you today?
Katniss: Haha! Oh little duck. It's a mockingjay pin, to protect you. If something bad happens, turn it around and stick that pin right in their eye
Children: *Marching as one in dirty grey clothing*
Guy in pink shirt: I picked the absolute worst day to mix up my colours and my greys in the wash
Katniss: It's OK. You just need to sign in. They're gonna prick your finger and take a bit of blood. What's the worst they could do? Threaten to starve you? Ha, we beat them to it!
Peacekeeper: *Tests blood from Prim* Hmm, says here you've got diabetes, scurvy, dysentery and rabies. She's District 12 alright, send her through
Katniss: *Steps forward*
Peacekeeper: *Tests blood from Katniss* Ah, just HIV and tapeworm. Congratulations
Effie: Welcome! Happy Hunger Games, and may the odds be ever in your favour. Because if they're not *Drags thumb across throat*. Now, before we begin, we have a very special film brought to you all the way from the Capitol
Gale: Ugh, I hate foreign films
Film: War. Widows, orphans, a motherless child. But it's not all good fun. This was the uprising that rocked our land. 13 districts rebelled against the country that fed them, loved them, and gave each district a fresh glass of drinking water each year. Thousands of district civilians were slain, and in the Capitol, someone chipped a really nice marble fountain. From war, a people rose up from the ashes, and a new era was born. But freedom has a cost. When the traitors were defeated, two Capitol citizens representing the entire nation swore that we would never know this treason again. And so it was decreed that each year the various districts of Panem would offer up in tribute one young man and woman to fight to the death in a pageant of honour, courage and sacrifice, to stop those pesky rebellions of 13 year olds that had so nearly overthrown the Capitol. This is how we remember our past. This is how we safeguard our future. This is how we fill 30 weeks of television ratings season
Effie: Now the time has come for us to select one courageous young man and woman for the honour of representing District 12. To be remembered forever alongside such past representatives as 'The boy who was speared through his eye,' 'The girl sliced in two by that rusty sword' and 'That kid who went crazy and started eating his own decaying flesh until there was nothing left.'
Katniss: I used to sit behind him in school
Effie: As usual, ladies first. They always get second-best when it comes to working conditions and wages, so in the interests of fairness they get to know first whether they will be viciously murdered. *Reaches hand into bowl and draws out a name* Primrose Everdeen!
Katniss: Uh...maybe it's a different Primrose Everdeen
Prim: *Walks forward*
Effie: Come on up, dear. Oh yes, those pigtails will be very easy for someone to hold onto while they decapitate you
Katniss: I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute!
Effie: I believe we have a volunteer. Shame, that little girl would have left an adorable corpse. Would have been great for merchandising
Katniss: Prim, get out of here. Go find Mum. Let her know I'll be home late. Or never
Gale: *Carries Prim away, claiming her as his family's dinner for the night*
Effie: Well, District 12's very first volunteer. What's your name?
Katniss: Katniss Everdeen
Effie: Well Catfish, I bet my hat that was your sister, wasn't it? She doesn't seem worth saving otherwise. Looked like a bit of a jerk, if I'm being honest
Katniss: Yes, she was my sister
Effie: Let's have a big hand for our very first volunteer, Mattress Feverdream
Crowd: *Gives three finger salute*
Effie: Ooh, I hope that's not obscene. And, as I always say when I get home after a long day, now for the boys! *Draws name out of bowl* Peeta Mellark
Peeta thinking: Alright, don't panic. Maybe someone will volunteer for you. You've got brothers...or friends. Anyone? Anyone here who would like to take a chance in the arena and escape a life of hideous poverty rather than see me get murdered? No? Damn *Walks up to stage*
Effie: Here we are – the tributes from District 12. Shake hands, you two. Before either of you have them severed off
Katniss: *Remembers seeing Peeta...in the rain...near a tree. She doesn't actually remember all that much*
Effie: Happy Hunger Games, and don't focus too much on the fact they're both going to die soon. Oh wait...sorry, wasn't meant to read that part out. May the odds be ever in your favour! And now, all rise for the Panem national anthem
All: Oh Panem, oh Panem
Thank you for keeping us poor
We don't have to worry about taxes
Or living past age 34
Keep spoiling yourselves with gifts and toys
Don't worry about our health
And this whole 'lacking clean water' thing
Will probably take care of itself
All our predators starved to death
Like wolf and bear and eagle
And thank you for finally
Making cannibalism legal
We'll never disagree with you
Or try to start a riot
Mum and dad deserved to die
For not knowing when to keep quiet
Oh Panem, oh Panem
Thank you for being our friend
There's another 13 verses left
But we'll be dead before the end...
TO BE CONTINUED...