Project Hunger Games
By Project H
Woman: In two weeks, 23 of you will be dead. But don't let that get you too excited. During training, no fighting with the other tributes. If you absolutely have to kill someone, just poison them quietly. There are four compulsory exercises – Survival, combat, nutrition, and modern dance. Most of you will die from natural causes – 10% from infection, 20% from loneliness
Tributes: *Start training*
Foxface: *Plays some sort of computer game. Alright...*
Cato: You took my knife!
Tribute boy: What?
Cato: You stole my knife!
Tribute boy: You can't own a knife. Knives are free to live their own lives
Rue: *Laughs at the fact she stole a knife and made the most dangerous tribute even more dangerous by getting him angry*
Haymitch: Cato's a Career. They train in a special academy until they're 18, then they volunteer. So they're like Katniss except, you know, they have a chance of winning
Effie: But they don't receive any special treatment. No point, since they're going to win and be pampered for the rest of their lives anyway. And I don't think they let them have dessert, and you can. Eat up Katniss, you're almost back up to your birth weight
Haymitch: The Careers can be arrogant, and arrogance can be a big problem. Maybe not as big as being a useless baker from a poor district, but a problem nonetheless. Katniss, I hear you can shoot
Katniss: I'm alright
Peeta: She's better than alright. My father buys her squirrels. Although only because he's afraid she'll shoot him if he doesn't
Katniss: Peeta's strong. He can throw a 100-pound sack of flour over his head
Peeta: I won't kill anybody with a sack of flour. Unless...Haymitch, how many of the tributes are sacks of flour?
Katniss: You'll have a better chance of winning if-
Peeta: I have no chance of winning! None! You know what my mother said?
Katniss: Probably something stupid about cakes. Stupid bakers
Peeta: She said District 12 might finally have a winner
Peeta: She said a female winner
Peeta: She was talking about YOU! *Leaves*
Peeta's mother: Dammit Peeta! This isn't a baguette! It's more like a bad-ette!
Peeta: *Throws bread to pigs*
Peeta: *Throws bread into mud in front of Katniss. Not to Katniss, to the mud in front of Katniss. Nice one*
Katniss: I'm done too. Send courses seven, eight and nine up to my room *Leaves*
Cato: *Stabbing dummies*
Katniss: No point in practicing killing a whole bunch of dummies. Peeta is only one of the tributes
Peeta: *Falls out of a net*
Cato: Haha! Good thing there are no tributes named Annette. Because you just fell out of...a net...haha!
Peeta: Ugh. That guy is such a crepe
Katniss: Peeta, throw that metal thing over there
Peeta: No, Haymitch said we're not supposed to show our skills
Katniss: Well you've already shown how skilled you are at making an ass of yourself
Peeta: Good point. *Picks up metal thing, throws metal thing, forgets to let go of metal thing, goes flying into stack of javelins*
Katniss: I said you already showed you can make an ass of yourself
Peeta: *Painting hand to look like bark*
Katniss: How did you do that? Sorry, not 'how'. Why did you do that?
Peeta: I used to decorate cakes down at the bakery. People were always asking for cakes camouflaged as trees for some reason. I also do great fairy cakes. Hopefully if I disguise myself as a fairy in the arena, no one will know it's me
Katniss: Don't count on it
Haymitch: Tomorrow they'll bring you in one by one and evaluate you. This is important, because higher ratings will mean sponsors. This is the time to show them everything, so have something prepared
Peeta: I've prepared a heartbreaking rendition of "When a man loves a woman"
Haymitch: So it's settled – no sponsors for Peeta. Katniss, there will be a bow. Make sure you use it. Preferably as a bow. Don't wear it or anything
Peeta: Well there goes my big finale
*Outside test room*
Peeta: So...looking forward to the Hunger Games?
Katniss: Shut up
Woman: Katniss Everdeen
Katniss: *Enters room*
Judges: *Talk amongst themselves*
Katniss: *Fires arrow badly*
Katniss: Hmm, must be fans of slapstick *Fires arrow perfectly*
Judges: *Are not watching perfectly*
Judge 1: Yo momma's so rich, her money pile has its own zipcode
Judge 2: Haha! Well yo momma's so rich, her diamonds...have their own zipcode
Seneca: Hey! Who ordered this pig? And why didn't you order 100? I don't wanna wait until the Hunger Games to see senseless killings
Katniss: *Fires arrow through apple in pig's mouth* Let that be a lesson to the other tributes – don't be apples. Thank you for your consideration
*District 12 penthouse*
Effie: Are you crazy?
Katniss: No! I'm just constantly dizzy from starvation and disease!
Effie: You realise that your actions reflect badly on all of us?!
Katniss: You realise that your actions reflect badly on all of us?!
Cinna: You realise that Peeta reflects badly on all of us?!
Peeta: Hey...not nice. True, but not nice
Haymitch: *Walks in and gives a thumbs up to Katniss*
Katniss: Thanks, Haymitch
Haymitch: Why? Wait, am I giving you a thumbs up? When I've drunk this much bleach I lose control of my hands. What did they do when you shot the apple?
Katniss: Well they looked pretty startled
Haymitch: Haha, great
Katniss: And started whispering about ways to make sure I die really early in the Games
Haymitch: Haha, not so great. And what did you do, Peeta?
Peeta: I failed the first challenge. I kept pushing the door and didn't realise it said 'Pull'
Haymitch: I don't think that was one of the challenges
*District 12 penthouse, watching the television*
Caesar: As you all know, the tributes were rated on a scale of 1 to 12 after three days of careful evaluation and napping by our Gamekeepers. From District 1, Marvel, with a score of 9. Also from District 1, DC, with a score of 8. Not quite as good...
Peeta: Oh I don't know about that
Caesar: Cato with a score of 10. Clove is also a 10. You don't have to tell me. Rue with a score of 7, presumably the Gamekeepers assume she will be devoured by the other Tributes and cause them to choke. From District 12, Peeta Mellark...oh, they haven't given him a score. They've just drawn a frowny face
Haymitch: Better than anyone expected
Caesar: And finally, from District 12, Katniss Everdeen with a score of 11
Katniss: I thought they hated me
Haymitch: They do. But they must have been really impressed with your ability to screw up your first arrow shot badly, do a good second shot, and then demonstrate absolutely no other skills
Katniss: I didn't realise that's what they were looking for
Haymitch: And they're required to give bonus points for demonstrating sass
Cinna: To Katniss Everdeen – 'The Girl on Fire!'
Peeta: Hey...remember that time I got an 8? Wasn't that great?
Everyone chanting: Katniss! Katniss! Katniss!
Snow: An 11?
Seneca: She earned it
Snow: She get a sass bonus?
Snow: I don't know why we introduced that rule. She shot an arrow at your head
Seneca: Well, at an apple
Snow: You're assuming she hit her intended target. Seneca, why do you think we have a winner?
Seneca: Because the losers aren't able to give victory speeches?
Snow: If we wanted to intimidate the districts, why not round up 24 of them at random and execute them all at once?
Seneca: Too difficult to bet on?
Snow: Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear
Seneca: I knew a guy at school who was so strong he could lift five full school bags at once
Snow: A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. A spark is fine, as long as it is contained
Seneca: I'm sorry, I stopped listening. What did you say after 'sass bonus'?
Snow: Contain the spark!
Seneca: Sure. You got it...
Seneca:...wanna wash each other's beards?
Snow: You misunderstand our relationship, Seneca
*District 12 penthouse*
Effie: Oh Haymitch, you should join us. We're having some of your favourites for dinner – methylated spirits and arsenic
Katniss: Where's Peeta?
Haymitch: He's in his room, staring at a mirror and saying "8 is still good, 8 is still good." Now listen, tomorrow's the last day that they let us work with our own tributes right before the Games, so you and I will plan to go down at 9. But I probably won't actually wake until noon
Katniss: What about Peeta?
Haymitch: He says he wants to be trained on his own from now on. Probably a good idea. He really needs to be taught some Remedial Strangling. And he failed his Poisoning 101 class. Also, he can't read
Caesar: Thank you! Welcome to the 74th Annual Hunger Games! Annual, if you don't count that weird year that the Capitol President decided to outlaw murder. Glad we voted him out. In five minutes, all your favourite tributes will be out here. Also Peeta Mellark. Are you excited?!
Caesar: Let me hear it!
Caesar: An idiot crowd says 'Yeah'
Crowd: YEA- ooh, you almost got us
Katniss: *Spinning in her dress*
Cinna: Do you realise how beautiful you look?
Katniss: Well I don't have maggots in my hair and teeth, so I imagine better than usual. I just don't know how to get people to like me
Cinna: Just be yourself out there
Katniss: I can't do that. I can't kill all those people. Not yet...
Cinna: Just pretend that you're talking to me, OK?
Katniss: OK. But that's a lot of people I'm going to have to mentally undress
Caesar:...let's see if she does indeed shine. Let's have a warm round of applause for Glimmer!
Glimmer: Thank you, Caesar. I've really been making the most of my final week having my face look this symmetrical and not-smashed-in
*Other contestants come and go*
Caesar: Marvel, ladies and gentlemen!
Caesar: I think he'll be our 'annoying jerk' contestant. Please welcome Clove!
Clove: I'm just hoping to have a great time and make lots of new friends
Clove: That I will then brutally slay
Cato: It's an honour representing my district. And being able to show off these biceps at a national level
Caesar: Cato! Happy for his last public appearance to be in a neon jacket
Peeta, in line: Damn it! Cato stole my biceps joke
Katniss: Don't worry. They're enough of a joke on their own
Caesar: So you can climb trees, you're pretty quick, but are you a hunter? A gatherer?
Rue: *Yawns* I think it's passed my bedtime. Can I have a warm milk?
Caesar: Certainly. And you can also be thrown into a violent bloodbath with kids twice your age and size. Kids have it so easy these days
Peeta: Is he talking about me?
TO BE CONTINUED...