The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan Episode 69: Emperor Chop Chop
Hi everyone. I decided that I would have a go at writing a Transcredible Exploit of Zapp Brannigan after watching the episode in season six with it in. I also wanted to write something comical and something different to what I normally write.
Now it's disclaimer time. I don't own Futurama or any other copyrighted thing I mention in this fanfic. The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan would be an actual spin off if I did own Futurama.
Don't worry if you haven't seen the episode because you'll soon understand that it is all made up by Zapp. The actual scenes in the episode are Zapp's dreams but, given the type of person Zapp is, he would use his position in D.O.O.P. and his influence as a "war hero" to turn it into a TV program. This is the outcome ...
A shaky old fashioned introduction screen appeared on your TV with "The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan" written in the centre in a gold fancy joined up font. The background was a cardinal red and had a random hole cut out of the bottom right corner next to an advert.
"Kif, I told you the background looks better in colour than in black and white, like in my dream," a random voice spoke over the introduction theme playing. "And now to make my de-but on the big silver screen in colour."
Suddenly a man, wearing what was obviously a blonde toupee, appeared in the hole. He stared directly at the camera and did his best to speak in a alluring masculine voice, but he failed miserably and sound like a complete creep. "And now it's time for the Transcredible Exploits of Me, the twenty five star general, Zapp Brannigan."
Zapp pouted and pointed at himself before pointing at the advert next to him on the screen. "Sponsored by Bartley's rocket wax. I wax my rocket every day."
A wiry sigh could be heard and someone spoke in a tone laced with annoyance. "Sir, you can't be sponsored by something that doesn't exist."
"Shut up, Kif," Zapp retorted angrily as he glanced behind the background.
The image suddenly blurred and a frog-shaped spaceship appeared on the screen. It was an obviously crude wooden model with sparks coming out of the back. The model was "flying" past a space background, which actually was a black sheet with tiny holes cut out of it to represent stars. The camera began zooming in on the ship, making the strings holding it in the air blatantly obvious and adding to the cheap tackiness of everything.
The name Nimbus was written in black letters that suddenly grew larger as the model changed to a more detailed plastic version. The camera continued to zoom towards the bridge of the ship. It sped up and quickly ended up entering the ship through the front of the bridge and focusing on Zapp Brannigan.
Zapp sat in the large captain's chair at the centre of the bridge with his legs cross. He was in his cardinal red velour uniform, which he had personally designed with the belief that it was the perfect attire for battle. The oversized shirt had a belt around the waist that was doing its best to hold in the captain's ever expanding waistline. The uniform was topped off with white gloves, white boots and golden lapels. Zapp didn't wear pants. He felt war heroes didn't need to. He believed they were for women and sissies.
"Captain's log, stardate the year of the dragon," Zapp spoke into a microphone held by a green humanoid amphibian who was standing next to the captain's chair. "Commodore sixty four, Zapp Brannigan of D.O.O.P. here. I am bravely continuing my voyages to conquer strange new worlds and to eliminate new life forms, to boldly go where no man has gone before."
The green alien sighed before dryly informing his captain of an important matter. "Sir, those lines are copyrighted and that means you can't use them on your TV show."
"Shut up," Zapp slammed his hand down on the control panel of his chair. "I just defeated the Orphaned Children of Planet Abandonment at Five so I can say whatever I like. Besides, the program those lines are from has been banned for centuries now so if anyone does sue me then I'll have them shot!"
Kif shook his head and returned to his position all of one metre away from Zapp. He took his seat and placed the log recorded on the floor. He didn't care what happened to the ship's log because, after all, this was just Zapp's fantasy TV show being recorded for Fox. Kif knew Fox were the only network stupid enough to pay for the show.
A beeping suddenly sounded from Kif's control panel. The green amphibian glanced at the central display before turned back to Zapp. "Sir, we are receiving a distress signal."
"On screen," Zapp demanded as he stared at the giant glass window at the front of the bridge that he called a viewing screen.
"It's an audio message," Kif groaned wirily. "And we don't have a view screen. You requested a large window because, in your words, it provided a more realistic and therefore manly view of the world."
"Quit your blabbering and play the message," Zapp glared at his lieutenant. "And stick to the script I gave you damn it."
"Yes Sir," Kif groaned again before pressing one of the fake buttons on the set. He was clearly fed up with playing himself in this crappy enactment of his day to day life. So much for the camera getting his good side and him managing to land a job on Planet Hollywood.
"This is Captain Leela of the ship Planet Express Ship," a high pitched feminine voice was played on to the set. It was an actress who sounded nothing like the real woman she was trying to play. "We have been attacked by the evil Emperor Chop Chop. We are currently being boarded from the rear and need desperate help. If you can hear me Zapp then pleeeeeease saaaave me."
"Kif, I'm sensing an erotic and sensual disturbance in the force. Nobody boards Leela from the rear apart from me! And I do it over and over and over. Signal to the very smoking Leela that her Velour Fog is coming to save her once again, like Jesus when he rescued Marilyn Monroe in World War eye eye. Then set coordinates for thirty six, twenty four, thirty six," Zapp ordered before pointing forward.
Kif turned to face the actor portraying the helmsman. "Set course for the source of the distress signal."
"Make it so. I'm so happy that I'll be seeing Leela again that I'd have a gun in my pants if I was wearing any," Zapp then turned to Kif. "My underpants might be catapulted across the room soon. Be prepared to retrieve them for me, Kif old pal."
Kif shuddered at the idea of having to fetch Zapp's underpants again as everyone else paused. Zapp turned to the camera and the following lines somehow made it past his lazy editing process. "Cut. That's a wrap people. Now we'll move on to the next Transcredible Zapptacular scene."
I know it is rather short, but hopefully it is still good. Was it funny? Do you want me to continue writing this? Please let me know what you think by leaving a review below.