The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan Episode 69: Emperor Chop Chop
I don't own Futurama or any other copyrighted material I use in this chapter. I wish I did though.
The camera zoomed in on another crude model hanging on some obvious strings of fishing line. The makers hadn't even tried to hide the green wire from the camera. The model itself was a space station that had numerous decks, which were all denoted by the round windows. The camera began to focus on the windows of the top deck. A room that logically should be a control room.
"And action," Zapp's voice could be heard as the camera suddenly cut to a room inside the station. It was supposed to be the room the camera was focusing on while zooming in. For reasons unknown to anyone but Zapp, there were several washing machines and driers running in the background. Clearly this room was actually the laundry room acting as a temporary brig.
The camera focused on a fat man wearing a typical pirate costume that looked like it had been rented for a few dollars from some cheep ass store downtown. However, he had a laser gun attached to his left arm instead of the traditional hook used by pirates. The brown haired man was wearing an obviously fake black moustache that curled into spirals at the end. His wooden right leg was just his normal leg surrounded by wood.
Three people were tied to chairs in front of this pirate. The first person was a young woman with died purple hair. She was wearing a white tank top, black trousers and black boots. The corners of her normal eyes could be seen either side of the one fake that she was wearing. This fake eye was meant to turn her into the cyclops of Zapp's dreams. The black elastic strap holding the fake eye to the head of this actress only further confirmed that this was seriously cheep. Someone was taking the money from the special effects and keeping it for themselves.
Sitting next to the "monocular" woman were two men. The first was wearing just a plain shirt and jeans. He was made to look deliberately scruffy because the director and writer of this show didn't like him. He was chasing after the same woman as him. The second person was wearing a trash can around his torso and foil on his limbs. A makeshift foil hat sat on his head with an antenna coming out of the top. He was meant to be a robot.
The pirate laughed evilly as he surveyed the prisoners before him. He stared at the woman and addressed her. "No one can save you now, Leela."
"What about Zapp Brannigan?" The actress replied in a high pitched voice that was nothing like the real Leela's.
The pirate chuckled as waved his hand nonchalantly. "Well obviously Zapp Brannigan could save you ..."
Bang! A white boot broke through the thin wooden of door in the background. Bang! A white gloved fist followed through the door as someone clearly failed to make a stylish and heroic entrance due to the lack of a decent set. The person who the foot belonged to struggled for a few seconds as he tried to free himself.
"Help me out, Kif," Zapp said from behind the door. A few seconds later the foot and fist were removed, leaving holes in the flimsy set. The actors playing the other characters all cringed at the epic fail.
"Enter a man who has no underwear!" Suddenly Zapp charged through the door, leaving a cartoonish outline of himself in the set because the door still wouldn't fall like it was meant to.
"Zapp Brannigan!" A combination of shock and horror formed on the face of the pirate as he stared at his adversary. He started backing up towards the washing machines at the far end of the laundry brig.
"But sir, you do have ..."
"Ask me why I have no underwear," Zapp cut Kif off as he entered a pose for the camera. He placed both of his hands on his hips and smiled.
Expressions of joy spread across the captives' faces because they were going to be rescued. They would say anything to be saved or, in reality, the actors would say anything to get paid. "Why do you have no underwear, Super Nintendo Zapp Brannigan?"
"Because the pants haven't been built that can take the job on," Zapp answered in his most alluring voice, which still made him sound like a complete creep. His focus then turn to the pirate. "So Emperor Chop Chop, one again we meet at last."
Emperor Chop Chop had by now backed up against a washing machine. The vibrations from the said machine were making his belly wobble and his teeth clatter. It was an unintended special effect that actually made it look like he was quaking in his wooden leg's boot. He shakily brought his arm mounted gun up and aimed it at Zapp.
"Drop that space gun or I'll shoot," Zapp replied in what he considered a rather manly and heroic way. He quickly drew his laser gun from its holster on his hips and aimed it at Emperor Chop Chop. He then pressed the trigger and a red laser beam fired from the end. "Like so."
The beam hit Chop Chop in the chest and he dramatically cried out in pain as he fell to the floor. "Noooooo! My evil plans foiled again by Zapp Brannigan. I've just been Zapped."
The pirate emperor stopped moving as the three captives cheered their support for their hero. Zapp put his gun back into its holster before strolling over to the actress playing Leela. He bent down and tried to untie the ropes. The knots were tighter than he thought so he started pulling at them with more and more force. Eventually, after several minutes of grunting and random thrusting of his hips into the poor actress' face, the ropes came loose.
Zapp pulled Leela into his arms and held her close to him. She placed both her hands on his chest as her fake eye stared at Zapp's eyes. Zapp tried to give her his most seductive look as his hand slipped down under her trousers to her butt.
"Oooohhh Zapp!" Leela exclaimed with joy. "Tie me up again and ravish me."
"I'd like to Leela, so I will," Zapp smirked as he scooped her up into his arms. He headed for the door, leaving the other two captives still tied in the chairs. Clearly he had either forgot about them or he didn't care. "I'm going to show you why they call me the Zapp Cannon."
This chapter was meant to be Zapp's actual take on the dream that is first scene from the episode containing the Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan. I had him take some lines from Blackadder Goes Forth so he can sound like the character he wants to be.
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