Title: Dysphoria

Summery: Reincarnation isn't always like it is in the fanfictions. Sometimes, you end up in a body you would never expect to have ended up in. Sometimes, you end up in a body, that is completely wrong. SI OC

First off: I'm sorry, but... I don't know if I'll even finish this story. I love it, I adore it but... god, I have little imagination for it anymore. I reread chapters and shudder because I think of how terrible I wrote them.

I'm going to try, but... I don't know how often or anything. Heck, I might decide to rewrite the entire thing- it's got a good plot I lost early on and while I have no regrets writing this, I am sorry I didn't write it how it should have been.

Thank you to everyone who reads Dysphoria- if I do rewrite I'll post the new chapter. If I simply finish this, you'll know. I've got an ending I've planned and plotted out- the rewrite will be far different as well.

I adore you all.

Note: This chapter has a few comments about 'real' woman, as well as depressive thoughts.

A body hits the floor, the silence deafening. No one moves, no one makes a sound until a scream pulls out.



I feel my body move as I throw myself over the railing, Naruto, and Ino a step behind me. We land in a thud and I go for the young girl's body. I crouch, my hand on her throat, feeling her pulse.

Please, please, please, please...

"My Beautiful Rival! Please, wake-up!"

Nothing, nothing, oh god.

"HOW COULD YOU!" a scream pulls out, as I crouch over my pup, feeling my mind being torn apart. "WHY? WHY DID YOU KILL HER?"

"To prove my existence."

"Kashi-sensei... please, wake-up."

I stand, feeling my body move without even thinking about it. I turn, seeing Naruto screaming at Gaara, Ino sobbing as she collapses next to Sakura.

"You... you..."

"You hurt my pup," I say, but my voice isn't mine. It's dark, it's terrifying. I feel my skin burn, my headband falls to the ground.

When did I untie it?

"You killed my pup, my student." Is that my voice?

Sakura... Sakura...

"Come on Kashi, wake up!"


My eyes opened and I breathed in harshly. I choked a bit, my hands flying up to my face, covered only by my mask.

"Sensei!" Naruto... no, Naru. She was wearing a skirt. Her face was tear stained and her eyes looked so tired. "Sensei..."

"Kashi." sighed another voice by my elbow. Pakkun laid his head on my stomach. He didn't say more, but I felt his sorrow. I felt it in my bones.

"Sakura..." I said, blinking. A hand landed on my shoulder and I looked up to see Gai looking down at me with sad eyes. I blinked, feeling tears in my eyes... both of them... "I have it activated, don't I?"

"Yes." Gai's voice was slightly clipped as he spoke, his eyes a bit stern. "You went after the Suna boy, I had to knock you out."

"Should have let her kill him!" Naru snarled in anger, her eyes flashing. "He killed Sakura!" I felt a sharp pain, and my body ached as Pakkun whined.

Sakura was dead. Why hadn't I stopped the fight? I should have been watching it with my Sharingan, I should have kept a closer eye on her. I should have done something.

Instead, I'd been so focused on myself I completely disregarded her. I didn't think, let my pride get away with it.

Sakura was dead. Sakura was dead because of me.

"I should... I should have intervened. I knew who he was." I said, having to speak. "I didn't think... I..."

"You messed up." Gai agreed, and I flinched hearing him say it. But it was true. "...Naru-san, may you and Pakkun-san leave us? I need to speak to Kashi." They obeyed, Naru muttering about speaking to Sasuke...

Oh god, Sasuke. I stifled a sob, covering my face.

"...I'm a shit sensei," I said out loud.

"You made a mistake that caused your student her life... I believe 'shit sensei' may be a little too weak to describe you." Gai said blankly, and I laughed a bit brokenly. "I told the Hokage not to give you a team. Told him to give them to someone else, let you train Sasuke and Naru on the side."

"Knew I was a fuck up?" I asked, feeling tears. I didn't bother deactivating my Mangekyō Sharingan, letting the bloody tears trail down my face. Gai sighed, sitting down in a chair.

"Because I know you too well." It was a simple answer, plain and to the point. "Kashi... you aren't mentally well enough to be a sensei. I knew you could get drawn into yourself, give yourself tunnel vision. A bright young ninja is dead because you got to wrapped up in yourself- don't lie. I know you did."

"Orochimaru approached me, offered me a chance to get a female body," I said softly. "He... he said if I gave him Sasuke he would do it. I... for a second I considered it. I was..."

"Thinking of how awful a person you are when Sakura was fighting?" Gai asked rhetorically. He stood up and shook his head.

I rarely saw him serious, or angry. He was a 'live in the moment' kind of guy. He lived loudly and happily. When I did see him serious, I knew that I was seeing the Gai who had helped me through my breakdowns, through losing everyone.

Obito and Gai had been the best men I had ever met in my life- ever.

"You are a selfish person Kashi. You get over-confident in yourself, and then tear yourself down. You're selfish and a terrible person sometimes... but you are a person. You are human, you want things you can't have, and you hate yourself for it." He placed a hand on my shoulder. "Remember this. Remember a young girl died because of your inability to think past yourself in a crucial moment. And learn from it." He stood up and left, pausing for a second to look at me.

His eyes were full of something. Pain, loyalty, care... and love. I'd known he loved me for years, but I'd never gone for it, convinced he needed someone better than me, that I wasn't...

Oh, there it was. I. How many times have I focused on myself? How many times did I fuck up because of how I reacted to things.

I closed my eyes and turned off my Mangekyō, getting out of bed right after to slowly go to the bathroom attached to the hospital room. I removed my mask, staring at myself in the mirror.

To square jaw. A light brush of facial hair- had to shave that night. A long scar. Bloody lips.

I looked at my hands and saw masculine hands, large and strong. I closed my eyes once more and took a breathe.

It would never go away. I didn't expect it to. But... I opened my eyes once more and looked into the mirror.

I was done feeling angry.

I was done feeling sorry.

I let Sakura die.

I'd be damned if I lost another pup, another part of my family.

I was done being selfish.


Am I destined to attend funerals? I remember thinking once, as I watched a teammate be burned.

Similar thoughts ran through me as I stood with my pups, watching Sakura burn. Sasuke was blank, his face without emotion.

Naruto was fury, angry and bitterness wrapped up in sadness.

Ino, standing near us, was crying, her bitter sobs loud in the open. We watched as Sakura turned to ash, and then she approached us, her face set.

"You're going to make him pay, right?" she asked Sasuke. Sasuke had drawn Gaara for his opponent, while Naruto had drawn Shino.

"I'll make him bleed." It was the first I heard Sasuke say since he got out of the hospital. I reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. He reached up to grab it, his face set. Naruto spoke up next.

"If I get him, I'll kill him." Naruto sounded more like the demon inside of him than ever then, his voice dark and feral. Ino didn't flinch, though, instead, she smiled.


We left the funeral, heading towards my home when we ran into the Hokage. As soon as I saw him I stopped and looked right at him.

"You once kept me from raising Naruto. You kept me from my sensei's son, the child I considered my own sibling." I was blunt, refusing to look away. I could sense Jiraiya somewhere, his chakra purposely spiking. "My answer to your possible question is no. My students- I am training them."

"Naruto needs to be trained by-" I snorted.

"Jiraiya? His godfather? The one who fucking abandoned his duty to a child? The one who lost all his students?" I laughed bitterly in Sarutobi's face. "Yes, I can see what a great fucking teacher he would be." I stormed past him, my students following me.

"If you kill an allied village's jinchuriki, it could bring us to war." I didn't stop, instead only speaking up.

"They announced war when he came here. I'm just responding to the statement."

Entering the house, I turned to my pups, both looking angry.

"Let's make him bleed," I told them both. They snarled in glee. My mind flashed over to the dog contract and I felt my lips curl into a snarl itself.

I would never loose another pup- not to a different teacher, not to anything.

But if I did... well, I would declare him my son. Legally he would be. He could go by Hatake Naruto if he wanted to.

"I'm the jinchuriki of the Kyuubi," Naruto said as we moved deeper into my home. "I could beat him down."

"I've got the Sharingan- I can get him under control." Sasuke shot back. He didn't react to the announcement, he just moved on and focused on the target.

Good boy.

"Both of you have a chance- Naruto's up first against Shino, but Shino's simple," I said as I entered the dojo in the middle of the house. The contract and the swords hung on the wall. "He can't drain Naruto, and his bugs would die from poisoning anyway." I stopped, staring at my father's weapons.

I had never really used them, not really. But...

"The Hatake clan used to use swords all the time. I had some talent but..." I reached out and picked up the tanto, holding it firmly. "My father failed a mission to save his team." Sasuke stepped forward as I turned around, Naruto seemingly picking up on the atmosphere. "If you take this, you declare yourself my son." Sasuke jerked back, eyes a bit shocked, his anger falling away. "You use this, and you become a Hatake in every way but name." He would still be a Uchiha, still the last.

But he would declare himself my son.

"I have other swords." I said, watching Sasuke's eyes. He looked into mine, and they hardened. He reached out and grabbed the tanto. I nodded. "Naruto..." I began, looking up to look at the boy. He looked hurt, but I focused his attention on me. "The same thing happens if you sign the summoning contract- but it also declares you as my chosen child, my heir. Unless I have a blood heir, you will be given all my assets when I die." A hold out from the old days when no one knew if they could live long enough for a child. It was a pretty heavy commitment, Naruto would always be my apprentice until he became a jonin, and even then he would still be introduced as 'Hatake Kakashi's Apprentice'. Any action he did would reflect on me.

Honestly- they probably expected me to pick Sasuke to do this with. The same with the canon Kakashi- he most likely marked Sasuke as a possible heir, unless he had plans for Naruto later on, but I had a feeling he wanted to use Sasuke, given Naruto was slated to be Jiraiya's apprentice.

"I'll sign." Naruto said as Sasuke nodded his assent to Naruto signing the contract- unneeding of any of my assets with the Uchiha clan's huge stockpile of money and other resources. I took a long breath before I smirked.

"We've got work to do then."

So, yeah... Anyway, I always plotted for Kashi to refuse to let Jiraiya train Naruto, because honestly? The man fucked up. He abandoned his godkid, left him to fend for himself, ran away from his responsibility. I don't care it was so he could be a spymaster. I don't care he was mourning- he was a shit godparent.

And Kashi faces her own issues. Now, I want to make this clear: Kashi is not in her right mind because of her depression and self-centered tendencies. That's it. She is fine otherwise, but she has the habit of focusing on herself and no one else, which is not a good thing for a sensei. Gai might like her, but he also acknowledges she fucked up pretty bad with her students.

Stay tuned please! And I love Reviews!