A/N: thought I'd repost this next…complete and doesn't need major nuclear extermination…err…editing.
Warnings: Angst…lots of. Mentions of off-screen violence. Mental disability.
Yours To Hold
Seto's eyes snapped open in alarm at the sudden, loud and high-pitched voice that pulled him savagely, cruelly from the sweet clutches of the deep, comforting darkness which his mind confined him to during the sleep he'd fallen into earlier this morning at a little before 03:00 AM. He blinked dazedly, wondering if the world was crashing to an end for Yami, whose voice was the one that turned so screechy and squeaky.
He did not have much more time to wonder about it, because he suddenly heard Yami bursting into a fit of mad giggles and he found his arms full of his boyfriend's tiny, little body which jumped into bed and beside him, underneath the covers and burrowed very close to his. He smiled, as Yami did that awfully weird thing of his. He lifted the hem of Seto's pajama top and he ducked down so he could pass his head under it and, squirming, he wormed his head up, so that it emerged from the top, beside Seto's.
"Good…" Yami sang, drawing out the word happily, making Seto close his eyes and grin tiredly, before finishing, "morning, Seto! Wakey wakey!" and he playfully, too quickly to be stopped before it's too late, placed his lips against Seto's ear and gave him a smacking kiss right on it.
"Yami! Don't do that!" he half-screeched when he felt the shudder that ran throughout his whole body at that trick Yami knew very well…and used very dirtily very well, too.
Yami burst into peals of laughter at that and one of his arms slid around Seto's waist and the other rested against his chest. Seto sighed and sleepily leaned his head forward, letting it rest against Yami's warm, sweet-smelling hair as Yami's fingers touched all they can reach of his exposed skin which was easily accessible to him underneath the shirt…with the way he was squeezed in with Seto in it like that.
"Seto is still sleepy," he remarked, the corners of his lips drooping down slightly in sadness.
Seto opened his eyes and took in Yami's genuinely worried expressions, so he raised his hand and gently placed it on the side of his face and tiredly asked, "What time is it?"
Yami grinned happily and said, "Yami doesn't know. But Yami finished watching Fairly Odd Parents." Seto stiffened and was going to bolt upright because that show ended at nine in the morning, but then Yami's hand slid into his hair and he gently held his head in place, facing him and he said with the same, cute smile on his face, "Don't worry…it's a Saturday."
At hearing that, Seto's entire body relaxed and he closed his eyes once more, letting his head rest on Yami's arm that slid underneath his neck to act as some sort of a pillow for him. "I'll wake up…soon," he promised and took a deep breath, taking in Yami's distinct, trademark scent of fresh mandarins, the smell of his favorite shower-gel which he used almost three bottles of every month…not that Seto minded at all.
"Yami is not here to wakey Seto up. Yami is here because Mokuba went out and Yami is missing his favorite Dragon! Yami will shut up now and sleepy beside Seto because Seto slept late yesterday." Yami explained. He too closed his eyes and, with his hand not underneath Seto's head, he rubbed his palm up and down Seto's back and nuzzled into the brunet's warmth while kissing the juncture between his neck and shoulder.
Seto peeked an eye open and mumbled incoherently, his words coming out slightly slurred because he was so comfortable and almost half-asleep still, "I should get you another kitten, don't you think?"
"But Yami already has a kitty…" Yami opened his eyes and blinked seriously, scared. "Piika is not old, please don't send her to the old dog living with that friend of yours who came last month…we will give her away to some other place where they will be nice to her…please…"
Seto smiled and his hand gently rose up to Yami's petal-soft lips, and he placed his index finger on it making him stop his terrified, confused speech. Yami blinked at him with his wide, crimson eyes, so he said while tenderly running his index finger over the very soft, fragile skin of Yami's lower lip, "I meant, get you another kitten, along with Piika. So that you won't feel lonely."
Yami blinked again, slowly. "Another…kitty?" Seto smiled and nodded. Yami blinked once more and narrowed his lovely crimson eyes and Seto felt him counting on his hand, "That means Yami will have…t…two kitties…?"
Seto nodded and kissed him on the nose.
Yami blinked and he smiled widely and hugged Seto tighter around the neck and exclaimed happily, "Yami loves Seto!"
"Yeah and Seto loves Yami."
To any outsider, the scene may have made them laugh. How could it not? Yami stuck inside Seto's pajama top like that, so that both their heads emerged from the neck of the garment and with Yami speaking and acting like a little, three-year-old…the whole situation was hilarious.
Yet to Seto…there wasn't a scrap of hilarity in the whole situation. Sweet of Yami to come to him to say he missed him, yeah. Not funny, though. Saddening to see the struggle on Yami's face while trying to add the number of kitties he would have if Seto got him another one, yeah…very saddening. But never, ever funny. There was nothing funny about the obscene vulnerability of Yami's character now.
After that horrible, horrible thing happened to him…nothing about him was funny anymore. Seto blamed himself nonstop for what happened… How could he not? If he had stayed with Yami that day…if he had brushed off Yami's reassurance that he would be fine if left to go home by himself…if only.
He had been stupid. It was his fault, no matter what Yugi told him and what Joey yelled at him in the back alley of the hospital building after punching him square on the jaw a few days after it happened. No matter what Mokuba tried to say, or what everyone else around him said, he knew it. It was his fault.
Some convicts were out on the loose. Five of them. They escaped from prison and the police warned everyone to take utmost care while moving around the streets and all. Seto knew that…Yami knew it as well. Domino was anything but safe at that time. No one should go out alone. No one should wander around for no reason. The instructions were clear and warnings alarming. Yet…
Yami had work to do in school. He was setting up a play with some small kids and he stayed behind to help them out and show them their parts and play around with them. Seto said he would stay with him. He said he didn't mind staying with him, he wanted to. Yami looked plainly amazing, surrounded by so many small kids and with such a patient, loving attitude, it made Seto smile inwardly. He wanted to stay until he took Yami back to the safe, secure grounds of the heavily-guarded Mansion.
But Yami, always sweet, understanding and amazing, smiled and told him to go ahead and go to work, so that they would have the evening to themselves. He promised to make a nice dinner and he said they would just relax together, watch a movie, eat ice-creams and do fun things later on.
Seto should have stayed with him… Yet, he didn't. He liked the idea, too much. He waited till all the kids looked away and pecked Yami quickly on the lips and muttered a tiny 'I love you' then left. How he wished he did not do that.
Yami's cell phone's battery died…he couldn't call the limo's driver. So he decided that since the Mansion was close by, just a couple of blocks away, he would walk there. Simple…a very short distance and he would get home.
Seto should have stayed with Yami…
No one really knew what happened. Everyone could only make guesses as to what exactly happened. A few hours later, Yami was found in a side alley by the police, which Seto had called when he didn't find Yami at home and threatened with his influence and power that if they do not send out no less than ten parties to search for his missing boyfriend, they would all suffer really, really badly in the future.
Seto was called immediately, and he arrived at the scene Yami was found at to find that the ambulance had already taken Yami to the hospital. Yet before he dashed madly back inside his car to drive like a maniac to where his boyfriend was taken, he saw it. He saw the blood, he saw the torn clothes and saw his worst nightmares in front of him in the form of Yami's life liquid splattered all over the ground like something unworthy, like it wasn't the most precious thing in the whole world.
The doctors said Yami would live. But the state in which he would live in from then onwards was touch and go. Nothing was too certain, especially with the injuries he got…especially with how those injuries told story after terrifying and bone-chilling story of what Yami had gone through in those few hours.
In the two days that followed, in which Yami just lay like a still, fragile and broken porcelain doll in the ICU room, Seto often found himself in the five minutes of the whole day Yami was allowed any visitors (and which the others were amazing enough to let Seto have), rushing out of the room for the nearest restroom to just throw up the nonexistent contents of his stomach. He was so guilty…he was dying. Dying in the most cruel and unholy way every single time he saw Yami's chest fluttering unevenly up and down, struggling to draw in breath.
And to increase the cruelty and horror of what he was already feeling, Yami woke up. Again, seemingly, it may have been a good thing. But in actuality…with the state, in which Yami woke up…Seto did not know if he preferred whether Yami had woken up or stayed asleep.
He woke up with the mind of that of a child…and not just that. The mind of a retarded or mentally-challenged child to that.
He woke up and remembered Yugi, and remembered Joey, Téa, Tristan and Mokuba. He even remembered Ryou when the boy spent enough time around him.
He remembered Seto. Remembered he loved him, even more than the others (part of why the doctors were amazed) and he remembered that he meant the world to him. He totally depended on Seto for the month that he spent recuperating in the hospital. Seto would often break down to tears when he was alone with Yami in the hospital room. And Yami would freeze and hold Seto and ask him childishly, "Why is Seto sad? Is Seto's tummy hurting like Yami's tummy is hurting?" and kill him a bit more on the inside…
That was…a year and a half ago. Yami had completely recovered from his physical injuries. He moved out of the Game Shop with Seto's insistence. Seto was now completely in charge of him and his every need and truth to be said, he was doing such a good job of it, no one dared question the rightness of having such a special-case like Yami under custody of another teenager like that.
Sometimes, some part of the old Yami would emerge. Sometimes, when Seto got too busy, he would drop the way with which he spoke in third person and he would stomp into the brunet's office and glare heatedly and snap, "I would appreciate if you show me you loved me a bit more than you loved your keyboard, Dragon."
At first, he was determined never ever to touch Yami in a sexual way ever again. Not when he was in this state. Never! Yet, that was a bit difficult, especially when Yami would push him onto the bed and start acting and speaking in a completely different way to what he spoke a few moments before they entered the bedroom. Soon, his will started to crumple. He was human. A strong-willed human. But a human.
It was impossible. His boyfriend, the one he'd already made love to countless times before, was right in front of him, with him, but not completely. Out of reach, Yami was. The thought of undressing him like before, of touching him in any sensual, sexual way like before…the thought of having that lithe, slender, familiar body beneath him, of touching the smooth, soft yet firm skin and feel the perfect muscles ripple under his fingers. To hear that familiar, husky, loving voice beside his ear, whispering his name and to feel Yami's fingers dancing gracefully, passionately on his own skin, setting where it touched on fire.
Seto's mind often bordered on insanity at those thoughts.
Not when Yami was like that. Even if Seto had to spend an eternity burning up with longing for those things to happen. The idea made him feel sick, like some sort of a pedophile. It didn't matter that Yami's body was physically seventeen just like his. It didn't matter if Yami loved him and knew that Seto was more special than any of the other people he could still remember. What mattered was that Yami was not the same in the head.
But, even though he was willing to suffer so much with his longing, Seto couldn't hold out any longer against how Yami would change completely the moment he would put him in the bed of one of the extra rooms of the Mansion which Seto had given to him since Yami moved in. He couldn't resist how, every single time Yami sensed he was about to leave, he would grab his clothes and cling to them. And when Seto would sit on the edge of the bed beside him, Yami would climb on top of him and his now wide, innocent and sometimes clueless crimson eyes would become half-lidded and nearly-black with the expression of desire and lust that Seto had seen too many times before.
At first, Seto would patiently, sweetly, cajole Yami with words and innocent, platonic touches to stop acting in this nerve-shattering way and urge him to go to sleep after simply placing a kiss on his cheek and wishing him a very goodnight and sweet dreams. But, a month or two later, that technique started failing miserably, horribly. Yami would break down to tears with his slender fingers digging into Seto's clothes and he would whisper over and over again, "You hate me…why do you hate me, Seto? I am sorry…I didn't want them to do that to me."
Seto was horrified, the words slashed at him painfully. It happened so many times, but Seto couldn't do it, he couldn't bring himself to touch Yami like he did before. When Yami got like that, he would hug him and say, "Yami, I love you. I don't care what they did, I will always love you…" but it never worked. Nothing penetrated the darkness that was wrapped tightly around his logic. Seto would later weep because he knew what, behind that façade of cute-childishness, Yami was thinking. He knew where his real Yami was. He was drowning in the horror he had gone through that evening. He was drowning in it and even Seto couldn't reach him there.
Eventually, on one fine day, after dinner and much fights about Yami not wanting to stop eating cookies and Seto ending up with a headache because of how much he asked Yami to stop eating them, when Seto took Yami to his room and for the millionth time got dragged inside it, it became too much. Too much to bear, too much to handle and deal with. Yami had once again tried to kiss him on the lips and at the same moment, his small hand slid under the hem of the t-shirt Seto was wearing to touch his skin and set it on fire, just like Seto remembered it always did…
And again he'd resisted. And again, Yami pulled away and stopped touching him. And once again, he started crying and saying all those things that eventually, made Seto slowly wrap his arm around him and bury his head in his shoulder and start crying as well.
Yami ended up stopping crying soon and it was Seto left clinging to him desperately, crying fervently, the sound of his sobs prominent and heart-wrenching. Seto didn't even know what was going on, but he knew that all of a sudden, their roles were switched and Yami was trying to soothe his tears away. He didn't even know how long it took for him to stop sniveling and draw away from Yami.
"I'm sorry," he'd said quietly, feeling more wretched than ever. He did not have the right to be so weak. It was his fault. "I just really…really…" he trailed off, feeling his tears starting to form once more, and he titled his head away and whispered, "miss you…I miss you…"
Yami at that moment placed his hand on his cheek and made him look at him. Behind the blurriness of his tears, Seto saw a familiar face looking at him. He saw Yami looking at him in concern, helplessness, sadness…
And he heard him speak as well. Not in broken, third-person speech. But in the familiar deep, baritone tones, which Seto knew very well. "I miss you too, Seto, but you don't want to even touch me. I don't think I can live anymore like this. If you don't stop treating me like I don't exist then I will kill myself."
"Oh God…don't say such things," he'd desperately pleaded, holding onto Yami's hands as though fearing that any moment, he would sink back into that childish state he had been in for months now.
"Then don't act as though you and I were never together and don't treat me like a child!" Yami snapped at him, looking angry and his eyes flashing dangerously.
Seto was speechless. He didn't know what to do after what Yami just said. Was he really treating Yami like a child?
Well…the answer had been yes.
And as he stayed still, horrorstruck and disbelieving at how much he'd screwed up when it concerned Yami yet once again, Yami tentatively crouched nearer to him on the bed and once more put his hand on his cheek. Seto's eyes, guilty, hurt, and confused beyond reason, looked into Yami's crimson ones and he barely had time to blink when Yami once more kissed him on the lips, softly, shyly…fearfully.
And that was when all resolve shattered. The next morning, Yami woke up to find him sitting beside him in bed, his back leaned against the headboard, a faraway look in his blue eyes that continuously spilled rivers of tears that smudged his face and gave him an extremely pale look. Yami had sat up straight in bed beside him, hugged him and ran his hands over the smooth, exposed, creamy-white skin and urged him to put his head on his shoulder and told him that "Yami is very happy this morning…"
After a while, Seto understood that Yami needed that intimate, physical action. He needed it to make sure that Seto was not disgusted of, or hated, him. And after a while, he started doing it with more naturalness, almost as much as he used to do it before Yami…changed.
He still loved Yami, changes and all. He may hate the way he changed, the way he was so childish and the way he couldn't even put together the simplest of things when, just a year ago, he was the smartest kid his age in Domino. He hated the sudden, unpredictable mood swings and the heart-stopping scares he got when Yami would just start crying all of a sudden, pressing himself into one corner and refusing to respond to anything at all. He hated that he usually sat with his back pressed against the wall Yami was crouching into, and hated how he could only stare in brokenness at his boyfriend's small body, without being able to do a single thing about it.
But he loved Yami.
And right now, retarded or not, a childish mind or not…Yami was and always would be the most important thing in his life.
A/N: I still can't believe I am reposting things -_- I am doing this without my consent, just so everyone knows.
Thanks for reading. And yes, expect updates for this story every Saturday at 11:00PM Egypt Local Timing.