KING OF FIGHTERS TELEVISION!

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I do not own the King of Fighters. SNK does. I am borrowing them fro my own amusement. I promise to return them when finished. I also am making no money off of this work. I am just a poor student, so suing me is futile. Otherwise, just enjoy the fic.

Also, I use the ideas from some existing shows. So, please, DO NOT SUE ME EITHER! I am not making a profit writing this, and I am just trying to deliver humor (I hope) to all.

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Zero lies in a hospital bed. Pissed off that he lost the fight in the King of Fighters 2000 Tournament, and had his 'Zero Cannon' destroyed. Basically, life has not been kind to him. To pass the time, he lifts his hand and turns on the Television in his room.

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8:30 - 9:00 AM = "Shingi Trioca Funhouse"

Chizuru Kagura, Iori Yagami, and Kyo Kusanagi are standing in the middle of a large room painted with horribly pastel colored carousel horses, huge children's toys, and Magic wards meant to keep the Orochi power sealed away. Gigantic stacks of building blocks, disgustingly cute stuffed animals, packages of meat, and Shinto artifacts are everywhere in this God damned chamber of children's programming. Chizuru wears a white bunny outfit, Iori wears a yellow duck costume, and Kyo wears a blue jellyfish costume.

Iori (Mutters): This is so God damn humiliating...

Chizuru kicks Iori in the back of his leg.

Iori: GAH! SONUVABITCH! THAT HURT!

Chizuru (Ignores Iori's protests, speaks with an very scary cutesy smile): Hello out there, kids! It's that time again! TIME TO RUN INTO YOUR PARENTS' ROOM SO YOU CAN JUMP UP AND DOWN ON THEIR BEDS AND ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF THEM!!!

Iori and Kyo: YEAH!

Chizuru: IT'S TIME TO EAT 10 BOWLS OF CHOCOLATE FROSTED MARSHMALLOW SUGAR OS AND ROT YOUR TEETH AWAY!

Iori and Kyo: YEAH!

Chizuru: IT'S TIME TO MAKE CONTRIBUTIONS TO SHINGI TRIOCA FUNHOUSE SO WE CAN STAY ON THE AIR!!!

Iori and Kyo: YEAH!!!

Iori (Mutters): do we really want this on the air though?

All three loons run around in a circle a couple of times, then stop and stand smiling idiotically at the camera once again.

Chizuru: And today, we have a special guest on Shingi Trioca Funhouse! Everyone please give a warm, happy, Shingi Trioca Funhouse welcome to...

Kyo: BILL CLINTON?

Iori smacks Kyo in the back of the head.

Chizuru: No. Allow me to present, Mr. AL GOOOOOOOORRRREEEEEEE!!!

Kyo: ... Close enough...

Mr. Gore himself walks in, wearing his nicely pressed suit.

Gore (Very mechanically): Hi kids!

Chizuru, Iori, and Kyo (In cutesy voices, wave their hands): HI MR. GORE!

Kyo: Um... Mr. Gore... Why is there an electrical cord leading from your pant leg to the back round?

Gore (Stares at Kyo): NO COMMENT!

Kyo tries to question further, but Gore punches Kyo in the stomach. Kyo falls down on his face.
Iori: Heh. I like him.

Chizuru (Tense): Oh, Mr. Gore. You are HILLARIOUS! Anyway, why don't we have a 'private' conversation out back?

Gore: My dear, I would be delighted.

Chizuru leads Gore to behind the stage prop of a huge storybook. We hear noises of Chizuru kicking Gore's ass.

Chizuru: YOU IDIOT! ! DO YOU ! REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT ! KYO IS!? ! I NEED HIS SORRY ASS TO FIGHT THE OROCHI!!! !

Gore: PLEASE! ! STOP THE CRUELTY!!! ! OH THE HUMANITY!!! !

Iori (To Kyo): What do we do now? I don't feel like entertaining preschoolers and making an ass of myself.

Kyo (Smiles Happily, speaks very loud): While Chizuru and Mr. Gore go over 'creative differences'...

Random noises of Gore's torture coming from the background.

Kyo: ... Me and Iori will sing a HAPPY SONG!

Iori: I AM NOT SINGING!

Kyo: COME ON IORI! IT WILL BE FUN!

Iori: No.

Kyo: PLEASE?

Iori: No. NOW GO AWAY BEFORE I RIP YOU A NEW ASS HOLE!

Kyo: Remember... You don't sing, you won't get paid.

Iori (Smiling through his teeth as he shudders in disgust): Oh! I WOULD LOVE TO SING... Brr...

Kyo: I'm sure you do! Sing with me now! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? AND I HOPE YOU DO...

Iori (Clutches the sides of his head): I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I CAN'T STAND THIS LIFE OF LIVING IN A DUCK COSTUME!!!

Kyo: Um... Iori... We only started doing this today...

Iori: WHY THE HELL YOU EVEN BRING ME ON THIS SHOW ANYWAY!?!?!?

Kyo: I brought you here because... Because... I love you...

Iori (Stares at Kyo): ... What... The... F*ck? ...

Kyo: I WANT YOU IORI!!!

Iori (Eyes bulge, scared shitless): GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! GO AWAY YOU PERVERTED FREAK!!!

Kyo starts chasing Iori around the room. Iori lets out his first scream of sheer horror in years.

Iori: LEAVE ME ALONE GOD DAMN IT!!!

This goes on for the next 10 minutes until finally Al Gore steps out from behind the huge storybook, followed by Chizuru.

Gore (Bruised, bloodied, and a bit of metal shows through under his skin): Okay kids, what did we learn today?

Iori: I LEARNED THAT I HATE KYO EVEN MORE SO THAN BEFORE!!!

Kyo (Jumps up and down happily): I learned the meaning of the words "restraining order", "contempt in court", "homosexuality", "public nudity", and "sexual repression".

Iori smacks Kyo in the back of the head again... HARD!

Iori: As I said... I LEARNED THAT I HATE KYO EVEN MORE SO THAN BEFORE!!!

Chizuru: And I learned that having political candidates on the show is my worst idea EVER!

Gore: Well said. That's all for today. Bye kids!

Everyone waves and smiles in an extremely fake manner. Except for Iori, who punches Kyo across his face.

Kyo: GAH! MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!

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12:00 - 1:00 PM = "Afternoon News with Chang Koehan and Choi Bounge"

Chang and Choi, both wearing pressed suits are sitting behind desks in front of a bunch of television monitors. Chang is still wearing a giant ball and chain over his shoulders. Choi is wearing his claws.

Chang: Welcome. I am Chang Koehan

Choi: And I am Choi Bounge.

Chang: And we are bringing you...

Choi: ... AFTERNOON NEWS WITH CHOI BOUNGE AND CHANG KOEHAN!

Chang: What!? It's "Afternoon News with Chang Koehan and Choi Bounge" you dumb turd.

Choi: YOU HEARD ME! MY NAME SHOULD COME FIRST! THE IMAGE OF A SELF-RESPECTING MAN SELLS MUCH BETTER THAN THAT OF AN OBESE FAT ASS LIKE YOU!!!

Chang: YOU TRAITOROUS, UGLY ASS MIDGET! I'LL KILL YOU!

Chang and Choi ready their weapons and hurl themselves at each other.

Chang and Choi: DIE!!!

Screen turns blue and lettering pops up

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40 minutes later, the show comes back on and Kim Kaphwan is sitting back in Chang's seat smiling. Chang and Choi are sprawled on the ground bloodied, bruised, and broken.

Kim: Sigh... Those two are never going to learn... Sigh...

Chang: Call 911! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!!!

Choi: You mean you could feel them before with all that weight?

Chang: ... Just shut up and get in my belly you twerp...

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2:00 - 2:30 PM = "Psycho Soldiers Go"

Athena Asamiya, Sie Kensou, Chin Gensai, Bao, and Jhun Hoon (all in outfits that look like they came out of 80's fashion), face off against a cheesy looking monster... Oh wait... That's Ryuji Yamazaki...

Yamazaki (In green make-up): EH HEH HEH HEH HEH! SOON, THE EARTH'S SUPPLY OF PORK BUNS SHALL BELONG TO ME! YAMAZAKI-MONSTER, AND THEN I SHALL RULE THE WORLD! EH HEH HEH HEH HEEEEEHHHH!!! ... (In a lower voice). God, this script sucks!

Athena: OH NO! THE EVIL YAMAZAKI-MONSTER PLANS TO STEAL THE EARTH'S SUPPLY OF PORK BUNS!

Kensou: WE MUST STOP THE FIEND!

All the aforementioned heroes pull out a coin.

Athena: CUTE LOOKS POWER! (Coin glows red).

Kensou: PORK BUN POWER! (Coin glows blue).

Chin: SAKE POWER! (Coin glows green).

Bao: AMBIGUOUS GENDER POWER! (Coin glows yellow).

Jhun: TAE KWON DO POWER! (Coin glows black).

Insert a cheesy 50-second transformation sequence that ends with the characters in even cheesier Power Ranger rip off outfits.

Athena: WE ARE...

All (Make a pose): PSYCHO SOLDIERS!

All cast members pull aluminum baseball bats from out of nowhere and start to beat up on Yamazaki with them. After 10 minutes of doing this, they stop beating up on Yamazaki to turn to the camera and give the lesson of the day.

Athena: Remember kids. When some stranger offers you candy, run away and tell an adult. When some stranger offers you pork buns...

Kensou: ACCEPT! YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID!

Yamazaki: ... I can't feel my legs...

Bao hits Yamazaki on the head with his bat again.

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3:00 - 3:30 PM = "Clones in the Family"

We see Krizalid sitting in the armchair in a living room. He is wearing a dirty shirt with brown pants and white socks. He is singing the theme of "All in the Family" to himself. Foxy appears from the kitchen.

Foxy: Archie... Er... Krizalid. Get dressed. Kula is coming home with her boyfriend K'.

Krizalid: Great. My little girl's bringing over the "Meat head"... Ugh... Why couldn't she have found herself someone like Ex-President J. Edgar Hoover? Ah... Those were the days...

The door opens up. In walks Kula Diamond and K' Dash.

Kula: HI FOXY!

K': Hey old man.

Krizalid: You realize you're dead from the neck up, right?

K': Huh?

Krizalid: Never mind. Dingbat...

K': Um... Is there a problem Mr. Bunker?

Krizalid: Yes. That you're dating my little girl.

K': Why do you always have to be...

Doorbell rings. In walks the Kyo clones.

Kyo-1: Krizalid, I have...

Kyo-2: ... A bone to pick with you.

Krizalid: What now?

Kyo-1: We heard about your campaign...

Kyo-2: ... Against pure Kyo clones.

Krizalid: Well, you Dingbats always finish each other's sentences for one thing. NOW GET OUTTA HERE!

Krizalid throws the clones out, walks over to the piano, and starts playing Archie Bunker's theme.

K': Was there any point to all this?

Kula: Not really...

Krizalid (Off key): THOSE WERE THE DAAAAAAYYYYYSSSSS!!!

Kula (Spreads her arms): FREEZE EXECUTION!!!

With that, the whole place is covered in ice.

Kula: Guess I overdid it, huh?

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5:00 - 6:00 PM = "Who Wants to be an Evil Over Lord with Geese Howard"

Geese: Welcome. I am your host, Geese Howard. Let me welcome my guests. 'The Modern Pirate' Rugal Bernstein...

Rugal: Hello.

Geese: ... The Heavenly King Leopold Goenitz...

Goenitz: Hi.

Geese: ... And the All mighty deity, Orochi.

Orochi: I am one with 'gaia'...

Geese: Anyway, we all know the rules, lets begin. Question #1, for 100 points. If you see Kyo Kusanagi walking down the street, what should you do?

Rugal: BEAT HIM!

Goenitz: KILL HIM!

Orochi: Sit patiently, and wait for Iori to kill him for me.

Geese: ... Orochi gets the points! Question #2, for 300 points. You see that your base is under siege by a legion of so-called 'heroes'. What should you do?

Rugal: Blow up the base and take them all with me to hell.

Goenitz: Attack them with everything I have left.

Orochi: Just use my all mighty power to destroy them eternally.

Geese: ... Orochi gets the points!

Rugal: WHAT!?

Goenitz: SONUVABITCH!

Geese: Question #3, for 500 points. You see a chance to get power, but it has the possibility of killing you. What do you do?

Rugal: USE IT!

Goenitz: Use the power for other purposes.

Orochi: I do not care for other power. My power is the greatest.

Geese: ... Orochi gets the points!

Rugal: WHAT CRAP!

Goenitz: I don't believe this.

Geese: Question #4, for 1,000 points. What way do I like to fake my death the most?

Rugal: Falling off a building.

Goenitz: Falling off a building.

Orochi: Falling off Geese Tower.

Geese: OROCHI GETS THE POINTS!

Rugal: DAMN IT! STOP FAVORING OROCHI!

Orochi points his hand at Rugal, and Rugal is obliterated in a Pillar of light.

Goenitz (Stares at where Rugal once was): Um... I FORFEIT!!! (Goenitz starts running the hell out of there).

Geese: Well Orochi, looks like you win.

Orochi: Was there any doubt?

Geese: Well, tune in next time, when my guests will be Mr. Big, Yashiro Nanakase, and Krizalid.

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8:00 - 9:00 - "Live with Mature and Vice"

Mature and Vice are sitting in cute little vinyl chairs sipping from their lattes and apparently talking about something. The theme music fades out, and they turn to face the cameras, smiling oh so brightly.

Mature: Hi all you happy people out there! Welcome to "Live with Mature and Vice"!

Vice: We've got a real great show for you tonight! We even have a special guest!

Mature: Say Vice, is that a new vest?

Vice: Why yes. Yes, it is. I got it at Liz Claiborne

Mature: Ooooooh, I love Liz Claiborne clothing! That woman is a miracle worker with clothing!

Vice: You bet. Sure there are rumors she uses slave labor, BUT DAMN IT! I LIKE THE CLOTHES!

Mature: All to true, Vicey-pooh.

Vice and Mature suddenly staring into each other's eyes. The world fades to white around them, and the scenery turns into that of a sunny, flowery, green field. Slowly, Mature takes Vice's hand and...

The producer clears his throat very audibly. Mature and Vice snap out of their trance and stare at the camera like a couple of deer in car headlights of an oncoming car.

Vice (Blushes): RIGHT! Ahem....

Mature: Let's welcome our guest, that cute Orochi warrior of the Ikari Soldiers, Leona Heidern!

Mature, Vice, and the audience clap as Leona shyly walks onto the stage waves at everyone. She salutes Mature and Vice and sits in the guest chair.

Vice: Ms. Heidern, it's great to have you here!

Leona: Well, thank you... I guess...

Mature: Tell us, what's Iori like in bed?

Leona (Shocked): WHAT!?

Vice: Yeah. Does he have any pet names for you, or does he like to use any 'toys' and what not.

Leona (Wide eyed): Are you two for real?

Mature (Places Leona's hand on her breast): That real enough for you?

Leona (Grabs her hand away): ACK! What the hell!?

Vice (Angry): MATURE!

Mature: What? Just having a little fun is all.

Vice: HOW DARE YOU DO THAT IN FRONT OF ME!?

Mature: Jealous?

Vice: NO! I HAVE IORI-SAMA TO LOOK AFTER ME!

Mature: WHAT!? YOU TWO-TIMER!

Vice: LIKE YOU HAVE ROOM TO TALK! I'VE SEEN YOU WITH RUGAL!

Mature and Vice start tearing into each other, ready to kill.

Leona (Stares): Um... This makes no sense... Wait... YOU AND IORI!?!?

Iori walks on from the side, the audience applauds him.

Iori: Leona, don't listen to those Orochi whores. I have never done it with Vice. She just has this sick idea about us. It's nothing more than that.

Leona (Stares at Iori's eyes): You mean it?

Iori (Stares into Leona's eyes): I do.

Iori and Leona kiss passionately. The audience gives their kiss a round of applause. They look at the camera and blush like crazy. Iori picks up Leona and runs the hell out of there, leaving Mature and Vice to kill each other.

Vice: AND ANOTHER THING! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS BITCHING ABOUT MY HAIR!?

Mature: BECAUSE IT IS SO DAMN BOYISH! YOU NEED A MORE FEMININE STYLE!

The producer clears his throat very audibly again. Mature and Vice stop what they're doing and look around. They see Leona's now gone.

Mature: Damn... I was hoping to get her in bed.

Vice: HA! You know she won't be as good as me!

Mature (Ignores Vice): I'm sorry, that's all the time we have today! Join us tomorrow, when our guest will be Orochi drummer for the band CYS, Chris.

Vice: Have a good morning, and thank you for watching!!!

Vice and Mature wave as the screen fades to credits

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Zero switches the TV off, he has a look of one that has seen the deepest bowels of hell on his face. His face pales considerably when he realizes this is all he'll have for entertainment for the next couple of weeks while staying here. He decides to end it all and hangs himself with his IV tube. This of course, led to much celebration by the hospital staff.

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That's it for my first ever "King of Fighters Television Special". Hope you enjoyed, and see you next time!(?) Oh well. This is RedPriest17, signing off.

Send your comments and questions to either RedPriest17@aol.com or Ryutsurugi@yahoo.com.

Note: Flames will be read and than used to fuel the Orochi fire