A/N: Just something that I wrote to try and break my writer's block. It amuses me. Why yes, it is a songfic. Except it isn't. Oh, and "Falling For The First Time" is the property of the Barenaked Ladies and I just thought it fit Zelgadis pretty well. I write poetry and fluffy fanfiction, not songs. The Barenaked Ladies probably have much better lawyers than I do anyway.

"Life As a Rock Star"

"Zelgadis, get up on that STAGE!" Lina screeched.

"It's not my fault you blew all our money on your lunch," the chimera snapped. "I am not going to entertain the masses just so you can afford to waste even more money on dinner."

"But Zel, we don't owe money on our tickets too!" she whined. "All you have to do is sing a couple lousy songs and the captain will let us stay on the boat- unless you wanna be thrown overboard!"

"Lay off," Zelgadis said sourly, stomping away and crashing right into Xellos just as the mazoku phased in.

"Good morning, Zelly!" he sang.

"Get out of my way!" Zelgadis snapped, trying to push past him- a thing that was made quite difficult between Xellos's super-strength and the fact that Lina, Amelia, and Gourry were all clinging to him in a manner not unlike that attributed to certain species of leeches.

"But Zelgadis-san, we really need you to do it!" Amelia wailed. "The captain said he needed someone who could play an instrument AND sing, and you're the only one of us who can!"

"See me not caring," he retorted. "I am not embarrassing myself onstage in front of other people- especially if there's nowhere to escape to."

"Like you don't do that all the time anyway," Lina grumbled, grabbing him by the throat and dragging him back towards the stage in a physically impossible feat of strength.

"Dammit, Lina!" Zelgadis yelled.

"Break a leg, Zel-kun!" Xellos called, waving merrily.

"Somehow I know this must be your fault, Xellos!" Zelgadis snarled in reply.

"Moi?" Xellos blinked innocently. "Zel-kun, I'm injured that you would ever think such a thing of me!"

"Son of a-!" Zelgadis growled, and then Lina dumped him onto the stage with an almighty thud.

"Now SING, dammit, or I'll rent you out as an anchor instead!" she bellowed, throwing a handy guitar at the chimera and stomping to her seat.

"Lina, I'm going to KILL you!" Zelgadis fumed, jumping to his feet.

And he probably would've, if the girls in the audience hadn't caught a glimpse of his face and stormed the stage, too close for him to use magic without blowing up the ship. The chimera was therefore effectively trapped unless he wanted to cut them all into little itty-bitty pieces, which he couldn't do without his sword, and damned if Xellos hadn't somehow lifted it.

"Oh, crap," Zelgadis muttered, and finally picked up the guitar with a resigned groan. The girls' cheers were deafening. Amelia twitched slightly and sent a significant glare to the group.

"Ooo, somebody's not getting laid tonight," Xellos crowed.

"Gee, but all those girls look like they wouldn't mind- " Gourry began, only to be punished swiftly and with extreme prejudice by the jealous Amelia's mighty hammer of justice.

"Zelgadis-san would never sink so low as to choose a one-night stand over the slow and beautiful blossoming of true love!" she declared loudly.

No one was stupid enough to comment on that one, not even Gourry.

Meanwhile, the poor little sexually repressed chimera was trying to get all the fangirls off the stage so he could get this nightmare over with and hopefully stop blushing. It wasn't working very well, but he succeeded eventually with a little help from the bouncers.

So, finally, lucky Zelgadis got to sing. Yay. He was not happy about it. But he was hot, so no one cared. And so, a brief tune-up, prematurely screaming fangirls, and a few violent threats from Lina later, the stone boy got to sing.

"I really don't want to be here, and I hate my so-called 'friends' very much for making me do this," he informed the audience in his usual "life sucks" voice, which might've actually gotten him fired if anyone had been able to hear him over the girls' cheering. Too bad for him, but no one could.

So he fiddled with the microphone, made a last second check on the guitar, and started to sing. And anyone who heard him would never have believed that his whole heart wasn't in it.

"I'm so cool," he began. "Too bad I'm a loser."

His companions blinked in surprise at the lyric. It wasn't exactly what they were expecting. Well, the self-disgust was, but he didn't usually fit in positives with it, even when being contradictory.

"I'm so smart; too bad I can't get anything figured out

I'm so brave; too bad I'm a baby

I'm so fly, that's probably why it

Feels just like I'm falling for the first time."

"Please tell me this is not what it sounds like," Lina said in disbelief.

"Neat." Gourry smiled brightly. "Zel's singing a love song."

"I'm so green; it's really amazing

I'm so clean; too bad I can't get all the dirt off of me.

I'm so sane; it's driving me crazy

It's so strange; I can't believe it

Feels just like I'm falling for the first time."

The fangirls cheered madly and threw questionable articles of clothing onstage. Zelgadis blushed and Amelia was torn between joining them and killing them. Um, for justice, that is. Of course. Maybe she should get herself a drink.

"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost."

Xellos twitched slightly at that line. "My, what a silly song," he observed tightly.

"Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost

What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?

What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind

It feels just like I'm falling for the first time

It feels just like I'm falling for the first time."

"Probably be GOOD for him to lose direction," Lina muttered. "Damn guy's too focused for his own freaking good."

"Aw, Lina, don't be like that," Gourry scolded. "Zel's an okay guy."

"For an obsessive BASTARD who can't bring himself to buy chocolate or flowers like a NORMAL boyfriend," Amelia growled. The others gave her funny looks but didn't comment.

"I'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing

I'm so still, I just can't keep my fingers out of anything

I'm so thrilled to finally be failing

I'm so done, turn me over cause it

Feels just like I'm falling for the first time."

"Then give me chocolates! Chocolates, dammit, CHOCOLATES!" Amelia screeched at the stage. The others quickly scooted away.

"Anything plain can be lovely; anything loved can be lost

Maybe I lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?"

"It won't be if you could just get me a NORMAL anniversary gift for once," Amelia hissed dangerously, and the others scooted a bit further off.

"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost."

"Such a silly, silly song," Xellos said through gritted teeth as his fork snapped.

"Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost

What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?

What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind . . . "

As the song drew to an end, a few fangirls fainted and the rest rushed up onstage to attack Zelgadis. Luckily for him, his demon speed was sufficient to escape and hide behind Gourry. Not so luckily, Xellos sold him out for an ice cream cone and a high-speed and comical chase scene ensued until Lina ended it all with a fireball after someone stepped in her dinner.

"Enough!" she yelled, and Amelia attached herself protectively to the still- smoking Zelgadis.

"Mine," the princess said stubbornly.

"Maybe if you'd let me DEFLOWER you," he grumbled.

Amelia's expression turned ugly. "Maybe if YOU'D give me a nice present once in a while instead of all your weird books!" she snapped.

"What's weird about my books?" Zelgadis asked defensively.

"Ohhh, don't even GO there, lover boy!" she warned him.

"Ah, young love- I think I'm gonna be sick all over my nice clean robe," Xellos observed.

"Feel free to leave," Zelgadis said flatly.

"You wish, lover boy," Xellos retorted, his voice as sour as his smile was sweet.

"DO NOT SPEAK TO MY ZELGADIS IN SUCH A FASHION, PEON!" Amelia shrieked, whacking him with her chair.

"Ouchie," Xellos said contentedly. "Much better."

"You are so damn lucky you haven't actively tried to kill us recently," Lina complained. "Else I'd fry ya, and then you'd REALLY be saying ouch."

"I want to go home now," Zelgadis said irritably.

"You've got one?" Gourry looked genuinely surprised.

"Okay, so I don't, but look who's talking," Zelgadis pointed out.

"You do so!" Amelia cried. "You live with me, remember?"

"HE WHAT?!" Lina screamed as Gourry and Xellos both fell out of their chairs in shock.

Zelgadis turned bright red. "Amelia!" he squeaked.

"Yeah, he moved in right after that whole Dark Star thing," she explained.

"I thought you were looking for your cure!" Lina yelled.

Amelia blinked. "Is that what you told them, Zel-koi?"

"Zel . . . KOI?" Lina twitched.

"Oh look, a pretty flower," Zelgadis observed. No one fell for it, but he ducked under the table anyway.

* ende *