A/N – Kind of in a mood today. A girl in the office just got engaged over the weekend and while everyone else is all excited for her, I (being perpetually single) am hiding in my cubicle feeling sorry for myself and hoping I don't have to congratulate her.

So my thoughts turned to this song from the musical Lestat (music by Elton John) and then to Jack – who can never have a normal life.

You can listen to the song here… standard youtube address : /watch?v=xalJNJx-f74

I'll Never Have that Chance

The fiasco of a Torchwood wedding was finally over. Jack sat in his office alone in the silence of the Hub. Ianto had offered to stay and then when Jack declined, an invitation to his flat. Jack had decline that as well, but not for the reasons that Ianto probably thought.

Jack hated weddings. It just reminded him of all the things he could never have. Yes, he could 'play house' for a while… even fall in love, but it never lasted. The other person either left him because of what he was, or they died. Either way he was alone. In a way he was glad the Nostrovite happened. It made the day bearable.

When the wedding finally did happen, it seemed like time slowed down. Like all these feelings and emotions were threatening to strangle him. At the reception, he found himself dancing with Gwen. He closed his eyes and wondered if he'd ever get to have what she got today. When Ianto cut in, he knew the younger man was hurt having needed to break him out of a reverie. He smiled at Ianto and held him close. Looking over at Gwen and Rhys laughing together, he held Ianto closer. The man in his arms was a further reminder of what he could never have.

Now he sat alone in the dim lighting of his office. He stayed with Torchwood because like himself, it was the constant. Down here in the dark nothing changed – the Victorian sewers still meshed with the futuristic technology.

He unlocked a rarely used drawer of his desk and took out a small tin box. Brushing the dust off the lid, he opened it. He lifted out the photos – reminders of what he could never have, reminders that no matter how much he pretended, how much he dreamed, - he would never have the chance at a normal life.

End

A/N – Wow, I think the notes are longer than the actual story. Questions, comments, etc are always welcome.

Lyrics

I have spent so many years
In fancy lace and beaded gowns,
I have set my hair a hundred ways,
My face I paint it up and powder it down.

This body bares a telling tale;
They pinch my cheek and wish me well.
For all their patronizing smiles
This frame remains a prison cell.
They look at me and what they see
Is one more painted china doll.
A sweet and cuddled good do well,
A painted fan, a sweet treat and the parasol.

Inside of me there lives someone
Who could have been somebody's wife,
Who could have seen their children grow,
Who could have had a normal life,
Who could have easily loved a man
And felt his kisses deep and moist.

Instead I get this kiss of death
And in this I have no choice,
imagine walking down the aisle,
I'll never have that chance.
A wedding dress of virgin white
The very best from France.
A cottage in the country,
The pleasures of romance,
Sunlight laying on my skin.
I'll never have that chance.
So no, I'll never have that chance...

They glide around society's swans,
With slim long necks and perfect breasts,
While I remain the frozen child,
A baby bird without the wings to leave her nest.

This body bares a telling tale,
They pinch my cheek and wish me well
For all their patronizing smiles
This frame remains a prison cell.
The mirror with its cruel laugh
Reflects this ageless face of mine
In taunting ways as if to say
Childhood is not something you can leave behind.'

Inside of me there lives someone
Who never felt a mother's love,
Who could have heard the bells on Sunday,
Kneeling in the church of God,
Who would have loved a rainy day
And never had to feel the fire.
Instead I hunger for the vein
That holds the life force I desire.

Pleasures of fine wines and dining
I'll never have that chance
The taste of chocolate and champagne,
The very best from France,
The arching of a rainbow
And the way the colors dance.
The miracle of giving birth,
I'll never have that chance.

Imagine walking down the aisle,
I'll never have that chance,
A wedding dress of virgin white,
The very best from France.
A cottage in the country,
The pleasures of romance.
Sunlight laying on my skin,
I'll never have that chance.
I know
I'll never have that chance...
I'll never have that chance...