"No, really, Joker," said Shepard, her voice dripping with skepticism.

"I'm serious! She was totally hot for me, kept giving me those 'come fuck me' eyes—"

"She was a stripper, Joker," said Garrus. "You do know that they're paid to do that, right?"

"Not the point." He took a sip from his beer and grinned. "Anyway, she had the biggest chest I've ever seen on an asari before. Totally motorboatable, if you get my meaning."

Shepard laughed so hard at that Garrus thought she was going to pull something. She'd had about five shots of tequila, and it was making her silly as all fuck. "Oh my god, Joker, tell me you didn't ask to motorboat an asari stripper."

"Uh . . . my translator isn't picking that up. What does a boat have to do with a woman's . . . endowments?"

"It doesn't have anything to do with boats, Garrus," Shepard said, turning an alarming shade of red. "Joker, why don't you explain this."

"Oh, huh uh," he said, grinning wide enough to split his face. "No, I think I'm gonna let you field this one, Commander."

"Your cheeks are the most amazing color. I didn't know humans could turn purple," said Garrus. The smug asshole grinned at her and Shepard thought, iOh, okay, you wanna play like that, huh?/i She'd blame it on the alcohol later, but right now seeing the look on his face would be worth it.

"You son-of-a . . . all right, fine." She unbuttoned her shirt to reveal a few inches of cleavage and turned to Joker. "Care to demonstrate for Officer Vakarian?"

The pilot's eyes lit up like a five year old on Christmas.

"Wait, what are you doing?" Garrus asked, his gaze fixated on her mostly exposed breasts.

"Well, you can't do it because you'll probably rip one of your mandibles off, and you did want to know what it was. It's easier to just show you." She stood up and bent down, putting her assets at Joker's eye level. "Go ahead, before I change my mind."

"I love my job," said Joker, and he buried his face in her chest and shook his head back and forth, blowing a raspberry into her cleavage.

Garrus was totally speechless.

Shepard returned to her seat and buttoned her shirt back up, eyes bouncing back and forth between Joker (who looked like he could actually die of happiness) and Garrus (whose jaw was hanging almost to his keelbone).

"Why?" was the only thing the turian could think to say.

"It's more fun than sexual, and usually reserved for strippers."

"I just motorboated the Commander," said Joker bemusedly.

Garrus picked up his drink again and muttered into it, "Humans are so weird."