This was inspired by the BBC comedy sketch show "Bruiser", so if you have never seen it, you may find this a bit confusing. You can find all the episodes on YouTube, they are very short (around 15 minutes each) so you may want to check them out. They are very funny, I guarantee! Anyway, in "Bruiser" the unfortunate secret agent is played by Martin Freeman, who I now call John no matter what character he's playing, so I naturally wondered what would happen if Dr. Watson's evil counterpart, Sebastian Moran, found him-self in the same situation. Here's my answer:
Sebastian mentally cursed the bloody scientist for the umpteenth time. Feeling that he was being a bit unfair, he went on to curse Jim, Ian Fleming, Jim, the Bond films, Jim, Q and, finally, Jim.
All right, if he was absolutely honest (which he wasn't) with him-self (nope, doesn't make a difference), he'd have to admit that he was partly to blame. After all, the manic consulting criminal would have never known about Agent 007 if Sebastian hadn't insisted they watched the whole DVD series. No, the ex Colonel didn't like the films per se, he was in it for the hot babes that would inevitably fall for the idiotic spy.
Anyway, Jim didn't like the films. He didn't like James Bond. He didn't like the chicks. The only bloody thing he liked was Q. An asocial guy spending all his time thinking up strange devices did nothing for Sebastian, but it somehow appealed to Moriarty. That was why the criminal mastermind immediately gave order to kidnap a researcher of some secret agency (can't remember which one) and force him to work for him. That was fine with the sniper. What was most definitely not fine was that Jim had insisted that he (he, Sebastian Moran, ex Colonel, sniper extraordinaire and the bloody second most dangerous man in London) used the equipment "crazy guy" provided. Moran had politely objected (okay, strongly objected), but what the hell, he had never needed anything except for his guns. He trusted his guns, they were reliable. Who knew what stupid invention "crazy guy" would come up with?
Jim graciously informed him that this kind of attitude displeased him greatly. Sebastian hurriedly gave up and went down to the laboratory. Once he was there, "crazy guy" showed him a number of very common objects (a pair of shoes, a lighter, an umbrella etc.) which, according to the researcher, had been modified and transformed in deadly weapons. Moran wore the googles, as the scientist instructed, and watched in horror as "crazy guy" proceeded to viciously hurl the "weapons" at the enemy/dummy, screaming at it and kicking and punching it until it went down.
The ex Colonel remained silent through the whole demonstration. When the still panting scientist finally asked what weapon would he prefer, Sebastian stared, opened his mouth, closed his mouth, re-opened his mouth and croaked: "I'll have the gun".
"But there wasn't a gun in the demonst...".
"I'll have the gun".
The scientist scolded, but handed him a simple gun without protesting.
That very afternoon, Jim assigned him a job.
"I want you to use your new equipment. If I find out that you brought any of your old, boring guns... I'll ssskin you!".
Moran didn't bother to argue, just went out with his shiny new... gun.
It happened later, when Sebastian had already found the hiding of the traitorous gunman, beaten him up a bit and pointed the gun to his head.
"Bye bye" he murmured wickedly, with a smirk plastered on his face. He pulled the trigger.
What exploded from the gun was a little white flag. The word "BANG!" was written on it in bold black letters.
I hope somebody found this funny. Thanks for reading, and please review!