The jerks of the board of education

By Shadowgate

Summary: Have you ever gotten in trouble in school when you really shouldn't have? Or did you get in double trouble because of school politics or a current social agenda in effect? If yes this story is for you.

School was about to start it was 7:55 AM and Stan was by his locker.

Kenny asked Stan "what was it you wanted to tell me?"

Stan answered "well last Friday I was taking a dump at the mall restroom."

Kenny starts laughing and Stan goes on to say "this big black guy was in the restroom I could see through the side of the stall. Anyhow he kept opening the door and looking out. There weren't many people in the mall because it was 2PM and remember we got off school early but anyhow he kept looking out the door. Then he went into a stall beside me and I smelled fire. He lit something and then I smelled something that smelled this weird chemical type smell and it occurred to me he was smoking crack."

Kenny said "holy shit."

They went to class and Mister Garrison started a lesson on Edgar Allen Poe. At 8:15 AM an announcement was made by Principal Victoria.


Cartman said "damn what did you do Stan?"

Stan said "I don't know."

Craig commented "if the principal called me to her office like that I would be so unhappy."

Mister Garrison asked Stan "were you and Kyle making out in the hallway?"

Stan answered sarcastically "yes Mister Garrison Kyle and I are as gay as you are."

Kyle thinks to himself "if I ever go on a school shooting spree Mister Garrison will be my first target."

Stan got up from his desk and went to the principal's office.

When he got there he saw a very angry school principal.

Principal Victoria asked Stan "do you recall shortly before class you and Kenny McCormick were having a conversation by the lockers?"

Stan answered "um yes I did speak to Kenny just before class now that you mention it."

Principal Victoria stated "well you're aware that all this week the directors of the Colorado State Board of Education are visiting this week. Guess what! Three of them overheard your conversation with Kenny and I'll be speaking with Kenny soon. As for you Mister Marsh I have called both your parents. I have your dad on the speaker phone."

Principal Victoria hits a button on her telephone and says "Mister Randy Marsh your son is in my office now."

Randy says "Stan this morning I got a flat tire on my way to work and while I was changing the tire some punk kids that were driving by flipped me off. I've been in a bad mood to begin with and now you get sent to the principal's office for talking to Kenny about a crack head and some other bullshit. Stan will you just behave yourself at school Goddamn it?"

Randy hangs up the phone and then Principal Victoria says "I'm waiting to hear back from your mom. She said she was busy with patients at Tom's Rhinoplasty Clinic but she will be calling back."

Principal Victoria had one angry look on her face and Stan just exhaled.

Principal Victoria told Stan that Mister Mackey along with Mister Adler would both join her in deciding his punishment.

Soon after that the phone rang and it was Stan's mom. Principal Victoria put Sharon's mom on speaker phone.

Sharon Marsh said "oh hello Principal Victoria you needed to speak to me because Stan is in trouble?"

Principal Victoria goes on to say "yes your son Stan was overheard by the board of education directors talking about his bowel movements and a black man smoking crack."

Sharon said "oh well first of all he deserves detention for talking about his bowel movements and second of all I hope he didn't make any racist comments about the particular black man smoking crack because white people smoke crack as well."

Principal Victoria added "white people like Eric Cartman's mom smoke crack yes indeed."

Sharon and the Principal started laughing and Sharon said "Principal Victoria could you do crack and have threesomes like Mrs. Cartman?"

Principal Victoria responded "I don't know but with the Board of Education directors visiting I want to drink like Kenny McCormick's dad."

Sharon and Principal Victoria both laughed their asses off and Stan had a big look of shock on his face over the gossiping.

When Counselor Mackey and Mister Adler entered the principal's office they pointed out they had to make a big announcement. After the big announcement all the students gathered in the gymnasium for a big assembly. Stan was told to go to the gym as well and that there'd be a punishment he'd be informed of later.

In the gym Kyle asked Stan what happened in the principal's office.

Stan explained "oh I was talking to Kenny about that crack head that was in the mall restroom the same time I was. Remember I told you about that Kyle? Well I got in trouble because some of the visitors overheard me talking to Kenny about it and now I'm in trouble. I have to report to the principal's office during recess because I'm in so much trouble."

Kyle said "oh well it will blow over."

Stan said "no I don't think so. Principal Victoria said she has no choice but to come down hard on me. Oh but get this she called both my parents. My mom had to call back because she was busy and when my mom called back the principal put her on speaker phone and they both gossiped."

Kyle asked "they gossiped about whom?"

Stan answered "oh about Cartman's mom being a crack whore and about Kenny's dad being a drunk."

Before Kyle could continue in the conversation a man got up to the podium.

He stated that he was the head of the Colorado State Board of Education. He went on to talk about how he along with teachers unions throughout the nation controlled education. He went on to talk about how they'd be cracking down on bullying and profanity. After a two hour speech the kids were worn out. Most of them had to go to the bathroom afterwards.

At lunch Stan and Kyle sat together. They noticed Craig had his IPOD and he was listening to music.

Kyle asked Craig what he was listening to and Craig said "oh my parents got me into a band called Accept. I'm listening to their first album from 1979."

Kyle said "damn they're old."

Craig said "so they're old they're better than all these shit eating pop stars of today."

Kyle smiled and Stan said "I wonder what my punishment will be. Now I know how Cartman feels getting in trouble and knowing something severe is in store."

Cartman says "well Stan like I said this school is full of lying pigs."

Kyle put his hand on Stan's shoulder and said "relax we've been in trouble for talking dirty before."

Stan said "well I can't believe they gossiped the way they did. Here I am in big trouble and after the principal chewed me out for talking about inappropriate stuff in school and then she turns around and gossips with my mom. Oh and that head of the department of education talking about how he's in charge and teachers are protected by unions! He made it sound like schools can do whatever they want."

Kyle said "shh" and pointed at the men in suits who were with the department of education.

They were over in the corner chatting.

Soon lunch ended and Stan reported to the principal's office.

Principal Victoria along with Counselor Mackey and Mister Adler were there.

Mister Adler stated "Stan Marsh you can't screw around like this in school."

Mister Mackey stated "school is not a place to talk about shitting in a toilet um kay. It's very rude and board of education directors did not find it funny um kay."

Principal Victoria said "you have three days of in-school suspension for this."

Stan asked "what is in school suspension?"

Counselor Mackey explained that it is normally used for middle school and high school kids but they decided Stan deserved something harsh. He went on to explain that he'd spend the next three days in an isolated room doing school work and getting no credit whatsoever. He also explained there'd be no recess and to bring a sack lunch because he would not be allowed to eat lunch in the cafeteria.

Stan had a big look of shock on his face and Principal Victoria snapped "well you deserve it!"

They told him to get back to class and the in school suspension would start tomorrow.


The kids were heading out of the school building and as Stan and Kyle walked out Kyle was in shock over the news.

Kyle said "I can't believe it and you're not even going to get credit for your work."

Stan said "oh and Principal Victoria along with Mister Mackey and Mister Adler spent a good deal of time chewing me out. I don't want to come to school tomorrow let me tell you."


Stan's parents got home and they went over the whole conversation and Stan's whole day at school.

After going over the whole day of school with Stan and yelling at him for 45 minutes Sharon said "Stan baby if someone is smoking crack you should get as far away from them as possible."

Stan just wanted to get away from his own parents.

Sharon went into the kitchen and soon she screamed "RANDY MY WEDDING RING WENT DOWN THE DRAIN."

Randy replied "that's like the 17'th fucking time this has happened."

Stan went up to his room and shut the door.

Stan's cell phone rang.

It was Craig and Craig said "damn Stan I heard about what they're going to do to you. That really sucks."

Stan said "no kidding."

Craig said "I was going to share a great legendary rock band with you called Accept but maybe you should listen to the song Unforgiven by Metallica."

Stan said "well I'd love to listen to Accept with you sometime Craig but right now I'm dealing with my unforgiving parents."