Title: Send Me Back to Azkaban (or, Look Out for that Toad!)

Author: Amethyst

Author E-mail: AmethystJackson@hotmail.com

Category: Comedy

Keywords: Mary Sue, Trevor, Azkaban, Ron

Rating: PG

Spoilers: For all four books

Summary: Mary Sue finds an odd person to fall in love with, and Ron, our hero, goes through quite the ordeal, desperately running from his dementor girlfriend, who wishes only to kiss him.

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Credits to Aileen and Madelyn for coming up with the ideas, especially Twilight.

*****

Witch Weekly

Volume 324, No. 1

Week of June 30, 2002

Welcome back, readers. This week Amethyst brings us a tale of a perfect Prefect who fell in love with a toad. Amethyst would like to stress that this is not a fairy tale; it is a tragedy. On that note, let us read.

Send Me Back to Azkaban

By Amethyst Jackson

When Mary Sue came to Hogwarts, she was the image of perfection. Not only did she exude beauty, but also she was so intelligent that they made her a Prefect right away – and she was only a first year at the time. The Sorting Hat put her in Gryffindor, and everyone, except Hermione, loved her.

While it was true that she could have any boy in the entire school, even a seventh year, which, she thought, was rather perverted, she had fallen in love with someone, and for the rest of her life, she would have no other.

Mary Sue watched him, sitting on Neville's desk in Potions. How sexy he was, Trevor the toad, with his green, filmy skin and bulging throat. Oh, how he hopped, with his slender legs. And how sweet he was when he croaked. Yes, Mary loved the toad with all her heart.

It pleased her greatly when Neville let her carry him to their next class. All the way, she doted over the adorable toad, petting its slimy head.

Unfortunately, the toad decided to jump out of her arms and make another run for freedom. Just as this happened, Ron was walking down the corridor.

"Look out for that toad!" Mary screamed, but it was to no avail. Ron's foot came crunching down on the toad.

"No!" Mary Sue wailed, diving for the toad. Sobbing, she planted a kiss on what would be its nose.

Instantly, the toad started changing, morphing slowly into – a man. He had abnormally green skin and a rather large Adam's apple. His hair was light brown, and his eyes were, inevitably, green.

"Trevor," Mary gasped.

The man smiled up at her mournfully, "You were so good to me, Mary Sue. But you were too late."

"Trevor – no –"

"I'm dying, Mary. It can't be fixed."

"But Trevor – I – I love you!"

"I love you too, Mary. I love you too."

With those final words, Trevor passed away, off to that great pond in the sky.

Mary rounded on Ron, tears streaming down her face. "You killed him! You killed him! You killed my beloved Trevor! How could you?"

Ron stared blankly at her. "But he was a toad."

"All evidence points to the contrary, Weasley," said Snape's voice, coming up behind them. "This toad is most certainly a man now. You'll have to go to Azkaban for this."

"A-azkaban? But – he was a toad –"

Snape put on his most foul sneer. "You've clearly murdered a man. Come with me, Weasley, and we'll deal with the punishment."

Ron looked around pleadingly, but neither Harry nor Hermione were around to help him. Only Mary Sue stood there, glaring accusingly at him.

Suddenly filled with despair, Ron followed Snape to his office. Snape pulled a bag of strange powder from his desk and threw a pinch into the already roaring fire. Seconds later, a dementor emerged.

A wave of cold swept over him, and his despair of the situation became total despair, a darkness that would not release him.

The dementor put a scaly hand on his arm and led him into the black flames that cast shadows on the room.

"Do have a nice trip, Weasley," Snape said cruelly before Ron was swept away in the flames.

*****

Ron sat on the grimy floor of his cell, trying to remember that he was innocent. That was, after all, what had saved Sirius Black's sanity. But that led to thoughts of escaping, and it was a happy thought. The dementor that guarded his door immediately stole it as it came.

To Ron's surprise, the dementor spoke, turning slowly around. "My name is Twilight," it said in a raspy voice that sounded mildly like it belonged to a female, but it was very hard to tell. In answer to his pondering, she continued, "I am the only female dementor in Azkaban. You are the first male I've guarded."

Ron didn't like the tone in her voice.

"You are very sexy, for a human," the dementor rasped, creeping closer to the bars of his cell. She started to undo the lock. "I think we might become lovers."

Ron was suddenly very very revolted, not to mention repulsed, disgusted, and nauseated. Twilight was now in his cell, bending over him, slowly pulling back her hood.

"Er – how can I be sexy if you can't – er – see me?" Ron questioned, seeing empty sockets where eyes should have been.

"I sense you," Twilight replied, "And you have very sexy emotions. I think I'll help you escape. We can leave this prison and go live in a nice cave somewhere, and we'll make baby dementors."

Ron cringed as Twilight pulled him up, pressing against him as she led him out of the prison.

The sunlight was awfully bright, it seemed. Ron saw the large moat that surrounded the island. It was deep, cerulean blue, and it shimmered in welcome.

"Now that I got you out, I think I deserve a kiss," Twilight declared. Ron gaped. He knew what happened when a dementor kissed you.

"Er, no thanks, I think I'll just go back in," Ron said, scrambling toward the front doors of Azkaban.

"No, no! You don't want to go back in there. Come now, give us a kiss –" Twilight puckered, waiting.

"Er –"

In desperation, Ron dove into the crystal blue moat and started swimming for all he was worth. Startled, Twilight lagged behind and couldn't catch him.

He swam with all his might, Twilight having a hard time behind him. Apparently, dementors weren't built for swimming, but Twilight was giving it a go anyway.

He was surprised to find Harry and Hermione waiting for him at the shore a day later.

"Ron, oh, Ron!" Hermione cried. "We were coming to rescue you."

"Eh – yeah – well – Twilight –"

Ron fainted, exhausted and hurting.

*****

Ron awoke an undefined amount of time later. The first things he saw were the faces of his two best friends, and then he felt a wave of cold fill him.

"Harry, Hermione, please – you've got to send me back to Azkaban!" he pleaded, pulling the quilt that covered him up to his chin.

"He's obviously delirious," Hermione declared to Harry and Twilight.

Harry nodded. "We'll leave him with Twilight. She'll take good care of him."

"No!" Ron screamed, sitting straight up in the bed he was currently trapped in. "Not Twilight!"

"He's very delirious," said Twilight. "Perhaps you two should go. He might become dangerous."

"Yes, yes, you're right," Harry agreed. "Will you inform us when he's better?"

"Of course," Twilight replied.

Harry and Hermione left, leaving Ron purely terrified.

"Finally, you've awoken, honey. I was afraid you would sleep through the wedding!"

"Wedding? What wedding?"

"Our wedding!"

"Whoa – no, no, no, there will be no wedding!"

"Shh, you're still delirious, you need rest. Just give me a kiss goodnight."

"Er, no, no, I'm so very tired," Ron said quickly. "I think I'll just sleep right now."

He flipped over and buried his face in his pillow, protecting his lips.

"Have it your way," sighed Twilight, and Ron felt the very unpleasant sensation of a scabbed, rotting hand on the back of his neck.

*****

When Ron awoke, Twilight was still there. Fighting the urge to run like the wind, he peeked out from under the covers that he had pulled high over his head.

"Ron, are you awake? I was thinking maybe a pink dress for our wedding. It's oh so perfect for my complexion."

Ron gulped and pretended to be still asleep. He rather wanted to vomit when Twilight's hand came to shake him awake.

"What?" he asked quickly to make Twilight stop.

"Well, you need to go! You've got a tuxedo fitting in an hour, and it's way into the city. We're at least five kilometers away."

"Right, I'll go now," Ron declared, fleeing the room in his underwear, praying that Twilight hadn't been the one to undress him. He jumped in the car outside and turned the key. Hopefully it would work a little similarly to the old Ford Anglia.

Once he had put as much distance as possible between him and Twilight, Ron stopped the car, finally able to relax.

"Ron, you forgot your clothes!" He looked out the window and found Twilight there.

"Please, I'm begging you! Send me back to Azkaban!"

THE END

A/N: I would write more, but this is getting dreadfully boring, don't you agree?