Okay, so BTR lost, and for those of you who have me on Twitter, you uh, were subjected to seeing upset Panda. So sorry, well not really, I was actually EXTREMELY censored and contained which is a huge surprise! I did not let the angry Hispanic out the cage. So anyway, here's a little ones-hot to vent my anger, using the characters from Strike A Note, enjoy!
"Dude, when you go up on stage and get slimed, you better not touch me afterwards." I warned Logan, squeezing the crap out of his hand. Oh yes, 2013 Kid's Choice Awards, and last year, yes, I did watch last year, well, they got completely soaked so I am not up for that whole…soaked slime thing. I mean, I will laugh my ass off if they get slimed but he's got another thing coming if he thinks I'll touch him when he's drenched in that crap. I don't even know what it is; it could be Shrek's cum for all I know.
Oh my god, what if they hold Shrek hostage back stage and milk him for his jizz?
Oh god….Nickelodeon, how could you?
"Baby when I get slimed I am absolutely just going to sit on you and rub my green jizz all over you." Logan whispered in my ear with a laugh before kissing my cheek. Oh god, how fucking charming is my boyfriend? Well, it's nearing the end of the award ceremony and they haven't announced the category yet, and I know my little caramel over there Carlos is anxious to walk up stage and get his award, because let's face it; we all know that he'll win. That helmet fucking pays off you know.
"Dude if you do that, you can forget me blowing you for another month." I whispered back.
"Seriously? That's not fair!" Logan whined and squeezed my hand.
"That's what happens when you have ovaries Logan, you're in control." I chuckled and leaned on his shoulder. The rest of the show went underway, and all of the sudden after favorite cartoon, which, by the way, Fairly Odd Parents should have won, just saying because I still watch them. Well all of the sudden they announced One Direction won for favorite music group, and some actor I never even heard of won favorite actor!
THEY DIDN'T EVEN ANNOUNCE THE NOMINEES FOR THE CATEGORY WHAT IS THIS BLASPHEMOUS BULLSHIT!?
I glanced over at Carlos and saw his face fall and stare at the ground, scratching the top of his head. Logan sighed and stared up at the ceiling, James clapped but he looked like he was going to get up and leave, and Kendall forced a smile on his face that clearly said 'I will murder everyone here'.
"What a fucking rigged load of shit!" I said, okay, well I didn't say it that loud considering there are children nearby, and I'm actually trying not to start a scene. I sat through the rest of this bull shit totalitarian award show cracking my fingers and rubbing Logan's back. He seemed okay but I feel like snapping someone's neck right now.
HOW THE FUCK DO THEY NOT WIN BEST MUSIC GROUP?
HOW DOES ONE DIRECTION WIN I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!?
HOW DO WE WIN BEST FAN ARMY AND DESTROY THEM IN THAT CATEGORY BUT LOSE EVERYTHING ELSE.
Ugh, Carlos needs some candy, and I need a shot of tequila. Actually no, I might kill someone if I take a shot.
We hurried out of the stadium and into the limo where it was completely quiet. Well, I guess I'll have to start this shindig off.
"WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT!" I said as soon as the car door slammed behind us. "How the fuck do you guys CREAM them in the fan army but they win everything else! AND CARLOS! How are you not favorite actor? YOU ALMOST ATE A FUCKING CRICKET! THAT'S SO DISGUSTING! HOW DO YOU NOT WIN FOR THAT!? Ugh, this is bullshit. This whole system is rigged and quite frankly I'm about ready to TP and egg Nickelodeon headquarters. They're about to get a taste of Alex Jones on full rampage." I scoffed and kicked my shoes off, crossing my legs and crossing my arms over my chest.
"Whoa, alrighty, calm down there. They're still our friends and they did a good job…" James said, oh that's so nice; he's being sweet because they're somewhat friends. Well, I don't know them personally so I'm okay with being an asshole about the whole situation.
"Yeah James I don't really give a fuck you guys ABSOLUTELY should have won. Carlos and I are on Twitter nonstop, and we saw how much they were voting, this should have been an easy win for you guys." I shook my head and glanced at Carlos who was playing around with his phone. "Aw, Los it's okay!" I leaned over and rubbed his back.
"Yeah I know I'm just kind of bummed." Carlos shrugged and leaned back in his seat. I glanced at Logan who just shook his head and glanced out the window.
EVERYONE HERE IS BUMMED HOW DO I FIX THIS!?
"Uh, want to hold this while I make a vid to thank the fans and make sure they don't snap and kill everyone like you….?" Kendall asked cautiously. I nodded and held the camera up for him as he spoke, finishing it off by blowing a kiss. He uploaded the video and I sighed, leaning on Logan and shaking my head.
"This is totally a crock of shit. NO ONE GOOD WON! How the FUCK did Iron Man and Thor both lose-"
"Baby they are just characters, the actors—"
"IT'S FUCKING IRON MAN AND THOR I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT REAL NAMES RIGHT NOW! THEY LOST TOO, THAT'S A LOAD OF SHIT ON A DOORSTEP!" I yelled at Logan.
"Wow, alright." Logan nodded at my outburst.
"Sorry." I muttered and looked down at my feet, ew, I probably should have gotten a pedicure. "You know what? Where do you guys want to eat? It's my treat." All of the guys started saying no and shaking their head, oh please. "No, don't shake your heads at me! It's my treat. You want to try out that new steakhouse? Logan's been talking about it we can go there. Honestly, let me treat you guys to dinner and then we'll go get fucked up at Logan's apartment."
"Why my apartment!?" Logan instantly whined. "Yours is next door, and cleaner!"
"Because mine is cleaner and I don't want drunken boy band to fuck it up." I chuckled and squeezed his hand. "So, steak house?" I glanced all of the guys and they nodded. "Good! So uh, you know we can always go find out where One Direction is right now on their tour, we can go inside their bus and put shaving cream and foam everywhere. Then we'll pop the air from the tour bus tires. We can also shave them all bald in their sleep! Plastic wrap their bunks, fill the bathroom with chocolate syrup and chocolates so they think the toilet exploded. Then we'll put docile snakes inside the cabinets. They'll think they're poisonous but for safety reasons they aren't. How does that sound boys?" I suggested with a serious face.
If they want to, I will actually do it for them.
BUT, I was satisfied enough to see them all laughing at that image. Huh, maybe I can execute that plan all on my own—no…no let's face it, if I was left alone with them on their tour bus, that bus would be at the bottom of the ocean and I'd be the only survivor.
Oh god, maybe I should see a therapist.
"As enticing as that sounds, no it's okay." Carlos chuckled, "but thanks Alex."
"I'll take you up on that offer." James shrugged.
"OH SHIT REALLY?!" I yelled with wide eyes.
"No but it was great to get your hopes up." James smiled, making the rest of the guys laugh again. Well as long as they're getting a kick out of this I guess. Okay, so we sat down at the steak house and ordered our food, I ran off to the ladies' room. Well that's what I said anyway. I actually ran down the block to the party store. Ugh, I feel SO bad for them, they're laughing and joking around but they look like four crushed puppies. So I bought four "I'm Number One" trophies, and they magically had some sort of fake Oscar that said "Favorite Actor", so I bought that for Carlos. Hm, anything else? Eh, no that seems about good enough, I bought the trophies and RAN back to the restaurant. Dumb idea, I sat down out of breath with shopping bags and they stared at me like I was nuts.
"Uh, what the hell did you do?" Logan questioned before taking MY appetizer and eating it. Well shit, fuck you Mitchell I'll keep your prize for myself then.
"Uh…I felt really bad so…the award for favorite actor goes to…Carlos!" I pulled the fake trophy out and leaned across the table to give it to Carlos. He grabbed it and laughed, shaking his head.
"Wow, thank you Alex." He smiled and took his phone out to take a picture of it.
See? I CAN BE SO FUCKING NICE, not like everybody says!
"Oh and the award for favorite music group OF COURSE goes to Big Time Rush!" I took out the other trophies and handed it out to the boys. "Look at that, you're winners!"
"Oh my god, us being sad makes her nice." Kendall chuckled staring at his trophy and holding it up as Carlos took a picture of him.
"We should play the sad card more often." James nodded and stood up, along with Logan. I grabbed Carlos' phone and took a picture of the four boys together holding their awards, then gave it back to him so he could send it into the Twitter world.
"Look at that, you're soft after all." Logan chuckled and kissed my cheek, "Aren't you the best girlfriend ever?"
"Honey please, I know I'm the best, I bought the four of you a steak dinner, and I'm fucking magical." I nodded and James started laughing.
"Yeah let's not forget yourself in that! How many ounces did you get?!" James questioned.
"Uh…eighteen ounces." I shrugged casually.
"What woman can put away eighteen ounces of steak!?"
"Oh you're about to see bitch, want to place money on that?" I smirked raising an eyebrow.
"Dude I really wouldn't." Kendall said quickly. "I feel like she could do this."
"I don't know she did eat like four hot dogs for lunch today." Logan said.
"Oh man this discussion needs to go online…" Carlos chuckled, bringing his phone out once more.
And just like that, over steaks, fake trophies, and the promise of ruining a tour bus, the boys were back to normal.