March 28, 2013

6:00 a.m.: Alarm went off. Morning wood. I realized I have a large dick. Red rolled over in bed, saw me writing this, and told me he begged to differ.

6:02 a.m.: Fuck him. I'm going back to bed.

6:12 a.m.: Red woke me up. Apparently, I have a challenger. At this hour? I told him to go fight the kid himself.

6:13 a.m.: Good Arceus, what have I done?

6:15 a.m.: Ran out of bed to confront Red. Got to the kitchen before I realized I wasn't wearing pants. Decided I didn't care. Made breakfast for myself.

6:45 a.m.: Red came in as I was finishing breakfast. Beat the kid, he said. Slapped me upside the head and finished off the rest of my oatmeal. Bitch.

6:48 a.m.: Red says he wants a blowjob. I told him to give himself one.

6:50 a.m.: Red, I wasn't being serious.

6:57 a.m.: I've just discovered that Red is inhumanly flexible.

7:14 a.m.: Got dressed. Red went to take a shower and invited me inside. I agreed. Got in, realized I was wearing clothes. My expensive cashmere sweater is now ruined.

7:20 a.m.: Today blows.

7:25 a.m.: Oh well, at least I had sex.

7:26 a.m.: Pretty mediocre sex, but still sex, all things considered.

9:00 a.m.: Woke up on the bed. Still wet from the shower and partially dressed. Red was measuring his dick with a ruler. I told him that being flaccid didn't count.

9:01 a.m.: That abusive cunt just hit me.

9:02 a.m.: And told me that he's nine inches. That's a load of crap.

9:05 a.m.: Red took my expensive sweater and draped it over his dick.

9:06 a.m.: I just hit that abusive cunt.

9:10 a.m.: I figured I had to be somewhat productive today, so I convinced Red to train our Pokemon with me in the gym. Hardly any challengers seem to show up in the middle of the week.

9:11 a.m.: During school hours, anyway.

9:12 a.m.: Red bet me a blowjob if I could beat him. He's on.

10:15 a.m.: Long battle. I lost miserably.

10:17 a.m.: I really don't understand this man's obsession with fellatio.

10:38 a.m.: I suggested an early lunch to Red. He inquired how I could still be hungry after swallowing his sperm.

10:39 a.m.: I just hit that abusive cunt again.

11:29 a.m.: Took Red to a diner in Goldenrod City. He hit on the waitress twice. Invited the host to a threesome. He accepted.

11:30 a.m.: Arceus save me from beating Red to death.

11:48 a.m.: Told the confused host that I wasn't looking for a threesome.

11:49 a.m.: Red interjected that he was.

12:34 p.m.: I just had a threesome.

12:35 p.m.: My life is pretty dissimilar to other people's, I just realized.

1:24 p.m.: Got back to Viridian City. Red challenged me to another battle.

1:44 p.m.: Just as I was about to lose again, a challenger showed up. Thank Arceus.

2:10 p.m.: Beat the challenger. Red insinuated to a nap.

2:11 p.m.: Turned him down. I have paperwork to do.

4:24 p.m.: Woke up at my desk. Guess I needed a nap after all.

5:00 p.m.: Finished my paperwork just as Red walked in. He demanded another blowjob.

5:02 p.m.: I'm so sick of Red's sex drive.

5:16 p.m.: Took Red to the grocery store to buy ingredients for dinner. I decided I'm going to make Shellder soup.

5:20 p.m.: Red hit on the cashier. Twice.

5:21 p.m.: Sometimes, I really hate this guy.

5:42 p.m.: Finally dragged Red home before the Shellder went bad.

5:59 p.m.: Making the soup.

6:01 p.m.: Trying to make the soup. Red is groping me.

6:05 p.m.: Caved in.

6:28 p.m.: We fucked.

6:30 p.m.: The damn soup burned.

6:38 p.m.: Red ordered a pizza.

6:39 p.m.: Forgot the extra Foongus.

7:00 p.m.: Pizza came. Watching America's Next Top Model with Red. I don't know what's going on. Feminine television confuses me.

7:37 p.m.: Actually, this is kind of interesting.

7:58 p.m.: Red fell asleep on the couch just before the next top model was announced. I'll never forgive him.

11:26 p.m.: Woke up on top of Red on the couch. Must've dozed off too.

11:48 p.m.: Red woke up and asked for a blowjob.

11:49 p.m.: Said no.

11:50 p.m.: Red tried to remedy this by commenting that I had a big dick.

11:51 p.m.: I ignored him. Asked if we could have sex instead.

11:52 p.m.: Red smirked and said no.

11:58 p.m.: We went to bed. Red told me he loved me.

11:59 p.m.: I told him I'd think about it.